The other day my daughter tells me she is not going to behave because i don't give her money. I told her she needs to behave and help because she lives in my house and she needs to respect me. That i do lots of things for her other than give her money.
After i thought about it for a while i realized everytime she goes to her dads she comes home with cash ranging form $5 to $10. Her grandpa gives it to her and her dad lives with him. Today she tells me her dads mom sent her $20.
To me they are buying her good behavior. She throws fits here and doesnt want to go because shes bored and says her dad doesnt do anything with her. I don't get it. I asked him to stop and he told me i need to be harder on her and start spanking her.
I find this to be funny because when we were together he didnt allow any spanking and rarely particiapated in punishing.
One time he sat on the floor playing with his paintball guns while my daughter talked back to me continuously not saying a word. When i told her to go to her room. He still sat there. I had to carry her to her room upstairs and i was 4 months pregnant. I fell comming down them and he still didnt care!! ANyways do you think his parents should be giving her money? SHes there all of 3 hours.
She shouldn't be asking for money for good behavior. Tell her to save her money so she can move out if she doesn't like your rules =)
Oh good grief.
I don't know how old your daughter is.
But...
Just tell your daughter, that her reason does NOT fly with you.
Point blank.
Tell her, that giving money to a child, like they do, is NOT.... the proper thing.
Tell her, you will NOT BE manipulated by her and that YOU KNOW, she is trying to manipulate you.
Tell her, it will NOT WORK.
Period.
TELL HER: You are her Mom. You do not do what others do, because you are your OWN person. You are not a "copy-cat." And she should know better.
Teach her, to KNOW herself, for who she is.
Tell her, you will NOT be manipulated by her Tantrums.
Period.
When my kids try and manipulate me, I tell them POINT BLANK "Mommy knows you are trying to fool me or get your way. You cannot fool me or boss me. I know, what you are doing. It will NOT work. You can scream and yell and tantrum. Go ahead. I will NOT work. If you want to scream or yell or tantrum, go ahead. I'm going to read my magazine now... tell me when you are done." And then I walk away.
Your daughter, has learned from them, to have a sense of 'entitlement' already. That is a bad attitude, to learn from adults, for a child.
Ha! Oh, that's almost funny!
Just make a list of all the things you do for her:
laundry
cooking
cleaning
driving her around
tucking in at night
reading stories
helping with/checking homework
taking her to the doctor
shopping (clothes/shoes/food)
pay the bills (electricity/water/rent/mortgage)
etc
Inform her since we're charging now for things YOU currently are not paid to do, she owes you money - big time.
Of course it's nonsense but she's got to realize in families a lot is done out of love and respect and no one gets paid for it.
It matters not how things are done at Dad's house - things do not work that way at your house.
Grandparents spoil - it's what they do, but you're her Mom not her Grandma.
Are you divorced? If so... there goes your "say" in rewards/normal goings on, unfortunately. They could give her thousands, as long as they're not abusing her, what they do in their time is as much their right as what you do in yours. Different houses, different rules.
Sucky answer, I know.
Although what you CAN do is insist that none of the money they give her comes with her to your house.
I would take the money from her and tell her she has to earn it back. Because in the real world you have to work to earn money. Then you will probably run into her hiding it from you, lol, it's not funny but I have a 7 yr old too, with a similar dad. I tell her if she wants to spend her money she has to do chores and I also show her things online that are at the local stores that she could get with her money to encourage her to save it. She does really well with saving now and with helping. If your daughter is doing the back talk thing make her pay you some of her money, like put it in a jar or whatever and tell her she lost it because of her attitude. If you be persistant she will stop bc they never want to lose their money. Good Luck!!!
My parents divorced when I was three and my dad's family always sent or gave me and my sister money. This wasn't because they were buying good behavior; it was a "treat," like candy or dessert. My mom didn't have a lot of money and we were told to use this for "fun" things, like books or McDonald's. My mom always made us put it in our savings account, which upset my dad's family to no end. (Today, my mom gives my sons money and fusses at me when I have them put it in their savings account. I find that very ironic! <g>)
So, to answer your question, SHOULD they be giving her money? If they want to, that's their choice. COULD they handle it better? Yes, absolutely. WILL they change because you ask? Probably not.
