Major Problems W/ Mother-in-law

C.,

I feel your pain. I have been married for 19 years and for 15 of those years my mother in law was very rude to me as well as to some of our children. She would pick and choose which grandchildren she wanted to favor and which she would ignore. My first son she only saw maybe 5 times in his first five years of life. Then my second son she chose to acknowledge because he looked more like her side of the family. We now have six children and it is hit or miss with the last four. Finally I had had enough and spoke with my husband after our second child was born and told him about how hurtful her comment's were to me and to our children . I asked him if he would have a talk with her and explain that he is married to me and that her comments were rude and hurtful. She said she wasn't aware of any comments she was making. He did tell her that if she wasnt' accepting of me and our children that she needed to change her ways or we were not coming around her anymore. She did try for awhile and things were a little better. Then as more of my husband's sibling's starting to have their children some of the same issues arose with their wives. So I don't think she really learned anything from it she just moved on to the next one. Over the years she has missed some very important milestones in our children's lives. I have always tried to include her in birthday parties and to have her come and stay with us . Over the last five years our relationship has been the best it has ever been. I have forgiven her for the past and I want her to have healthy relationships with all our children. Our oldest son now has a relationship with her but is not as close to her as the younger ones. I remember when I was younger I used to try to tell her how to do things with our children such as feeding and bathing them. Now I realize she was a mother too and sometimes I was too critical of her also. The important thing is to talk to your husband and explain your feeling's and that you need him to back you on these issues. Then try not to get back at her by commenting on her remarks just let them go. Life is way too short and even though your relationship with her is tense your son's relationship with his grandmother should be a healthy one. I eventually talked with my mother in law about how her comments affected my relationship with her and she did apologize. I also apologized for being too critical and judgemental. Sometimes you hate to put your husband in the middle but it is important for him to back you on this. Good Luck and stay calm when you approach this subject with your husband.

Bottom line hun, you don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. You can work with your mother in law, try to work it out, please her or whatever until you're blue in the face, but the heart of the issue is your huisband not standing up for you & his family.

You might want to sit down & have a discussion with your husband when your little one is asleep about how his mother's actions make you feel & how him not standing up for you makes you feel. Have this discussion as calmly and non-judgementally as you can (easier said then done, I know). Make it about you & your feelings more than your mother in laws actions. With time she may or not come around, but either way your husband needs to get on board with standing up for the health of his family.

PS~ Please disregard the "advice" of Paula B. YOu did the right thing following the NICU dr's instructions regarding your child's sensitive, premature lungs. My sister in law is a NICU nurse and in your situation there simply is no second opinion to be had - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Hugs to you & I hope you had a great Mother's Day!

Hi C., so sorry you are having so much trouble with your MIL. From what I can see, she is only (unjustly) upset with you. It's impossible for her to hold anything against your son - and unlikely she'll hold anything against her son. The term "Mother's know best" is unfortunately bestowed upon meddling and upset MIL's too. Though your stance on the showers due to your son's prematurity was sensibly justified, in her mind, she knows best because she is your Elder - the experienced one.

It would not do any good to confront her on any issue at this point because a door has not yet been opened - you would just meet resistance and the situation would flare up even more. My suggestion would be to start calling her yourself offering time for her to play with your son alone - on her turf. When the [you smoke so you have to shower first] conversation first occurred, I would bet that this is what she interpreted it to mean: "Because you smoke you are not to be trusted with your grandson. Because you smoke you are not as good of a grandma. Because you smoke we don't trust you to keep your grandson healthy. Because you smoke you are an inadequate caretaker. etc..." I think any grandmother upon hearing something (bigger than hand washing) that would prevent her from immediately swooning over her new little pride and joy the second she walked in the door would feel not only hurt, but contempt toward the person she's not blood related. (I'm not saying her reaction is justified - it's not - but it goes way beyond sensibility and you cannot change that.) She needs to know that you trust her with him before you can attempt to improve your relationship with her.

