Moms of Bullied Kids, What Really Works? 2Nd Grade

I have been having kids over and showing them a great time. I am hoping it will translate into friendships. The school tolerates way too much, but they talk a good game. We are finally moving and I look forward to a break.

What worked for my daughter was teaching her how to "call the bullies out" on what they are doing. This involved lots of playacting, as we pretended to be the bullies and she practiced what she would say and do.

Basically we taught her to pick out the leader, and say to them (in front of everyone) "What would make you do such a mean thing and exclude me right now?" and then turning to the others and saying "how can you all let this happen?"

Bullies count on the person they are being mean to NOT standing up for themselves, and not saying anything. They also pick on those that they are afraid of--girls who are pretty, or smart or are leaders. They want to keep that child down. What they do NOT like is being confronted with what they are doing.

My daughter is older (9) and this approach has worked in the past when she was in first grade. The bully never bullied her again. However, we do homeschool her now and I have to say we haven't had any trouble with bullying in her homeschool group. Those kids are so nice and accepting of each other!

Not saying homeschooling is the answer, of course.

Martial Arts is a good way to increase her confidence.

It's not her fault she is being picked on. Perhaps she could join some other activities and make new friends?

Honestly the only way to make a bully stop is to stand up to them. You can correct and discipline a bully it's not going to change what they are and it's only going to tick them off more. You teach her how to stand up for herself with words to start but I'm sorry if someone hits my child I don't expect my kids to sit there and take it. My oldest was miserable for the last 2 years he just took and this kid didn't care any chance he got bus, sports, during class, etc he tourmented my son for no reason my son had enough the day he was given a fat lip my son gave him a black eye it's been 2 months now and the bully hasn't so much looked at my son wrong. It's sad but that's what it takes. If it's verbal teach her how to stand up for herself that way if it's physical she needs to fight back yeah she may get in trouble at school but once a bully knows you will fight back they don't bother you because you are no longer an easy target.

for those whose mothers apparently told the child not to play with your daughter, I would ask the moms - You really have nothing to lose, and you may discover what is underlying this and provide your daughter with a way to cope with this, or perhaps turn it around. You should consider going above the teacher's head - Particularly if this seems to only be occurring in the playground during recess. Again, can't hurt, might help.

Sadly, even though most schools do have a zero tolerance policy for bullying, they all do basically nothing when it happens. It happens daily. I have a child who gets bullied EVERYDAY, and basically has been for his entire school career. He is in third grade. I have gone to the school, changed his school 2 times, and spoken to parents. I have done the playdates in the hopes of striking up solid friendships to help him with confidence and maybe that would keep the bullys at bay, had the big birthday parties and invited the whole class, (you actually have to), and they all come, but don't even play with him and next day are back to being mean. There is no good answer. To top it off, my son is not your "average" child. He is special needs. It is a bit more difficult with him, because to look at him, you cannot tell that he is special needs. It's not obvious, so you would expect him to be just like any other child his age. (nine) It isn't until you spend some time with him, or put him in a situation where he is pressured and treated badly, and he then does not act in an age appropriate way. He has a slight speech delay. It's not as noticeable anymore. He has come very far. His social delays have all but gone away, meaning he is almost at grade level, but not quite age level. (he should be in 4th grade) So, he is still SLIGHTLY delayed. He is very sensative, and had OCD. It doesn't effect his life at school except for how he does his work and how his desk looks. he can play and interact with the kids just fine........ if they let him. He has a medical problem that causes involuntary muscle movements at times, and it happens rarely because he is medicated. It happened at school ONCE. The kids who saw this, are cruel. They have never stopped teasing him about it. It looks similar to parkinsons, and he cannot control it. (almost like a seizure) He does have 2 friends at school. He has friends out of school. It's ALWAYS the older kids who bully him. NOT his classmates. They catch him in the cafeteria at breakfast, or the pick up line at the end of the day. They WAIT for him. He has gone to out of school activities, and some of these kids have been there, and once they find him there, they spend all of their time waiting for him, or looking for him to pick on him. I have stopped it before, but only for a short time. I have no suggestions for you. If you get it sorted out, or get any good advice, please pass it on. I will be watching your responses. This drives me crazy! My son is an amazing little boy! He is smart, handsome, funny, and a great friend. He is talented, and fun to be around. I cannot understand it. It breaks my heart. :(

I agree with the others-she needs to learn how to fight back with whatever it takes. And your school is not doing enough about it if it is allowed to go on daily. I would raise a huge fuss about this. Put a presentation together about the harm of bullying and take it to the school board to try to get your district to go zero tolerance. There is a ton of info out there. Look at the Olweus site for a start.

