Motherly Advise

Both my children did this. I would strap them in the car seat, and set it on the counter, or the center of my bed, and then talk to them while I was busy. As long as they could see my face they were OK.
For me, taking a shower and cooking were the worst times, because I couldn't take them in the shower with me, and I didn't want to put them next to the stove. As soon as I was finished I would hold them again.

Hi B.,
Oh my gosh! I am going through the EXACT same thing with my 9m girl. It's a real challenge because I work from home. The type of work I do has dead lines, and there are days she is so needy that I don't get anything done and I have to work all night (while my husband's home caring for her.) I'm exhausted! I've read that this is the time babies have separation anxiety. I'm sorry I can't offer any solutions, but I just wanted you to know I'm right there too, and looking forward to this passing!
Good luck to you!

Yes, my daughter did this. I use to strap her in a baby bjorn and go about my business. it is a phase and will pass.

She is having "separation anxiety." It crops up at about this age or younger. Mind you, "separation anxiety" will come and go for a few more years... and at each age juncture, it will be manifested differently per the age of the child.

Babies and children OFTEN also get 'clingier' when they are tired, or over-tired, or over-stimulated, or ill, hungry, or teething.

It's not easy, but every Mom has to use the bathroom, get ready, and cook dinner etc. It's okay if you put her down next to you... but knowing that she WILL cry/whine/claw onto you. Just try to be patient, and verbally soothe her calmly. Over time, she will have built up trust about it... and understand. But at this age, they cannot understand.

Just put some toys next to her, or put her in a high-chair (but some kids hate high-chairs) or use a baby sling.
Or, set her down, while you sit on the couch or on the floor next to her... read a magazine, and familiarize her with you being "next" to her. Play peek-a-boo- with her too... babies at this age are also learning about "object permanence" and that things they can't see, return. ie: Mommy.

It all par for the course. ALL Moms go through this. It's just a pure developmental development they go through. My kids did this at about 6 months old... and YES, they will even do it when they are "supposed" to be sleeping/napping....they wake and want to 'find' you and freak out if they can't see you. It's normal though.

Babies bond deeply with their Mommies. But 'separation anxiety' is a phase and it will pass... only to return at different ages, in different ways.

Before you know it, they will not even want us near them. Take heart and just know that your baby is progressing normally and is normal.

All the best,
Susan

Hi, you've received some great advice, and I would add to it to be sure to follow you heart at all times. What works for one mom's kids may not be the right solution for yours. Trust your instincts. And beware of the "shoulds" (i.e., "You should do this or that" kind of advice.)

I heard somewhere in my child development classes that very young children learn to play alone gradually, and it is based on how secure they feel overall. Feeling secure is based on the quality of time spent with mommy or daddy. Once they feel secure and safe, they are able to go longer periods without you right next to them.

Forcing them to be "alone" when they do not feel safe and confident only sets up a situation of more anxiety--which will either manifest iself now, or later, or both. In other words, they may get more clingy instead of independent, or they may become withdrawn and mooody, etc. There is no set pattern that for all babues, although this issue of safety and security certainly affects the majority of babies.

There is a wonderful book called The Continuum Concept that chronicles the journey of a woman anthropologist who happened upon a tribe deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. The tribe had had virtually no contact with the outside world until she visited (it was in the 70s).

And one of the most astonishing things she observed was: Their children never cried! Not even the babies! There was no whining, no clinging, no temper tantrums, no screamings, no problems sharing, and no separation anxiety at all.

And the adults in the community were ALWAYS happy, secure and confident. They often stopped their "work" during the day to tell jokes and laugh with one another. They all worked harmoniously as a team. There was no competition for resources, or scurrying to outdo each other, or comparisons of each others' accomplishments. In fact, she discovered that there wasn't even a word for "work" in their vocabulary!!!

She observed them intently to discover the "secret" to the tribe's serenity, happiness and sense of community. And what she discovered was: It had to do with how they raised their children from birth.

In a nutshell, for the first two years of life, the baby was never put down, but was always held, either by the mother or father or another adult in the community. Consequently, the child always felt safe and protected, never afraid, and of course could nurse any time he wanted. The child of course slept within the embrace of the mother.

By about two years, the child (who had developed an incredible sence of confidence and peace) naturally began venturing out to "explore" the world around him, knowing that he could return at any time to the safe and loving arms of his parents or any other adult in the community. Gradually, as the two-year-old got older, he would extend the length of time away from one of the adults and remained as happy and secure as before.

