Mother/adult Daughter Relationship

I agree with Victoria. Step back and get some perspective. A professional can help you do this most effectively.

I think the reason she is withdrawing some is that she knows you don't totally approve of what she has done. You sound like a totally loving and supportive mom, but the fact that you mention the race issue early on shows that it is an issue for you. She is bound to know that. And I think by avoiding asking the details of her life, you might be reinforcing the fact that you don't approve. What you are doing with the intention of giving her space and freedom, she is taking as disapproval, like "don't ask don't tell, you don't really want to know, so you just don't talk about it." You just need to let her know what you have said here, that you care about the details of her life and love her, miss her, support her, and just want her to be happy ultimately. Have you called her? You say you email and she doesn't return her sisters' calls, but if you haven't even called this will just reinforce the idea that you don't approve. Call her. Leave her a message. Keep it light and happy and caring. Send her a letter telling her you only want to know what is going on because you care, not because you want to judge her. And that you won't, no matter what she tells you.

As far as the adoption thing, I have no experience with this, so this is more just my impression of the situation: I would honestly leave that out of it until your relationship gets back on solid ground, then tell her you would support her searching for her birth parents. If that is not the issue, she will just wonder why you bring it up. I could see that making things worse. And if it is, she is going to look for them if she wants to, whether she tells you about it or not. You need to wait until you have a more concrete reason for thinking it might be, then let her know you support her.

hi A.,
you clearly love your daughter and i love how hard you are willing to work to have a great relationship with her. i'm betting she is quite aware of your feelings about her involvement with a black man, and however much you say you are willing to accept it if she's happy, that will never be good enough. even without the rest of the pressures (financial, emotional), as long as she is being judged for something that is not a problem, she will not want to share her life with you in areas that are. focus less on how you think she should treat family, and more on treating her the way you want her to give back to you. i find it especially telling that apparently no one has shared this with her dad. if he would be that down on her for being with a black man, it's a lot to expect her to turn to you both for love and support. i don't know whether the adoption is an issue or not, but clearly the racial tension is. i would deal with the elephant in the room before focusing on more subtle issues.
khairete
S.

My first instinct is to say that your daughter senses how uncomfortable you are about her inter-racial relationship. To say that you are ok with it as long as she is happy is not enough. Relationships are not 100% blissful 100% of the time. If she expresses *any* dissatisfaction, would you assume the relationship is not right for her? I can't tell from what you said if you are still married to her dad or not. Being a grown-up of a divorced family can play a role in her perception of a healthy vs unhealthy relationship. You say she is immature; this may also lend itself to not knowing what is healthy or not. The bottom line here is that she is 29 years old and already made a decision about how to deal with her current financial and romantic situation. Maybe she is wanting a little distance from the family. Is she the youngest of the kids? Maybe she senses the family is a little too over-protective. Maybe she wants to be independent now. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is tell her that you love her and support her decisions. I wouldn't ask any questions since that is your intuition of what she doesn't want. Even if something is not right, she is choosing to deal with it in her own way. If you want her to become a mature 29 yr old, then it is time to treat her as if she is mature.... which means treat her as if she can handle the situation fine, letting her know that you trust her decisions and support them, but that asking for help would not make her less of an adult - because everybody needs help once in awhile. Nobody does everything on their own without ever getting help from anybody.

I hope this helps.
I wish you the best!
J. G

Have you thought about the fact that your disapproval of her partner (regardless of the reason) might be causing the strain in your relationship?

I am writing this as a 29 year old woman, and as a young mother. My husband and I met through our professional paths as artists, and worked together constantly until we had our daughter. At first, this had the effect of bringing our sides of the family very close together, and I felt like his parents welcomed me in a whole new way and approved of my parenting style and priorities.

Then I got offered a paid position (as you know in this economy is quite a boon) to continue my professional development and art, which required moving up to the D.C. area and my husband staying home with our 2 year old daughter during the day. I felt like this was a good move for him too, because he had been supporting us with a construction job (also winding down because of the economy where we lived), and trying to be an artist on the side, which was exhausting for him. Now he too has more time and flexibility for taking work related to his art.

