Mother-In-Law

I can totally understand that, and trust me i do, i am a mother of one 2 years old, and i am 27, i would like to meet other mothers too with children, i feel they need to interaction with other children, and i live here in spokane, and feel free to contact me i am at ____@____.com, and i know you arent alone with mother in laws i have my stories, but i would love to get to know you, and become friends. hang in there you are never alone.
talk to you soon i hope.

K.

People we are angry with, control us. Forgive this woman who for reasons in her past dysfunctional experiences is this way. We are all the sum of all of our parts over all of the years and all of the fears and tears. Forgive and release her and you will be content. "This is my commandment: that you love one another that YOUR JOY may be full" comes to mind here.Realize that like all men(except when they are in diapers) you cannot change this person! But you can love her and accept her at this stage of her life.It is so petty and life is so short. If you let go of all of this negative emotions and upset, you will in all likelihood, outlive her.She is needy and lonely. This baby is probably one of the only people in her life that make her feel good (about herself or life in general). Lonliness causes older people to become demanding, moody and needy. Someone needs to let her know It is NOT all about her, but that is not your job. She wouldn't get it anyway.She's wrapped up in her own emotional pain. Is she a widow to boot? Kids gone. Empty nest syndrome? She has probably had her hopes, dreams and wishes for unconditonal love hung on these children before you had them! Just an opinion. Ignore her demandings and smile , kiss her on the head when leaving , or rub her hand while you tell her you will be back soon or she will see the children again soon. I have worked many years with the elderly and infirmed. Yes they can be very demanding or downright ornery. If she were as busy as you are, she would not have time to do this annoying to you complaining. I have found that the more love, patience, and understanding I have with the ornery ones, the sweeter they become and love you unconditionally too. You will reap a good harvest with this woman if you can see past your annoyance and feel her lonliness.Thats what is really making her behave this way.And Yes they do act childishly as they age.Indulge her.

I agree. If she wants to see her granddaughter more she can come visit. She can probably afford the trip more than you. As to the other problems with her, I can't answer without know more. Just talk to her and let her know that her granddaughter sees her just as much as you parents, and that when you go to visit, there is a lot of stress getting your daughter to visit everyone. See if maybe instead of going to visit everyone when you are there, they could maybe plan a dinner or afternoon to get everyone togethr so they can all see you and then maybe she will get a little more one on one time with her granddaughter.

I agree with everyone, tell her you are sorry, but with money being tight, etc that if she wants to see her granddaughter to come visit. Also one evening when your daughter is in bed try telling her that you're sorry that she feels your family sees your daughter more, but that they really don't and that you're worried that this is going to start pulling your daughter in many different directions.

Have a talk with your husband. Let him know the distress you are in. When he is fully aware of it, then HE should address his mother. Make sure, however that you are in agreement about addressing her. He may be wriggling around the situation and letting you handle it because he is afraid of a confrontion with her. He should try to understand that he ISN'T in the middle-it is HIS mother, and he should be the one to deal with the situation. He has the history and ties with her that make that sort of discussion relevant. That should take the competitive element out of it as well, provided she isn't allowed to get the impression that you "put him up to it."

Also, discuss with your husband options he can give his mother on how to address her concerns of feeling left out herself. Does she have a computer? Setting up a webcam (a terrific Christmas gift) on her end and yours might give her more sense of connection, as will e-mailing photos or setting up a family webpage. A video camera can be a wonderful tool-take a fifteen minute block of time and make a movie just for her. You'll have her eating out of the palm of your children's hands!

A great response to manipulative comments is to simply repeat back the sentiment in a genuine attitude of empathy, ie. "I can sure understand how difficult it is to live so far away from family." And just leave it at that.

Keep your cool, and let your husband take the lead in this one. By the way, if the situation were reversed I would advise YOU to intervene with your mother and not leave it to your husband. You might do a little role reversal in your head to try to understand the other side of all this before you approach your hubby ;)
Best wishes
D.

I have this same issue with my mother in law accept she lives in the same city and my family lives 100 miles away. She feels she should be the favorite and everything is a competition. Here is what I have learned. Once you have children they and your husband are your only concern they are your family the rest of them are visitors. When she makes her comments and her little remarks just tell her your concern is your family if she wants to be a part make the effort if that is a problem then she should discuss it with her son. It is his mother let him deal with her it worked for me. My mother in law makes me crazy but for the past couple of years I have left her up to my husband to deal with. it makes it allot smoother. good luck

Hi Brook!

I hear your pain. I am recently married, and I have a little one on the way (my first). My family lives in Wisconsin, and I am here in Boise! My husbands mother (extremely religious) was always putting in her two cents about everything. I really started to stress like you. I told my husband to talk to her, but that didn't help. She just became offended and started acting really needy for his attention. He played into it and soon she was having him run errands for her all the time...she doesn't work! Anyway, I finally became fed up with it one day when she started saying bad things about me to my husband. I don't know if she was trying to get us to fight or what, but it was enough! I emailed her a truthful, yet blunt explaination of what I thought she was doing and that it needed to stop. She didn't like it, of course, but I at least had stood up for myself. I think that is what you need to do. Since I sent the email, she has stopped down-grading me to my husband and isn't commenting on how I do everything wrong. She may still think it, but who cares, right?

Hello B., I am faced with some similar issues with my mother in law and I addressed them and we had a BIG explosion. Now that we have gotten through that, I don't respond to her comments. When she asks me questions, I just reply with a typical, "I don't know anything about it" or "I haven't noticed". If she offends me and I slip, I tell my husband right away because he and I even had a blow out over such comments. In fact, the other day she had some issues with my husband (her son) and suggested she could tell me and I could fix it for her...to smart for that one, I immediately told her, "No no no". So if I could do the whole thing over, I would just not respond to her negative comments - kind of like what we do with kids.

Hi B.,
I feel for you. I have family members always telling me that they don't get to see my daughter as much as they would like to. I work full time and I don't get to see my daughter as much as I would like to. I have just started telling everyone that I'm in trouble with everyone at this point and I'm doing the best I can. That is all that you can do. You are MOM here and you call the shots. You need to beable to tell yourself that you are doing everything that you feel is necessary for your daughter and you seem to be saying that, but you need to believe it. And as the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Your mother-in-law needs to enjoy the time that she does get and stop wasting it by complaining that she doesn't get more.
Our children are precious and it is amazing to watch them grow and learn. Everyone wants to be part of it, but you as mom get front seat and everyone else get to help.
Good Luck.
TRUDI

I feel that your mother-in-law can come visit the baby to. If she feels she does not get to see the baby as much, tell her to come see you.

I'm new here, but speaking from experience...there isn't a lot you can do unless your hubby talks to her.
My former mother-in-law was a pushy so-and-so, and she didn't talk to me for two years because she was mad at me. We're talking asking for hub, then when I tell her "he's not here" she just hung up on me.
There's not a real easy way to get around it, unless he takes care of it.

Hi B.! My mother-in-law lives quite far from us, and she is not a competitive person like it sounds yours is. I can only say that you could do something like taking a special picture for her and putting it in a special frame that only she has. Say it is her special picture that only she has. That might make her feel more important! Where do you live? I am 23 and I have a 2 1/2 year old and 9 month old- both boys. So if you ever need some time to talk- I will help you out! I live in Three Forks, MT. My email is ____@____.com!