Homeschooling . . . nicer kids, nicer parents, and a much nicer way to be educated if it's done properly.

If it were me I would not allow her to stay in that environment. Children don't have the coping skills to deal with that type of harassment - and that's exactly what it is. Many adults can't handle it. We would not work in a toxic atmosphere or hang around toxic people - why should kids have to 6-7 hours per day? I've seen bullying change kids for the worse, and sometimes the effects take a long time to un-do.

JMO.

PS: I realize not everyone can or should homeschool. Just giving you my humble opinion . . .

You don't have to be weird to get bullied. Most kids get bullied because they care too much about what other kids think of them. Other kids can really sense when a child is sensitive. The main thing to stop bullying is to raise a child with confidence.

Being pushed down by another child, though, is completely unacceptable. This must be addressed with the principal, school counselors, the parents of the child who did the pushing and the child and you and your daughter. A meeting should be set up with all the above. Most schools, I thought, have 0 tolerance policy to bullying. When your daughter gets older, she will end up handling situations like this mostly on her own. But for now, you need to be her advocate.

Your daughter needs to gain more confidence. I've found things like Tai Kwon Do, or Karate can help with this.

I spent my childhood studying that which made me a bully magnet. The problem is I don't think any child who is bullied is capable of making the changes needed to prevent bullying. I actually scared the carp out of a psychologist when I described my analysis and actions when I was a child.

In a nutshell parents can't help. Even if they spend every moment up at the school all you are doing is protecting when you are there, there is nothing to protect them when they are on their own. Other parents do not like to be faced with the fact that their children are enablers so they will start to resent you and your child when she is at birthday parties.

Bullies are attracted to those that will not fight back. They are actually more scared than anyone else that someone will pick on them. They make the first move to protect themselves. All it takes to make a bully back off is a well place quip that embarrasses them. Problem is whit cannot be taught.

If you want to deal with a bully you have to make someone else a better target. :( Other parents don't want their child to become that target which is why you get the she can't play with you. It is sad but true.

My daughter is in 4th grade and being bullied on the school bus. Day after day she comes home in tears.
Sadly there is only so much teachers can do...kids can be so mean, what makes me even more sad is when we used to live at a duplex complex I was able to speak to some of the parents of the children who were being mean and the parents attitude is no better....I got the whole "kids will be kids" line and the shrug....what can ya do? SIGH....sadly my daughter does not want me to go to the principal or her teacher. I encouraged her to just ignore them and try not to let them get a rise out of her, bullies do tend to get bored if they don't see someone as a "victim" Empower your daughter from this young age to stand up for herself and heap on the positive....I fear for our children growing up in this world full of kids that are not being parented in classrooms that are so large the teacher is oblivious.

I know exactly what you are going thru. When my daughter was in the 1st grade, some of her "good and best" friends started treating her very badly. She came home almost every day crying. I talked to her and finally told her it was not her fault and I would talk to her teacher, again to make it stop.
When I spoke with the teacher, I insisted on a meeting at school with the other parents. She didn't want to do this, of course, so the teacher finally talked to the parents of the worst offenders.
I got a call from a couple of them apologizing for their daughters behavior and was promised it would stop. It did. Make sure you let the teacher know that you have no problem asking for a meeting with the principal and your School Board Member. If your School Board Member is not present, then nothing is put in the teachers file. The teacher will sit up and take notice if you mention School Board Member being present.
Good luck to you and your daughter. I wish all parents would put their foot down and take up for their children. Bullies are really just big old babies that need bringing down a few pegs.
W.

The teacher can't see and hear everything that goes on at recess. Girls tend to be more sneaky when they are being mean because it is often verbal. Boys are usually more noticeable because it is usually physical in nature.
Couple suggestions. First, ask the counselor to meet with your daughter and discuss what is going on. She needs to tell her how to deal with this type of thing because unfortunately, there will always be mean kids. Then ask the counselor if she would meet with all of the girls involved including your daughter to discuss the issue. I don't think you need to be at the group meeting. See if this solves the problem.

