Problem with Mother in Law and Sister in Law

Bradshaw has a fantastic book that would help you guys called The Family. It helps you better understand family like that and how to deal.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1558744274/sr=8-1/qid=11...

It's a must read for anyone with family challenges!

Dear M.

Oh boy! you have a whopper of a problem there. I had a simmilar problem when my brother married a very insecure woman. Granted it was not as bad, but is was hurtful to hear some of the things my future sister-in-law was saying about me to my own mother. I finally put my foot down with my mom and said I did not want to hear anything she had to say about me and my husband. It was sort of the "if you can't think of anything nice to say don't say anything at all." posistion I took. I actually hung up the phone on mom to make my point. It my not sound extreme, but for me to do anything disrespectful to her was a shock.

I hate to say it but you are going to have to be the bigger person in this situation if you still want to have contact with your In-Laws. Either you and your husband just continue to take the high road and refuse to be baited into no win arguments or cut off contact with the family for a while. It may take something drastic to get them to understand how hurt you all are by thier behavior.

As to the presents, your son will take his ques from you. Let him know that with all gifts that is is the thought that counts. Not all family members will be able to spend the set amount for presents every year. Simple presents can be lovely and enjoyed by a child.

If you continue to be gracious and ignore all the snide remarks eventually they will give up. It sounds like they thrive on the reaction they get from you. Making you feel bad is a way of building themselves up. The best thing you can do is take care of your family and stay out of the nastyness as much as possible.

Good Luck,

J.

I would say it is time for some "tough love"! Even though they are family, or perhaps because they are family, it is way past time to cut the communication completely. Obviously, you can do no right, no matter how you handle the situation. There is no reason you, your husband, and especially your child should put up with this sort of treatment. Because these two hateful women find the need to discredit you and judge your every move, they are obviously lacking in mental capacity of some kind, and have no confidence. Believe in yourselves as parents, and in your child. Do not subject yourself to their petty torture. Just cut off all communication, politely decline any involvement. You have everything to gain (sanity, happiness) by this, and nothing of consequence to lose.
So sorry you have to deal with something so ridiculous from so called ADULTS in your family!!
Good Luck to you!

Hi M.,

My goodness, I almost cried as I read your story. I have had very similar situations. First of all, I offer my sympathy for your miscarriage. I miscarried my second pregnancy, too, and I must say that I got the most support from my own parents and my husband...the in-laws wanted to "sweep-it-under-the-rug." It IS a real loss, and it is good to mourn. But, only with people who acknowledge your loss.

I have "issues" with my in-laws that are too numerous to mention. I've found that the only thing that works for me is to avoid them at all costs. They live only 4 hours away, but when my husband goes to visit, I stay home. He takes the kids, that is fine. But, I cannot handle them. My husband is somewhat bothered by this, but I lost my mom to breastcancer less than one year ago, and I've told him that I have a hard time being around people right now. He has given me grace so far. Soon, I'll tell him the truth. But for now, my sanity requires a separation. I cannot afford to be hurt again, which always happens when I'm near them.

Best of luck. This isn't easy, but do what you have to do for yourself, your marriage, and most importantly, your son. It sounds like you are a great person and loving mother. Hang in there!!!
S.

Boy do you have a tough problem. This kind of problem requires a solid plan and real commitment on your part to carry out, no matter how much your mother-in-law and sister-in-law pull your trigger. I know a very good method you can try. It is based on these ideas: (1) when you change your role in perpetuating someone else's bad behavior, they will change their behavior in response - eventually, and (2) each time they do or say something you don't like, you MUST CUT OFF YOUR ATTENTION WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY. Each time they behave acceptably, you must give positive attention. Eventually the person will give you more of the acceptable behaviors.

The thing you must remember, though, is the word "eventually." People who THRIVE on a bad behavior do not give it up easily. They have figured out how to trip your trigger, and if your trigger isn't tripping, they will redouble their efforts to trip it. That means you MUST STICK TO YOUR GUNS no matter how much your mother-in-law and sister-in-law escalate their nasty behavior - no matter how much their behavior stings. CRITICISM is OUT. IGNORING is IN. Eventually, when they begin to believe that their behavior will no longer provoke your negative response, they will begin to adjust their behavior.