My in-laws immediately tried to discourage this move by talking about the city being dangerous and how art wasn't a very stable lifestyle (which are all valid points, but ones that had never been made before). We came anyway, in part because of the amazing opportunity and uncertain economics at home, and my relationship with my in-laws continues to deteriorate. I know that while they probably think they are being subtle, their disapproval is very evident. It causes a lot of strain on our interactions on my end, frequently making me wish to avoid them. This fades in time and I am always happy to see them when a visit first begins, but then a cycle starts over.

I try not to unload this on my husband, because it is very awkward for him for his parents to treat me rudely, and he sometimes does not even notice something that hurts my feelings (he is a guy after all).

I think that as my in-laws are armed with statistics about the dangers of city life and traffic fatalities, you may be armed with information about bi-racial couples having conflict. I'm sure you want your daughter to be in a stable successful relationship, but why don't you research the other side of the coin? You could talk to some bi-racial couple about their challenges, or look up positive examples of these relationships working out. I know several, they do exist. Just as it is difficult to deal with my mother-in-law when she stubbornly harps on the beltway and refuses to operate a car in the greater metropolitan area (even in our relatively quiet neighborhood), it is probably stressful for your daughter if she knows you are using blanket generalizations to look at her individual life choice.

Just as I fervently wish my parents-in-law, who I love, would think about why they don't want us to live in the city on a deeper level, and as I am hurt by their frequent side-ways criticisms, perhaps, just perhaps, your daughter would appreciate your examining your attitudes about cultural differences. She clearly doesn't share them, and it's likely even a little bit of difference of opinion on such a sensitive area as someone you love is causing at least part of the problem. If I was your daughter, I would want you to take a look at what you are saying between the lines, and try to think about relating to her partner as an individual, and not a statistic.

Thanks for listening, perhaps your daughter and I have nothing in common, and I hope I haven't offended.

Send her an email or a letter. Tell her what you told us. Do not mention her boyfriend at all. If she brings him up then fine but only if she asks you respond about him. I am a white woman married to a black man for over 5 years now. We have two beautiful daughter's and my parent's just adore them. They do not treat them as anything other than their grandchildren. They accepted him for who he was. And believe it or not a black man can provide a loving and safe home for his wife of whatever race and his children. Just as well as another man of any other race.

I don't believe race really has anything to do with it though. She may really like this man and is just too ashamed or afraid to tell you. She is almost 30 years old and more than old enough to make her own decisions.

After saying all this I can understand that you are HER mother and you are just concerned for her. I wish you luck with this and I hope you and your daughter can reconnect.

I found it really interesting that one of the first things you mentioned was race and said you weren't happy about it. First, grow up. Everyone has different skin colors-there are "whites" of all different colors and "blacks" of all different colors. The color of someone's skin doesn't determine what they're like as a person. If you raised your daughters with that belief, then you've told her what she's doing is wrong and that you don't approve. And I can't believe you had the audacity to mention how family should treat each other. Maybe you should go to a class for racism and find out how PEOPLE should treat each other. Maybe she doesn't tell you her feelings about him because even though you think you're fine with it as long as she's happy, your voice or face says otherwise. Who would WANT to call a family (or talk to a family) that isn't really supportive. Who wants to hear "Why are you with him" especially if the only reason you can say that is race. Give her space, take a racism course with your other daughters, then let your daughter and her boyfriend know that you accept and love them, and mean it. If you can't mean it, don't say it-she'll know better. And then if there are any other problems maybe she will share them with you. Maybe she'll feel open to it, because you are finally really okay with her boyfriend. But until you end your racism, don't expect her to open up. You've already secluded her because she's not racist. And just for info, I'm 100% America. Mostly German and Irish, with a little Cherokee and other various things thrown in. My husband is Irish and Swedish, so we're as white as they come, and our very fair children are proof of that, but we know that NO ONE is lesser at all because of their race.

When people can not find employment or employment they are proud of it can be embarrassing! And that can be why she has not been in communication.