Tell your daughter that she isn't allowed to play with this group/individual at recess, even if they ask. Tell her to say something like I'm going to play with Suzy today but thanks for asking. Tell her NOT to say my mom said I can't play with you. That way she sounds confident and capable of having fun without them. Then there is no pulling her away to play just to ultimately exclude her.

If this stuff continues talk to their parents. If the "mean" girls go to your church, you probably know their parents. Talk to them and explain what is going on. Most likely the girl who said she wasn't allowed to play with your daughter wasn't telling the truth.

I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with this. Sometimes our first instinct is to jump in there and solve our kids problems for them. We need to teach them what to do and let them try to handle it on their own.

Bullying is serious and you cannot take it lightly. At an elementary school nearby me, a child hung himself because he was being bullied. Parents if your child is telling you that they are being bullied and you have done all of the neccessary things like (go up to the school and talk to the principal) but your child is still being bullied, dont stop there. You have to put an end to this problem. Once I had a problem with my 10 yr old being bullied on the bus. I dont play when it comes down to my kids. The first thing I always tell my kid to do is to tell the bus driver. But it didnt work. So of course I went to the bus and told my daughter to point the kid out. The bus driver called the kid to the front of the bus. I asked the child why was he doing it and I told him that he better not do it again. Didnt have anymore problems. Im not suggesting you do that, but this is what works for me. I had another similar problem with my older daughter. We did all of the neccessary things, didnt work so I had to do it my way. Didnt have anymore problems. I didnt threaten the kids, all I did was ask them why they were doing it and told them to stop. But I had a serious face and tone to my voice which let kids know this is not a jokeing situation. Again, Im not suggesting you do this, but it works.

I am not sure anything works anymore.

I have notice a lot of school "taking a stand against bullying" but really they do nothing. All they do is put up posters and talk about how it is wrong. But they always seem to turn a deaf ear when it is really happening. I think majority don't see it as bullying. They see it as kids changing there minds and not wanting to play the game that was agreed upon. They see it as an opportunity for the kids to work it out on there own.
The main thing I have noticed and it is even absent from the posters......NO one apologizes and admits the mistake.

Pushing a child down is bullying, and totally unacceptable. The rest of it? Honestly it sounds to me a lot like kids learning how to navigate social groups, which is a skill your daughter will need in life. Not everyone will be her friend, and that's ok. The teachers are stretched thin; if things are under control in the classroom and not interfering with learning then you need to equip your daughter with tools to deal with the playground. Tell her to refuse to play with them on the playground. When they ask politely say no thank you; if she's not playing with them or interested in playing with them she can't be excluded.

Talk to the counselor about having a lesson in the classroom with all the kids. Our counselor did that with my daughter's class and the kids learned about "filling each other's cups" with kindness. It definately helped. Since the other kids are bringing their moms into it have a talk with them. Tell them what you are hearing from your daughter and get their side of it - there are always at least two sides to a story, and with multiple little girls there are bound to be multiple sides.

Most of all, relax. This is typical grade school girl drama, and they need to learn how to work it out for themselves. When I was a kid my mom jumped right in the middle of every disagreement, usually by forbidding me to play with the other kid. As a result I never learned to resolve conflicts with people; to this day I struggle with standing up for myself and working through conflicts with people I care about, my natural tendency is to drop the relationship and run. My mom truly did me a disservice by not allowing me to fight my own battles. I guide my kids, I give them advice, but at the end of the day it's up to them to learn how to get along with others. Unless of course there is true bullying going on, in which case I would be all over it.

Have your daughter go right up to the parent and ask that parent straight up why her kid said what she said to your daughter. Make sure it is in privacy and make sure the bully is present. Your daughter is asking you why and you don't have the answer, so go to the person/people who do have the answer.

With all of the issues on bullying in schools I'm really surprised that your school isn't doing more about it, especially at the 2nd grade level! I would definitely discuss your concerns with the building principal so that they can get started on an action plan, I wouldn't feel like you were going over the classroom teacher's head...she could probably use and welcome the outside help!