Good LUCK!

You got some good responses so I'll keep it short. One of the main reasons my parents divorced (I was in 6th grade at the time) was because my dad never stood up for my mom. He's from a large family of 11 kids. His family, especially his mom didn't take to well to the new wives of the family. They treated them like outsiders, were very rude, etc. My dad was very passive and never stuck up for my mom. She was very hurt. I just want to say if this goes on it will weaken your marriage and eventually tear you apart because you'll come to resent him for not sticking by you. I hope you seek some outside help like the girl before me mentioned, it might help him to see how you feel.

Mommy of two girls!

Just something to think about: Could it be your husband doesn't say anything because he agrees w/ his mother about the way you raise the kids. I'm not saying that's the case, but if it is, that's a horse of a different color.

As most everyone else has said, you need to get to the bottom of it w/ hubby.

Good luck.

I used to have that problem with my ex husband's mother. I just decided to not make it a issue between my husband and me. BUT how I came about it was strange. my ex's mother treated him uniquely horrible I found out things about his upbringing that would have explained how my husband and his mother treated me if they were together. (I can't get into this here too long of a story) I would just keep on treating your baby the way you are treating him after all it is your baby and if you keep thinking that times have changed in the way babies are taken care of today vs 20 years ago.
and if she is mad because of a simple thing as having to take a shower before holding the baby and refuses to come see the baby it is her loss.

you have a choice with this --- you can either find out why your husband doesn't stand up to her or just assume that there is something and not let it bother you. or let it bother you to the point that the 2 of you get a divorce.

as far as how your mother in law treats you. work on not letting it bother you. it will just drive you crazy and not help at all.

as far as your baby thriving with what you are doing. if she is getting healthier than let yourself know that what you are doing is right and you do not need any advice for this particular phrase in the baby's life and if you need help with something you will ask.

every morning say to yourself my baby is doing good and I do not need advice from anyone and if I need it I will ask.

if you keep saying this and believe it it will help you ignore her rudeness and her unwanted advice.

really piss her off and change the subject.LOL

Maybe you'll end up lucky; like I did :-) My MIL NEVER liked me and often gave me hell... 23 years later she is still the same and still just as hateful. My kids refuse to see her (they are much older,now..21,18 and 15)they don't want to hear her put me down the whole time and bark orders for things to get cleaned or fixed... and it's her fault! She blames me to the rest of the family but, I don't care. :-) Trying to please someone else while trying to do what you feel is best for your child will never end well. At least you didn't have her living with you for 6 years!! Man, let me tell you that was rough! Good luck and talk to your hubby about her... he just might think you are over-reacting,too, and why he isn't saying anything to her?

omg,i am so sorry you have to deal with this selfish ignorance! you are the mommy and good for you for sticking up for your baby! as a pediatric nurse for a zillion years i see so many come back to the hospital for the terrible care they get at home! keep going strong and your baby will be a healthy strong boy later!!! (as for the husband,MOst of the men cower between mom and wife,they are just not mommys!)as for the monster in law...the good ones are RARE and God bless those that are sweet and loving you ROCK (mine sucks too)

You can't really change a person (your husband or mother-in-law). You can only try to gently point out where they might benefit from changing, and then support them in doing so.
Much as your mother-in-law is hurtful and rejecting, you are probably going to have to approach the painful subject of her attitude from a point of empathy, or you risk alienating her more. (Sometimes getting a taste of the rejection and harshness one has dished out causes some introspection in Some folks, it's no sure-fire method to awaken your MIL)
You will have to empathize with her original hurt over the shower/smoking thing. You will need to say something like you were so wrapped up with your son's illness, you could not afford much time to looking at things from her perspective...or not following doctor's orders frightened you...something to break the ice and offer the olive branch.

