Montessori/Attachment Parenting Sleeping Routines for My 9-Month-old Baby Boy

I'm pulling an infrequent one for me and not even reading the other responses...Because i actually feel really strongly about this one.

-Babies know what they need.
-Children know what they want.
-Adults have agendas.

Object permanence is a psychological concept that breaks down into English as "having just figured out that something may go away and NEVER COME BACK". Wee bit scary, isn't it?

Personally, when my 5 year old read something about fire-safety and made the cognitive leap "Omigod, what if my mum and dad died in a fire and I was all Aloooooooon?????" I didn't shove him away, and tell him that he needed to learn to deal with these things on his own, because he was interrupting mummy. I pulled him onto my lap and rocked him, and hugged him, and comforted him until he wasn't afraid anymore. I know few people who would shove their crying child away and tell them, sorry, figure it out on your own...I'm obviously not burnt alive. Yet for some reason, over the past 30 years it's become really popular to do that with infants. I don't get it.

This phase doesn't tend to last long. Usually a few weeks at most. You'll know it's coming to a close when just a few pats on the bum soothe him back to sleep. One trick is to start something that continues all night long (something permanent & therefore comforting). We played jazz/blues...I know other parents who use a moving starlight projection, or a fan, or even one family i know of who used a "lonely puppy" toy...the kind designed for puppies that has a heartbeat and simulated breathing.... the theme tends to be something that has movement, whether it visual, auditory, or physical.

Another trick, for getting more sleep, if you can wing it... is for one partner to go to bed early/get up early with the baby so the other partner can go to bed late / sleep late after being up with the baby. We couldn't do this (I just stayed up late and got up early :P), but I've done it for my SIL for a week so she could sleep until noon and catch up on some needed zzzzz's. It tends to work the best for people who need large blocks of sleep in order to feel rested. Obviously, some people are wired for napping. I don't know about you, but i am unfortunately not one of them. For ME it's better to be running on 3-4 hours of sleep, for a week, and then crash for 12 hours... then to add a nap. Regardless of what the studies show.

Doing montessori style parenting you will run up against a LOT of parents telling you the myriad reason why x,y,z won't work and why you have to have strict schedule, and how to make your child conform to your schedule. However, montessori-style parenting is the kind of parenting that has been around for millenia... not until the 1950's do you run into "everything must be seperate, sterile, and DO NOT BOTHER ME, you're not on my SCHEDULE, you're not allowed to be hungry/scared/etc until 2 HOURS FROM NOW" style parenting :P <laughing> can you tell I'm a bit persnickety and or biased? Totally biased. At least, I know it takes all kinds.

Enough about me. I think you're doing fantastic, and have good instincts. You've ruled out medical problems and you're looking for a solution that will work for your family. Go with your gut. Give whatever you choose time to work, but if it doesn't, try something new. Improvise, adapt, and overcome it what it's all about. And before you turn around twice, it's gone, in a blink. I swear I was sitting in my rocking chair nursing my son while reading a book and listening to nina simone @ 3am DIEING for sleep, maybe a couple of months ago...but it was seven years. Even though you're tired, these moments are so precious. They're literally gone in a blink.

With love,
Z.

Hello D.,
My name's T. and I'm a mother of twin girls who are also nine months. They sleep in cribs but a couple times last month one of them kept waking up about an hour after I would get her to sleep. It wasn't until another tooth popped out that I realized that teething was waking her up. My girls have had off and on responses to their teething so if your son is having that kind of a problem I would do what I did with my girls. I would sing to them after breast feeding them. Then when they got into their cribs and if they were still awake, I would give them Baby Tylenol, Orajel for teething, and teething tablets all at once. Everything was gentle for them and effective so it would battle every pain that would come up in the middle of the night. Now, your son falls asleep after breast feeding so what I would do is maybe give him something when he wakes up. But refrain from breast feeding. Also try putting a teething toy in bed with him. My girls sometimes bite too hard on their fingers and hurt themselves.

