Moms of Teenagers Who Have a Good Relationship with Their Kids

Hi Yvette-

I wish more parents were focused on this issue at an early age, instead of being shocked and unable to cope when their teenagers rebel against them and get into trouble when it's too late. I was one of those kids and I am doing everything I can to make sure I don't make the same mistakes my parents did.

Every kid gets in trouble, that's life. Every teenager is going to keep secrets, that's what they do. Every teenager is going to tell their friends things they don't tell you. My point is I think (and I'm no expert) that there are some things we can't control.

I am a single Mom for five years of a 14-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. We are very close and the kids are doing great emotionally, physically, academically and socially. Here are a few things I suggest, only because I have personally seen the rewards already:

1. Be "the house" - be the place all the kids come to hand out, play video games, raid the snack drawer, do homework, have sleepovers, etc. You get to know the friends and families (which is mandatory) and you ge to be there for the fun with your kids, which brings you closer.

2. Have a family motto. Ours is "always go the extra mile" and they have seen me practice it (example is the only thing that really counts), and as they run into situations in life, doing a little extra has given them a real sense of self and achievment. It unifies you in so many ways and helps with issues like being/having good friends, homework, behavior, chores, etc.

3. If they ask the question, they are old enough to get an honest answer (in words they can understand). Sex, drugs, religion, money, whatever. That is the only way they know they can really trust that you will be honest... if you ARE honest. Make sure they are never unpleasantly surprised or terribly embarassed in sex ed, on the ball field, in the classroom, on a date, in the locker room, etc. Talk to them, but listen even better!

4. Always encourage them make their own choice (and give them lots of them). You don't go to school with them and that is where they get 90% of their info and influence so the stronger decision makers they are, the more confident you can be that they are staying out of trouble, which means less third degree (which is the fastest way to turn a teen against you).

5. Make sure they know what the expectations and consequences are and do not waiver, unless there are circumstances that really warrant it. Pick your battles wisely so when you do have to dish out consequences, they know they deserved it.

6. Hang out with them... even if it is at a heavy metal concert! Play video games with them, share an iPod or whatever it is. Make a habit of dating your kids. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it does have to be fun, one-on-one quality time.

7. Bring them along to adult stuff and your life in general (when appropriate). Your life should not be a mystery. They need to see you in action, interacting with friends, clients, etc.

8. Never judge them or their friends.

9. Laugh as often as possible.

10. Let them get to know the REAL you.

Blessings to you and your family!
R.

Hi Yvette,

I am 47 and divorced with an 18 year old son. I left my son's father when my son was not quite 2 years old. My son has a relationship with both of us, however, he comes to me with a lot of his problems, issues, desires, etc. He rarely talks to his Dad about important issues, because his Dad has a tendency to hear one thing and then go off on a parental rampage of why that's not smart, etc.

Someone I trust gave me GREAT advice when my son was 3 years old, they said answer all questions your child asks honestly and be careful to only answer the question they asked. If you get into a long drawn out explanation of the answer you gave, kids will tune out and think twice about asking you anything next time.

If your child wants to talk, JUST LISTEN. If they ask your opinion, of course you can give your honest opinion. However, if they are not asking for your opinion, don't give it! I believe these talks are tests, your children are testing whether or not you really listen to them or just hear a couple things and start in on a life lesson.

Be available when they want to talk. This one is a little trickier. Let's say you are in the middle of something and one of your children comes to you and wants to play a game or talk about their day, the natural thing is to say, just let me finish this and in 5 minutes we can do that or talk. BIG MISTAKE, in five minutes what your child wanted to talk to you about will no longer be at the forefront of his/her mind and/or your child will have moved on to some other toy or game. It is extremely important to put down what you are doing and be with your child. This teaches your children that they can always come to you and you will be there for them and you cannot start this too soon.

My son never wanted to "talk" when I asked him questions. Example, let's say I just picked him up from school and asked "How was your day." His answer would usually be fine or something nondescript like that. However, later when he was in the bath or just before bed he would just start talking to me about his day. So eventually, he usually answered whatever questions I may have asked him, just on his own timeline.

I also learned the following from my own 3 brothers. In their opinion, their mom, (my mom too), asked dumb questions and they would get aggravated. My mom was just curious about their lives, etc. Anyway, my brothers came up with a slogan, If my mom asked a dumb question, rather than get aggravated, they would just say, "Mom, that's a DMQ." (dumb mother question)

When I noticed my own son getting aggravated when I asked questions, I explained that I was just curious about his day, his date, whatever. Then I told him the story about his Uncles and his Grandma, (my mom and brothers). I then gave my son permission to use the same phrase, "Mom, that's a DMQ.", instead of getting upset with me.