The other unfortunate thing is that it sounds like the mother and daughter are a "team" and they will keep each other worked up - making it that much harder to effect a change. Ok, let's talk briefly about what it means to cut off behavior without letting your mother-in-law or sister-in-law know why.

The theory behind this method is that all people need and like attention. Some people discover early (and subconsciously) that they actually get MORE attention when they stir up controversy than they do when they just act like normal, nice people. They come to thrive on negative attention. Your task is to make sure there is NO negative attention from you - in fact no attention OF ANY KIND when they say or do hurtful things. Your task is to (1) HIDE YOUR FEELINGS about their behavior so they don't get a buzz from stirring you up, and (2) to DEPRIVE them of company or conversation by immediately cutting off the conversation.

Since they live so far away, I am betting that most of this happens by phone. When a conversation takes a bad turn, you would simply say, "Mom (or Sis), there's someone at the door," and end the phone call abruptly. DO NOT tell her why - or she is being rewarded by knowing she upset you. EACH TIME they pull this stuff, whether it's something said - like comparing the two children - or something done - like birthday present - GIVE NO CLUE about your feelings. Just end the conversation quickly. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for keeping your mouth shut - it takes courage not to respond.

On the other hand, be sure to reward conversation that is appropriate. This is harder than you might guess because we don't normally reward people for being "normal" to each other. But your mother-in-law and sister-in-law need to learn to associate positive feelings with normal interaction. So, when one of them calls and the conversation is appropriate, REWARD them by saying, "Talking to you has made my day - I'm so glad you called." In the beginning there may be very few things to compliment, so jump on any opportunity. Interrupt a perfectly normal conversation about the tomatoes in her garden with, "You know, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy discussing gardening with you. You really knows your stuff." You may have to stretch for compliments, but people who are starved for attention will gobble it up anyway. The point is to find things that you CAN and DO enjoy about these people and let them know, while STEADFASTLY IGNORING EVERYTHING that you hate about them.

If they are visiting and it is impossible to simply hang up on them, you need a slightly different set of tactics. One way is to excuse yourself to the bathroom or the waiting laundry or an errand immediately when the bashing begins. If that is impractical, like at the dinner table, the other tactic is "distraction," just like a child. You turn their attention to something else without acknowledging the thing they are saying at all. For example, your mother-in-law is at your breakfast table and begins insinuating that your son's good behavior has nothing at all to do with your skills as a parent. DON'T EVEN WINCE as you say, "have I told you about my neighbor down the street who makes all her own shoes?" or some such other non-related subject. (You might want to come up with some ideas for switching topics before she even arrives, so you'll be ready. You remember the boy scout motto - "Be prepared!" If, after repeatedly ignoring her, she says something like, "You aren't hearing what I'm telling you about Johnny," just VERY CALMLY AND WITH A SMILE IN YOUR VOICE say something like, "I heard you, but I'd like to talk about the woman down the block who makes her own shoes," and keep describing the shoes. If she keeps making a point of it (trying to trip your trigger), in the same calm way, excuse yourself for a moment to the bathroom or whatever without asking why she won't let up about Johnny or even showing a negative facial expression. Do not give that line of discussion an audience!

Your husband must buy into this plan too. It must be a united front. Remember, the sister-in-law and mother-in-law will continue to feed off each other when you're not around, so that will make it take longer, but eventually, if mom wants any attention from your family she will have to change her behavior, at least toward you.

Think about this before you start. It could get very difficult. Your mother-in-law may escalate by saying things directly to your son, as a backlash when she cannot rile you or your husband up any longer. Be prepared. How will you react? Your plan must still be to give her no response. Distract her or your son or both if they are present and it is hurtful. If it is happening while she is talking to him on the phone, just take the phone away from him and inform her that he's dropped the phone and moved on to another game. STAY WITH THE GAME PLAN.