Hi, first off it sounds like you are doing an awesome job raising your son! I have two little boys, 3 and 2 (almost 15 months apart) and even having two so close together I have learned that each baby has their own personality - my two were very different!

I slept with my second until he was about 9 months old - I had a queen bed in the guest room that I used. Then he started waking up at night and wanting to play, poke, climb on me, etc and would be up for a couple of hours. Finally I couldn't handle it anymroe and put him in his crib in another room and then he would wake up 1-2 times, nurse once and/or take his binkie and go back to sleep pretty easy. He is on a mattress on the floor now, and he seems to like it best if he is in a little nest with pillows (and his big stuffed dog) around him so he has something to cuddle up against. So, if your son is mobile enough that you feel ok using pillows around him maybe try that (something to cuddle with instead of you).

What I would do is when he wakes up I'd go in and check on him (how bad would you feel if he was up crying all night because he had a poopy diaper!) and tuck him back in and then leave again. He might cry some, which I have never liked much either, but I have also discovered that sometimes they just have to get their little rebellious/stress relief cry in for a couple minutes and then they are fine. Or if they keep crying then by the time you go back in to give them another hug they are so happy to see you again they calm down. I'm guessing that there will need to be some crying involved for him to learn to go back to sleep by himself, on his bed, or anywhere else in his room - just be careful when you open the door because if he is like mine he might go to sleep right in front of the door. My biggest advice is, if you decide to make him cry it out you have to stick with it and be consistant otherwise you are just torturing him and yourself for no reason. The first 2-5 nights will be really hard, but babies adjust to new routeins pretty quickly if you stick to it. Good luck!

Hi D.,
One thing we did with our daughter (who is now 11 years old) for several years was use baby wash that has Chamomile and Lavender scent. That combination works really really well to calm a child and help them fall asleep. She would sleep wonderfully after having this used. We also got a bubble bath solution that was Chamomile and Lavender and let her have bubble baths. Now that she's older, we let her drink chamomile tea before bed when we think she might need help sleeping.

Our daughter isn't in a crib, although she was a little bit older when we removed the side rail so she could get in and out (her bed is a little off the floor). I have noticed a few things:

1) When she was 9 months old she still woke up a few times per night. I went in, calmed her, and left (without necessarily having her be asleep). I was worried that i was training her to wake up, but she seems to grow out of it on her own. Now, many nights, she sleeps right through. Some nights i still end up going in there - but usually she wants something for her teeth, or occasionally a new diaper. I guess, if it feel okay for you to respond, don't worry too much about it, because your son is still young and will learn to sleep longer during the nights.

2) To encourage her, we would increase how long we waited before we responded. We also don't wait until she is asleep before we leave - we get her settled, and then leave. That way she knows about laying in bed until she falls asleep.

3) Right now she'll occasionally get up during sleeping time. We pick her up, put her back in bed, and then leave. At night we haven't ever had to do this more than once - she seems to get the idea. Sometimes at naps she doesn't really sleep at all, because she is wandering around her room. But we don't respond unless she leaves her room or is making a racket. It seems to be working, in that she either plays quietly, or climbs back into bed and goes to sleep herself.

I don't know if some of the job was made easier because she was so used to sleeping in a bed, that she learned that this is what beds are for. It is possible that the year + without being able to climb out made the transition easier. Still, it seems like the more we just set our expectations (you're in bed, lay still, sleep) the more she responds positively to them.

I guess, my advice, don't do the co-sleeping - it may make things temporarily better, but in the long run it will be worse. Like wise, i'd resist the pack-n-play - you have to move to a real bed eventually, and why put it off? The other thing that i would work on doing is leaving the room before your boy is asleep - get him settled, tucked in, etc., and then leave. There may be times when he is not very tired that you have to re-tuck a few times, but, i bet he'll adjust pretty well. You can also try extending the time you wait to respond at night- if he puts himself back to sleep a few times he'll be on the road to doing it all the time.

Good luck!