Hope this helps,

J. Penfield
www.livetotalwellness.com/J.
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I congratulate you for being proactive in your parenting!! I have a 16 yr old and 11 yr old and my husband and I have a great relationship with them. My 16 yr old has come to us with pretty much everything from girl spats to boyfriends and "how far is too far". You are right in that it starts when they are young. One thing my husband and I did was to make sure that we allow them to talk about anything. Even when they are young it can be something as simple as why they don't like what they are wearing. We always let them know that anything they say, also, is safe with us. If they say that grandma smells funny, we never ran to tell her such...no matter how funny it might be!

Also, be aware that one or both of your kids may be able to talk to your husband easier than to you. Even though I have two girls, my 16 yr old is more like her dad and so she will go to him before she'll talk to me. I had to really work on not resenting that....after all I am the mom! LOL

One other thing to remember is that you are still the parent, but sometimes it helps for them to see you "vent" as well. Sometimes our kids only see us in the ideal mode. I don't try to burden them with my problems, but I have let my kids know from time to time that I'm struggling with something and I don't know what to do....or that I know what I should do, but I'm really tempted to do something else! Of course, all of this is easier when there is a lot of positive reinforcement to your kids for doing the right things....and lots of hugs to let them know they are always safe with you.

If you want to discuss anything further with me, PM me or we can email. Again, I applaud you for starting so early to create an open communication between you and your kids! I believe you'll be so blessed!!

Best wishes,
K.

I am happy to say I do. I have a 19 year old son, who I raised by myself until he was 10, and a 6 year old daughter. I never felt close to either of my parents, but my son and I have a great relationship. He has always come to me with problems and so have his friends. I was 19 when I had him, so it was easy for me to remember what it was like to be whatever age he was. What seemed to work for me was always be honest, be your childs friend, but let them know that everything they do has a concequence. I know a lot of parents who are friends with their kids, but not parents to their kids and then when the kids act up they can't figure it out. It is a balance. They have to know that you'll be there if you need them, but that they repect you enough that they don't want to disappoint you by making bad choices, drugs and such. Make sure they know life has boundaries. I also made my son buy his own car and pay his own insurance. They have to realize that everything in life is not handed to them. It also makes them take care of what they have, if they have to work to pay for the money to buy it.
Thinking about it now is good while they are still young. The balance was easier with my son. My daughter can already be somewhat of a drama queen.

Hi Yvette,

I always had an open relationship with my parents and I've been worrying about the same thing with my kids as you. I don't know how my parents were so approachable. I think they knew when to back off and when to step in. They wern't overly strict and gave us their trust until we gave them reason to take it away. They never pushed us to do anything we didn't want to do and they let us be who we wanted to be as long as we wern't hurting ourselves or anyone else. My mom is my best friend and my dad and I are also very close. I'm very close with both my brothers as well and I love it and I want the same thing for my family. If you come across any good advice, please be sure to share. I have a 4 year old son and a 1 year old son and I want them to be comfortable with me.

Good luck,

N.

Well I don't have any teenagers (yet, thank God!) but my husband and I were talking about this as well. We both have very good relationships with both of our parents. The main staple is communication and understanding. Don't forget you were a teenager once and how things that seem unimportant to us now were such a big deal back then. I talked to my mom about everything. But she was my mom first, friend second so don't get that role confused. Too many kids have parents that just want to be their friends. Don't be too strict b/c even if they follow your rules in high school, once they go to college they'll go crazy with their new freedom. Give them room to express themselves and a bit of privacy.
Good luck (we'll all need it!!).

As somoene who had a pretty good relationship with her parents - I think that the advice provided below is excellent.

One neat idea that I did hear about recently was to provide your kids with two other adults (not you or your husband) that are allowed to act on your childs behalf without having to tell you or your husband. The idea is that while we all hope and pray that our kids will come to us - it doesn't mean that they will; these adults can guide and help your child if they are in trouble but don't want to come to you directly.

Just a thought.....

I read an article in FamilyFun magazine this month. A father would take his kids out seperately and do things with them that they liked to do. He was wondering if the kids were getting to old for some of the things, and wrote them each a letter asking them what things they would like to do with him they have not done.