Hi C.,

So sorry you're having trouble with your MIL. But as someone else mentioned, your bigger problem is with your husband.
If he'll go, I suggest couples counseling. That way a third party can hear what's going on and help you both find solutions. Your priority is your child and your marriage, not your MIL's feelings. That's not to say you should be mean to her, but it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable with her.
You can't make her accept you. But you can work with your husband. He has to be able to put you and your child over his mother. And part of being an adult and a parent is protecting our family and standing up to people. Even if it's our parents. Trust me, it's one the hardest things to do to stand up to parents, but it's worth it to preserve your family. And a therapist can help him see that his behavior is not OK and neither is hers. It can be more damaging to your child than what his grandmother is doing. And a good therapist/counselor can help him find ways to address the issues with her.
HTH

Dear C.:
C., I was in the same situation. My husband idolized his mother and she took advantage of it. My mother-in-law was a dark person inside, despite her "Mary Poppins" appearance. It seemed as though she got great comfort in showing me that she was such a better mother than I was. I only found out years later from other inlaws that she was one of those mothers where the kids practically raised themselves. Stand up for yourself, be the mother you want to be. Noone else knows your child like you do. You can do it. PS As for your husband, he may never change.

You should definitely talk to your husband about this. He probably does not notice (or as you said, "does not see her rudeness") because he grew up with her. If she was like this to him growing up, he probably does not notice that she is treating you this way. He needs to know how you feel, so that you have an ally in this.

Also, try to remember that you MIL feels that she has been hurt and now is trying to defend herself. She may feel like your son now takes priority over her, which he does (and should) to you of course, but she may be jealous. If you reach out to her in a way to make her feel important and special, needed and wanted, she may come around. Take her out to lunch, just the two of you, and let her know that having a relationship with her is important to you. Also, does she ever get to spend time alone with her grandson? Maybe she feels she has not been able to develop a bond with him, and therefore feels defensive when he is around. Best of luck, and remember...kindness always wins.

C.: Sorry for all you are going through. You have to see your mil's point of view too. She has raised your husband and probably does know about how much she can feed him on the spoon. You may want to allow her time to bond with your child without criticizing her. I know it is hard when someone is rude, but you have to see how hurtful it is to her. She may not understand or believe the Dr. actually told you to tell her to take a shower before she holds him. I would realize that things probably won't change. You can't change him or her, so you may need to learn what you can to get along. I'd pray for your husband to stand up for you more. I would also explain (when you are calm) that his not standing up for you is hurtful, and ask him to listen to the things she says and does that are hurtful.

I know my mom's generation often felt like the Dr. doesn't know everything it's their child they will raise them how they think is best. I know it is really hard, but try hard not to personalize things. I know this is a big issue for me. I often take things way to personal. Often, parents say things trying to help and have no idea how rude they are being. I'd try to look it like she is trying to help as much as possible.

My prayers are with you. Take care C.,
K.

Hi there C.

I know what you mean, a lot of people have issues with their in-laws. I have found it is mainly because of the different ways two individuals are brought up (ie husband and wife).

My only recommendation is to pick carefully places that your family can go with your MIL (mother-in-law) for example parks with playgrounds or cafes/restaurants with playgrounds.

You can be interacting with her, but of course on mummy duty, that way everyone is happy and she gets to spend time with her grandchild.

Also, when she starts making comments towards her, ask her how she would have done it. Most importantly, have a wide enough social network yourself that she doesn't upset you as much when you interact with her (ie visit after a day spa day with girlfriends).

My latest strategy is to have chocolate before spending time with MIL (chocolate has a natural high, so you're feeling quite good beforehand!).

I'm sorry to hear that your husband doesn't stand up for you. Maybe if he has sisters you can talk about the best way to approach things (tread carefully!)

Hope it helps

J.

Involve your husband and let him know how you feel. I have such a horrible time with my inlaws that my husband has no connection with them at all now. We had a falling out about 5 years ago, and since, they were always trying to put us against each other, and finally my husband stood up and said enough, either you have us all as a family or not at all. They chose not at all. It has been hard for him but he has stood up. You need to tell your husband so he will do whats right. When you got married, you came before him Mom and you need to make sure that he knows that.