Hi D.,

I also am a trained Montessori teacher of the 6-9 year old age, with a few times teaching the preschoolers. I haven't personally taken the infant training. Although I know the thinking behind it.
I feel your last solution is the best. Let him figure out how to put himself to sleep with a blanket that smells like you, with a safe sleeping space. However he is probably on the verge of teeth cutting through. I have 3 girls and they get very fussy and sleep goes out the window with the teeth, They are ages 7, 5, and almost 2.
I hope this helps you. Good luck
Polly

O.k. so we did ours a little different we did use a crib for our kids for the first year but by 12-13 months they were switched to a bed on the floor. My input is that both of our kids went through a phase near the beginning where they would get out of bed and fall asleep primarily behind the door. Didn't last long and they still slept good. If the room is baby proof then there is no harm with doing it this way.

Personally the whole child in bed with us/you has never worked for us as we got less sleep then getting up 8 times at night for every time they slept so I for this reason would say no to that way. And there is no reason to put in into a crib/pack n play at this age. A suggestion though is if you don't already have one to put a side rail on the bed to help him feel more secure but not needed. Neither of my kids used one.

D. - I'm not familiar with Attachment parenting, so I can't comment from that perspective. I've always had my girls in a crib. What I think of though, is that babies go through stages of learning, and whenever they have a big milestone they're working on (i.e. crawling, walking, talking, etc.) they wake more during the night. I noticed this on my own, and then had a couple studies I found back up what I noticed. They say our brains reinforce the learning we've done during the day by "paving pathways" so to speak while we sleep. There is more brain activity going on during the night than normal during these times, so it's easier for baby to wake.

If this is what's going on in your case, then more important than which method you choose is that you stick to what you've chosen and be consistent with it. As your baby goes on through this stage he'll sleep well again (until the next one!).

Personally, at only 9 months I wouldn't let him cry it out. I'd go in before he gets really worked up, do what you want to reassure him and tuck him in, tell him goodnight, etc. and then go back out. It might be a week of sleepless nights, but he'll learn that you're there and be sleeping again soon! Blessings!

We also tried co-sleeping, and it was so hard for me (a very light sleeper) and my daughter (a very mobile sleeper)... at about 6weeks we put her in the bassinet and then at 4 months her crib. That was also when she started daycare AND sleeping through the night--what a difference life became then!

We did have a setback around 9-10 months. She got a stuffy nose and had trouble sleeping. Then she began to wake up again and expect us to come. After finally getting sleep for four months, having her wake up several times a night was torturous! It was harder on me than when she was a newborn!

Our pediatrician basically spelled out a lot of what you mentioned; object permanence, mobility, etc. She also told me that the three "methods" were a) cry-it-out/progressive waiting, aka Ferberizing, aka Super Nanny, b) Pantley's "no-cry" method which takes about two-three months and can be delayed by setbacks caused by normal developmental milestones such as teething, walking, etc., and c) co-sleep with the child and deal with it in toddlerhood. We opted for a. and as challenging as it was to leave the room while she was awake and not happy--by the end of the third night, she literally only gave a whimper after bath, jammies, books, and bottle time. Our pediatrician said that babies that age are smart, and figure it out. She also said that we feel the guilt of letting them cry because our associations with crying are so different from theirs. We also noticed that our daughter was just as happy each morning regardless of whether we slept on the floor of her room just to get her to sleep, or we let her cry and learn how to soothe herself to sleep. Of course this was all in a crib, which might make your situation a bit more challenging.

The one thing that I was thinking about with his bedroom situation is the possiblity that he may be "overstimulated" with choices of where to roam, or feeling insecure because he isn't quite sure what to do. It's great that he's been allowed access to his entire room, but at night time he should know he has a place to sleep and it's a safe and comfortable place.

Is Montessori opposed to cribs? Or is it just the idea that exploring should be done whenever and wherever a child wants? I'm not familiar with Montessori ideas that extend beyond the school setting. Is his room where kids nap during the day? If so, that might be confusing too because he's used to others being in there, or it having a different function than the place where he has to be alone at night.

