Moral Dilemma...

For what ever reason they are reaching out. Absent anything to say that isn't the case except it is. I have learned kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for. It is worth the risk to possibly have someone else to love her.

If it doesn't work out she will be fine. Think of everything you guys have been though, do you think she is anything less than strong?

I think you need to talk to her -not on FB either. This way you can better gauge what is really going in. People DO change-for many reasons. I would give the benefit of the doubt and give her a call and just ask what is going on. If she HAS changed she will probably explain that to you. IF she hasn't then you can tell her that you don't think its a good idea for a relationship. Again-no FB. Phone or in person. THis is too important of a conversation to leave up to interpretation.

Have your daughter send her the thank you card and let sleeping dogs lie. You don't know what she's up to until she makes another move, if at all.

R.!!!!!

SSSSSSOOOOOOO good to see a question from you again!! YAHOO!!!

Have Madison write her a thank you note for the birthday money.

Other than that? DO NOT DO ANYTHING!!!! Let Madison lead the way. If she wants to talk with them. Fine. ON YOUR TERMS. NO one-on-one visits. Phone calls are fine. ONLY IF Madison wants them.

Follow your gut girl. It hasn't led you astray in the past.

Politely thank her and let it go at that. If/when something more comes of it, you can deal with that then. For now, she sent her granddaughter a birthday card with money in it. Granddaughter sent a thank you and used the money however she wanted or put it into a savings account. End of story. I wouldn't return it, and I wouldn't ask about motivation. That will come out soon enough if there is an ulterior motive.

I would write a short thank you and send it. A card that says thank you for the birthday $ should be sufficient. Deal with anything else they do when they do it. I have some nutsy family and I drove myself crazy.for a while trying to anticipate what they wanted, what they were going to.do next, ect. She might want to try and see your daughter, at which point you can politely decline, or you might never hear from her again, crazy people are like that. If she wants to send your daughter $ in the mail, its not hurting anyone, so I would just let her have it. It doesnt mean you have to let it go any further. And I would make sure your fb is set up private and this woman is blocked from it if you dont want contact with her.

Well Rache... it's nice to see you, or hear you, oh wait, READ you again :)

Since your daughter just turned 7 Grandma probably figures she's old enough to understand money and that she has a grandmother that does care. I'd say it's the age that has a LOT to do with it. You didnt hear from her before because she figured your daughter wouldnt really remember or care. It is different now.

I'd have daughter send a thank you note back, and maybe draw a picture or something.... It would be hard to force your child to have emotional feelings for someone she doesnt really know, but this might grow and turn out okay.

I remember loving getting cards from my grandma, she always sent cash and it was pretty awesome.

I agree to just send the "thank you" note and bank the money.
Nice to have you back!

keep the money, keep red flags up and be ready for anything, and as far as contact let them contact you, don't contact them, (except for sending the thank you letter thats fine).

Bank the money.
Tell your daughter that her father's mother sent her birthday money and you are going to keep it in the bank for her.

As far as "friending" her--up to you. You can always filter what she sees/does not see.

You don't "owe" her anything. But I would keep the money for your daughter.

Your daughter doesn't really need to know more than that.

I'd be tempted to send it back and tell her thanks but no thanks.

I agree, it sounds like there are some motives behind her wanting to get back in touch.

That seems very weird to me...and you're right, your daughter doesn't need people in and out of her life. If she last saw them at 2.5, there can't even be much of a relationship there, if any at all.

Sounds like some weird motives are behind it...

I've been the kid in this situation. My grandmother was a control freak and she wanted to have a relationship with me on *her* terms. She even refused to spell my name right - instead she always wrote it the way she though it should be spelled.
My parents always told me to be polite and say thank you. They allowed me to see her on *our* terms - as in it didn't interfere with my activities or was not overly inconvenient for me or for them. They didn't want to be accused of standing in the way but they also made sure to set boundaries.

I think a nice thank you card from your daughter is sufficient.
No need to accept her friend request on FB, sounds like that could open a very old, messy can of worms :(
I keep a comfortable distance from certain family members, for both my own well being and that of my kids, nothing wrong with that!
Good to see you here! I hope things are well :)

I do not think this is a dilemma at all. Have your daughter write a thank you note and be done with it. There is no need for anything else other than a thank you note.

Do not accept the friend request on social media. This is one of the many reasons why I do not have facebook, myspace or twitter.

Trust your gut.

Could be her guilt, could be manipulation. But $50 for a 7 year old child??? Clueless at best, bribery at worst.