A therapist once told me that it takes an adult TWO FULL YEARS to accept that your change in behavior will last, and to begin to adjust their own behavior accordingly. Consequently, you have to be prepared to stick to your guns - KEEP THOSE FEELINGS TO YOURSELF - possibly for two years! But look at it this way - if you don't try this, where will you be in two years? Right where you are now, only worse! I think many people would advise you to break off the toxic relationship, and if it weren't family, I'd agree. But breaking with family will ultimately be hurtful to your husband and will deprive your son of grandparents and cousins. If this method doesn't work, that may be your only choice, but I'd give this a shot first. Takes courage and resolve, but it can work wonders.

You can read more about this method by Googling it. I didn't make it up. It's a well-known psychologist's method. It is mostly used with really troublesome children, but it works with adults equally well - just slower because their behaviors have been in place much longer.

Here is a link to one of my favorite articles about this method: http://lettrist.blogspot.com/2006/07/what-shamu-taught-me...

Here is another pretty good web site on this method that I Googled up at random with the words, "rewarding negative behavior": http://www.mayyoubehappy.com/45posrew.html

GOOD LUCK TO YOU, M..

I really wish I had some good advice for you. My own sister is pretty much the exact same way.(I.e. always negative with her comments etc, misbehaved older child while mine are quite scheduled and as subdued as children can be, constant comparisons/competition etc.) I was just talking to my mother about it tonight! She seems to think my sister is just jealous of my life and being negative because of it. It really wears us down sometimes though. Unlike you, I haven't confronted her much because even if I do about the littlest thing, she's 100% on the defense. We just try to continue to take the high road and not let her get to us. As far as your gifts are concerned, just remind yourself that the gift is for your niece, not her. When she sends your son "crap" just give it away and don't bring up anything about it to him. It will be years before he really knows who gives him what and maybe by that time things will be better. Like I said, not much advice but at least I know I'm not alone. I'd be happy to just listen if that would help you as I know I usually feel better after just talking about it. Good luck and don't let them get you down!

J.

Wow, I've been reading the other "bits" of advice to your problem and you have a lot of great ideas to choose from. I understand the issues your facing, as many others do, and will try to keep it brief. 1. "Bob and Weave" Avoid contact...screen calls, call at times when you know that they will be away or short on time and then if you do talk to them make it short and sweet, cutting off/changing subject/quick "gotta-go" if they start their spew of poison. 2. Keep your husband out of the middle and as close to "your side" as possible. No matter how horrible these people are, they are still his family and will always feel SOME loyalty. This one is hard to swallow, but don't let them turn him--which they will try. 3. Gifts...Again, same issue here. I have resolved this by setting a $$ value and then I shop for my sons gift and they shop for their sons gift. We attach a tag from each other and TADA..a gift I know my son will like and that I approve of and no hassle of inappropriate gifts(hamsters, scary movies, etc.) You can present this also as a positive by saying "we'll save on shipping."

Keep the faith

That is a terrible situation. Protection of your family is the priority and at least you live far away from his parents and sister. It seems as though you've really tried to take steps to communicate your feelings. If you are feeling that you and your family are not being respected, than you can make the choice to detach and interact as little as possible. The bare minimum. Life it just too darn short and you can surround yourself with whomever you choose. As far as the gift exchange, your idea is great. Detachment is the key. There are books written on detachment that I've found helpful in the past. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.
L.

Hi there. I read your description - it sounds so familiar to my situation. What I have learned is that its just better to ignore people like that because if you let it get to you then you give them power over you and your family. Ignore the phone calls, don't participate in gift exchanges and don't try to explain yourself or apologize to them - just ignore them. This will prove to them that their actions have no affect on you and they will eventually stop. Make sure to be consistent -they need to start respecting you and your relationship. Luckily you have that 1200 mi buffer, use it to your advantage. Remember this is your husband's mom & sister, they are family and you want to preserve your marriage and not let them get in the way. I would take all your energy and focus it on your marriage and your family. Good luck.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them know, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!" I totally understand where you are coming from and think I understand a little of what you are going through. I am fortunate in that the majoritiy of my in-laws don't speak English, including my mother-in -law and if they don't like me, I'm none the wiser. But I have 2 sister-in-laws. One seems to compare everything and be very competitive. The other one is just plain jealous.