It concerns me that you even mentioned she is in a relationship with a black man and she is white. I thought you were going to mention this was part of the issue. It is not. You did admit that you do not like the situation and that is good of you to admit and to face. Your daughter could be avoiding the family because of your views on race and feels that the entire family hold the same views.

Think about your last conversation with your daughter how did it go, how did you leave it, what was said?

Good luck reach out to your daughter let her know. I am married to a wonderful man and we are not from the same ethnic background. Part of his family was upset with him and me. They missed the first years of our marriage and the first few years of our first daughter's life! There first grandchild!

Reach out, write her a letter to let her know you are here to support her with no strings attached.

I don't think this has anything to do with her being adoptive, but I have no experience what so ever with adopted families.

Good luck, you will be in all of our prayers.

First, let me just say to forget about anyone saying you might offend others. You were honest about how you feel, regardless of why you feel it. Second, I applaud you for trying to UNDERSTAND where your daughter is coming from. As someone who just turned 30, I wish that mother would have taken half the approach you have in truly trying to understand and then support. I, instead, have a mother who, if not in control, is lost. She always tried to manipulate any relationship I had with others - familial, friendship and romantic relationships, often with much "success" which caused major loss on my part figuring out how to deal with people. I apologize that I don't have much advice but I wanted to commend you for trying. My best guess is that your daughter is embarrassed and feels "unworthy" either by loss of job or relationship and feels you don't approve - either realistic or self-thought. Oh, and one more note about the birth mother, I would bring it up. She very well may feel lost and this might be part of it, I know it happens a lot with adopted children. Perhaps a good heart-to-heart or even a letter. The only problem with a letter is 1) you don't know she got it unless you ask and 2) it's very easy to avoid and never talk about. Good luck! I hope all works out well for her.

I'm sorry, this must be so hard for you. After I read your post, my immediate thought was could your daughter be suffering from depression? Sometimes people who are depressed will withdraw from family and friends. I would keep the communication channel open with her and tell her you are here for her and you love her, but don't constantly bring up the details of her personal life. Obviously, she wants to keep that area of her life private. Let her know your ears are listening and your heart is open if she wants to talk or vent...about anything. It's good for her to know that she has someone she can turn to when things get rough. I think in time, she'll come around. And, I wouldn't be critical or judgmental of her choices--she is a self-supporting adult, so I would respect that and give her her space. If she makes a mistake, be supportive. As far as the birth parents issue goes, you can let her know you support any decision that she makes, and leave it at that. It sounds like she's going through a hard time now with losing her job and the move. Hopefully, it will pass soon and things will get better.

Best wishes,

M.

You have already figured out she doesnt call because she is ashamed of her situation and doesnt want to be judged.
Be honest with her and tell her by letter or email basically just what you have posted. Be sure to tell her what you have told us~ that she is your wonderful daughter, you love her very much and you and her sisters are interested in her life.
There is often an inherent insecurity that comes along with being given up for adoption. Perhaps you could help her afford therapy? There is a modality called Emotional Freedom Techniques that is very effective in a short time.

you sound like a great mom. i have an awesome relationship with my own mother (i am 32) and i have to tell you that next to my husband and my son, my relationship with her is the most important (and influential) in my life. i can't tell you (although you probably know) what it means to have the unconditional support and love of a mother, as a grown woman. my advice is to call her, leave a message, email, whatever you have to do to get her attention, and tell her you're coming for a visit. whatever is going on, most likely she needs you, even if it's money troubles or something relatively harmless. it might be something really bad. you won't know more until you are down there in front of her. i think it's time for some "butting in". the good kind. i feel like she needs her mom. and you are that. bring up the birth mother thing if you want, but you need to get her over whatever hurdle is keeping her from talking to you, first. she may be mad but it is not okay to treat your mother that way, and a daughter especially should know better. we women should always stick together, no matter what. however, i feel you only have a right to butt in like this if you can do it with an open and accepting mind. you can't judge her or her situation. don't mention his color no matter what you do. there's really no place for that kind of judgement, and it sounds like it is an issue, however small...just don't even mention it, trust me. in fact, don't say a word about him unless it's positive. don't judge him or question anything about her relationship with him. that might be part of why she is hesitant to talk to you. good luck and i hope you and your daughter can reconnect.

