Moms of Autistic Children - Saint Charles,MO

My son loves pretty much everything normal kids love.

Did she say she was actually jealous or was it a comment that he hugs you more. I ask because Andy will hug anyone if they let him. If she is letting that get to her she must be miserable or doesn't notice how much he hugs her. Maybe it is the greeting. Andy gets excited when people come over, a lot more than when he gets home from school and sees me. That doesn't mean he loves them more or even wants to be around them more, it is just because they are different, new.

As with all children, what to get him for his birthday depends on what his interests are. My grandson is autistic and he has the same sort of likes as "regular" kids.

My grandson also loves to hug. I suggest that when he hugs you, you remind him to also hug his mom. Say something like, now it's Mom's turn for a hug." or "your mom would like a hug too." Or you could evens say, "please give your mom a hug, too." He's still learning when to hug. He knows to hug you because you're new to the scene.

If you're worried about the mom feeling upstaged and you don't know what to get, then how about a gift card to the toy store? He can pick out what he wants and his mom can take him.

I do not know the extent of his needs, but I'm sure he likes many things the same as all little boys do. Good luck! I'm sure more Moms will have great ideas.

My son has autism and he sometimes will sit in laps or hug people I don't expect. For example, a neighbor who we've rarely seen came over the other night and my son kept going to him and sitting on his lap. My son was drawn to him for whatever reason. The man held him (he is 9-so this is not neurotypical behavior) and spoke to him. My son also draws away from some people. Just like all of us neurotypical people we like or are drawn to some and not to others. These kids may not know the social graces of how to appropriately express that. Also my son goes through phases where is is obsessed with specific things. Now it is cars and taking pictures, last year it was markers and notebooks. So ask the mom what he likes for his birthday.

I would definitely say get him what you know he likes or ask his mom. As a mom to a five year old autistic boy I much prefer people ask what he would like instead of just assuming he needs an autism specific toy. (Not that there really is such a thing, all toys are for all kids!)

Definitely look into what he likes to play with and get him something along those lines. If the mom expresses something not to get him please listen to what she says. It bugs me to no end when people buy something I specifically say not to get my son. This is not because I am ungrateful but rather because if I ask them not to get something specific it is because 1) my son cannot play with it, or 2) it is not something he will play with and it just sits there.

I'm a mom to an Autistic 8 yo. For the most part, my son enjoys the same age appropriate toys as other kids his age (he's high functioning.....now) however, with that said, like majority of autistic people, they do get fixated on certain things that hold their interest. If I was you, I'd send a quick email/text/call to his mom and let her know your family would like to get her son a gift and ask what types of things he's into. If he loves to doodle, maybe a new doodle pad full of blank paper and in my sons case a set of Angry Birds pencils (it's the fascination at my house right now). Or, if he likes to build, maybe some of the new Lego Hero Factory guys. Also, my son has recently discovered iTunes gift cards as he can use them to buy more "eagles" on Angry Birds:)

As far as her son wanting to give you more hugs, his mom should be extremely proud that he is learning to love outside of his own family. My son has anxiety around other adults and kids outside of our family, I wish he'd show more loves to those who come around frequently. I think an amazing thing you could do for your friend since you are so supportive (which is hard to find, I could only wish I had a supportive friend), is to hand write her a letter expressing how well she has D. to open her sons eyes to the world. Let her know how much you appreciate her example and that you hope she can always lean on you for support. Sometimes us moms of Autistic kids need to know there is non-judgemental people in our lives, even when we are so pre-occupied we are missing it. Let her know too that it's an awesome thing that her son is showing affection towards you so maybe you can relieve her to go out with her husband or even to just shop alone for a couple of hours knowing he'd be in good hands with you.

There are many stores that sell toys and therapy items for special needs kids. I'd do a yelllow page or google search and see where the nearest one is, and get her a gift certificate. That way she can control what is purchased and use it as she pleases. She sounds a little controlling, and if she's jealous, no matter what you'd pick out, she'd be threatened. So go with something very utilitarian and practical. There's no winning with people like this...and sadly in time, if she doesn't get over this, she may just distance from you. So I have found with folks like this, just keep maintaining healthy boundaries so they can't vent on you is the best approach. And even then, if she's hypersensitive enough, she may still find a reason to point a finger. So be resolved to just accept that there may be no pleasing or consoling her.

She's dealing with alot H.. Many adoptive parents are extra protective in the beginning...worried that they won't bond with the child or vice-versa. Then there's issues of bonding with some parents of autistic kids. Depending on their condition, some autistic kids are devoid of emotion or reading emotions and showing affection. It has nothing to do with their feelings about people, but more to do with their condition. Just because he hugs one person and not another doesn't mean he's not bonding with them, but sometimes, people have a hard time understanding the mind of people with disabilities like this. She may need time to adjust and understand her child's limitations and focus on understanding how he relates his world and how he learns to funciton and respond to people and situations in the world. If she hasn't already, she should find a support group for parents of autistic kids. It might help her.

JMO

Just to start, as someone who is active in the Autism community I take exception to false statements such as this: "Depending on their condition, some autistic kids are devoid of emotion or reading emotions and showing affection." People with autism are not "devoid of emotion." If anything they feel emotions MORE intensely than other people and can have trouble expressing and reading that emotion. It's a widely believed fallacy that people with Autism aren't capable of emotion or that they don't have emotions and it's simply not true. Ever.

When it comes to birthdays and gift ideas, adopted children and children with Autisms are exactly like any other child. You gift to them based on their likes and trends. The best way to figure that out is to ask his mom directly what he's into lately and ask what size clothing he wears. You might find some clothes in a color or character or theme he likes and in a nice, soft, comfortable texture. You might find a learning toy that would fit in with his likes. You can't go wrong with checking with his mother. She'll appreciate it.

As for the hugs... don't assume that she's jealous or envious that he's hugging you. My daughter is not a hugger or kisser, but she knows that sometimes it's expected. She mainly knows that it's expected by Old People, but most importantly that I will never force it from her and make it clear to everyone that I won't force it or chastise her if she refuses as long as she makes a polite greeting. If she chooses to hug someone in greeting or farewell, I'm proud of her. If she takes a liking to someone in particular (which does happen) it brings tears to my eyes because while she's affectionate in her own way, seeing it in little "typical" ways is amazing to me.

If you're worried that it bothers her, she's your FRIEND. Ask her straight out if it bothers her and if she says yes then ask her how she'd like you to approach it when he wants to hug you. Again, she'll appreciate you being open.

If he plays well with your 6 yr old I'd have your 6 yr old pick the gift out.