The conclusion of the anthropolist? The babies/children were raised with such constant care and attention, love and safety, that when it came time for them to naturally want to explore (i.e., leave their parents to see / explore their world), they could do so from a place of complete love and safety, virtually without fear or anxiety.

I hope I am doing the book justice. I think I need to read it again. :-)

Obviously, we live in a different world - one that makes it virtually impossible to never put out child down. However, the experiences of this tribe - who as the anthropologist noted grew up to be completely happy and peaceful adults - cannot be ignored.

There are so many wonderful lessons to take away, namely, that the quality of the time we spend with our little ones is so important, and that it is critical that they always feel safe, protected and loved. It would seem that the only way that they learn this is from the direct response they get from their parents and community at large.

So yes, we have to make dinner and do laundry, and all kinds of other stuff. So the challenge is how to get it all done WHILE AT THE SAME TIME conveying a sense of safety and security to our little ones, so that when they get older, they are free and confident little explorers.

To me, a baby's cry is an indication that he/she needs something. ANd the stronger the cry or demand, the stronger the need. The Amazon tribe shows that constant attention does not create a needy or clingy child. To the contrary, it is the child who feels an absence of security and safety that is calling out for attention. I hope we all do the best by our children by listening to their little pleas, rather than trying to understand it with our adult brains. It was just recently that much of the Dr. Spock advice - the Bible of the 50s, 60s and 70s - has been repudiated.

I say, let's follow out hearts and listen to our little ones. Isn't that why we had children, to love and care for them? I am reminding myself that they are never an inconvenience, but a blessing to be revered and cared for with the utmost of love - my top priority!

Sending you much love and best wishes for you and your family!

Susan summed it up very well. I just wanted to add that I read somewhere that babies do not realize that they are separate beings from their mommies initially. Somewhere between 6-12 months they realize that mommy is a different being than them and that mommy can go away. This is when they start to have separation anxiety. This is completely natural, almost all babies go through it (especially breast fed babies because they depend on mommy more). Don't worry, it is just a phase and it will go away. I know it's rough, just hang in there and do the best you can to soothe her. She will begin to realize that you do come back and she will stop being so clingy once that occurs.

She's only 9 mos old... still very young. This is normal. You are her favorite person :) Respect her need to be close to you and she will feel secure.

Oh, I just read your profile and see that her Dad doesn't live with you right now. My daughter is 2 and has never done well with people that she didn't see regularly. It does make things more difficult, and has caused some hurt feelings, but some kids require a lot more consistency than others. Once Dad is there, living with you two, she will bond with him and love him like crazy!

It's time to warp your routine for a little while until she outgrows this.
One part of my "new routine" was to figure out how to put my son near me in each movement I did. While chair companies don't recommend this I sat him in his chair on the counter next to me. He played while I did my hair, made breakfast or dinner, he sat in the sink while and chewed a toothbrush while I went to the bathroom. I bought a clear shower curtain so I could shower or would put him in the tub to play.
The good side of this is that if you let her be near you she will realize that you are someone she can depend on. My mom explained to me that if children have a "safe" person to come to when they get scared or sad then they will adventure out more and be even more independent because they know they can always come "home" no matter how far they have roamed.
When she's two and she runs away at every chance remember these days and be grateful she got over this and enjoy all your added exercise!
Good Luck.

All I can say is it is just a phase and she WILL outgrow it, lol. I know it seems like a hassle and I'm sure you've heard this a million times but "enjoy it while it lasts" because soon she won't want to be seen with you, lol =)

C.~

www.HelpUstayHome.com

This is developmentally normal. She's coming to terms with the fact that the two of you are separate people. Of course knowing that doesn't make it easier. It's wonderful to have such a strong bond with your baby, but it can be exhausting at times. BELIEVE ME! I know!

Do you have a good baby carrier like an ergo or mei tai that you can use? That has really helped us. It let me work hands free and she is still happy about being up. Now that she's older, she likes running around a little more, but there are times when she only wants Mama.