I also have a rude mother-in-law so I know exactly how you feel. Your story is almost mine. What it comes down to is that you need to tell your husband that he either needs to defend you and your parenting decisions, or that you're going to have to. Tell him that you don't want to have to confront her, but if he won't you will and that that if you do, it will be worse. He needs to handle his own mother, but if he won't do it, you should. When she makes a rude comment, start defending yourself. You don't have to be rude about it, just be matter of fact. Just remember that your son needs to come first and that it is your job to protect him...even from his grandma if she doesn't care about his well being! Hang in there! Defend yourself tactfully!

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. This sounds very familiar. The dynamics changed with my MIL when we had our first child as well. We tried talking to her openly about some problems but she didn’t get it….and she probably never will. But, I’m not married to my MIL so instead of dwelling on a relationship that only I was trying to improve, I decided to work on strengthening my relationship with my husband. The best thing my husband and I have ever done for our marriage is counseling! I tried to tell my husband how I felt about his mom and how she added a bit of frustration to our lives. But he never really understood my point of view until a third – neutral – party was able to explain my feelings to him in way that made him see my struggles thru my eyes. Having a trained mediator present during our most candid & vulnerable conversations helped us learn to speak openly with clarity and listen with understanding ears. If you’re a God fearing family, Christ’s Word says there is an order: God, spouse, children. We went to a Christian-based counselor who gently reminded us that though we both love our parents, WE are the ones that are raising our children. Mama and Daddy need to be a team on all decisions that affect children.

PS – if you don’t have any particular spiritual beliefs….I still recommend counseling! Best thing we’ve ever done! =)

Good Luck!

You cannot change either of them. Take her remarks for what they are. You don't have to take them seriously. My husband made clear to me before we got married that I was never to come in between him and his family. They have a very strong bond and if put in a position to choose, he would choose them. I took that very seriously and have respected that relationship throughout our life together. There are moments that I have to bite my tongue and there were moments that I have had to go onto another room while I snapped. The good news is that when my husband has not been put in a position to choose, he naturally sided with me when his family was wrong about something. It is hard, but if you choose your battles and look for the good parts it might make things easier. God bless you and your family.

C.,
I'm sorry for your struggle.
First and foremost, you need to discuss your feeling and concerns with your husband. He can't stand up for you if he has no idea what you're feeling! Men are definitely not mind readers, so if you're frustrated/upset whatever, he needs to know why. Tell him (in the most non-confrontational way possible) about your concerns. Then, at least he'll know. Then it will be up to him what he does with this information. Maybe you can both sit down with your mother-in-law and have a much needed conversation with her. Because it sounds like there needs to be one - seems to me there's a LOT of bottled up "stuff" there that needs to be resolved.
Good luck!

I'm sorry that you are going thru hell with your mother in-law, she should have understood that it was just for the baby protection and shouldn't have taken it so personal or thought that is was ridiculous, because if anything happend then she would have felt bad... as far as your husband goes, he needs to be a man and take action for what his mother is saying to you, you need to tell him that if he doesn't say anything to her about her words, then you will tell her, and that you just want to make everything simple and have him talk to her but if he isn't going to step up well then you will, and somtimes it is better to tell her your self that she will know that she can't walk all over you or treat you the way she does.

