Moving in with My SO with My Teenage Son Because of Financial Hardship

Big mistake to move in with your SO due to financial issues. Moving in where someone has already established it as his home means you will be lesser than in the relationship. Add in a teenager and it'll be very stressful.

You need to figure it out on your own. Cut back on as many expenses as you can. Move to a smaller place, get a second or 3rd job to bring in the money lost from child support and alimony. Have your son get a job and use that money to pay bills. Set the example that yes things can get hard but you have nobody but yourself to dig yourself out of a hole.

G., welcome to mamapedia!

You've told us nothing to help you - really. You've been with this guy for 2 years. You don't say how he gets along with your son nor how your son feels/gets along with him.

You don't say if he'll be sleeping on a couch, sharing a room with someone or if he will have his own room.

You don't say how old your son is either - that would help to know.

Do you have a job?
Is your son old enough to work? Will he have a job?
What are you expected to do and contribute in this new home?
Is your ex's job loss a permanent thing or a temporary thing that you can work through this?

Why do you feel this will backfire on your relationship with your boyfriend? Has there been trouble in the past?

Does he feel that he will be able to discipline your son?
Will your son follow the rules of his home?
So many unanswered questions.....

Wish I had the answers for you.

If you are not 100% sure that this is the right thing to do, it's not. If you are not 100% sure your relationship is ready for this step, it's not.

Keep thinking about other options. Can you find a cheaper place to live? Can you pick up a second job? Can you get a different job? Keep thinking. Don't make a decision immediately. Just keep thinking about it. I bet you will come up with another option that will work.

So you're going to move in with someone you are not sure you will marry simply for financial reasons and expose your child to this?

Now the SO will "own" you. Be ready to do what he says when he says because you rely on him for support. You have no leverage in a situation like this.

The best thing you can do for your son is to be proactive, work, and model for him so he can see determination to make things better yourself vs relying on a SO which in essence lack of a better word, prostitute yourself.

Why rely on an ex and a bf to support you? Find a way to support yourself and be a positive role model for your child.

There has to be better options. Check with social services, check for rooms to rent with other people.

You have better options than to rely on others for support.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. When I had a tough time years ago I sucked it up and got an extra job. I will not rely on any man to fully support me and therefore "own" me.

Think hard about the obligations you are setting up for yourself and how this makes your teen view you as a person.

Please talk to a womens shelter to see about getting what ever aid is available to you, low cost housing options. etc.
It's a mistake to move in together under these circumstances.
It puts a strain on your relationship with both the SO and your son.
You might be leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Don't move in with your SO for financial reasons. This sounds like such a bad idea.

Can you find a roommate for a spare bedroom if you have one to supplement your income?

The best scenario for your son is for you to gain financial stability and independence. What steps do you need to take as his mom to be able to support him?

Thank you all for your comments and I am taking them all very serious. My SO is a wonderful man that just wants to help me but at the same time I just got out of a bad 25 year marriage and don't want to lose my independence. I don't want my son to see me as a weak person either. I know I have to find another job and my son is at an age he can work as well. I just thought it would be nice to have my SO take care of us while I can get back on my feet and pay off my debt. The ex is never around to parent my son and my SO would make a good role model for him especially during these last years of high school. I am just trying to weigh all my options and it looks like I need to figure this out on my own. Thank you all again.

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I am sorry I am so vague on this message board, this is my first time doing this.
I work full time and have decent job.
My son is 16 going to summer school & plays football. He could get a part time job.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment (Rent is expensive where we live)
I have 2 small dogs
My relationship with my SO is very good. He is a wonderful kind man that has a beautiful home with 3 bedrooms and is dog friendly.
My sons relationship with my SO is OK and my son is choosing to move in with my SO instead of his father's home.
We all plan on sitting down and going over all the house rules and possibly trying a one month trial move in before I give up my apartment.
My SO wants to help me get out of debt and is offering us to move in and not pay rent for 6 months until I get back on my feet. I would contribute with groceries and utilities.
My son can continue to attend the same school.
My SO would love to take care of me and my son and help me with my finances. I just have so many reservations and don't want our relationship to be affected by this.
I came from a controlled marriage for over 25 years and I don't want to lose my independence and my new empowerment feeling that I am getting back.

Thank you all for your advise, I am not jumping into this without exploring all my possibilities for my son and I first.

To me, this would be the worst reason to move in with someone.

I did this in my early twenties and ended up being with a jerk for years. Just a bad idea. I only became empowered again when I left.

If it were me, I'd look at every other option first. If this is temporary (I'm assuming ex will find a new job, and if he resists, make sure you go to court - my friend just did this, and because he still had to pay what little he did have coming in, he suddenly became much more interested in finding work again..) - then can you not move into a place and have a roommate? Cheaper apartment?

I myself wouldn't put this decision onto your son. That would stress my teen boys out.

I would not move in with him....especially just for financial reasons as it might just backfire on you. I completely understand your son's reservations as he is a teen and this person is not his father. Your son is of an older age and has understandable concerns. A lot of times relationships will break up when put to the test due to "financial concerns and moving in together". Instead, I would find a cheaper place to rent (even possibly a house with a room to rent). Rent from a woman if she's ok having a teenage son in the house. Find a tiny cheap house (like those in back of a house....they are cheaper a lot of the time). Not sure if you're employed but if not try to obtain employment. Try getting two jobs if necessary. It can be temporary because I know that's hard. Also, see if your son can get a part time job (not sure of his age). You can always try applying for financial assistance with the state for low income individuals. See if you qualify. It might be in the form of food stamps. Again, I would definitely not move in with your boyfriend. Instead, I would maintain your independence and try all other avenues. If it were me, I would find the cheapest studio (if available), and separate that one room w/a bed behind a partition giving my son the bed and I would take the couch. Just an idea. Good luck with everything!

It's easy to say not to do this, but you haven't given us enough information about your relationship with your boyfriend, and your son's relationship with him. Do they get along? And will your son need to change schools? You did give your son a choice, living with his father. There's a reason he didn't choose him. Why didn't he? Do they not get along?

Does your son like your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend attempt to tell your teen what to do? Does he try to be a "father" to him? Can your son act appropriately in the house? Cleaning up after himself, etc?

I get that your son doesn't want to go. Why would he? He wants things to stay the same. You mention your relationship backfiring. WIth who? The boyfriend or your son? If it's your boyfriend, is it because they don't get along?

Could you three sit down with a counselor and talk this out? Another adult who knows how to talk to teens could help your son understand the importance of your situation. And expectations can be discussed. It's kind of like pre-marital counseling. Except it's pre-co-habitating counseling along with your teen.

I would do this before making any other decision, if you truly cannot afford to live on your own.

No matter what make sure your son knows he's the most important thing. Make sure you do take about boundaries. It's not the ideal situation but sounds like you don't have a lot of options

Updated

No matter what make sure your son knows he's the most important thing. Make sure you do take about boundaries. It's not the ideal situation but sounds like you don't have a lot of options