Feel Cheated Out of Mother's Day

If something bothers you for weeks, it's something you should have discussed with him weeks ago. I don't know anyone personally, who celebrates Mother's Day with their step-mother. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, but you need to come out and tell him this is important to you. Men often don't even hear hints.

Being a mom of any kind is sometimes the most thankless job in the world.
We don't get notes and cards and cakes and banners for all the things we do.
You be a good mom, you make the right choices and decisions for your kids and sometimes it takes a while for them to show appreciation for it.
Don't take it personally.
I'm divorced and I always made sure my ex husband got a gift for father's day from the kids. Obviously, it was me doing the driving or getting the materials for them to make things. Did he ever do the same for me? Nope.
Nothing. Nada.
I could have gotten all jacked up about it, but why? To make my kids feel bad? My ex certainly wasn't going to feel bad about it.
Let me tell you something. I don't understand the Mother's Day hype or getting upset over it. We moms know what we do for our kids and our kids know it even if they don't show it on a certain day marked on a calendar.
You were the bigger person. You made sure your step daughter had something for her mother. It may take a while for it to come back to you regarding how much that meant to her, but it WILL come back.
Many men are jerks about mother's day because they will celebrate their mothers and not their wives. Fine. But they should help their children to celebrate their own mothers, in whatever form they may be.
I don't know how long you've been in this girl's life. You obviously do a great deal for her, but just as moms can be territorial over kids, kids can be territorial over their moms. The girl might think it was a betrayal of some sort to acknowledge you on mother's day.
In any case, if you want to do something with your husband and step-daughter, plan it and do it. You don't have to make it about "Mother's Day".
That ship has sailed for this year. When you have kids, every single day is mother's day. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Pick a day on the calendar. Any day. Have a family celebration doing what you love with your family. Heck, do it once a month.
Don't be caught up in the Mother's Day affliction.

I told you that my ex didn't help my kids do anything for me.
I showed up one year for my son's Open House at school and his dad was standing outside the door. Typically, we did these thing separately because our relationship was very volatile and I wondered why he was still there. He said, "There's something on his desk you better take a look at."
He was acting very weird and I thought my son was in trouble or something.
I went in the room and to my son's desk.
There was a little handmade booklet with my son's handwriting that said, "My Hero" on the cover.
I expected it to be about how his dad bought him every single thing and never told him no or punished him.
Instead....it was all about me.
I was my son's hero.
I stood there and cried as I read it because that little kid poured out so much love for me.
Even though I was always at work and didn't have a ton of money and I said no to a million things, I was the strict one, I was also the one who always hugged and kissed him and made him laugh and taught him to be thoughful and caring and nice to people. I taught him to be a good and honest person and because of it......I was his hero.
I literally stood there crying.
My point is that every good thing you do for a child is absorbed.
All the years I never so much as got a mother's day card vanished with my son's sweet sentences.
He's older now, 15. He cooks for me so dinner will be ready when I get home or he does the dishes and has the kitchen all cleaned up so we can cook together. He does so many things to show his love for me, but more importantly than that.....he really is an amazing person. He helps our neighbors, he chops and stacks wood for elderly friends. He opens the door for ladies. He's a gentleman.
My prize is knowing that he's an amazing young man and he doesn't have to tell me all the time that I had a lot to do with that.
Your step daughter is 9. Keep loving her and give her time.
Don't put your stock in something happening on a certain day.
Start your own traditions.
Continue to do the right thing.
Be patient.
You may find you're more of a hero than you know.

Best wishes.

I think you should enlighten them about Stepmother's Day so you get a day all your own.

http://www.annieshomepage.com/stepmothersday2.html

Sending you hugs! You definitely deserve a mother's day celebration. Please let your husband know how you feel. Sometimes you just have to speak up and let your expectations be known. Your husband may have no idea how important this is to you. It sounds like you are a wonderful stepmother and you deserve appreciation for your hard work. I hope things go better next year. In the meantime, I think you should cheerfully announce that since you all missed celebrating Mother's Day on your weekend, that you would like to do (insert fun activity) together and tell your husband to please plan it out. Good luck

I am a step-mom, I have a step-mom and my husband has a step-mom. We honor both of them every M Day with cards and small gifts, the same that we do for our moms. My SD always calls and/or sends a card and texts me on M Day. I even send cards to our daycare lady on M Day.
Talk to your hubby. Tell him you were hurt. You sound like an amazing Mom and you deserve a little special attention!
I don't think you were expecting or asking your SD to spend the actual M Day with you, right? You just wanted to celebrate on your weekend with her. I think you are very justified in wanting that.