My husband and I have decided to tell them as little as possible about our lives and situation. It's hard because you we to share the good times with his family and support each other through the bad. But with my in-laws, they turn up their noses at our successes and gloat at our failures. So, we let them beleive that we have less money than we do. They think I make about $50,000 less than I make and that my house is $25,000 less than it is. That's fine with us because they feel superior and we know how small they really are.

The rest of the plan is to decide to ignore comments or confront them. But if you do confront them, do it when you are not angry or in the moment. Wait for a quiet, private time and tell them how you feel. Write it/prepare your speech ahead of time and use phases like "when you say this, I feel..." Don't accuse, just let them know how you feel hurt, betrayed, sad, angry or even confused. Then ask for "help". People like that really seem to respond when they think that you need their help. "Help me understand how I can make our relationship better.." etc.

Also, we need to share our good times and that is where MY family comes in. They are the best cheerleaders I know. It makes my husband laugh at how excited and happy my family gets when we have good news. I hope this is helpful. You can email me ____@____.com if you want.

Hi M.,

I feel for you and all the others who have responded. You need to do what you feel is best for your son - period. From my own experience, the best advice I have is KMS - Keep Mouth Shut. When the comments start, if I say nothing, then it's over a lot faster and on to another topic.

Also, I let my husband have all the contact with his mother. He calls and talks - caller id is wonderful - the caller doesn't know if you are busy or just not answering. The book "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend was a tremendous help to me, also. I realized I do not need my mother in law's (or my own mother's) approval.

Best wishes,
C.

Wow. I really feel for you. Probably the best thing I can think to do is to tell them that if this is the way they as adults want to behave then they can do so privately that they won't be welcome in your family that way. This may sound a little harsh, but maybe they need to be left out for a while to realize what they are really missing. Besides, why be around or even associate with people, let alone family, that do nothing but make you miserable? My step-daughter's mom is terrible. Doesn't have anything to do with her until it gets to be her weekend and that has even been put to a stop recently due to her inability to stay off drugs. My 6 year old still doesn't realize what's going on but if that is the way she wants to treat her, then she would be better off without her. I only say this to say that we are going through a slightly similar situation in that we are having to cut off "family" for the best of our child. It is hard but you have to do what is best for your family. Good luck!! :) S.

I wish I can say it's an easy problem to fix, but it isn't. I had the same problem with my mother and sister-in-law. Me and my husband got married in 1996, so this will be our 10 year anniversary. My mother-in-law was so controlling it was insane! She had three children, two sons and one daughter. She controlled their finances until my husband left for college, when he decided to take over his own. She got very angry with him for that! Her other two children continued to let her handle their finances, and even continued to do so after they had relationships and got married!

She hated every religion but her own. Even though my religion fell under the same umbrella as hers (being Protestant), she still downgraded my religion in front of members of our church. She said some crazy thing about how she hated our religion because a Pastor didn't baptize a dying child, like 150 years ago (which is nonsense), to members of my church WHILE SHE WAS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WITH THEM!

One of the biggest no-no's of being a mom is pitting your children against each other, and that's what this "mother" did. If she was mad at one child (which was usually my husband), she would "fuel the fire" between her kids and cause a rift. My husband made the mistake of purchasing his first house with his brother when they both graduated from college. He figured when one of them got married it wouldn't be a problem, because they could simply sell the house and split the equity. Well, thanks to his mother, it wasn't that easy at all! Since she wasn't happy with us that we didn't let her plan our wedding (that my parents were paying for), she didn't want us to get out of the house that he owned with his brother. Personally, I think it's because she wanted to keep tabs on us.

