Mother Still Angry over Elopement – Insights Wanted

Spinster?!?! I'm 48 and been divorced for quite a while and have a 21 year old daughter. I will definitely need to tell my 30 year old boyfriend that I'm a spinster....he'll get a kick out of that.

You acted like a child in not telling anyone and now she is reacting as the mother of an errant child. I too would be very hurt which would probably come across as anger. You'll get it when your child grows up and hides some life-altering event from you. Just wait until you meet for the first time, YOUR 6 month old grandchild. Yeah, you'll understand when you grow up.

Eloping is one thing, but keeping it from family for so long, along with a pregnancy is ridiculous. To me, if you couldn't stand up and own it, then you knew there was something wrong with it.

If you do it, own it.

Well, in my opinion, you want to be an adult and can't understand why she doesn't respect you as an adult, but you acted very childishly. I'm fine with eloping, I get that. I would have preferred to do that. But I wouldn't have cut out my own parents. I would have at least said - this is what we're doing. But even short of that, you didn't tell them after the fact? If I were your friend or family member, it would lower my opinion of you to hide something so important and so basic about yourself. My sister-in-law chose to have a private wedding in the Bahamas without any of us. She told us in advance that was happening. I was perfectly fine with it - her mother was hurt, but it was her decision. But had she simply not told any of us and hid it for months thereafter, I'd have thought it was bitchy and unkind. That sends a very clear message of "you are meaningless to me." My brother got married in Las Vegas and the only people there were my parents, just because they happened to be going the same weekend. Again, I knew in advance, there was a reception a few months later in both cases. No one's feelings were hurt. We respected their privacy. But all the sneaking around and lying by omission is childish and rude. The way she is treating you is wrong, but it's out of anger and it's anger you earned.

Well, I can understand why your Mother is mad. You are absolutely an adult and can make your own choices in life, but you didn't stand up and own your decision for this either. I understand about the elopement although I can completely understand that your Mother was hurt. Keeping it a secret was a dumb idea. Owning your decisions would have been to have told everyone when you got back from the wedding.

You call your mom a spinster?

I also do not "get" this post because of your last post. You were so upset about possibly moving away from your mother in that post. You didn't want to hurt her, you were worried about her blah blah and now you hate her and it sounds like she is a different person based on your past post.

I don't get what you are looking for here, I don't understand your question and why you now state that you hate your mother.

I am answering based on the elopement question alone.

We eloped on New Years Eve 1988. We had lived together about 2 years and we knew it was what we wanted to do. My husband had met my family and my mom and especially step dad at the time did not like him simply because he was from north of the Mason Dixon Line. I am from the south and there are a LOT of prejudiced people from my original area.... that is why I got the hell out of that state as soon as I got my college degree and a job outside the state. So from day 1 my mom and stepdad were never crazy about my hubby simply because he is a yankee.

I was a plane ticket away from other family and he had met this family as well and as far as my dad and his side were concerned, I met a great man and they were very supportive.

We eloped because I did not want a big brouhaha and all the drama. We met in NC and we knew as soon as hubby finished his MBA from Duke, we would be relocating to the Dallas area in 1989.

On New Years Day when I got the obligatory Happy New Year call, my mom asked what did we do and I said "we got married". You would have thought I killed someone and her reaction was pleading me "not to move across country with that man" and "I cheated her out of a wedding".

Needless to say, there have been some trying times in my near 26 yrs of marriage but she came around when my daughter was born in 12/94 and we mended things pretty well in order for her to visit me and meet my daughter when my daughter was about 8 months old.

Things are much smoother now, she realizes that the guy I married is a good guy and we have been a great team.

Parents have different reasons for reacting in different ways. Sometimes is it personally a selfish reason.

You are a team with your husband now and you have a baby. You have YOUR family now and it is your job to make your family your priority. You can't live your life worrying about how to make everyone happy because you can't make everyone happy. Prioritize YOUR family.

Good luck

She's wrong, you're wrong.

You need counseling, A.. You need counseling and you need to cut her out of your life.

The first thing you should have done is sent out wedding ANNOUNCEMENTS. That way, everyone would have known that you were married. That's what married people who elope do. Instead, you played games with everyone. No one but your mother cared about your game, but she's the one who is The Punisher. What did you think she would do? Smile? Be happy? Of course not. She is jealous, vindictive, rude and abusive. Instead of paying attention to her, you should have been letting the world know that you had gotten married and then you wouldn't have embarrassed her in front of everyone.