Mother's Day is just a day chosen for economic reasons. i.e. people spend a lot of money. Whether or not your family does something for you on that day is not an indication of how they feel about you. You are making yourself feel bad by dwelling on the meaning the day has for you. You can change how you feel by reminding yourself, over and over, that they love you and that you are the mother of this child in more ways than her birth mother is.

You can also stop telling yourself that a celebration only has meaning if someone else plans it. Give yourself what you want! Tell your husband and step- daughter that such and such a day is going to be your day and this is what you'll be doing together. Do this in a kind a loving way. By doing this you will be teaching them how to treat you and it's possible that they'll know what to do for you next year.

You have to do this in a good natured way, making them feel good about what is happening. If you do this out of anger or even irritation they won't have fun and won't want to do it again.

It is our responsibility to make ourselves happy. When we rely on someone else for our own happiness we will inevitable be disappointed.

You are a loved and good mother even when they didn't celebrate as you'd like for them to have done.

We always gave my stepmom a card and gift, although not on Mother's Day bc we were with our mom. However, it was ALWAYS my dad who orchestrated said event. She is 9 and although you are very involved in her life you aren't her mother and most kids are very literal. I doubt it has even crossed her mind, give her a few more years and she will likely realize how important it is to you. In the meantime, talk to your husband. I'll bet once he realizes how hurt you are, he will work to remedy the situation. Hints rarely work with men, he probably thought if you really wanted to go to the restaurant you would have made sure you guys did. Since you didn't, he didn't give it another thought. Dense? yes Unforgiveable/Unfixable? Def. not

Go talk to your husband so this doesn't happen again :)

Um...yeah...you WERE cheated out of Mother's Day! I always acknowledged/spent time with my stepfather on Father's Day. The idea that it's not "the same" is ridiculous. You care for her, home school her, help with homework, love her and take her to her activities. That's a "mom"! SHE may not be old enough to have the resources on her own to do something or even to think of it in advance, but what a BAD reflection on HER mom and YOUR husband! How rude. It's for HIS MOM yet not for the woman who takes care of HIS child? Please!
I really think you need to let him know how disappointed and hurt you were by his thoughtlessness. It doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate or expensive, but, yes, it should be acknowledged!

Normally I don't think that step-parents celebrate mothers/fathers day, but in your case I think it would have been appropriate. You said she lives with y'all, which means you have full time mom duties and should have received something for Mother's Day (even if it was just a hug and the words "happy mother's day").

I suggest you tell your husband that your feelings are hurt because you feel overlooked. You said you hinted, but men often don't get hints.
Or maybe he simply forgot after y'all talked about it. It sounds like y'all were (or are) a busy family and sometimes things and occasions can be overlooked. Just tell your husband that your feelings are hurt and go from there.

I don't know if I would say anything. What I WOULD do though is plan something that you could do with her next year. Maybe the weekend after mother's day, or the Saturday before (if she is with your family) you could do a mother's day brunch or go and get mani/pedi's together, go catch a movie. Just something special that you and she can do together.
L.

wow thats hurtful. I'm sorry. I'm a stepmom too and it's thankless, I know! My ss didn't acknowledge my birthday or Mothers Day this year. I celebrate him every chance I get. But I give him a pass. It's the dads I hold accountable for this stuff. I think with Fathers Day coming up, it would be a good time to bring it up. So....for Fathers Day, do you want the same gift I got for Mothers Day?

If you aren't the passive agressive type :) then I would bring it up directly, the same way you did after the 1st year. They seemed to understand but may beed to be reminded. Next year I dont see anything wrong with scheduling (not planning) your own thing - for instance when you take her shopping for her bio-moms gift. Tell her and dad - ok, so, you will be with your mom on Sunday, should we plan to get together on Friday so you can celebrate Mothers Day with our family? Then the both of them will understand that Friday is set aside for you. Take heart stepmom. Your work is not invain. As she grows and matures she will rememeber all you do for her.

I think it's a liitle late now to be bringing this up. Instead of dropping hints, come out and say exactly what it is, you want to do.

Your so what happened says it all. Your SD loves you and her daily actions say so much more than a dumb card ever would. That is worth more than one day a year saying "happy mother's day!".

You absolutely deserved some recognition on Mother's Day! You have a right to feel cheated! You should talk to your husband and let him know you were disappointed.

