Moms of teens....need Some Advice on Surviving Another Teenager in the House!

Boys and girls I'm afraid. My oldest decided he was a teenager when he was 12, therefore the attitude came and hasn't left (He's 13 now, and his brother isn't far behind at 12). He doesn't isolate yet, but I think that's only because he doesn't get the opportunity. He has 5 brothers, basketball, homework (to be done at the dining table), and chores. That pretty much takes up all his time.
He does have moments of talking to me, but they seem far too rare. My trick with him has been to find out his love language (he's quality time) and capitalize on it. I take him out one on one to do something fun, that's when he feels loved and opens up a bit.

In my great grandparents generation they were married off at 15 years of age. Among California Native Americans when a girl hit puberty (first period) she was isolated for about three months. During her period she was buried (head out ) in hot herbs.
The tribes along the Eastern border with Nevada including the Achumawi held menstration dances where a girl had to prove she was strong the by dancing all night long when she had her period. Then in the morning her mother took her to the river to wash off and keep the boys away lest one steal her for a wife. This went on for 8 months and then she was married.
What's wrong is we have no rites of passage for our daughters and our sons and so we get the isolation treatment. They need to isolate and we provide nothing.
If you think confirmation is anything like a coming of age ritual I am LOL.

I believe all teenagers need some "alone time" each day. We don't have TV or computer in any bedrooms. The cell phones don't work in our house, so that's not a problem. If my teens want to use the computer, they have to use it in the family room. :-) The only phone is in the kitchen.

The other thing that we do is to turn the heat off - or way down - upstairs in the winter - it's expensive to run... The only heat source in the house is the wood stove in the family room. Trust me - if they want to be warm, they come downstairs and are part of the family. :-)

Every time my daughter gets scowly, I call her on it. I tell her that I don't need to see the face or put up with the attitude. My daughter rarely, if ever, gets scowly - and if she does it's usually because "Aunt Flo" has come to visit... I can remember a time when she was younger - maybe 12 - she gave me attitude and then wanted to go somewhere. I assured her that the answer was no because of her attitude. She thought about it and came back and apologized. She's never done that again... She learned.

The other thing I do, is to get them in the car. They will talk if you aren't looking at them. Ask leading questions about their friends, homework, teachers, whatever... You'll be amazed at the answers you get - just don't try to give advice unless they ask you for it... Let them talk...

I also hug my kids a lot - especially when they don't want me to. I tell them that it's my job and as Mom I can and I will. I am involved in their school activities. I am around. I take lots of pictures. I make myself available to them. They appreciate it - it takes a while, but they look around and see the same 10 parents doing it all and realize that they are the lucky ones...

So - I guess to sum it up it would be this:
All kids need alone time.
Kids need to be told when their attitude and behavior is unacceptable.
Parents need to remember that their kids don't need computers, TVs or phones in bedrooms. This alone would solve MANY problems.
Volunteer with your kids activities - if they are in band - help out. If they are in soccer - show up and help. The kids will tell you that they don't want you there - too bad! You need to be there. Get involved. Be available!

LBC

I don't have teenagers but my younger sister is 14 and she's the same way! My mom calls me on a daily basis and acts why my sister walks around with this "too cool for school" attitude and I tell her she just wants her space. she'll eventually grow out of it. My mom just learned to live with it and my sister will come around on her own time.

As long as she's not doing anything bad I say just let her be. my 14 yr old daughter is about 50/50 on wanting to spend time with me or watch her tv. All teens go through a period where they want to be away from family

hey your describing me at that age. dont knowwhy I did it other than mom was destroying my life or so i thought at that age. now having 3 teenage boys they do it too. enjoy the peace cause she will come out someday and you will want her to go back in her room upstairs :)

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I think that you will probably have to let it run its course. The real issue of concern is her being alone in the media room - If she is unsupervised, there is no telling (literally) where she is online, and there are both good and bad influences available online.