I don't understand why you are asking here why she reacted the way she did. EVERYTHING you say about her here answers your own question.

Stop answering her phone calls. Stop going to her house. You do NOT have to expose your baby to her. Do you really want her treating you this way in front of the baby that she talks so terribly about?

For heaven's sake, start thinking with your head instead of your heart. Your mother is damaged goods and toxic, and now with a child of your own, you can't keep putting up with this.

Go to a counselor and get help finding your backbone. And stay away from this woman!

Okay, I, too cringed at the word "spinster", being 47 and single by choice. What century are you from?

(Clears throat) Anyway, Holy Hell, your mom sounds like a tyrant. Good news is, now you're a mom too, and have an opportunity to break the cycle. I don't think her being a grandmother is going to help the situation. Bleck, sorry.

Congratulations! This is yours. You're allowed to have it. You're allowed to have something good.

:)

You eloped, kept it a secret, and now want your mother to accept it. Even when someone dies, we have to see them for reality/closure. You should have told shortly after you married him. Now that you didn't do that, you [should] apologize and move on.

Aside from her feelings being hurt, you don't sound like you had the best relationship with your mother. It happens. Let it go and move on. Maybe someday the two of you can reconcile and have a mother/daughter relationship.

Why she reacted the way she did? Really? Because everything is all about her - as evidenced by your prior post about your mother being way too busy to see you, but she has no friends or hobbies, but she can't come see you. In her defense, I'll say that something terrible happened to her, either as a child or as a single mother, and she seems incapable of being happy. Yet you are still trying to make her happy.

You did not want your wedding ruined, and you knew that it would be if you involved her. So you eloped, then you struggled with telling people the truth about when it had happened. You've also strongly considered moving out of the country (prior post) because you would like to raise your child with loving grandparents and aunts/uncles from your husband's side in Ireland. So there's a part of you that knows full well that your mother cannot and will not be able to provide a solid emotional support to your child (as she has not been able to do for you).

I can't believe that people in 2014 are still talking about "asking for my hand" (because you are not property), especially because it would have been an invitation for more drama and rejection. No one could please your mother, because nothing in life pleases her. She doesn't like kids, she doesn't like husbands, she doesn't much like you. I'm sure she loves you in her own way, but that is extremely limited and and she's unable to really provide any support at all.

There's a part of you that's behind the times because you use the term "spinster" which really means a never-married single woman with no children. I think what you mean is that your mother is a lonely and solitary person by choice, because whatever hurts she has had in the past, she can't move beyond them and be kind/decent to anyone, especially you.

As others have said - stop trying to change her. She is how she is. You cannot please her under any circumstances. Even if you did what she is asking, there would be something else that would tick her off.

Get counseling to find the strength to cut her loose. That doesn't necessarily mean no contact at all, because I don't think you are ready for that now. However, you need to figure out how long you are going to be a doormat and let her hurt you. Moreover you were raised by her and you feel that you don't matter. So what is the point of subjecting your baby to her? If you allow your child to be wounded by this woman - as you have been and continue to be wounded - you are setting your child up to be as conflicted and sad as you are.

You need to get much more clarity on how your mother's actions and words affect you, and figure out why you still put up with them. You are still worried about hurting her and trying to make her happy. From what you've said here, it will never be possible to make her happy and it will never be possible to avoid hurting her or making her angry. I would try to find a new world view and a new view of family - I think you're on the road toward that, with a husband you love and a wedding you kept private and manageable. So you need to keep making choices that exclude horrible people (and yes, all horrible people have probably been damaged by something in their pasts) and moves you forward. Please find a counselor and set up regular appointments - it won't be just a handful of visits. Besides your mother, you would benefit from getting help in redefining what a mother is and what a child and husband need so that you can be effective without having seen any of this growing up.

There is more than a little immaturity in this post. Use of the word "spinster" just being the tip of the iceberg. I suggest that you start focusing on your issues, not your mother's. Maybe after that, your relationship(s) will improve.

And what WildWoman said...

Well, you said a lot when you said she is alone and hates men. (My mom never remarried after the last one, either, but she doesn't hate men.) So I would consider the source. People elope for a lot of reasons and "so my difficult mother doesn't cause a scene" can be one of them. We can only speculate why she behaves as she does. I suspect that this "my opinion didn't matter" business is a bit of the truth, and the further truth is that you did not NEED her permission. You are a grown woman. If she has no one else in her life, then you are de facto spouse/friend/scapegoat.