What time are you putting him to sleep? We discovered that if we got our daughter to bed by 7:00/7:30 it was MUCH better for her than any later. Since we get up at 6, she was still getting good sleep, and not waking us up early! We also had a very deliberate nighttime routine, with lots of consistency.

I hope you are able to figure out something that will work for you and your little guy! Sleep deprivation is the worst.

Introducing a "lovey" to our daughter at around 7 months made a HUGE difference in how she was able to self-soothe. I hadn't thought of it, but the son of our friends gave her his old blue lovey bear (a Carters bear-head mini blanket) and she took it to bed in her crib one night and I just left it there. After about 2 weeks I noticed it had been spit up on so I threw it in the laundry pile. I went to put her down for her nap and she just would NOT settle down. After going back in twice I grabbed the bear off the laundry out of deseperation. I gave it to her, she snuggled up to it and went almost immediately to sleep. Now at 19m he is her "best friend" and she sleeps with him always and wants him when she is in a new or stressful situation. He was a great help when we went last month to visit grandma so she always had something that smelled like home and comforted her as we traveled. As far as I'm concerned she can take it to college with her if she wants! Oh, for normal day-to-day things we leave Sam Bear at home though. She just has him for sleeping unless it's going to be a stressful day or a new situation (doctor visit, new babysitter, etc.) So she is not carrying him around constantly.

Hi D.,
Nothing really new, just some encouragement. We have two, and have learned what doesn't and then, what does work. Our son is 4 1/2 and I was always there when he fell asleep, so he expected me to be there through the night. When he would wake slightly, as we all do, he would panic because I wasn't there. Normally, you will fall back to sleep and not remember the wakening. I think your son is waking up because you are not there.
Our daughter is 2 1/2, and she is an excellent sleeper. I would always try to put her to sleep sleepy, but still awake. I just kept telling myself I was giving her a gift by teacher her to fall asleep on her own. Our nightime routine now includes reading books together with brother, goodnight kisses & hugs, drop in crib and 1-2 songs, then good night. She often sings and plays for 30 minutes or more, but rarely calls for us, and always sleeps until morning. If she does call for us, or cry, we give a pat, and a ""shhhh shhhh, night-night", then leave.
Our son still has trouble and is often fearful and "lonely". He wants me to cuddle and stay with him. He complains that his stuffed animals are not real.
I really think good sleep is very important. My husband and I were in terrible states when my son was little and not sleeping alone. We finally had to go hard core, with several tearful nights of cry it out (me included!) when he was 15 months old. Believe me, it is aweful when they can stand, jump up and down, and call your name.
SO, I would encourage you to 1)put your son to sleep sleepy, not asleep, 2)go to him and place him back in bed if crying, or calling, handing him his stuffed animal or blanket to cuddle, 3)keep the revisits short, nonverbal(or shhh shhh night-night), 4)Keep this up until he is asleep for the night. Also, keep him awake while breastfeeding. This may mean a few more nights with less sleep than you need, but it really works, and will mean Full nights sleep (10-12 hours depending on what your child needs) in the future.
Good luck!

We too are AP parents and my best advice is to stick with what you want long term even if it means an inconvenience for you now. My daughter co-slept with us most of the time until she was 18 months. We started transitioning her to her own bed in her own room at about 20 months and she is now 21 months and sleeps through the night in her room on her bed. I breastfeed her on her bed and sometimes she falls asleep, sometimes not. Once she's done breastfeeding, we cuddle a little if she's awake and then I get up and walk away. She rarely cries out and if she does, I go back and cuddle for another 5 minutes or so. Last night it took me less than 15 minutes from when I took her to her room to when I was back downstairs. That's not to say that co-sleeping was always my favorite thing, but for our family's long term well-being, it has been the right choice for us. If you really don't want your son to cry it out, then you and your husband need to decide how you're willing to compromise to avoid that.

Another possibility that might work well for you temporarily is to move his mattress into your room on your floor. Then he's closer to you that you don't have to fully wake to get to him, but it's not completely different from what you're doing now.

