Mother Inlaw

Well I have two mother-in-laws. Yep I'm so lucky. My step-mil and I have a pretty good relationship. We get along fine and haven't had any issues. However the bio-mil and my relationship isn't so hot. In fact, she is what you would consider a true "monster" in law. Luckily though, she lives in another state so contact with her is limited. However when she has come down to visit or when we've gone to visit up there and on the phone, she can't help herself from being just plain mean and disrespectful. My husband used to say it's just because she's getting old and senile. I said, no it isn't. After the last month (longest month in my life) visit he finally saw what I was referring to (she usually hid it from him) and admitted that she's always been mean. She said to me one time a few years ago, that my husband really loved his ex-wife. I was like, well I hope so, he had two kids with her. Then asked her what was the point in telling me this? Her reply was, I just thought you should know. I'm like really?? It was just an attempt to start something. She has a habit of talking bad of others all the time, so you know she is talking about you to others. After hearing about how awful her other DIL is she tells me, that I remind her of her. Hadn't met the other DIL all I had to go on is what she told me of her so when she tells me I remind of her, I lost it. I was also pregnant at the time. Just plain mean she is. But I'm fortunate that she lives in another state and thankful for the relationship that I do have with the other. I'm sorry that I can't have a better relationship with the other but it is what it is. Some MIL's just can't be nice nor can they be respectful. So you are not the only one dealing with a MIL like this but know that not all are like that.

I didn't always like my MIL, until I stopped expecting her to act the way "I wanted her to." I started to see that she meant well; it's just that she is from a totally different culture than me and obviously from a different generation.

One time I sent her a thank you letter because she did something nice. I added to the letter how thankful I was that she raised such a wonderful son and went on and on about what a great husband and dad he was. Some of who he is can be from a good upbringing, but some is because he didn't want to be like his parents. (But they don't have to know that.)

Anyway, she became a different person, not so competitive for my husband's attention, but more important, I began to see her as someone who wasn't evil, just different from me. She still can be annoying (in little ways) but I just ignore it because I know I must be too since we are quite different. We have a good time together, which is good since our kids are grown and it's just us visiting.

Once I stopped nitpicking everything my MIL did, we became friends and have a great relationship. She loves my kids and they her, so it's important they have a good relationship with her. Life is happier for the whole family that way. Not all MIL's are bad, but I think a lot of women struggle with their MIL, based on all the women I meet who complain about them. There are times I think we need to relax a little bit about things. I feel bad for my own mom because my SIL has never treated her very well...has always been cold to her. Screaming and yelling would definitely make the visits unpleasant as would being treated rudely...try talking to her about it in a kind way, tell her how you feel and that you want things to be better. Hopefully she'll respond well, maybe she feels that you don't like her...talking it out might help the relationship. If she ends up avoiding you because you kindly confronted her, then it sounds like she's immature. Good luck to you.

How's this one:

My MIL said boys are more fun, it's a girl.
Butchers my last name and tells friends I am Italian, I am Spanish.
Says she is coming by for 45 minutes, at 45 minutes she leaves.
Calls the house while we are at work and leaves messages.
Left a handful of bookmarked decorating magazines on my table.
Called me at work to ask me to dinner while it was impossible to get from work to daycare and back to where they were staying.
Says I make too big a deal about our daughters birthday.
Drives through town and keeps on driving.
I mailed her a card and let my daughter handprint it and she made some statement about, "Whatever that mess was".

The flip side...they RV. Our daughters refers to her as the Grandma that lives on a BUS!!!!!

My MIL and I have just about nothing in common.

I respect her as my husband's mother and she treats me respectfully as well.
Are we close? Not particularly.
I s she overbearing? You bet.
Does she "try" to tell me what to do? Often.
I let it go in O. ear and out the other.
I'm not a child, and if I want her advice, I ask for it.

When I read your post the thought that comes to mind is: Why is your husband allowing you to be treated like this?

Perhaps if her nastiness is not tolerated by ANY of you, she might get the hint? Good luck.

I get along very well with my MIL, until she brings up her "issues" with me not having another child ,like, yesterday, and the fact that I haven't converted to the Catholic Religion..That gets old. quickly..However, other then those things we are very close and have a good friendship.