A.:

Hello! I've not read through the other responses so if this is a repeat - please forgive me. You are a VERY good mother for being so concerned - sometimes our "mother's instincts" are right, sometimes they are not.

I have questions -
1. Why is race an issue? What does it matter what color the man is she's dating?
2. Why does it matter she's adopted?
3. Prior to her moving to another state, did you speak on a daily basis?
4. What makes you think she is immature and not grown up?
5. Do you have any indications or proof that he is abusing her?
6. What predicates to you that she is having drug problems? Or are you stating you don't think she's on drugs or are you subtly stating she does?

Now, I'll go into why I asked those questions.
1. Race - you obviously have an issue with it. So as a grown child myself, I would hesitate to call you knowing that I will hear disapproval in your voice.
2. You state she's adopted - it shouldn't matter - yes, one would like to know medical history, however, if you have a good relationship with her - she should know already that she could tell you she is interested in seeking out her birth mother.
3. If these are changes in your relationship since her move, write her a letter expressing your concerns in the changes in your relationship.
4. You state you consider yourself lucky - however, you state that she's immature - so, please don't be offended, but you may treat her like a teenager instead of an adult and this is her way of standing on her own.
5. Other than his race - is there any reason you think he's abusing her? When you visited did you see bruises? Did he not leave the two of you alone?
6. I am confused - do you think she's on drugs or not? You say you consider yourself lucky - however, if one reads between the lines - you think she's doing something.

Write her a letter - if you feel that he is abusing her - make it certified and one that only she can sign for - and express your concerns - lay it all out - state what you don't like about him - if it's just his race - the problem is yours and yours alone - she can't change that. YOU will have to change the way you think. IF you think he's abusing her - state WHY you think this. IF you lover her unconditionally - then you need to accept the relationship and tell her that NO MATTER WHAT, she can call you, come home, etc. with NO negative comments - maybe that's what she's afraid of - coming home to hear the "I told you so". NO ONE wants to hear that when their life gets thrown for a curve. Show her your unconditional love - accept him - you might just like him!!

I hate to say this, but maybe there really isn't anything that is a problem at all. Perhaps she is extremely busy. Oftentimes that happens to people and the time kind of flies off. She is not asking for money. She might think there is an issue with the difference in the black/white issue. I am white and married a Mexican man and my sister was deeply upset about that and told people I was in a mixed marriage. Hello, he is a man, I am woman-not a problem. Sometimes we read too much into the fact that there isn't continuous communication. In my case even now I wish to call my mother, my sisters, my brothers and I tired, busy and am trying to keep up with my own life and oh my husband. Who is the nicest man on earth and it doesn't matter to me what he is. It is difficult that she is far away, she probably feels bad about how that turned out, but sometimes that is part of life also. Keep trying, keep calling if you have the time and keep letting her know you love her. That is often what we all need and not twelve hundred hours in a therapists office.

Hey there, I am a 26 year old that has a somewhat strained relationship with my mother. I am only answering this to give you some incite to what your daughter may be going through. Like you stated this is the time that you try to figure your life out and who you are and what you should be doing with your life. I know that with my mom a lot of the time she will get offended when I don't call but it really isn't personal to her, I know it probably sounds selfish but I have a new family and life away from her now. I guess I'm only saying this because I don't want you to think that she is purposely cutting you out of her life, your right she is probably just immature and is focusing mainly on herself. I wouldn't give up trying to get a hold of her but when you do I would let her guide the conversation, again just coming from that perspective she probably doesn't want to be judged for her actions. As well as you can ask leading question when she does bring something up, to continue the conversation, you can get a lot if you just let her talk. Psychologist get pretty far with this kind of conversation, they let the other person guide the conversation but the counselor won't let it just drop off either. I'm sure you don't have to pretend to be interested in what she is doing so this should be easy for you. I'm sorry if i sound like I'm rambeling but i do know where she might be coming from. I'm 400 miles from my family and it can be hard to remember to keep them in your life when you feel so removed already. Good luck and God Bless