We agreed to live with my husband's brother for a short while, but told him we wanted to have a plan in place asap so we could begin our married lives. We asked him if he wanted us to buy him out, he buy us out, or we sell and split the profits 50/50. After his brother hee-hawed several times, over several months, he finally decided he wanted to buy us out. So, we went to find our own house and placed $10,000 dollars into a house we wanted to build. We told my husband's brother about it beforehand, and he said he would get the paperwork going asap on refinancing the current home to get my husband's name off. But, he never ended up doing it! Three weeks went by, and his brother didn't even obtain the paperwork yet! We went to the bank to obtain the two page paperwork for him, brought it home to him, so all he had to do was fill it out (and we would turn it back in for him). Two weeks went by and he STILL DIDN'T fill out the paperwork! After we begged him to fill out the paperwork already, he got mad at us, drove directly over to their mother's house, talked to her about it, and she told him NOT to refinance the home because we were "rushing" him! How can you rush a turtle?! They all knew we could lose $10,000 dollars, and they didn't care! All I can tell you is we fought tooth and nail to get that situation finalized, and we didn't speak to them for close to two years!

Even a simple thing, such as sending out Christmas cards became problematic. As I'm sure many women posting on this site will agree...usually women send out Christmas cards to relatives, not our husbands (although I'm sure some husbands do). Normally women sign for both people too. Well, my husband's mom got insulted by this, called our home, and told us how mean we were that we didn't sign our names separately, and then hung up the phone on us. EVEN THOUGH this woman signed everything she sent out (including cards) with BOTH hers and her husband's names herself! (I never said logic was involved.)

My mother-in-law even got mad at me because I wanted to get married at my own church and not hers. My husband didn't even want to get married at his church! Normally, women get to choose where they want to get married (as long as their fiancee doesn't have a problem with it). Yet, when it came time for her daughter to get married, several people gave her suggestions on where to get married, and she said that she gets to choose what church she gets married in, and that she wanted to get married in the church she grew up with. Okay, so why wasn't I afforded that same right?

Then our children came along. By the way, my husband was the only one of her children to have grandchildren! His brother and sister were too selfish to do so. We offered to let my husband's parents spend time with, and take care of our children for a few hours every Saturday. They declined several Saturday's because of things they wanted to do. They didn't want to come to our house and visit (because the mom hated us), so what other alternatives did they have? The mother told people that she never gets to see our children because we don't let her.

You know...I could have been one of those women who doesn't let the grandparents see their grandchildren because I despise my mother-in-law, but I didn't. I went out of my way to let them see their grandchildren, including bringing our kids by in their costumes on Halloween, etc... We even invited my husband's parents, his brother and sister and their spouses over for Christmas dinner, and NONE of them would RSVP. Even after they knew we bought a large, very expensive roast to cook.

My husband's brother and sister use the excuse that they don't want to get close to our children because they don't want to be hurt by us pulling them away. WHAT?! We have never even tried to do such a thing and wouldn't! We are the ONLY people who have even tried getting them together!

Me and my husband went to see a counselor for a few sessions, and the counselor felt my mother-in-law was literally psychotic. I couldn't agree with him more!

My husband's mom died in 2002 at the age of 69. Before she died, my husband spoke to her off and on and they got along when they spoke. I tried my best to get along with her by simple pleasantries when we were around with our kids, but I knew she spoke terribly about me behind my back. I heard from my mother-in-law's sister at the funeral home that my mother-in-law didn't acknowledge me as the mother of her grandchildren. Nice, huh?! I feel bad for my husband's mom that she couldn't bring herself to be a nice, normal person, and have a nice, normal relationship with her family...but there is nothing I can do about it. I tried my best, and I gave enough. Unfortunately, she lost out on several precious years with her family.

The moral to this story? Sometimes you are better off, and happier keeping difficult inlaws out of your lives. Life is too short, and if they want to be problematic and sit in their own pot and stew...then let them, but you don't have to put up with it!

The lesson this mess has hopefully taught me is that I really, really, really want to get along with my sons and one day daughter-in-laws! That doesn't mean that I have to be walked-on, or give in to absolutely everything because I want to be their best friend, but I sure as heck can try my best to be a nice, normal person, with nice, normal expectations.