Also, it might be time to reevaluate if your pediatrician is the right one for your family. He sounds pretty insensitive to your parenting intuitions and choices. I'm not suggesting he's a bad doctor, but maybe just not the right one for your family.

I don't have much advice on the sleeping arraingement, but I also think that #3 sounds best for your situation. I did want to comment on the blanket thing though. Put his blanket under your shirt during the day, this way it will smell like you. I do this for my kids after I wash their blankets, and it works really well for us. Good luck!

What about bringing his mattress in your room? Once he's sleeping through the night again, put it back in his own room. I think babies sleep better if they know mom and dad are close.
Babies will start waking up again when they're getting teeth, about to tackle a new milestone, going through a growth spurt and are hungrier, etc. As parents we're always dealing with new challenges!

Good luck!

I started to learn about attachment parenting when my 7 you daughter came to me as a foster child. For her the goal was to help her attach to me. The goal was for me to show that I could be trusted to take care of her and her needs. She did attach to me. She still seeks me out when she knows that she had needs that I can help her with. Lately she has even begun to ask for and accept hugs.

I know that my situation is drastically different than yours. I tell you this so that you are know the screen thru which I see attachment parenting.

I have used as many attachment skills that I am able to use as a grandma. Included in my parenting style is common sense and Love and Logic as well as Attachment.

I agree with the doctor that your baby is having difficulty learning how to soothe himself. I slept in the same room as my granddaughter for several months and I was aware that many times she would wake up, make some noise and fall back to sleep. When she cried I responded by patting her while she remained in her crib. She would go back to sleep.

When she was around 6 months my daughter took over. She refused to get up in the middle of the night. So Monet figured out on her own how to get back to sleep. I disagreed with that. Monet has many difficulties so I don't know if letting her cry it out influenced her lack of trust.

However, I think that since your baby has free roam of his room that he has access to several ways to soothe himself. I agree about leaving once your night time routine id over. i.e. not staying in his room. I also think that he might try crying to get you back in the room.

I think that the way that SuperNanny handles this is a compromise between always responding and letting the baby continue crying. As I remember the parent responds in 5 minutes or so and gradually lengthens the amount of time before he/she responds. In this way the baby knows that the parent will respond while also giving the baby time to find a way to soothe themselves. You probably want too look this way up so that you'll be more comfortable with it.

I also like the idea of having a blanket/piece of cloth with the two of you while you're holding or nursing. Babies do respond to the scent of mother. My granddaughter hasn't chose just one "lovey." She chooses different stuffed animals frequently. She stick with one for a week or so and then moves on to a different one. She goes back and forth.

My grandson didn't have a lovey until his mother gave him a stuffed animal duck at Easter time when he was around 2. At that time my daughter started co-sleeping with both children in her king size bed. My daughter always gave Chase the ducky when they went to bed and he adopted it as his safety object. Perhaps that is why babies cuddle with stuffed toys. They are always there. It helps with the permanency issue.

My 8 yo grandaughter still sometimes wants something of mine to keep for a couple of days.
I think that the "something" associated with Mom could be a way of soothing themselves as well as it being a constant object to remind them that Mom is coming back.

Both grandkids had a musical toy that attached to the side of the crib. Because someone would come in and push the button to turn it on, I think, that they learned to push the button for themselves when they woke up. I remember a bit of fussing, perhaps some crying, and then I'd hear the music. The toy played music and had a "screen" in which fish moved around.

My grandkids have a small, maybe 8 inches tall, roundish shaped night light sort of thing (it's sold in the lamp section)that has plants and fish that swim around. I noticed last week that my grandson has taken it to bed with him and that he watches it while he falls asleep. He has difficulty actually getting to sleep but he fell asleep quickly while watching this. The lamp section also had a larger flat screen one.

I suggest that providing your baby with some objects that soothe might help him in learning how to soothe himself. I agree that the mats and pillows on the floor could also be soothing.

As a young adult I would sometimes wake during the night feeling quite anxious. I found that moving to the couch to sleep allowed me to get back to sleep. A change of location could do the same for a baby.