Hi B.,

This is the first stage of separation anxiety and stranger anxiety that your little one will go through. "Stranger" unfortunately can include anyone who is NOT the primary caregiver, including Dad, day care provider, etc. It lasts for a few weeks and then subsides. When my kids were at this stage I would hold them more, but I would also put them down on the floor and play with them there for a while, then gradually get up and continue with whatever I needed to do in the same room. As long as the baby could see me, all was well. Sometimes I could walk out of the room for if the baby got absorbed in play, but would always try to limit the time out of the room to only a minute or two. At first I would come back immediately if the baby started crying, but after a week I started lengthening my time out of the room little by little until my son or daughter realized that they could be secure without me physically present. Of course, since they were both early and fast crawlers, it didn't take them long to figure out that they could come looking for me! (I kept the house fully childproof so that I didn't have to worry about them in any room except for the bathroom and kitchen. Those rooms were closed off by doors or baby gates.)

BTW, you'll notice that at this age your baby will begin to enjoy playing peek-a-boo. This is actually a really important game to play with your daughter because it teaches object permanence. She's just begining to understand that things and people still exist even if she can't see them.

I highly recommend that you start collecting the Ames and Ilg series on child development (from the Gesell Institute). There's one huge one that covers development from birth through adolescence, but you can also get the short paperbacks that are age specific. I found that these books tended to describe my children's behavior fairly accurately, and provided really good insight as to why the child was behaving as he/she was and how to respond to the behavior.

Enjoy your little one. Believe it or not, this is the easy time of parenting! Just wait until you have teens! ;-)

R.

My daughter had strong separation anxiety too from 4 months till about 1 and a half or so.
She did not want to go with anyone except me or my husband, but preferably me.
I will say that it has been hard work, challenging, but very rewarding now. She is 20 months old and a lot more confident and she is still selective with who holds her but is happy, loving, thougthful and balanced. The best advice I can give is to be patient with yourself and with her. It is normal to get frustrated, this is new for both of you. I would recommend the Montessori book that has great activities that you can both do together to keep her engaged, it has ideas for the home from birth to age three. It worked wonders with my daughter and helped her independence and confidence flourish.
Anyway, take it as a huge compliment, time flies by so fast, before you know it she will be going to school and have friends and so forth. Try to make the best of the situation, engage her in what you are doing. Do a family picture book and talk about family members every day, this helped with my daughter. Also, call family on the phone and show the picture.
Best of luck
E.

Do not worry, it is a stage. I went through it with my daughter and then with my son. At first I thought that if I carried her, she would get spoiled. But, I could not resist and just did it. It turned out to for the best I think, because now when I'm off to work, she give me a kiss and waves goodbye - no crying at all. You can also try carrying her on your back with a sling. But, my advice would be to enjoy it now, because they grow out of it.

She grew in your belly for nine months and was with you every second. The first few years of her life, she will continue to want you and need you more than others.

Who takes care of her during the day while you are at work? It would help if you had a person she can bond with during the day.

You might try carrying her in a sling while you are home with her, and co-sleeping can give your daughter a feeling of extra security and Mama-time.

Your morning routine sounds lovely. Try singing to her while you are showering or dressing -- the sound of your voice is still a connection & song is a wonderful way for children to move through transitions.

Best of luck & lots of love to you and your daughter!

I remembered there are times that my son who is 2 1/2 years old, just doesn't like to be away from me. He wants to make sure where I am all the time, even now he would still do that. What I understand is, when the kids are feeling insecure about their surroundings and whatever happening to them. They will find the person, most of the time is the MOM, and attach to the person until they feel safe again. I just went through three weeks of total attachment when my son started day-care. So be patience and especially enjoy, because does it feel good to know that you are the first person they go to when they are in trouble??? I do, even though it is very tiredsome, but I do love it. ^_^

Hang in there. I have a 3 year old boy who never did this, but I also have a 1 year old little girl who went through this. She is definitely a mama's girl and it drove me nuts because my son is so independent. But once she got more mobile, she became more independent. She is 13 mos now and all over the place. Sometimes she still wants me, but she is definitely more independent and open to playing on her own or with others. I would say to take some time every day and make her play alone or with siblings. Use a baby gate and put her in a room with a movie or something. I know she may scream but she has to learn that you won't always be there to hold her. It will be rough for a couple of days but you'll be surprised. Good luck!

Hi B., I think the fact that you breast feed, she is more attached to you, breast feeding is good but dad needs to be able to bond with your daughter with feeding as well, at 9 months old she would be able to hold the bottle herself but dad could hold her and talk to her during that time, feeding a baby is very bonding, all the moms out there who exclussively breast feed the dad is excluded from that type of bonding. At 9 months I really don't think a child needs to be breast fed, they are usually on a cup by this age. she here's what you do now, you take (ME) time, every week, do your nails, go have coffee with a friend, shoping, what ever (ME) time would be for you, this way she has no choice than to go to daddy, or another family memebr. I think this is why a lot of dads don't help out, their not givin ther chance to bond with baby the way mom does, Give this a try and see what happens. J. L.