It sounds like your ex-husband's family is cultivating their very own spoiled princess and leaving you to deal with it. May I respectfully suggest that you check out "Parenting with Love and Logic," a great parenting technique for this kind of behavior. I also recommend child psychologist John Rosemond for your consideration (he's online). Love & Logic will give you some very practical tips on how to deal with your budding little princess and John Rosemond--who has a very 1950s approach to parenting (sans spanking) can give you some "big guns" solution. I've used both techniques with my sons very successfully. (Feel free to private message me for more details.)
Even at 3, your daughter is old enough to know there are a different set of rules for each household she stays at. Consistency is best, of course, but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen. Unfortunately for you, children need discipline and it sounds like you've been promoted to drill sergeant. I wish you all the luck in the world, dear mama. Hugs.
we give our kids money for chores - not good behavior.
how sad that she is now demanding money for good behavior...
No, I don't believe a child should get money for good behavior...it's a bribe and instead of actually learning to EARN money - she will expect it..
I realize she's young - but tell her if she doesn't like your rules, she is welcome to move out...my house. my rules.
Well, I suppose it depends...when I was a kid, I got a dollar from my grandmother every time we went to go visit her so I don't know if this is Grampa being a Grampa, or out-and-out bribery. But either way, that's no reason for her to misbehave with you. Kids whose parents are separated or divorced and have to go back and forth often have a difficult time with the transition and tend to act up at first when they are back in their primary home. I had a teacher tell me once that on Monday mornings she could tell which kids had spend the weekend with their dads because those would be the kids acting out when normally they didn't.
Just because your marriage is over doesn't mean you stop being parents or trying to be on the same page when it comes to raising your kids. I would tell your husband and his parents what DD is saying - about how she doesn't have to listen to you because she doesn't get money - and see what they have to say. DD might be playing the game of pitting one parent against the other - don't fall for it. Her dad needs to be backing you up.
A great book that I like a lot is "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." It's good for communicating better with your kids in general, but might be even more valuable during this difficult time.
Can you find a way to get her to earn some money if that is what she is after, rather than just having it handed to her? Extra chores, etc.? Or start taking away the money she gets from them (making her pay a "fine", so to speak) when she doesn't behave or listen for you. If she can earn money from them for "good behavior" (which I don't agree with at all, BTW) she can lose it from you for poor behavior.
Well her dad, grandpa, whomever can give her all the money they want, but if I were in your shoes, all that money would come to me. I would have a bank account for her and invest that money for when she really needs it. Now you didn't say how old she was, but it would seem she is a teenager.
As her M., teach her the basics of budgeting and re-inforce your rules about not bribing you for money in order to behave or do chores. Don't explain yourself and justify why you need to "ask her permission" to discipline her. You are the parent, and she should have consequences for her actions. She seem to be using you and that money issue to get out of doing anything. Tantrums are normal, it shows they have an opinion, but you still have to do what is best for her. Good luck.
The money thing with the grandparents is a grandparent thing my kids get money from there granparents all the time even there GG.. and it's for stupid stuff like I'll pay you to bring me a water bottle.. But as for the Dad sounds like he needs to step up & not be a child himself.. As for your daughter it does sound like she neds to understand that each houshold is different and maybe have dicipline conditions set more for behavior.. I do understand the whole you live here too but allownaces are also how they learn to handle responsibility & money.. everybodies houshold & chores for kids are handled differently... I would just focus on her andsitting her down & going over your rules for your home.. alot of kids play 1 parent against the other when they do not live toogether it's normal just let her know straight up you will not tolerate it from her..
Your daughter's parents are divorcing. This will affect you in many ways. You might be seeing one way now. So please keep that HUGE factor in her behavior in mind when she acts out.
Read Love and Logic. Get a solid hold on your parenting techniques so you can be firm in them. And remember LOVE is the first word of the title. They have some good ideas on money, chores and more.
Ask your ex to hold her money there. The money she "earns" there with her behavior can be spent while there. If he doesn't agree, tell her the money is null and void at your house. It works at Daddy's house, though! Since she is hardly there, it won't be as important or as useful.