Oh the grass is always greener....yesterday Easter...I didn't want to go to the "family" dinner as we've been having problems with our 20 year old daughter and I was having a rough day. You would have thought someone died. They made snide comments to my two teenage sons about me and then my sons came home angry. The whole thing turned into a nightmare. I had more fun just sitting down with my husband and kids and having dinner than dealing with all the tension. I think it's a mother in law thing. P.S. My MIL has always been way up in our kool-aide and it's annoying. I guess we marry men with the opposite of what we would do well with. Sigh.... :(.... so enjoy the time you are there and as long as she is good to your kids try and let the rest go. Good Luck.

seems normal to me, it appears that your mother in law tends to not contact because she is staying out of your business, the involving the sister in things is a buffer either because she does not feel comfortable around you or she feels you dont feel comfortable. seems like she gets along with the son because he is a kid and thats always good. you didnt give any examples of how she was rude so i'm gonna guess her being rude as just acting different when other family members are around. It took me a while to get to know my mother in law, I can tell when she is on my turf she feels uncomfortable but when we go to her house she feels more comfortable and behaves more relaxed. Spending time with her and showing her respect is how I gained her respect. Maybe you should set aside time to spend with her alone one on one, not sure how far you live from her but try it. I dont think she means to act like you dont exists maybe she just does not know you...My question is to you: Do you like your mother in law and do you want a good relationship with her? MIL's can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

She sounds bizarre! What about your husband -her son? Where is he in all of this? If I were you, I wouldn't have anything else to do with her and I wouldn't worry about it. I would let my husband know if he wanted to initiate any visits with her or between her and her grandson, to go ahead, but I wouldn't do anything to contact or set up plans with her on my own again. If your husband makes plans with her -then go along, but leave it all up to him. After all, it's HIS mother!

I feel you... My mother-in law... I think HATES me! I think it's pretty normal for them to act like this. Just remember that you aren't alone when it comes to getting bullied by your ow mother-in-law

For me, and I love my MIL, I have just accepted she is a different person than me. Like everyone else in the world, she has her own ideas about how things should go down. Mine is Vietnamese and VERY controlling. I have come to realize that she is just trying to help. The mother's take care of the family NO matter what. She cooks, won't let anyone help clean up. She is CONSTANTLY buying us things and then telling us where to put them in our house. Her intentions are good, and when she's around, I can defer to her. If its something I feel strongly about, I speak up, and she listens. I think because I do give her her way quite often.

I say, suck it up. So she acts like you don't exist, it could be WAY worse than that. She plays with your son in such a fun way. SO many people want that for their children and never get it. Try focusing on the positive and letting go of your expectations. It's very freeing. I'm not saying be a doormat, just pick your battles.

It's hard to tell 100% from your post, but these could all be normal culture-clash issues, not out-and-out rudeness. Okay, so she doesn't invite you for visits in advance? Well, if you're always reaching out to her, she may not need to. She texts rather than calling? Some people feel like texting is polite and calling is rude; others are the exact opposite. She doesn't pay you enough attention when you're there -- could be flat-out rudeness, or she could just be a little socially awkward.

I'm not saying you have nothing to complain about, but it's possible that she was raised with one set of social expectations and you were raised with another. And, the one thing I'm sure about is that Thou Cannot Change a Mother-in-Law. Most of her stuff sounds within the bounds of normal, if less than ideal. I'd recommend trying to let it roll off your back rather than getting all caught up in a drama about it.

no, they're not. mine can be a handful (she's very needy) but is very sweet and respectful. when you say 'yells and screams and carries on with him', what exactly do you mean? is she yelling and screaming AT your son? 'carrying on with him' could mean playing but i don't know how to interpret it.
the texting is beyond obnoxious, but that's how some people choose to communicate these days, not much you can do about it.
it sounds like a blessing that you don't have to do many holidays with her, i'd just let that ride. if she's not asking, and if you ask she treats you poorly, stop asking.
there's no excuse for her being rude to you in front of other family, and no reason to put up with it for your son. if she's wonderful with him, arrange for him to stay with her periodically while you take advantage of the opportunity to have some time for yourself. but if 'carrying on with him' means something other than what's okay, clearly you have to stay there, but arrange to do so only when other family ISN'T around so you don't have to put up with the rudeness.
i'm not sure what the downside is to confronting her and having her avoid you, frankly. would she really cut herself off from her grandson? and if she would, how much benefit is there for him, especially if what he's seeing is his grandmother being horrid to his mom?
khairete
S.

You need to talk to your husband about this and let him intervene. If she is rude or disrespectful to you, it's HIS job to stick up for you. And if you feel disregarded, you need to let your husband know so he can deal with the issue.

As for acting like you don't exist...Grandmas like to do things with just their grandchildren. Just step out of the way and let them. Go sit with your sister in law or husband.

it doesnt seem normal, because its not, grasshopper. turn the tables on her and her co dependent daughter. the next time she contacts you, DISREGARD HER, or better yet, tell her that her DAUGHTER would LOVE to do that exact thing with her that she is whining at you to do FOR her, then turn off your phone, sit back and watch the fun as the two of them go round and round, trying to get the other one to do something for her, dont be fooled, they both the problem. dont take your child over to visit with the monster in law until you see a dramtic change in her attitude toward you, because the child will start mimicing her behavior toward you if you dont put your foot down NOW.
K. h.