Debi, OMG!!! I just about peed my pants!! Bury him in the backyard and not regret it. HAHAHA I could have too, but mine is now in the Navy and I was so glad, but so sad to see him go, but am so proud of him.

I talk to my girls all the time. I homeschool my 13 year old so she hasnt' tuned me out yet. My 15 year old thinks she has to "take care" of me and everything I do. She likes to be in charge. She does sulk and hide out in her room but I go in and just talk to her about things she likes, her stupid sites.com website, her books, her music.

I also read a book called the 5 languages of love. It's about man/woman relationships but it applies to teens too. MIne likes words of affirmation and spending time with me so that is what I try to do.
My10 year old likes gifts and touch so I "gift" him lunch and a snack every so often. I also go upstairs and kiss him goodnight everynight and good morning every morning.
It helps to speak their love language.

LOL!! :) Yup -- normal.

Do the same thing you did with your first. I completely agree with you -- for girls, they go through it from about 13-16, and most of them seem to mature somewhere around 16. I've noticed it with other girls too.

Boys do it a little later. My youngest son is now 16, and I feel like you do. I sure miss that funny, talkative, adorable boy. But I know that really cool kid will return in a year or so (other people tell me how wonderful he is - lucky them).

There's really no way to address this behavior. As long as they're not rude -- it's just something you have to go through. My daughter was always the sweetest female on the planet, and I never thought she would become an obnoxious teenager -- but even she went through that aggravating phase. Don't worry, it will run its course.

OR, you COULD bury her in hot herbs.... LOL (see Laeh Maggie G's answer below.)

I have 3 daughters, 25, 21 and 18 and 2 sons 23 and 12 (will be 13 next month). I have had so much estrogen and testosterone flowing through my house for so long I don't know what normal is, LOL.

My girls did what you're saying, sulking, crying, 'no one understands me', 'my life is over'...all of it. My oldest son...there were times I could've very easily buried him in the backyard & not regretted it for a moment, LOL. But now he's an amazing young man, very protective of me (I'm going through a separation from their Dad), hard worker & realizes how awful he behaved back then. He marvels at the fact he's lived this long & apologizes from time to time about it. Good thing is he talks to his little brother about his attitude & tells him how he was & how wrong it was.

I am very close to my 21 daughter. She is married and has an amazing little 11 month old boy, Eli. Her husband is in the Navy & she has had to live with us to do surgery she had that took way to long to happen & now she's going through physical therapy. We have amazing talks, very frank, honest, loving, sometimes argumentative talks. My oldest and I love one another deeply but she has views vastly different from mine. And though I pray she 'comes around to my way of thinkin' I love her very deeply and we have great talks as well.

The 18yo is very quiet, but not afraid to talk to me and has been struggling wit her Dad leaving. It has actually drawn us closer together.

My youngest has Aspergers Syndrome and it has brought us very close together because I understand him so much. I have read everything about it, asked lots of questions, etc. He went through a horrible time of anger, screaming, throwing things, thinking we weren't his real parents, etc. when he was 10. I think it was his Aspergers coming to the forefront but I'm praying he alway went through puberty early. I don't know if I have it in me to go through that for the 5th time.

All I know is that you need to always let her know that your door is open, that you are a safe place to come to to talk, and that you love her no matter what. Leave her notes, that's what I did with all of mine. In fact one year for Valentine's Day I made them coupon books that had things like 'one free movie rental', 'hot chocolate with Mom', 'walk with Dad' and they STILL talk about that coupon book. Just take a deep breath, hold on, love her to death & know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It is normal :) I try to coax my older two out of their rooms all of the time. Sometimes it works... sometimes not so much. I usually go in a sit on their bed and joke with them. They don't seem to mind that so much. We straighten each others hair, paint nails, listen to music, watch their silly videos, put on sparkly eyeliner, sneak midnight snacks... but there still is the occasional times i can tell they just want their space. Mine are 15 and 14 in two weeks. I don't take it personal. The teenage years are so interesting. One minute i am still cool and the next i get the ugh faces. Someday we will miss this. They are already a blink away from adults :(