Mom Troubles...

Your mom has a twin and it is my mom. You are not alone.

I too was raised by completely narcissistic parents and here's the problem with personality disorders - they drive EVERYBODY else crazy around them, except themselves. They think their needs, their lives, their stories are above everyone else's.

I am very impressed with your first efforts and setting the boundary with recommending she get her own car. BRAVO!! Really, pat yourself on the back b/c many daughters would never dream of a constructive solution, they would suck it up and suffer. And you are insightful enough to recognize that when you suffer, you are making your family suffer.

There is never any one magical talk or conversation you will have with such an individual that turns things for the better. The sooner you learn to manage her lack of sensitivity and self centered behavior coming at you like darts, the better your visits will be.

I tried many approaches and tactful re direction, and honestly she just wore me out. I would be so exhausted after her visits. One time, knowing she is terribly prude about her body and nudity, I got naked in my own bedroom, she walk in on me and it bought me a significant amount of down time. But I do not recommend such avoidance schemes. Unless you just become desperate.

I am sorry to report that in the long run, after many disappointing requests that were just trampled upon, I had to minimize my contact with her. It is what is best for my family. It is unfortunate. I have said this before, it was not a peaceful decision, but a necessary one for my own sanity and the sanity of my children and husband.

Not a day goes by that I do not wish it were different. I feel motherless. OK, I am motherless and sometimes it is hard to muster up and mother my own children, b/c I did not receive my due share of a nurturing mother figure.

It is probably why I come to this site, to find other gracious, kind women who can understand emotional scars and offer words of encouragement.

Your Mom has mental problems. She is mentally ill.
It is not pleasant and stressful.
Of course you are a different person when she is around, because it is walking on egg-shells.... and all that difficulty.
She needs to see a Doctor... or have medication.... is she???

Hopefully your Husband is cognizant of your Mom's mental problems??? And supportive of you???

Next, do not leave your kids alone with her.

Do not do, what is uncomfortable for you. STICK to your boundaries.... don't get suckered in to her... mental instability.
Don't let her guilt you.
DON'T do anything... you do not want to do.
Just tell her NO.
No one can force you... to do what you will not do. IF you stick to your guns.

Tell her to stay at a hotel.

HAVE your Husband.... back you up.
It is affecting you and your marriage and your kids.

My mom is quite a bit like your mom, and my relationship with her used to be quite a bit like what you describe, which was evading her as much as possible, and feeling tense and unhappy when I couldn't. But those hooks you feel run deep – even without actually thinking these thoughts, you probably have them: "She's my MOTHER / the number one authority figure in my life / the person who gave me life / she's sacrificed so much for me / good girls love and obey their mommies / I have to do what my mother expects of me / my mom won't love me if I don't obey her," and so forth.

The most controlling of those thoughts pretty much stopped being true when you left home, and your "inner child" just doesn't know it yet. Now that you're a mom, your perspective has a chance to change. What do you wish for YOUR children? I found amazing freedom (gradually, to be sure) from inquiring into what I WISHED my mom could have been like, and becoming more like that. And for me, that gradually took precedence over yielding to my mom's whims and opinions. I gradually stopped being the "good daughter" my mother expected me to be, and became the good person I wanted to model for my own child.

I wish I could tell you how to get there, but I expect that's a journey each of us must make in our own ways. But I can give you a great communication tool that has revolutionized my relationships, with my mom and others, and helped me stop being such a pushover. When my mom conveys a desire/expectation/opinion that is not comfortable for me, I acknowledge her statement or request in a cheerful tone, use the magic word AND, and add my own need/expectation/opinion. Or frequently, I follow with just the word "no." (Your conversation may sound like this: "I hear that you're hoping for a ride from the airport. And that doesn't work for me; I'll need you to take a taxi.")

That doesn't invalidate my mom's comment (the way BUT would), which might just start an argument or whining. It simply puts my follow-up at the same level of importance. For the past few years, this has surprised my mom into silence. She used to whine or wheedle a bit, but lately she doesn't try that.

This is how it sounds when I practice the fine art of saying no. My mom says, "P., I'd like you to join me for Thanksgiving morning services at my church." I might answer, in a calm and friendly voice, "Mom, I hear that you wish to have family with you at your church tomorrow. And, no."