When you elope, you accept that not everyone will be happy and that's a big thing to do without an audience. Then you didn't tell them. You kind of dug your own hole there. Surely you and your DH thought about some of the fallout before you married, right? Anyway, so now what's done is done.

I would have boundaries. You don't need her permission, and you didn't ask for it. You may never get her approval. And you and your DH need to be OK with that, not seek it, and not work too hard to get it. Accept the consequences of your own choices and actions.

As for the grandbaby, you will have to put boundaries in place so that you're not subjecting your child to a lot of negativity. I witnessed friend of mine's MIL carrying the baby around saying, "Your momma doesn't raise you right" and meaning it. Protect your child from the venom, even if it means a very distant grandparent relationship. You would not be the first or last to choose surrogate grands over real ones (friend of mine's DIL is hostile toward her, so friend dotes on my DD instead).

I also think you should consider individual counseling to 1. deal with her and 2. create and maintain healthy boundaries. I bet hearing for 20 years "what your dad did" has had an impact on you that you should try to resolve. For your marriage and child's sakes, as well as your own. Especially if (as others pointed out, I did not read it) you also questioned moving away from her. It sounds like you and she have a lot to work out regarding your relationship.

Look, when dealing with a critical, miserable person like your mom, I think you're taking the wrong approach.
Why would you keep your engagement or wedding a secret for so long?
I suppose you could tell her nothing if you want to cut ties, but it sounds like you act as if your never going to see/talk to her again--but cleArly not the case.
I think a better idea is to "train" your mom about what is and is not acceptable.
When she calls your husband names? "Mom, I'm not going to listen to you disrespect my husband. Gotta go. Bye." Hang up.
When she starts grousing about babies? "Have a good day, Mom, gotta put Prudence down for a nap."
In other words? Don't ALLOW it.

Push come to shove? Tell your mom (firmly and calmly) that you were secretive because of her past behavior, comments and negativity, but moving forward, you'll put it all out there and when you want her opinion--you'll ask for it.

IMO, ALL things like this in life come from unexpressed and unmet expectations. Think about what she expected, what you expected, etc.

Please stop, take a deep breath and re-read Wild Woman's post.

About a hundred times.

She's right. Your past postings and this one add up to a lot of contradictions. Are you mature enough to sit down and look at what you wrote as if you were a stranger? Can you see objectively that you both want to please your mother AND you are furious with her? Try to read these, all, as if you were reading someone else's posts.

Frankly, you sound very young, however old you are in years. You are now married with a child (both in very short order, which is overwhelming to anyone), and being pressured by your husband to move overseas while your mom reams you with criticism over both husband and baby but you lack the fortitude just to stop calling her.

Please see a counselor immediately. Not next month, not next week, now. You took on a ton of major life changes in a very short time frame; kept them secret, which cut you off from support other than your husband; and now need to learn to tell your mother that as an adult wife and mother, you will be focusing on your husband and child and will resume contact when she is able to respect your choices.

Counseling will teach you how to stop wanting mom to approve of you so much, and how to stand on your own feet in discussing life changes with your husband. (Is he still pushing to move overseas?) You need to get an outside perspective in your life to help you learn objectivity and boundaries. Your child, above all else, needs you to take control of your emotions and actions so you can remove toxic grandma from your life (for now at least) AND deal with your husband like you're both partners in any choices you make.

She sounds like my sister, who I cut out of my life years ago and I do not regret that decision for a minute. Stop trying to figure out why she is the way she is, it's not your fault and it's no longer your problem. Move on, stop contacting her and limit your communications to holidays.

Asking for your hand? What are you, her property? I've told my sons that if they are required to ask for anyone's "hand" they should think twice about who they are going to marry. And my daughter? I don't "give away" people, I don't own her. This is a cultural habit I would love to see fade into obscurity.

This is just must opinion. You are a mother now and hopefully you can see from your mother's point of view how hurtful it was to keep it such a secret. She does need to accept and get over it, but I can see why she was angry about it. I do under eloping but being so secretive, I don't understand that. So she was going to get mad, you already knew that, so why keep it from everyone for so long. Ruining a holiday really? Would you want your daughter to do that to you? I do understand it was your husband and your business, but come on, not tell everyone for months? I think as you get older and build a relationship with your daughter then you'll understand your mom a little more. Yes, she is bitter from your dad, and so she wants to protect you, I get that, I also get she needs to treat you more like an adult but you are acting like a child sneaking around. When you are an adult stand up for yourself and your choices. Marriage isn't something you need to hide. Not telling everyone your salary, get that, but not marriage.
You and your mom need to have boundaries and treat each other like an adult. My mom is my best friend, I can't imagine my life without her. She doesn't agree with everything I do, but she does accept it. Same as I don't agree with what my children do, I have a 19 year old. I give her my feedback but I also accept her choices. I look back at my own life, when I was in my late teens and twenties, I wish I would have listened to my mother more, she was right on things, but I also know how I thought I was so grown. It's different when you become a mother.
I do hope you have a great relationship with your mother. She does need to accept things, but stop being so secretive. Everything will come to the light eventually.