A.,
I think you are going to offend some people here with the racial issue. Unless he is abusing her, it doesn't seem that he is the problem.
I think a professional therapist could be of help in this situation. There are quite a few things going on that a good one could help you sort out.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

My question is, when she lived with him the first time did she go so long without phoning? If so, she might be withdrawing because of the racial issue, because he's abusive or she might be the type of person who doesn't maintain contact with loved ones when she's in a relationship. There are lots of people like that. If this is a new thing I'm wondering if the relationship isn't going well and she's afraid to admit it to herself, let alone you. Maybe she feels like a failure to herself and therefore to you. I know when I've done something wrong I try to stay under the radar with my parents and I'm 33! Does she have a best friend? Often times a parent can speak to the best friend to get information. Don't be afraid to ask her friend either. I've had friends in difficult situations and wished their parents would ask me. I felt like I couldn't go to them on my own because I was breaking a trust but being asked directly was a different story.

I would work on really being ok with the race issue and make your husband try to understand it as well. You don't have to agree with it but you have to make a valiant effort to do so. If you don't it'll push your daughter further away. My aunt and I disagree on religion and she won't try to see my side so ultimately I avoid her because I don't want to hear her preach to me. Take a look at yourself and see if you're "preaching" to her. When she calls or emails do you listen or do you make suggestions as to how she should live and conduct her life? If it's the latter that may be the problem. I know you love her very much but she's an adult and has to figure life out on her own.

If you feel like she's missing something in her life she may be feeling out of place because she's adopted. I was adopted at 2 months old and though I've never been interested or felt the need to know my birth parents I know a lot of adopted kids who do. Bring it up in conversation/email. Tell her that you read about kids who want to meet their birth parents and ask if that's something she'd like to do. Tell her that you'd help her if she ever wanted that and that you and your husband would support her in that. It might not be an issue for her but if it is, knowing that she has your support would speak volumes to her.

I'm sorry we kids are tough, even into adulthood. Imagine what kind of things your mom worried about for you as you were an adult :) ha ha ha :) It's obvious that you love, love, love your daughter. I hope she's able to see that she has a kind, caring, and supportive mom who she can lean on and talk to. Good luck.

I was adopted when I was 3 mos old and my being adopted was something that was never kept from me. When I told my parents I was interested in looking they said they would support me. You might just want to let her know that if she ever decides that she wants to look for her biological mother you would support her. My parents never pushed me on it. My biological mother found me when I was 28. She is not a big part of my life (we exchange Christmas cards and she sends me a birthday card).
Your daughter is probably just trying to find herself and in truth may be a little ashamed. Just let her know you are there for her through thick and thin.
Also, don't get caught up in the nature vs. nurture theory.

Dear A.,
My heart goes out to you-- I know this must be difficult. You mentioned a mix of issues that may be contributing the lack of meaningful contact, but honestly, I'd just give it time. It sounds as though your daughter has had some life changes recently, and sometimes as a young person you just get tired of talking about things, especially to a parent.

I'm an adult with adult children, but I vividly remember my desperation to just be quiet and not have to talk about things before I was finished thinking about them in private. Parents can unintentionally cause stress through concern, and it's just not fun to call someone you love just to say 'hi' and know that there will be an expectation for more even if you're not ready to talk.

As for the adoption issue, I was adopted, and my parents were open about the fact. I was 37 and my adopted father had passed on before I was ready to meet my birth father. I think your daughter will address this when she's ready, and it won't be a problem.

I hope you can trust in the love you've shared during her life so far, and know that there's a solid relationship foundation that can withstand spaces and then renew again with love. All adults need time and space to grow, and giving it to her may be the most loving thing you've ever done (and hardest). Keep the brief friendly contacts, but let her lead into other topics when she's ready. I believe you'll eventually draw closer together, and she'll be grateful for your understanding.

I wish you peace.