Lets pray for us all!

God bless!

Dear M..
First let me tell you that you are not alone. There is hope at the end of this. Smile. Now, I have had very similar difficulties and frustrations with my ex mother in law and ex father in law. Yikes!! Just remember you are in control. I know when I was going through it I limited the exposure we had with them. Phone calls, visits, presents, everything. You are in control of this situation. It is up to you and your husband how much or how little you let these people impact your life. On another note, I am truley sorry for your loss of your baby. I lost a child too.

It is unfortunate that people can not act normal or human at times. Bottom line is, well this is how I look at things, Life is too Precious to waste on stupidity. You and your husband cherish your family and dont worry about the small stuff and the drama. You are in control, dont let this control you!!
Best wishes and luck.

It sounds like you have some distance between yourself and your in-laws (1200 miles), I would just advoid talking on the phone for a while. When you do speak with them and they are being hateful, I would just say I have to go and leave it at that. You don't have to battle with them, just say you have other things to do. They must be getting something from upsetting you, so don't let them. Not everyone can have a front row seat in your life. Keep them at arms length. If your husband is upset with them let him go head to head with them...they are his parents and sister. As far as x-mas gift exchange, I would just say something like I know you just had a baby, please don't worry about getting my son anything this year. If you still want to get your niece something that is great. It is a great lesson to teach your son too. You can give without having to get something back. Good Luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I have a sister-in-law who is very difficult... she blows innocent comments people say out of proportion, takes tardiness as an act of contriction against her, and speaks very hatefully about many people, particularily my mother. My brother and his wife have a daughter the same age as our daughter and a son. I would love for them to be close; but unfortunately, I have found that the only way to avoid drama with them is to avoid them.
My husband, daughter, and I actually lived with them for about 4 months (which is always stressful), and I got an inside look at how my sister-in-law thinks. I think she is depressed but unwilling to admit it. She doesn't just target my mom, but anyone... cashiers at the store, apartment managers, neighbors. Everyone is either rude or out to get her. I think that's the way people like her are. I have made it as clear as I can to my sister-in-law that everyone is flawed, no one is perfect and have stood up for my mother on numerous occasions. She broaches the subject of cricizing my mom, but I make no comment and we move on on the rare occasion we have conversations.
It's obvious to me and other members of our family that she doesn't want my brother's side of the family involved in their life (but boy do we get criticized for it at the same time%&!!)... Their children are given seperate birthday parties, on for her family and one for my brother's family. They claim that her parents are antisocial, but the truth is she talks so hatefully about us that her parents don't care to see us anymore. We all live in the same metropolitan area.
I miss my brother very much. I wish our kids could be close... we were close growing up. But all I can do is let go. For some reason, his wife hates herself. And this is how she makes herself feel better. She turns her hate outwards.
I know you are hurting from this. But,I would think at 2, your son doesn't have a whole lot of contact with that side of the family since they live so far away. He probably doesn't need to know about his aunt and grandmothers' attitude. If you think his emotional welfare is an issue, limit his exposure to them. Don't influence him to make value judgements about their behavior. Since your SIL sends recycled or cheap gifts, forget about setting an agreed upon limit and send what makes you happy. Don't influence your son to be dissappointed... I have an aunt that I love very much that always did the same thing in the gift giving area. I wasn't offended... I just know now that she's cheap. I wouldn't expect any kind behaviour out of them, myself. They are obviously self-loathing people who feel better when they belittle others. There is obviously nothing you can say or do to make them change their attitudes and harsh remarks. They are what they are. You only have control over you and how you resond to them. It could be a good lesson for your son throughout life, as well... that there are people out there that are just mean, even those who are supposed to love you; but you have to be civil and take them in stride.
It took me a long time to let go of my problem with my sister-in-law and brother... My parents and them still have an awful back and forth, but I just stay out of it. I know it's hard, because you want to feel like you have the moral high ground and you fall into the trap of gossipping and criticizing them for their behaviour, but really it's no better than what they are doing. Not to say you haven't been wronged... but it can become a vicious cycle. It ate away at me until I finally let go. Just before I did, there was a big fiasco where I supposedly purposelly wronged my SIL and she wrote me an awful email. I cried. I was so angry and frustrated. I decided to confront her on the phone, rather than email... I told her that it really hurt my feelings that she would think that I would do anything to harm her or disrespect her, it was never my intention to do so. I didn't vent any anger... I left it raw and emotional. Besides the lack of contact, I think that was one of the best things I could have done. I didn't simmer it, I let myself be vulnerable and let her own the hurt she tried to pass to me.
She may always be angry, and there may be more incidents in the future, but I'm going to call her on them, at least the big ones (not the little ones where she purposely gives my daughter gifts that she knows will annoy me, or she wears a shirt that she thinks will offend me... who cares about the little stuff? only she does, she actually does. when I was living with her she would think up little side ways things she could do to people to drop a hint at what she considered where their flaws). When my parents talk about their problems with them, I listen, I feel for them; but I don't comment.
I read something along these lines somewhere:
We have to forgive others for the roles they play in our lives.
And for what it's worth:
We all walk the earth with a broken heart.
I hope you find peace with this.