As startling as that response is, and as disappointed as I know my mom will be with it, it's still polite. It doesn't drag in any uncomfortable family history or drama. It doesn't "preach" at her about my own spiritual preferences. It respects my mother's request, and my own needs. It makes no excuses, so there's nothing for her to argue with. If she repeats or wheedles, I just repeat, "Mom, I hear that you want to have me there when you worship tomorrow. And, no." And she backs off, with a new estimation of our relationship.

This has made a profound change in my ability to endure my mom. As challenging as it was at first, she seems to enjoy the time we have together now, and I am less tense/resentful and uncomfortable with her. I sense that she sees me more clearly these days. It's not a bad way for a grownup to feel! I wish the same for you.

I have trouble with my mom too. She has never driven a car so has always been dependent. My stepdad died early this year and now I am feeling pretty "stuck". Luckily I had a really bad back problem for a couple of months and my mom had to rely on others because I just couldnt move..... so this has freed me up some as she now has a few people doing errands for her. I love her, but she's such a dependent person my husband and I can't just go visit without having to do tons of chores and running around for her. That is just no fun for us so we avoid going over there and even calling. I'm of course spending TDay with her because she's going to be "lonely", I'm still trying to figure out what to do with her for the long term. I can't imagine living under the same roof with her... she is very demanding, thinks she's "entitled" to special treatment because she's my "mother" and I'm an only child because my sister died at age 18. My mom has never gotten over that, which I know is normal, but she is obsessed with talking about my dead sister, same ol' thing all the time, I just hate those conversations.... and now since her husband died too..... well, it's just not been easy for me by any means. I have a hard time saying "no" to my mom because there is no other family near here, just her and me. it strains my marriage on occasion.
I don't have advice for you, but just want you to know that you arent the only one with a mom that is hard to be around and is a guilt instrument even when you shouldnt have to feel guilty.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Hugs! come up with a really great reward for yourself when the visit is over. You'll deserve it!

First is your mom really mentally unstable or does she just drive you insane because she is self-centered?
My mom is a self-centered, overly dramatic, controling person. She wants it her way on her terms and if it isn't she gets angry and gives the silent treatment. Me, my husband, my siblings and their spouses all joke about who is at the bottom of the my moms "list" aka who is she pissed off at at the moment. She doesn't take into consideration that we all have families and our own children to take care of. If we go to visit her it's never long enough and we are never greatful enough for anything she may give us. I don't doubt that she loves us but it all comes with a price. She can push my buttons like no other perosn the planet.
I have yet to figure out how to deal with her in a healthy way, keep the peace and still stand up for myself.
+ I try not to talk to her as much and share too much personal info but she will use it against me. My family is pretty close so when I say I try not to talk to her as much, I try to keep it to once a week or every 2 weeks.
+ I try and make clear boundries of what is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to my kids.
+ Some things have gotten better just with time. My mom has now learned I will not go shopping with her when she comes to visit unless it is in the evening after my husband is home from work and I will only go one time during her visit. That was a hard one for her, like your mom she didn't care that the kids didn't want to go she wanted to what she wanted to do and that was shop with me.

I'm sorry this is so long but your mom sounds so much like mine. It hurt my feelings for a long time that I felt she wasn't here to see my kids when she would visit because they are the most important thing to me. It turned out that as they started to get older it was easier for her to interact with them. They are now 4 and 6 and we do outings to the zoo and bake cookies. When they were both toddlers she wasn't as comfortable just playing.

Best of luck, I hope some of what I wrote helps you.

It seems to me you have a pretty good handle on what is necessary for you to do to take care of yourself in this area. I'm glad you've had some answers here from women who have had very similar experiences.
I got away from my mother very early and stayed far far away for the rest of her life, with only a few brief visits over the years. My ability to interact with her rationally came, sadly, only after she was gone.
Since you're aware of her deficits/irrationality,
perhaps you can use some of your coping skills
to deflect, to avoid reacting when she behaves irrationally.

Your mom does sound an awful lot like my mom. I don't think she--my mom--even realizes that she is being selfish. If you asked her, she would describe herself as a very giving person I'm sure. And indeed, she would give me the shirt off her back if I asked...and then remind me of it any time I dared say "no" to her in the future.

In my mom's case, I know it is a self-defense mechanism. She has spent the majority of her life getting taken advantage of, and now she is determined that it doesn't happen to her again, so she is very defensive. Added to that, the last few years have been very hard on her, which has made her even more touchy and defensive.