Ditto Theresa N. Right on Theresa.

My own mom is like this. Counseling helped me immensely. I was able to see who I was without my mom, who my mom truly is as her own person, and move on. I stopped wishing she was who I needed her to be and saw her for her own self. It was very, very healing.

And yes, you deserve good things, you deserve to be happy. These sorts of situations are so hard. I found that there really is no pleasing a person who makes it all about themselves, period. My guess is that you will never be able to win her approval, no matter what you do. Start focusing on healing, stop trying to make sense of her weird overreactions. Get healthy yourself, get disengaged from the power struggle (for control of your self) and let yourself enjoy this new chance at a happier, more loving and accepting family.

You sound like you have good moral support from your husband and I'm sure he'd want to you to continue to grow as a person. It's okay to walk away from things that continue to hurt you.

I almost feel like part of you did this to hurt your mom a little. Don't get me wrong, she said very mean, hurtful things, but you did something extremely hurtful as well.
I hope not to every have this type of relationship with my daughter, but I can't imagine how hurt I would be if she purposefully kept something like that a secret from me for such a long time. You justify why you eloped but not why you didn't come back and tell her right away. That part seems at best very inconsiderate.
Like a few other ladies said, focus on yourself instead of everything she does wrong, it takes two to tango.

Sounds like a very toxic person. Thank goodness you are 5-6 hours away. Sounds like that is the healthiest decision you probably ever made. If I were you. I would make an appointment with a therapist to take care of YOU. I don't think anything you did was wrong. I think you took care of YOU, which is what life is all about. Sometimes people have to take extra care of themselves, especially with a very toxic family situation.

You are amazing. I hope you find strength in knowing that you did the best thing for you.

We have similar mothers. I have always said that if I get married again, I would not tell or include my parents. My mother, in particular, is extremely selfish and self absorbed. Everything is about her. Everything.

So this makes sense to me. And it also makes sense that yours is still mad. Because your wedding is all about her, you see. Selfish.
She sounds toxic to me (as mine is to me), and I think you made the right call that was healthy for you, and led to a happy experience for you.

She's making this about her. It's up to you whether or not you tolerate it.

I feel like you're both in the wrong. The elopement was fine, I'm also an introvert and got married in Vegas with just a few people there (although my parents were a few of those people, my husband's weren't because his mom hates Vegas and he hates his step mom) but you should have done some sort of announcement afterwords instead of hiding it and hiding the baby.

So, your mom is always this way? Stop talking to her. Tell her if she wants to be nasty, you're fine with being estranged. Giving birth to someone doesn't give you the right to treat them the way she treats you. Do you want her as a role model for your child? I cut my grandfather out a few years ago because all he did was hurt my feelings. I had a new baby recently and my aunt tried to guilt me into sending him a new baby announcement, but since he moved and never sent me his new address, I'm assuming he didn't care and I'm not going to go out of my way to open new wounds.

Decide where your priorities are. Do you want your mother in your life? There's no law that says she has to be.

You knew exactly how she was going to react.
I believe she would have reacted the same whether you planned a huge wedding or eloped - she's just doing what she always does.
You can't change her and she isn't going to.
She's angry at your father, her life and displacing it all on your shoulders - and it's isn't fair that you should bear the brunt of it.
The only thing you can change is how you feel about her reaction.
You are living your life and you're happy - why should you have to apologize to anyone repeatedly for doing so?
If your Mom wants to hold onto a grudge - well she's free to do that - but with that sort of bitterness eating away at her she's not going to be holding on to anything else - no one is ever going to want to be anywhere near her.
It's sort of a self fulfilling prophecy - her past interactions are getting in the way of any future interactions.
Some therapy might help her but she's got to admit she has a problem first and then want to do something about it.
Right now it seems she wants to blame everyone around her for avoiding her and it's causing even more people to avoid her.
Tell her 'Mom I know you are angry about a lot of things but if you want a future where we get along you are going to have to let go of the past.'.
Just realize she might not be able to let it go.