I think probably every woman can relate to problems with the mother in law, to some extent. The bottom line is, life is too short to tolerate any people that don't add to your life (or are 'toxic' as you said). The fact that you live so far away from them should be to your advantage. Here's what I've done with my MIL in the past (who is also slightly judgemental, nosy, but also lives 200 miles away):

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You don't have to be hateful when she says rude things, but you don't have to engage her either. Get caller ID. Don't answer the phone if you don't want to speak to her. Don't give her an ear to rattle off too, and if you can't avoid it, change the subject, or just plain get up and leave the room (like at holidays).

Like it or not, she is your husband's mom, and HE needs to be the one to set limits with her and his father. If all else fails, don't be afraid to politely, but FIRMLY set her straight. If she sees that you won't tolerate her rude comments, most likely she'll back off.

As far as your sister in law goes, tell her that your son has entirely too many toys, and that you'd no longer like to exchange gifts in that way. This Christmas, send them a project your son has made, like a christmas ornament or picture frame. Continue this for a couple years, and they'll probably get the hint and stop the gifts all together. That's what I did with mine.

Remember, this is YOUR family, and you and your husband needn't be so stressed by people that live so far away. If they don't add to your life, then put them out of your mind. Try to keep in mind that you aren't going to be able to change people, so all you can control is how you respond to their comments and criticism.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry that you have this to deal with. My mom always said, "You can pick your friend, but you can't pick your family." You are never going to be able to change them, but you can change the way you react to them. Your child will pick up on the vibe that you set for the situation. Your influence will be so much more important to him than anything that they can throw your way. Teach him to be a gracious gift receiver and that we are all different. I have negative family members also...and I don't always take my own advise...but I sure handle the situation better when I do. Good Luck!
N.

I grew up with an aunt like this! How sad these people are. Imagine what it was like for your husband to grow up with them.

Suggestions:
1. Call Dr. Phil.
2. Ignore it. This type of person feeds off of making you uncomfortable. Some people are so miserable that they have to try to make others feel bad in order to feel better. When they say ugly things, hold your tongue. Do not feed it. Remain neutral in your physical demeanor. Do not react in any way. There is nothing you can do to change the behavior of other adults, especially ones that live 1200 miles away. You can only change the way you react. Don't stoop to their level. You say you have tried to ignore their comments and yet their behavior has not changed. You can't shape another adult's behavior like you can your child's. Don't let it bother you that they will probably never except you with open arms.
3. You could tell them what you don't like about what they are doing. But do you think they will but they will take a good look at them selves and say, "You know you are right. I am a pain in the butt. I think I'll change now. I am so sorry."? Probably not. They will vilify you more because they do not think they are doing anything wrong. And they will talk to each other about you and it will grow more.
4. Avoid them.