I agree with not letting a baby cry for long periods. But I also think that if we always respond to a cry we are training them to cry so that we will respond. At the same time I think that when anyone, especially a baby, cries inconsolably while alone we are not meeting their needs. When we are inconsolable we are feeling pain that needs attention. I have not been in a position to try out my ideas. They are mostly based on what I've remembered experiencing as an older child, what I've observed with my grandchildren and what I've read.

A comment that may be related to Montesorri education. Both of my grandchildren are great explorers. I've lived in my house for 30 years or so and have lots of things in it. My grandkids find things I haven't seen in years. They turn them into playthings.

The grandchildren also walk frequently with either their mother or myself. They are interested in the things that they see. They try out doing things. My granddaughter is a great tree climber. My stomach clinches as I watch her get higher and higher. I mostly don't intervene but I'm uncomfortable the whole time she's up there.

When she first started climbing up a tree she did seem apprehensive. I encouraged her by telling her that climbing can be scary but she is OK. She would climb perhaps 2-3 branches. This went on for several weeks and then she started adding another branch and then another branch over time.

I wonder if arranging the room so that a baby can learn how to soothe themselves is a similar sort of thing. And talking to them in a soothing voice reassuring them this is something that they will learn and you will always be there, etc., even tho they may not understand the words, they may feel the confidence that you have in them.

Letting our babies and then our children learn new skills even when the skills are difficult and cause us anxiety, is an important part of parenting.

Your baby will learn how to comfort himself by himslelf. This is an important skill to learn. You are helping him learn it.

Not being familiar with this parenting style I can't offer much but I do think that a good baby sleep CD would help you a lot. I played on for my son and it helped in two ways...first it masked other sounds which may wake him up when not in REM sleep and then it also stimulates the part of the brain that induces sleep. While it may not solve all of your issues, it may provide just enough relief that you don't have to compromise your parenting style with a crib or co sleeping. Good luck and let us know how it turns out!

I think babies need boundries... So I would use a crib if you aren't going to co-sleep.. He may feel totally unsure where his bed is if the room is like one big bed. Just like newborns like to be swaddled babies want to feel secure.

I personally support the idea that children need boundaries to feel safe and that he may be feeling over stimulated in such an open environment. With our son we chose to keep blankets, pillows and lovies out of the crib during sleep time until he was 12mo old because I worried about suffocation.

One thing that can cause babies to wake up at this age is teething. With my son, we gave him tylenol before bed time for a couple days while new teeth were breaking through.

One additional routine I would at is to use a diaper as a burping rag when you nurse, and when you put your son done use the same rag and put it under him. It will smell of you and it will be warm. It was a big hit for my kids.

I think your number three solution is the best solution. You and your husband will have to make up your mind and firm your attitude firmly before you do it.

Your 3rd option is the best. I'm a Montessori teacher and raised my son this way as well. You could put a a gate on his door at night so he wonders but only in his safe room. After he fall a sleep you can put his back in his bed. We did this and my son figured it out. Both of you just need to hang in there!

For my 14mo old, the difference between waking up at 4 and waking up at 7 is a bedtime snack, often nursing isn't enough. At 7 he will come into our room, nurse in bed with me, and then we all fall back asleep. It works really well for us. We're not co-sleeping all night, he still gets to nurse, and we all get a couple extra hours of sleep in the morning. We try to give some cereal or yogurt or something about an hour before bedtime. Then we do pajamas, brush teeth, story and songs and lights out. More often than not, he is still awake when I leave the room. That is true for naps as well. His crib is plenty big for rolling, standing, and crawling around in, and I know he is safe there. Its what works for us. I think Option 3 would work for you, from what I read of your situation.

We also have a bedtime bear (blanket w. head) that he's had since the beginning, though wasn't allowed to sleep with until 9 mo, when the doc gave the all clear to have stuff in the crib. I was terrified of suffocation and SIDS. He has a similar, but different, snugglebear for travel. I know he's tired when he starts walking around with his binky and bear. I hope you find something that works for you. Good Luck