She may be upset that she was left out. I know my mom would have been But I would say you may need to sit down with her and say hey I am sorry we did not include you but this is how it is and if you can't accept it then maybe you should not be a part of my life. Her negativity is not something you need. Sounds like she is a very unhappy bitter person and wants everyone to feel the same way and I am so sorry you have had to deal with that. I hope that you can talk to her and it will get better. But if not try to accept that she's going to be like that and if you don't want to deal with it don't talk to her and build your own family with your local friends. Family can be more than blood that's for sure!!!! Good luck!

Hurt people, Hurt people.

If she is angry she has a right to feel the way she feels and you have a right to stop her from being disrespectful to you by letting her know you won't continue conversation if she is being disrespectful and give her an example. She should be free to say how and why she is angry with you but you are under no obligation to disregard how you feel and you should be able to express your feelings without being disrespectful to her. You get to choose how you are going to respond in thoughts, words and actions toward your mother and others.

Practice beginning having a healthy relationship with her even if you are the only one in the relationship that is healthy. You should get counseling to learn how to do this as well as learn how to be honest and candid about your life and what is going on with you.

Your mom may be critical or she may just be very poor at communicating. When we read this we only get your side of the story.

Lastly. Congratulations on being happily married and your new little one. Life is ultimately good so run with that knowing that life isn't without challenges but they come to test what you believe and why.

Your mom may have been hurt over 20 years ago but you are really young and have no idea how deep pain can go when left untreated which is why I'm suggesting to you to get counseling or you could end up being your mom in your future.

She reacted that way out of feeling neglected and not informed or given a choice in the matter. She wanted to be included. Since she wasn't- she flipped out.

I think any mother would have some degree if hurt feelings by not seeing her daughter getting married. However, I think if it were me, I'd be hurt, but I'd also understand to a certain extent( especially about the financial/ romantic/ introverted thing) . I'd make you do it over just for my need it, and invite everyone over for a party. That's me though,

Id let her stew for awhile, then talk to her after she cools. Your an adult, and chose to make this decision. She will either be happy and accept it, or hold it over your head, and give you all kinds if guilt ridden statements.

Choose to be happy, and choose to be different.

Your mom chose her life, you can't change that, but you can change how it effects you, and your relationship.

Be well.

You eloped without telling her. You had a baby and didn't tell her about the marriage or the baby until your baby was 6 months old. How can you not understand why she's angry?

Let go of past ways she's acted and deal only with the marriage and baby. Apologize. Accept that you made poor decisions if your goal was to remain part of the family. Perhaps unconsciously or consciously you wanted to hurt your mother for all the times she hurt you. Perhaps you wanted a reason to no longer be a part of family. Perhaps there are other emotionally laden issues.

We all have issues surrounding parents. This happened and continues as a problem. Your mother hurt you. You've hurt your mother really big time. Because you haven't resolved your issues caused by the relationship you have with your mom. If you're truly a mature and independent women what your mom thinks about babies would not bother you so much. I suggest you are still emotionally dependent on your mom. I urge you to get counseling to work thru your issues about mom so you can be independent from her.

I've had someone close to me elope..an older family member is all I'm saying. I still think they were a jerk to do so and it was a long time ago. Sure, I'm happy they are happy, but part of me wonders why they thought we weren't close enough to include me in the process. I think they were afraid of my reaction and thought they wouldn't be accepted. In my opinion, it was hurtful and weird.

(sorry this is so long)

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have the same sentiments as you about a wedding (though I was convinced to have small, small wedding and a larger, open reception as a compromise). I also have family members like your mother. Perhaps you made a mistake in eloping without telling anyone (if we had done so, we would have told people we are getting married, but privately--one of my cousins did that and it was fine), but the past cannot be undone, not like that anyway. My grandmother has a very similar personality to your mother, so I understand how difficult it can be. I suspect that even if you married him in another way, she would still be cynical (despite my husband convincing me to have a reception for her and our family's sake to avoid them disliking us, she is still very cynical of our lifestyle and doesn't really believe in love and motherhood despite, or maybe because of, having two children and three marriages--one current). Remember that, even if she is your mother, what she says doesn't matter if it isn't true.

If she says "You're lucky that I still talk to you," agree with her, because you are. I have been on the verge of being disowned by my grandmother numerous times, and us much of a pain as she is, I still love her and appreciate that she hasn't done it yet.