Christmas:
Give what you want. Send it when you want. Except what you get graciously as you would any other gift. Everyone has received bad gifts. But it is a gift. A sentiment. When your son is old enough to figure out that he is getting a bad deal, it will be the perfect opportunity to teach him about excepting gifts graciously, regardless of whether or not he likes them.

It is good thing they are 1200 miles away!

I had a lot of problems with my mother in law and brother in law early on. They thought that since my husband was no longer taking orders for dear old mom, that I must have been controlling him. This was not the case. My husband and I make all of our decisions together. They said a lot of hurtful things to me, some in front of our son. It got to the point that I didn't go anywhere where they were for almost a year. I limited contact with the grandbaby too. It got my point across that I wouldn't be treated badly. If my hubby wanted to spend time with his family, he went alone. Now I spend more time with his family, but I always steer clear of any potential issues. When they start to come up, I just pretend to be completely clueless. If your MIL can't be nice when they come to visit, simply request that they stay at a hotel. I know it's not exactly hospitable, but it is for the greater good of your family.

I have never had an issue with my son being compared to the other grandbabies, but I'm sure it would infuriate me. As one of the other moms said, you are in control. Your in-laws aren't there to see your parenting, and of course your MIL is going to be partial to her daughter. As to the gifts, I also think you could stop exchanging, or ask that she donate to charity for your son and you'll do the same for her daughter.

Above all, do not let them know they are getting under your skin. Good luck. I hope it gets better for you!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I sympathize with you, my in-laws are difficult as well.

Regarding the gift problem, I would suggest that maybe to avoid your son getting his feelings hurt that you just buy a gift for him from the aunt at least for now. When he is a bit older you can explain the Aunt So-and-So situation to him in whatever manner you see fit but at his age irresponsibility is a big concept (apparently the same could be said for the Aunt *UGH*). As for their hurtful comments, all you can do is consider the source. Ignorant people will say ignorant things. They obviously haven't the slightest hint of manners or social skills, so expecting anything other from them will only mean frustration for you.
Anyway, I do hope you find a solution that works for you and your family. Best wishes and lots of luck to you!

Read the book " When mean relatives happen to good people"

hi,

i can understand ur problem as i have a similar situation. If ur husband is ready to break with them, it wold be the best solution. Otherwise, consider ur gifts as donation and treat the ones u get as the ones u can give for maids/ orphans. Remember, cannot change anyone's nature or mentality. Ofcourse, u r amongst the ones who is caught in the suffocating net! Remember God and remember that noone can get more than ones destiny - so ur trouble-creators r bound by some limits which u don't know!

Best,

I hope you don't find this inappropriate, but the only advice I can really give is to pray about this matter. You cannot change them, but you may need to find ways to change the way you feel about them.

M.~
i can def. relate to your stress of in-laws!!!when i was married to my sons father, his mother and sister made my life pure hell-excuse my language but that decribes it the best. it was worst with our first son, got better wen we had our 2nd and 3rd sons, but the constant thrive to gossip and judge and cause trouble never ended in fact his sister to this day still bad mouths me and talks about me my life and my sons to people, some people just never grow up and live their own lives is all i can say. i am remarried and have similar issues with my new mother in law and his sister but they dont come around so we dont have to really deal with them, i have a very loving, protective and good husband who puts my feelings first. i have been blessed in that way. i also went to counceling to learn how to deal with them and i was told my husband had to chose between me and our marriage or his previous family, he needs to tell them to back off and mind their own buisness. people like them are unhappy and jealous people and want everyone around them to hurt like they do inside.

Hi M., I am sure there are many suggestions as to how to handle this situation. I would tell both parties, that me and my family will pray for you. As far as how to handle the constant bickering and jealously, just don't go around them for awhile. I know that won't solve the problem but being around it will only frustrate you and your husband even more. I have had many family disputes with my family and the best thing I did was just stay away for awhile and let things cool down and give everyone a chance to think things through. Believe me, I have learned from past experiences. They are trying to control the situation. B.