They all wrote back with different things, and even stated they wanted to continue with the traditional things they have been doing.

I thought this was great. My husband has started a hot dog Sunday with my 3 girls. They take turns going out on a Sunday ( each to a differnt place) for a hot dog. The girls really love this.

There was also some ideas from other parents. One was that each of her kids had a night to choose what was for dinner, and would shop and help cook the meal. This is something I am going to start with my girls.

Just some ideas, I too fear the teem years with my girls. I want them to be able to come to me with anything, and you have to be able to let them know that if they get in trouble they can always call you.

I have 2 girls, 10 and 14. When they were little we talked, talked and talked some more, and we still do. I told them over and over that it is so important that they tell me everything, so that I could fix what ever hurts or whats bothering them and if I couldn't fix it I would find someone who could. Today, they come home and tell me everything that has happened in their day, both the good and the not so good. And, I told them if they should do something wrong that it's just as important to tell me that too, we all make mistakes. Respect and trust is key and to never lie. I don't mean tell them everything, just what you feel is acceptable for their age at the time. They must also respect and trust you and this you can earn early on in their little lives. What has also helped me and my oldest would be the first to repeat this. I'm not a best friend, I'm Mom. The lady who loves you, won't judge you and will always be their for you.

I have a 16 year old boy and a 13 year old girl. I have always been honest with them for what I feel they can handle. Yes, they know that I have tried pot and that their Dad has not. Do they know everything that I have done? NO! That I will save until they are older. When they ask me the tough questions I give them a simple but straight answer. They seem to feel as though they can ask me anything. Empathise with them more than lecture them. Use alot of humor, at this age I do not tease unless it is a very obvious silly thing. Their egos can't handle it. I know they keep some things from me, but that is part of growing up. I pray for them and they know it. Try to enjoy the physical exhaustion that come with little ones, It becomes mental exhaustion as teenagers!

Hi Yvette,
My name is G. I also had a bad relationship with my father my mom died when I was young. I have 3 kids now and two of them are teenagers. I have a great relationship with my kids and they can talk to me about anything. The way I did it was I was always open and honest with my kids when something came up in my life that they had questions about. For example how did your mom I waited till they were old enough and then I told them the story as I knew it because I was young the hole event is a little foggie. If I ever told they couldn't do something or go some where with someone I told them why. I don't trust the person you are going with or I don't like the way the parents treat there kids. My kids have had a pretty good life but we have been through alot togeather and they respect me for always putting my foot down and being honest with them when they have questions. If you are open and honest with your kids they will do the same for you. In most cases.
hope this helps have a nice day. G.

I share your concerns. I have two 3 year olds, and remember how poor my relationship was with my mother when I was a teen. I have no experience with teens at this time but will share some of my ideas. One of the reasons my mom and I had a poor relationship was lack of talking (especially about the important things like sex, drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, etc). Another was lack of involvement in my life. I wasn't encouraged to do sports (I was allowed but it was something I did on my own.) I'm going to be involved, and talk a lot to my kids, ask a lot of questions about their life, keep up w/ what homework they have, encourage sports, have their friends over at our house so I can see who's who and learn about them, and just work the relationship. I have a couple of friends who have older kids now out of the house and they both have great relationships with their kids and they talk talk talk to them ALL the time. But just as important they listen. Hope it helps!

Hi Yvette,

Awesome question! I'm loving reading all of the responses!

I'm reading a really great book right now that I wanted to share. One of my good friends is reading it too and we get together every week and discuss it. It's called "Parenting the Way God Parents: Refusing the Recycle your Parents Mistakes" (http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Way-God-Parents-Refusing/...)

It's a really great book that's opened my eyes and really got me thinking about how I was raised. Now I can decide what I liked that my parents did and things that I would like to do differently. It also talks about values that I would like to instill in my kids and how to go about teaching them what's important in our lives.

I am a 45 year old mom with a pretty decent relationship with my kids. They were never into drugs, drinking, gangs or that type of trouble.
I have always been honest with my kids. Never lied to them or tried to protect their feelings. Of course, I wasn't brash neither. I always explained things to them so they would understand. I encouraged them to be forthright and honest with me and to talk to me about anything. It was hard because I wanted to tell them things about my life, but, I LISTENED to what they had to say and I didn't judge them for how they approached things. I encouraged them to make decisions and I talked with them about how and why they chose what they did. My children (now 24, 20, 18) still come to me with problems and issues. We have a very open relationship. I am glad that I never tried to hide things from them and that I was open and honest with them from the beginning. It has helped prevent a lot of "trouble" in the long run. I'm not saying my kids are perfect. Oh no. They have made some doozy of mistakes. But it's how you handle those speed bumps in life that create the bond of trust needed for such a relationship. Good Luck Yvette with your little ones.