She's doing what babies do. They need their mothers more than anyone else. Enjoy her and her neediness my dear, she will grow up before your eyes and you will miss these precious times. Also keep in mind that she knows your routine and is dreading the separation knowing you will be leaving for work.

Take care!

It's normal. For every step forward of independence, they also (sometimes)take steps backward. She's seeing you as her caregiver and know she needs you, life without you is scarry...that's why she clings to you. I read "What to Expect the 1st Year" and it helps explain that us moms are not alone, and this too shall pass. Best of luck.

This is normal, it's attachment. Get a sling and keep her with you. She will outgrow it in a few weeks and in the mean time keeping her close will make her feel seccure. The housework can take a back seat for a few!

I don't know... my daughter just turned 2 and can completely walk and everything all on her own and I still can't cook a meal without her crying and saying "hold you me" the whole time. Her dad is no substitute and I've gotten to the point where I just set her on the counter right next to me so I can get things done. I guess I'll be reading your responses too for some insight. :-)

Hi there,
This must be really tough for you. I have only one suggestion for you. You need to let other people (family to start) take care of her without you in the picture. You can start with just a walk around the blook to get away for 20 minutes or so. Then start stretching the time. That is the only way that you both will get some independence. As far as her wanting to be next to you at home, that's going to be way more difficult. There is really no way to get away from her. Just try to have something for her to do in each room you go in. Sit with her for a minute and play with her. Then tell her, "mommy will be right back, I have to go potty". Leave for a moment, and come back. Eventually, she will get used to you leaving her alone, and that you always come back.
I started early with leaving my daughter alone to play for a few minutes at a time.
Now, she can watch a show or play by herself while I take a shower (she is 23 months now) Our house is not that big and I leave the bathroom door open a bit so she she can come in whenever she wants. She doesn't freak out when I am not in the room. She'll just walk around the house and say "momma, where are you?"
Your daughter is still very young, but the earlier you start leaving her alone with other people, the more independant she will be in the future. When I leave her with her dad, (Her dad is the ONLY person I leave her alone with, my family lives far away, and my MIL will watch her for only a short time) I just walk up to her and say "I'm going to the store, give mommy a kiss goodbye, love you". And walk out the door. She never cries when I leave and it a great thing. I think if you just make it like it a normal thing for you to leave, then they usually pick up on that. But, like I said, your baby is still very young. Of course she wants to be with you all the time! You just have to start giving her time without you. That should be a start.
Good luck!

Dear B.,
It sounds a lot like my second son...will she sit in a high chair right next to you?...Have you tried her in a pack? They eventually grow out of it, but my doctor would only say that that type of kid is usually very smart...they know what they want. If you have not changed schedule, left her with others, or moved recently...then it is not these that is causing it and if is just her wanting her way...which is to be close to you and feel secure. My son was so insistant on this and it bothered me to here him crying so I often had him in the pack, sitting on the counter or in the high chair. The only other thing is butting heads with them and see who is the more strong willed. Obviously, my son was:) But he grew out of it...just took time.

When she starts walking things will change and you aren't far off.

Give her something to do in the kitchen when you're cooking. Maybe clear out a drawer and put play kitchen things in it. Her cups and plates, silverwear, tupperware items (or anything that won't break), fake food, measuring cups... Get her interested in it by playing with her, then see how she does without you.

She will learn to occupy herself, and it will give her purpose. She will have to learn eventually that Mommy can't hold her all the time, but there are ways to do it without enormous crying fits.

If you have a baby carrier, use it sometimes! I cooked so many meals with my daughter on my hip or in the baby backpack. There's nothing wrong with holding them... but if you really can't or don't want to, take my other suggestion. Sooner or later, they won't want you to hold them!

YES, I have this problem! My daughter is now almost 15 months and she's been a cling-on for many months now. I've heard that it's a stage, but I don't believe that, from my current experience. I do things to distract my little one and give her new things to play with so that she entertains herself. Maybe you can try that and see if works. I also leave her sight and give her to her dad. She screams for a minute but then when I'm out of sight, I must be out of mind too :)

Good luck.

I am going through the same thing with my 9 mo old girl. This is very normal for the age, I have two other children that also did this! Hang in there, it will get better soon.