Tell her that no child is a mistake. (Or that God doesn't make mistakes if you are of that persuasion--even if she isn't)

If she says that babies are horrible, tell her that you disagree with that opinion. I'd avoid asking whether or not she regrets being born or having you because she might say yes (my grandmother would. She dislikes my mother that much and even offered to pay to have me aborted when she found out she was pregnant with me. I can't imagine not being here because of her! To be thought of as a mistake is heartrending).

Your husband does not need your parents permission to marry you. They don't give a dowry, they didn't have to pay for a wedding, they didn't have to sign your papers because you are an independent adult. If you can do so nicely, tell her that you feel she will never approve of anyone but you want to try your hand at marriage even if hers didn't work out.

Apologize for not INFORMING her when you got married, but point out that the negative conversation you are in the midst of is the very reason why you didn't want to tell her.

Tell her that her opinions do matter to you, so long as they are thought-out, intelligent, and founded, just like when you ask anyone else for advice as an adult. If she says she doesn't like someone because they're too skinny or too fat, that isn't a valid point. You recognize that she has been married and raised a child before, and so you would love advice and stories about that, but simply being told "don't" isn't advice. As humans we need loved ones and children so far as we are able to obtain them.

Try to speak and act with love. I know it is difficult. Reply calmly or not at all. You can avoid her otherwise if you have to, but make sure to call every so often (YOU initiate it, once a month, or once a quarter, or once a week--whatever is appropriate) to just talk or ask about her experience as a mother or whatnot. Send her birthday and Christmas cards or whatnot. Basically: don't disown her, don't spit poison back at her, but feel free to ignore such comments and questions or even blatantly ask to change the subject to something more civilized because you want to have a LOVING conversation with your mother.

By the way, we started TRYING for children almost as soon as we were married. Our 1st was born a month shy of our first anniversary and we got plenty of weird looks from those who didn't understand. Our next was only 15 months later and the comments were worse and we are pregnant again such that the age gap will be similar, but this time it is twins. I expect a LOT of misunderstandings to arise with my decision to have 4 children 2.5 and younger. We practice a religion my grandmother hates (and I do mean that literally) and misunderstands, and I stay at home as a wife and mother, whereas my grandmother raised me to be "independent." There are many people out there who live in a way contrary to their upbringing, relatives, and old friends. You are not alone. Try to atone for your offenses, but live life in the way you feel is right--but always search for what IS right for you.

To answer your last question, I have only a little insight, because I do not entirely understand why my own grandmother. She is mad because you didn't even INFORM her that you were getting married--the single most important decision in your life and she IS your mother. Even if you didn't want to have a wedding, you could have called when you got engaged and then called when you decided to have a private wedding and then let her know when you got married. I think that is one of the reasons she is angry. She did raise you after all, and I'm sure it wasn't easy, because motherhood isn't, especially with a spousal relationship rocky enough that you end up divorcing.

There are probably underlying reasons fueling her continued anger and grudge, as opposed to forgiveness (however reluctant it might be), as mothers are often inclined to give. Those reasons are her own. They have to do with the anger and sadness which she chooses as companions, and there is little you can do about it except endure. And pray, if you are of that persuasion. If you do a little soul searching you might even be able to understand her, because you may have similar tendencies, since you are her blood and she did raise you. I know I see aspects of my grandmother in my mother and myself, with each generation learning to combat it better, but all of us struggle with depression, passive aggressive tendencies (childish manipulation), passing the blame, and getting stuck in that rut of darkness. Many people have argued that negative emotions are addictive, and I agree if only from anecdotal evidence. Realize that it is a struggle, and that is only after you decide to get out of it, which many have yet to do.

So, yes, her anger is legitimate. I don't think anyone should hold a grudge, though, but of course it is difficult to forgive something so significant, especially if you have other negative emotions already ruling over you.

Just remember that her choices are hers. YOU can control how YOU react, what you say, how you feel, etc. even if it is very difficult at first.

Since I don't believe in luck, I will give you what I believe in instead, and that is prayer. But if you are not of that persuasion, just pretend I said "Good Luck!"

Maya Angelou and Dr. Phil said/say, "You teach people how to treat you." It sounds like you are setting the stage for a better relationship with your mom after she gets over this hurt.

What stood out to me was when you said she has made you cry, that is not okay. It is your life and she needs to learn to let this go. I would sit with her and explain it all simply, that you are an adult that made the choice that was right for you and your family, and that if her feelings are hurt over it that you are sorry, but it needs to be over now and her feelings are her problem. Let her know you love her, but that you will not continue to be abused and that you hope that once she is ready to let go of her hurt and really open her heart to your family that you hope she will make contact with you at that time, and then walk away and limit contact.