Put the money in a savings account for the child - it won't make much interest but it won't have fees. Write a thank you saying what happened and why. Small tokens are okay as gifts but tons of money are meaningless. Your thank you can say "I put it in the bank until she is old enough to appreciate a gift of that size". I wouldn't highlight that she doesn't know this grandmother, but if you're pushed, you may have to. This woman has no RIGHTS to the child. If she really cares, she will write you and say she wants to stay connected, and what is a good gift that is in line with your child's interests. Your answer should be for a $10 or $15 gift, maybe a book, or perhaps a subscription to an age-appropriate magazine subscription. Impersonal, maybe. But a magazine comes every month or every other, which is not a bad way for a distant person to stay in the child's life.

I'd say very little right now unless/until you get a lot of mail from her. If you do, open it first to see if it's appropriate for your child. None of this "mail fraud" nonsense - she's a minor and you have the right. If you ask what she wants from you, it's kind of antagonistic and could make her even more pushy. (I don't blame you for questioning her motives, mind you - I'm just not sure you should say so."

Make a small response, and then don't do anything else and see what happens. If you are contacted again, then you can decide based on the type of contact, frequency, etc. And if there's more money involved, I'd say you don't allow your child to have that kind of cash at her young age and either it's going in the bank for her college education or you'll have to respectfully request that it stop.

Glad to see you back :)
This sounds a little teensy bit like last Christmas for me. My 4 year old is adopted and birth father gave her 100 $1 bills wrapped in a stack. I was dumbfounded as to why this man who doesn't have two nickles to rub together would do this, what his motivation was and where the hell he got the money. We decided to bank the money and move on. She has no contact with him and she won't. But that's our situation, not yours! Only you know what's best. I would probably keep the money and bank it, regardless (again, speaking as someone who doesn't know the situation).
I'm kinda going to go ahead and say what Cheryl O said is my answer!

I'd say that you are handling things correctly right now. She send a card, your daughter thanked her and that's the end of it right now. Handle each situation that comes up by determining what's best for your family and your daughter. Don't feel you owe this woman a relationship with your child if it's not in your child's best interest.

As far as why she's reaching out now? Maybe she feels bad about turning her back on your daughter. Maybe she had a health scare that softened her heart and wants to be close to her family. Maybe she's trying to manipulate you for some unknown reason to hurt you in some way. Really it's not something you need to know since she could lie to you to make you feel sorry for her and give her access to your daughter.

having deliberately and knowingly cut out members of my own family from my child's life (for very good reasons), i accept that some day i will have to explain it to him. but i am not going to regret keeping their toxicity from his precious innocent life. if you feel the need to examine the situation, call her and feel her out. it's possible she has changed. but i would not involve your daughter until you are VERY sure it won't backfire on you. (and no, i wouldn't return it or feel guilty. just take it with a grain of salt. focus more on the person and less on the money. this could be a door opening, or it could be a huge mistake. that's a decision you have to make.) if you are sure it is not well-intentioned, then move on and don't look back. good luck.

Haven't read the other replies, so sorry if I'm repeating.

Regardless of her motivation, she is making an effort. For now, give her the benefit of the doubt (innocent until proven guilty) and have your daughter thank her graciously for the gift. Remember, while YOU may not need or want the money, it wasn't given to you. It was given to your daughter. Put it in a savings account for her and she will appreciate it when she's a teenager.

As for letting her back in your life, I say give it a try. Start slowly. Don't force your daughter to do anything she's not comfortable with. Have short phone calls, where you are also on another extension or speaker phone, so you know exactly what is being said. As soon as the grandmother says anything you're uncomfortable with, change the subject or end the call.

If she HAS changed, it would be wonderful for your daughter to have her grandmother in her life. Give it a chance. It sounds like your daughter is mature and knows the risks, so she probably won't be hurt if it doesn't work out, as she won't really have expectations of anything promising.

I hope you're pleasantly surprised.

I'd ask her what she wants.

I would just send a polite thank you and deal with anything else if it comes up. At some point when your daughter gets older she may want to know these people even if they are idiots, just let her know what they are like.

I have been keeping my distance from my step mother and her children with my father. I don't trust any of them and all they do is talk bad about my sister and me and cause all kinds of drama. I don't want my daughter around them and wouldn't trust them alone with her. There is a lot more about them that I would rather not post.

I would just explain to your daughter what they are like in terms that she can understand.

Hi, R.:

I would let your daughter write her a thank you note.

Your write her a note to hold her accountable for how you
were affected by the card and money.
1. Describe what happened.
2. Describe how you were affected by seeing the card and money.
3. Describe how your daughter was affected.
4. Tell her what you need to make things your relationship better.
You can include the things you have written here.

Good luck.
D.

The Virginia Snake says: Confrontation is a bite to restore justice.