If you feel like something is not right, probably that is the truth. However because your daughter is an adult now, you canot interfere unless she invites you to do so. I hae grown children too. I pray for them everyday. I commit them to God's keeping because really they are His kids more than they are mine. It really hurts to see your adult children make poor choices. All you can do is pray that God will give them wisdom to see what they are doing and turn around to a better course. God answers prayer. Be there for your daughter and let her know that she can come to you at anytime. AF

I would say your daughter is very blessed to have you as a parent. My concern would be if this man is controlling in nature or abusive. How much do you know about his character? It seems as though she is purposely being cut off from the family so that she will be ever more reliant on him...and only him. This is a bad trap for her to fall into and I think you are right to be concerned.

Let your daughter live her life and just be there for her when she needs you. Stay out of her business and only give her your opinion if/when she asks for it. You have already done your job raising her. Now, your job is to support her decisions.

Maybe she doesn't want to open up to you because she thinks that you are a racist (seemingly you are). Aside from that, it is possible she could be suffering from depression, which her boyfriend may or may not be contributing to. But all you can really do is be there for her, express your concern and willingness to help, and then back off. You can't fix her problems.

As soon as I read your post, I was certain that there would be people thinking that you are some kind of racist because you mentioned race. I think everyone needs to be honest with themselves about how they really feel. You never once wrote that you thought you were superior because you are white and he is black. I know plenty of black people who can't stand to see their children dating white, Asian, or Mexican people. They are just as a racist, I guess. Most parents just want to see their children marry someone that makes them happy. Marrying someone of the same race is like marrying someone of the same religion...you sort of already know certain things about them and their is the notion that marrying someone like you make life easier. My parents struggled hard with their respective families over ethnic issues and both my parents ended up eventually dropping their families altogether. Sad for us since we had no aunts, uncles or grandparents we were close to. Lets face it, the world hasn't caught up with the reality that we are all human beings and as long as we are good to each other, we can get through anything together. Being in a "mixed" relationship is difficult. People can't help but look twice, most people can't help making a judgment about it. Even those on this site who sort of gave you a hard time managed to point out how "white" they are and took a tone that made them sound as if they are better than you because they don't feel like you do. I just want to point out that we need to take people as individuals and try not to let our preconceived notions get the better of us. Your daughter may be holding back because she already has some ideas about how you and your husband must be feeling. Imagine loving someone and knowing that your parents may not want to speak to you again because of it. What if she were a lesbian? What if you are Christian and she were living with a Muslim? There are so many scenarios that might seem better or worse. See the positive if you can. If you think being gay is really bad, be thankful that isn't the issue. We have seen time and again what many Muslim fathers have done to their daughters for dating American men.

Enough about that...Now about your daughter. You can't live her life for her. Your ideas of what should make her happy may not be what works for her. You have to find a way to let her live her life without letting your feelings get in the way. It must be so hard not knowing how your daughter is living and what she is up to. I trust your "mom" instincts, too, and believe that you should probably find a way to reach out to your daughter to be sure there isn't something else going on. Drugs, depression, etc. could be part of the problem. You've gone out to visit her before...can you go again? Maybe you can drop her a line, give her fair warning that you are coming and see how she responds.

Good luck with this. Thanks for being brave enough to be honest about your feelings and for trying to find help for your daughter.

Hi A.,
Thank you for being your daughter's mother. She will always have you in her heart, even when you are not there to be with her through hard times.

I just wanted to point out, like any parent, you seem to be feeling two ways about your child: you say in the beginning of your message that she is a grown up, so her choices are her choices.

You then point out you feel she is "immature;" which says you are still judging her choices.

Hey, no negative comment from me here: I think this is totally normal for a parent, but your daughter also picks up on this. If you want her to feel you are not judging her, then you really do have to accept her situation in your mind (if not in your heart).

My only suggestion for your situation: my husband recently said to me: if family is in trouble financially, why would you wait for them to ask for help, especially when you know they won't ask for it? Send the help (money; grocery store gift certificates; whatever you think they need), tell them it's a "gift," and expect nothing in return. They are family.

Good luck to you, you sound like a great Mom!
t