I think she spends money in order to try to make herself feel better. That woman can go into the Dollar Store and drop $40 without even thinking about it. She has credit cards out the wazoo. One time I was with her and we stopped at Home Depot so she could make a credit card payment. I waited in the car. She came out of the store with a $15 cookbook on cheesecakes-an impulse buy. I think she bought it because she was in a depressed mood and it made her feel better. We got home and the cookbook disappeared in the clutter. She's never used it.

I think the blaming everything on someone else bit is a self-defense mechanism too. Again, she was told most of her life that she wasn't important, yadda yadda (my stepdad was a real winner), so now she doesn't want to ever be the one at fault. She recently failed a lifting test for a job she applied for. She told me that the tester wrote down that she only lifted 35 pounds from the floor when she really lifted 40. Do I believe the tester lied against her? Of course not. She has similar stories for other things that didn't work out in her favor, but of course aren't her fault.

Through much of my life, I have felt like I was the parent and she was the child. She is very dramatic in general, and pouty when she doesn't get her way. I kind of wonder if that's what worked for her when she was young (whether with her parents or with boyfriends) and so she still tries to use it today...but her parents are gone, and youth and beauty are not on her side any more, lol.

I don't always have answers for how to deal with her. I pray about it a lot, lol (and I've seen some great answers!). My husband has had more of a backbone with her than I have. They "had it out" one week when she was staying with us and househunting (she recently moved to OK from Florida where I grew up). It was about something stupid, like what tv show to watch, or something like that. But it was the catalyst to deal with clashing attitudes and personalities. When it first happened, my mom went into her room and started packing her things. She then turned it on me, saying I shouldn't let my husband talk to my mother that way. I just stepped right back out of it and said the two of them needed to work it out because I wasn't going to be caught in the middle of their arguing for the rest of my life. So they did talk/yell. It ended tensely that night, but things got better afterward, and now my mom is much more considerate than she used to be toward both me and my husband. And I'm not so worried about developing an ulcer!

Since then I have found the nerve to speak up to my mom about a few things, like how she always runs the conversation and it's hard to get a word in. She denied it and said she doesn't talk too much...but since then it seems to me that she has made more of an effort to ask me about how I'm doing and not make the convo always about her, and the conversations are much more two-way than they used to be.

So I guess I said all that to say, you may just have to have it out with her at some point. Maybe she is not aware how she comes off. Maybe she's forgotten what it's like to drag small children to a shopping center. Maybe she just needs a wake-up call.

One more thing--does she live alone? Sometimes people who spend a lot of time by themselves don't realize that they've changed and become more self-centered, because most of the time there's no one around to include, so they really are self-centered by circumstance. (I hope that made sense). When there's no one around to talk to or about but yourself, then what else do you have to talk about?

Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helps.

Wow. My mom is exactly the same as your mom - in fact as I was reading your post I was doing a double take thinking did I write this?! haha. You described her to a "t". She has a real need to always be the center of attention. I have come to believe my mom might have something called narcissistic personality disorder but since she sees nothing wrong with herself she has never been diagnosed. I have been thinking about posting about my mom because just this last weekend I wrote her an long email saying it is hurtful when she says negative things about my son (age 6) and that I feel judged by her. I sent her some links to read about spirited children and how to deal with them. My son can be quite difficult and has a temper...ever since he hurt her feelings last year things have never been the same between us. She has been distant but we have been talking on the phone and she did come to visit once this summer and I think it went pretty well. I'm rambling. Anyway, when she got my email she immediately wrote back "how sad that I cannot make innocent comments" and that she is cutting me out of her life and she never wants to seem me again. She also wrote I am too sensitive and it is not worth it to have a relationship with me. This hurts so bad. I never in a million years thought something like this would happen and I did not think my email was that bad...this brought out some major anger in her. I think people who are like this just intensely need to feel that you love and support them and they need to be built up all the time. I afraid she might really never talk to me again because she did this to her sister and to her one friend and has not spoked to either of them in years. My mistake was thinking I could talk to her about my true feelings because to her it is not about my feelings but about hers. If I could go back in time I would not try to talk about real things with her and I would keep it superficial. I feel so awful about this. Even though she is incredibly difficult and immature she is still my mom. Anyway, if you want to talk ever give me an email because I know exactly what you are going through. Sadly, things have gone one stop worse for me. PS - I might post about my mom as well to see if I can get any other answers from people.