Momming Toddler

Your best asset in correcting this behavior is probably your HUSBAND. Bear with me while I explain.

Your son needs to hear from the most significant male adult in his life (his hero DAD) that girls and women are to be treated with respect.

Dad can step in firmly but gently at first and set a no-tolerance boundary for junior.("This is what respect looks like in our family" . . . "If you wouldn't do this to your mom, you don't do it to your sister . . .")

When junior crosses the line, however, serious and consequences need to happen swiftly and WITHOUT much comment! A sufficient comment is: TIME OUT. Just now I saw you do such and such to your sister.

Best consequences: toy(s) change ownership for a period of time, if the toy prompted junior's tantrum. Junior gets a boring, isolated place to play without sis. (Believe it or not, "you don't get to play with sister for such and such a time) really is a consequence for children who only have each other to play with.

Dad's disapproval carries a lot of weight with preschool boys, so this is a critical age for Dad to build a foundation with his son about how to become a real, loving gentleman, which is how you describe your husband.
You are so lucky.

I'm a nanny for a similar set of children, although both children are 5 and 3 now, and "little sister" pretty tunes much of it out and lets it roll off her back.

She's not intimidated by his controlling behavior, so when ignored, he often results to physical attack (pushing her down, hitting, taunting her with destroying or taking a favorite toy, etc.)

On my watch, he is immediately put in a time out chair with a food tray "restraint" During time out, he usually watches HER playing with that favorite toy he had a fit about. When time out ends, he tells me why he is in time out and what he is GOING TO DO NEXT TIME. Sometimes I give him specific things to do next time.

If a toy is involved, she gets to be the boss of the toy for the rest of the day. (She usually shares it with him 10 minutes later, which SO touches his little heart. THEN we talk about the good feelings restored all around . . . . well you get the idea.

Second offense same day: SHE is allowed to go outside to a favorite play area without him or read extra stories with me at nap time or any similar consequence where he misses out on a favorite activity WITH HER.

If injury results from the offense, he is also required to administer first aid WITH ME for her before TIME OUT.

HERE'S THE POSITIVE ANGLE: I keep my camera within grabbing reach, and whenever he allows her to lead or shares a favorite toy for longer than a minute or two, I take a picture of that activity (sometimes even a little camera "movie"), and we make up stories and books with those pictures. Mom and Dad get a bonus: photos of kids!

Sorry this got so long ~ hope some of it is helpful!

Hi J.,
Sometimes it helps to set aside "special toys" that only your 3 year old can play with. Also give your 3 yr. old a role that she has with your younger one. Being a special helper with getting your 16 mo. toys, or breakfast dishes, diapers or something. That way she feels more grown up and included. I have a 3 year old. She is very bossy and doesn't like to share at this stage. Part of it is just teaching that sharing is caring. Also your 3 year old wants to make sure they're still your baby so some special time might help also.

My daughter, who is the oldest, is exactly the same way to her brother, who is younger. She is controlling, bossy, and mother's him constantly. I think patience goes a long way with a 3 year old anyway. They are still learning and sometime like to really go against whatever you are telling them.

I think you have to embrace your child's desire to direct and mother and you have to learn to channel it rather than necessarily change it. Your son will probably go up to be a great leader or care taker. Maybe show him how to respond to his younger sibling and do some role playing to better teach him how to better direct and mother.

Can't say I have perfected it either so good luck.

J.

Hi there.

We have a little mommy and daddy around here, especially my 8-year-old son. The technique that works for me is that when I catch my kids trying to be the parents, I assign a parent job for them. If my son starts bossing my daughter around, I will tell him "Since you enjoy being your sister's parent, you can prepare her lunch for her." Then he can make her sandwich or fold her laundry or something else that I typically do as her mother. This has GREATLY cut down on the amount of bossiness we have going on. (We use this same concept with an 'I'm bored' job jar... anytime during the summer that my kids complain of being bored, they get to pull a menial job out of a jar and do it, like dusting the baseboards, cleaning the doorknobs, straightening the silverware drawer, etc. It's amazing how they are NEVER bored anymore, haha.)

I realize that your son is quite a bit younger so that might be more difficult but maybe you could come up with some other way that they have to serve the sibling they are trying to correct or order around.

Hope you find something that works for you and happy almost birthday to your son!

He's just wanting his things to be his. If he tries to boss, then I would do just what you did. Tell him that is mommy's job not his. I wouln't worry about too much. He's learning how to act as a big kid. Good Luck!!!!!

Hi!!

In my experience, my oldest does that for one of two reasons: either because I have been doing it to her (I do when I am stressed and/or overtired), OR if I haven't been able to give her enough of my focused attention (busy days or when I am stressed or overtired). For us, it is an absolute indicator of what has been going on in our house.

I give her an explanation ( very simple) and then make sure I slow down and find some time for her in the very near future. It helps for the day but doesn't "cure" things for the day usually. Where it cures is when I take preventive action which requires a bit of planning and is not fool proof but works most of the time. I also try to prevent it by setting up a project (playdough, drawing, etc) if I know I have to make a bunch of phone calls or a quiet time (we are all together on the bed but she can look at books or play with quiet toys while I rest) for days when I am just exhausted. Also, on those exhausted days I try to distract us all with walks, trips to window shop, a ride in the car (i.e., my brain doesn't need to be fully involved and I can relax a bit but it also fun for us all.)

Happy day!