I have the same situation. My parents were very distant and I could not turn to my mom about anything. Fortunately, they set a good example. I didn't always make good choices and I must have had a guardian angel looking over me, but I turned out ok and now I have 4 kids of my own. The oldest is 14 and starting to act like the typical teenager where friends come before family. She has been a very good kid her whole life. I am not sure if we are doing it right...since they don't come with a handbook, but she will tell her friends that her mom is her best friend and she tells my husband and I everything. There have been times when she has told us things that I wasn't sure I was ready to hear, but I never tell her that. I let her come to me with whatever she needs to. I think it's a lifelong thing. I started our open relationship when she was young. I have always been very affectionate with her and have always told her that there is nothing she can't tell me. We have talked about sex for a long time and I have always been open with age appropriate discussion with her and answered any questions she may have had. We talked about puberty long before it started and I can tell she enjoys that discussion time because she seems to eat it up and not want the conversation to end. She has told me that she is not ready for anything more than a kiss from a boy and she has broken up with boyfriends based on them pushing her for more than she is ready for. It's a fine line between being their friend and being their parent and I am sure I have made my share of mistakes. So far, she seems willing to come to me no matter what the problem and that is something I could NEVER have done with my mother. Hope this is helpful. Good luck! -K.

I don't have any teenagers, but I had a great relationship with my parents. My dh did not.

I've read a lot of books and a few really popped out as the way my parents raised me. And it seems they are similar to what some of the replies you've gotten here are.

I would give these two books a read. I got the first at my local library, I bought the second online. I'm including the authors websites because they each have articles there that you can read and get a feeling for what they are about.

"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.html

"Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort
http://www.authenticparent.com/

I don't have teenagers yet, so my advice is really just speculative, but I think it starts with earning their respect. I know it sounds bizarre, but really, if you respect your parents and their decisions, you are going to trust them for advice. One thing my husband and I are careful of is what kind of rules and bounderies we set for our child (soon to be children). We try so hard not just to have rules for the sake of having rules. We've already caught ourselves telling our son no to something only to stand there and say, "wait a minute, why." Rules and bounderies should make sense and you should be able to give yourself a reason other than 'just because.' Also, be willing to listen to your children and value their opinions. Consider their objections and don't just shut them out because 'you know better.'

I am a mom of a now 20 yr old son and a 17 yr old daughter, both of whom I have an excellent relationship with, both of whom have not given me an ounce of worry. I know I am blessed. As to how this came to be, I have no magic formula. I know I pray for my kids every day, I also know that most days include family dinner. I know that when my kids come to talk to me, I stop what I am doing and listen. Due to financial constraints, my kids were limited to one "extra" activity (my son chose scouting, my daughter usually chose a dance class) so we were spared the over scheduling that is a feature of family life for so many. As for whether my own history played into this, I'm not sure. My mother died when I was 13 which sent my dad into such a depression that he was unavailable to this children. He had been distant for some years before that as well.

I think it is great that you are asking this question now and not waiting to try to figure this out when you son is 12. I hope the answers you receive head you don the right path.

K.

Be honest!!! Being honest with your kids is the first step. My son was arround three and he did something stupid. I was real anger with him. We were discussing it. When the little person looked up at me and said "but I am trying to tell you my side." Communication is a two way street. You have to talk and listen. You have to be clear about what you expect and want. Then you have to listen to there wants and needs. Children must learn and see hardship inorder to be good adults.

My first son and I talk about everything together. He even calls me with dating problems.

My second son told me a truth that will cause us both suffering for ever. It does not involve our actions. I will tell you it is something children normally do not disclose.

I told them when I was told I had cancer. I had already decided to live. But when I heard my boys pain over maybe losing me I began to really fight.

I am not perfect. They are not perfect. I do not run thier lives. They do not run mine. Be involved but do not smother. Encourage do not push.

Tell your kids what happened to you and tell them you want to help them so they will not be alone in life. Tell them even if you have to find a nutural party to help answer the questions you will.

As for drugs and sex show them every day by your actions what you believe. Also verbalize what you believe. My son hate cigeratte smoking because he knows I am asthma and it smells bad. He also knows how I feel about drugs.

Good Luck