I'm a step mom and of course we deserve recognition also on Mother's Day. WE are the MOMS of OUR house and take care of ALL the kids so we are moms...that being said, I think its both your husbands and your fault. You said you made "plans" for the next weekend so you need to keep it on HIS mind as well. Every couple days you need to say "don't forget we are celebrating MD on Sunday so make sure SD does something nice for me". I'm never disappointed on any bday/holiday because my hubby is great and we plan things together. I'm not shy about saying "hey, my bday is in 2 weeks and I want ___". So if I were you I would bring it up and say it hurt your feelings and make plans to do it better next year. good luck!!!

I really think I would be offended if my daughter was forced to celebrate mothers day with her future step mom, now if she wanted to and asked to, I would take her to get the gift and help plan something...also I would encourage it if my ex had been with someone for many years...not J. one or two....I'm a single mom and didn't have someone celebrate M. on mothers day and wasn't bummed in the least (instead i got all the other moms in my life flowers and got my daughter a flower and thanked her for being my daughter--maye you could do that, in order to get thanks you can show it 1st...why don't you thank her for letting you be an important figure in her life...)...if you like being her step mom that should be rewarding in itsef to see her thrive....after many years of taking this role she may look at you like a mom and decide herself to honor you this day...also she may feel like she is hurting her mom celebrating with you...I understand wanting your husband to thank you, but expecting the child to is a little above and beyond and in some aspects wrong...Although if you have been her step mom and primary caregiver for years it is reasonable to want to be acknowledged..if she doesnt feel comfotable calling you mom you should celebrate another hliday like step parent day

I think you sound like a pretty terrific stepmom...home schooling... Wow! I also think that you have to teach people (ie. Children and apparently your husband) how to treat you. I would definitely mention this to your husband but not your stepdaughter regardless of her age. I sincerely hope he gets it. You are not asking for much, just to be recognized and I really don't think having your SD acknowledge you as a stepmom is forcing her to celebrate you.

Ok, she is 9 ... and how long have you been her step mom for? A year is what it seems or maybe a little over; might not be long enough to have that kind of feeling for you. Second, this should be HER choice to celebrate it with you not your husbands or yours. You are her step mom, not her mom ... I am sorry but it is what it is. Personally I would have been upset if I were forced to celebrate for my step mom even if she did do mom like things for me. There were times, due to my mom's health issues, that my sister was more my mom and I never celebrated her on mother's day. You may not like it, but that's my take.

I would talk to your husband about it. From your post, it sounds like you definitely play a big "mom" role in her life. And since they have acknowledged you on Mother's Day in the past, why not this year? You sound like a wonderful stepmom and she is probably lucky to have both you & her Mom.

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Men are completely clueless when it comes to this stuff. You are not his mom, so therefore he doesn't plan anything for you. My boyfriend didn't do anything for me either even though I've been taking care of his 5 kids since march now. he wanted to give one of the kids money to get their mom something and that really upset me because lately she doesn't do anything for them unless it's convenient for her, and she seems to be going out of her way to not make enough money to pay any child support. ad it wasn't that i didn't want him buying anything for her, just that I felt really left out and was upset about it. he ended up having the kids make cards for their mom instead, and two of them (the girls of course) made me cards too, which was unexpected - he didn't tell them to. (they're both teens though; much more likely to think of something like that than a 9 year old.) So I totally know what you mean and i'm gonna find out when that stepparent day is!! :)

C....

You ARE as much of a parent to this little girl as her bio parents. The next time you have her for the weekend, plan a day where just the two of you go for pedicures, manicures, lunch, shopping...just the (step)mama and the (step)daughter. You can share with her how much you love her, how much fun you have when you are together. Eventually, she may come to understand how much of a mother you are to her and honor you on Mother's Day. She may not, out of loyalty to her bio mother. But you two can enjoy celebrating YOUR day together.

You sound like a lovely mother. Best wishes!

Hi. I am so sorry that you were "overlooked" on Mother's Day. I am also a step mom to a 9yr old. She tells me she loves me every day. Her dad (my hubby) tells me what a wonderful MOM I am to my daughters as well has his daughter. You should feel celebrated every day, not just one Sunday in April. : ) I get your point and I agree. A card made from her would have been great. My SD was also with her mom that day and when she came home, she appologized for not making a card but gave me a huge hug. I told her it was okay, it's not about the gifts. Granted, my hubby did take my kids out to get me some flowers and the kiddos made cards and gifts. Anyway, please know in your heart that you are special to her and to your hubby....you are loved every day as a MOM... {hugs}

Wow...this is a tough one. I do acknowledge my stepmother on Mother's Day just to respect my dad's wife. She never raised me, but I do like her and want her to feel better that we acknowledge her. I think your husband should have planned something, but I would not blame your stepdaughter for his ignorance. Remember Father's Day is coming up too...so to each his own.