Last year was my first "Mother's Day" as a stepmom. I knew my stepdaughter (7 at the time) would be spending the day with her mom, as she should be. I made sure she made her mom a nice Mother's Day card and since no one else will take her shopping I took her out and let her pick out a present for her mom. I paid for it. I also made sure she had cards for all her grandmothers.
She lives with us most of the time and only spends every other weekend at her mom's. When her dad is at work I homeschool her, as well as sign her up for activities, take her to homeschool outings and also arrange playdates for her. So although I'm not her actual mother, I do a lot of things for her. And I'm happy to.
Well last Mother's Day I didn't get anything. She went to her mom's on Friday and we got her back after the weekend. I wasn't angry at her, she's just a little kid. But I was very upset at my husband that he didn't think to help her acknowledge me at all. I let him know I was upset, and he claims he didn't think of it. MEN!!
This year I'm hoping to get acknowledged. Not as her mom, but as a mother-figure in her life because I'm certainly that (also, she calls me Mom and says she's lucky to have two moms) BUT, you can't force someone to acknowledge you! Telling someone to do it is like begging for gifts, you know? I don't need gifts, or to spend the day with her but even a "Happy Mother's Day" a few days before or after is fine with me. I keep telling myself that the little hugs and kisses I get are all the acknowledgments I need and it's just a Hallmark Holiday, but I know I will be sad if Mother's Day goes by without so much as a blink in my direction.
How do I handle this tactfully without drama and without sounding like I'm telling everyone what to do?
Thanks so much for the support!
I am going to do what you suggested and react positively and create my own day! Before Mother's Day we'll have Step-Mommy Day! My stepdaughter loves pedicures and I do too so we'll go have a fun girl time. Then maybe we can all go to our favorite restaurant as a family for dinner. It'll be a fun way to celebrate our family!
Thanks!
It's wonderful that you love and care so much for your step-daughter! If I were you, I would reserve a day shortly before or after Mother's Day and tell hubby that day you all are going to celebrate Step-mommy's Day! Plan an outing to the nearest childrens museum or butterfly house, etc and make plans to go to a family friendly restaurant. Men just don't think of these things... Enjoy your special day and make it an annual tradition!
The thanks you will get for the time effort support and love you give this child will given to you in tenfold when she grows up, looks back at her life and understands that even though you were not her maternal mother, you fulfilled the role of mother in every other way. Right now her maternal mother is the one she associates the word with ... consider for a moment the children who are adopted into happy supportive homes, most of them have this unexplained need to find their maternal mother but all of them say that this person would never take the place of their adoptive mother. Your situation is a bit similar to this in a way. Also Mothers day is 12 hours out of 365 days ... some say that it is a retailers way of filling the blank in sales between one festive time and another, it really doesnt mean a lot. Trust me your day will come. Treat yourself for mothers day this year while she is with her maternal mother, let that be your reward for now ... a bigger reward will come later ... one other thing, try not to force the issue because it may be misconstrued. As for expecting men to understand things like this ... unfortunately men are not programmed like that ... which is why they can fix lawnmorers, mend leaking pipes, mow lawns etc : ) Dont be sad on Mothers day, you are a good mother to her, you know this, give her time to grow up and see this for herself ... your reward will be greater
I've been there, even with two biological children. Men just don't pay attention to these things sometimes. Mine is a great husband but lousy with Mother's Day and birthdays. When my husband forgot my birthday, I got really upset and then he got upset with me, claiming since we were celebrating with my parents a few days later he didn't have to acknowledge my real birthday. All I wanted was a simple "Happy Birthday!" at some point in the day. He did zip that day and came home from work asking what was for dinner! (like I was going to cook!)
If I were you, I would make plans with a friend for that day and then ask your husband if that would work or did he plan on doing anything for Mother's Day. If not, you're not left feeling bad. You can spend the day having fun with a friend.
Hugs and best wishes! Hope it all works out.
I'm a step mom as well and I haven't gotten anything for mother's day from my step daughter other than the homemade cards that my husband helps all 3 of them make. It doesn't bother me at all. If anything bothers me, its the teachers that have the kids make a present for mom and dad (for dad's day) and put them in the awkward position to choose which parent to give it to. Mine have always given theirs to their biological parent. I understand there is a limit on supplies and all, but it would be nice for the teacher to ask (as if they don't already KNOW). But regardless, I would just say, hey, mom's day is coming up so you guys better get busy!!! If it's that important to you, then take control of it so you are not disappointed. Just my opinion. Good luck and happy early mom's day to you!!!
That's life--even for bio moms sometimes. You can't really do or say anything without sounding like a martyr. If you hubby is a knucklehead this year, I'm sorry! LOL As your SD grows older she will acknowledge you and your love. I'm sure of it! :-)
Sometimes just knowing that you are there and can guide your Step-child, Letting her know you went that extra mile for her Mother is all the child needs. Trust me she will respect you in the long run for all you have done. Your right we should recognize Step Parents with a National Holiday, they have been forgotten Parents for a long time. Hope you have a Happy Mothers Day. You deserve it.
Hard to do this without looking pushy but even if it's a Hallmark holiday you'd like to be remembered.
You might say to hubby, "you know, I'm going to miss daughter very much on Sunday but it's probably easier to get a brunch reservation for just two people, have you made a reservation for us yet? If not, I'd love to get some nice eggs benedict at the Paramount..."
And as for the little girl, she's still only 8, she will probably clue in on her own sometime soon, if not this year (and who knows), then maybe next.