Dear C.,

This is a classic case of hurt feelings and the bitter snowball affect it causes. You said everything was fine before the shower request. It was very belittling for her to be told that. I don't smoke and I hate smoking! However as you grow and mature you look back on ways you handled things and can see for yourself how maybe you could've done things differently. Your in good company... everyone has enough to fill a small book. We get second opinions for almost everything in our lives. From our friends, doctors and even spend time researching our facts through google! I think if you would have been just as concerned about the destruction this showering request could cause between so many people... you may have looked into a second opinion. Another way to look at it is... how would you feel toward your sister-in-law if she told you or your mother that they had to shower before holding their baby? The wound from hurt feelings sometimes never heals and unfortunatly only festers with bitterness and feelings of rejection if not address in a timely manner. Also, in response to your husband... I don't believe he was 100% behind the idea of telling his mom to shower before holding the baby. We as wives can be very persuasive! Clearly he feels caught in the middle of two women and "their" battle. He is only reacting in frustration. He does not want to be bad talking or being angry with his mother. In hind sight (if not yet, you will later) wish you would have chosen a different path than you did. Your MIL raised a wonderful son (that you married) and loves her grandchild dearly. I can't say it loud enough, make an extremely mature decision to appologize and rebuild that bridge. You will NEVER be sorry you did! When your husband sees that you're heart has changed and your willingness to heal past wounds... He will hold you in high esteem and begin to stand up for you. Men do not want to fight with the women in their lives... they want to protect them. Give it some time and you will see a change if you will only take the first steps.

Your MIL is going to be around for a long time - presumably, so first off you don't want to create any rifts that can't be repaired. A friend of mine had a preemie who is now a little over a year old, so I can appreciate, to some degree, what you have gone through. You are absolutely responsible for your child's health and welfare, but don't ever believe you have all the answers. Your MIL has raised at least one child obviously and most likely has a lot of valuable information you can use. Listen to all of it and use whatever you and your husband are comfortable with but try not to hover over her while she is with the baby. They need time to develop a relationship. Kids need to be surrounded by people that love and care about them and as long as your MIL isn't directly contradicting you, leave it alone. Try to step back and look at which of you is being overly sensitive. It may be both of you. Talk to your husband when you are both rested and up for it. Let him know how you feel and listen to and consider his position on the whole thing also.

It's too bad that the doctor had those stipulations that messed up her seeing the baby, but I understand that it would have been harmful to the baby. I kind of understand what your husband is feeling. He wants to be kind to his mother - I mean she raised him and loves him and wants to be part of his life - but he knows he should stand up for you, too. He doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so he doesn't say anything - which hurts people's feelings, anyway, so he should take a stand. But maybe you should try not to tell her to do small things like feeding your baby smaller bites. Just sit close and watch for gagging from your son - and THEN suggest smaller bites. Cut her a little slack and take a stand on major issues and ask your husband to do the same. A wife is more important than a mother!

HI there,
I am very sorry to hear that this has become such an issue with your mother in-law... I think that her feelings are hurt and she is just trying to make you feel the way she does by making such remarks to you. My adivse is to communicate... It is so important especially when children are invovled. I think you should give it a good effort to talk to her about what ever the issues are between you. What ever you do, do not let it mess up your marriage. Love is stronger then this and your new family is worth more then this.
Your husband is in a tuff spot. Just think about your baby as a young man and how you would like him to be with you if his wife had an issue with you... It is very hard for him as he can not chose nor should he have to... He loves you both and in such different ways. His mother also protected him as you do your baby and this created passion with him and his mother.... Good luck I hope this helped.
Kat

C.,

So sorry to hear this.

Your mom in law probably is hurt but the bottom line is - you and your husband are raising your son and are responsible for his health, safety and general upbringing. As the parents you have the final say - PERIOD.

This is something you and your husband really need to talk about in private. Let him know what's going on and how it puts you in an uncomfortable position. Though you probably will have to make comments from time to time when he's not around, you don't want to have to be the one constantly holding the line with his mother. It makes you the bad guy.

Make sure he knows you love and respect him and his mom but that he is now your husband and your son's father. He needs to be the one to address these issues with his mom when they come up and that he needs to stand up for you IN FRONT OF YOU! If you don't address this now, this is one of the things that seems little (but isn't) that will break a marriage. Find a way to say it that won't put him on the defensive.

Don't allow her to hurt you. Take your place as the matriarch of your own family. We women have to use wisdom and strength to protect our children and husbands. Have courage and fight for your little family!

M.