Mom Seeking Help with Getting Her Daughter to Sleep and Not Be Afraid

Although not to the same extreme, I went through a similar night time fear around 3rd/4th grade. My parents took me to a psychologist for one session to work me through it and help me see that my fears were unfounded. It worked for me.

Maybe you can try spraying water in all the dark scary spots with her and say this solution will keep anything negative away? Hope this helps!

Hi A.,

I remember very clearly feeling like your daughter does when I was about her age. If I heard a scary story or saw something scary on tv it would trigger all kinds of fears. I was scared of being alone, especially at night. I think for me, things like "monster spray" etc. would not have helped because it would make me feel that my parents acknowledged that monsters did exist since a spray could keep them away. I needed my parents to be sympethetic and let me know they understood that what I was feeling was very real but I also liked the assurance that what I was fearing was NOT real (there was not a monster under the bed). The thing that really helped most was that my parents gave me an understanding of the reality of God and that he was watching me, protecting me, loving me even when my parents were sound asleep. My mom would pray for me and reassure me. I am not saying that this instantly solved my fear, but it did help over time and gave me a truth to cling to anytime I was afraid.

First it is normal for all children to go through some kind of fear. My oldest didn't like the closet open at night because she watched Monsters Inc. The second child is afraid of the dark and won't go in her room in the middle of the afternoon if she can't get the light on. But she will go through the house at night to find me if she has a bad dream (go figure?).

Anyway what you are describing sounds very severe. I would consider taking her to the pediatrician and see if there is a child psychologist that you can take her too.

And no wonder her behavior and moods are so sour since she's not getting any sleep. Interrupted sleep is as bad as no sleep at all. So she's in a downward spiral for sure. The sleep deprivation I'm sure is making her paranoia worse and thus it is creating this vicious cycle.

A start might be to get a doctor to prescribe a sleep aid for her to make her so sleepy she will stay asleep.

And just as a side note. I use to sleep walk, talk in my sleep and sleep with my eyes open (still do that one). It makes for a terrible situation for a child that is fearful. I would see things in my room and constantly have nightmares....I had a very strict mom though and was not allowed to get in bed with my parents period...so typically I would crawl in bed with my brothers until their body heat would run me out. Or I would just lay in bed with the covers up around my neck until I couldn't stay awake anymore.

Really I would take her to the doctor and make them do something like a sleep study or refer you to a psychologist. Do not let them tell you it is normal and send you home.

My sister went through this with her son until he was 13 years old (just last year!). He would not go to sleep on his own and made her stay in his bed until he fell asleep. She had to leave his lights and TV on at all times. After taking him to a counselor they learned that at some point when he was between 5-7 years old he had overheard his grandparents say they were going to kidnap him someday. Now we're sure they were kidding as most grandparents do but this stuck in his mind for years and completely terrified him. He thought they were going to come through his bedroom window in the middle of the night and take him away. Only during 2008 did they finally get some relief and he is now sleeping on his own but he still leaves the lights on. He will be 14 at the end of this month.

The poor thing, she sounds like she is afraid of everything. Is it possible kids at school still talk about it? My kids had this happen as well at their old school. The ghost of St Francis. They refused to go into the hallway if the light was out. They did get over it now but they were not as afraid as your daughter is. My one girl used to have night terrors but she has now grown out of them. One tip I can give is that you and your husband defintely need to sit down and figure out a course of action. My hubby and I also differ in many things. When my d had the night terrors, he would tell her to go back to bed (unless she was sleep walking). That did not help at all. Sit down and both of talk about this issue and then agree that something has to be done or your daughter-and son possibly-will end up afraid of life. That will limit her so much and she will be afraid to do so many fun things. When you have a course of action, stick to it. If nothing works, talk to her doc. maybe couseling would help. Sometimes talking to another person can help get rid of the fears. Another idea that came to mind is maybe a baby monitor or walkie talkie so she can hear you and talk to you when really needed, but limit how much or she will talk non-stop. This worked for a friend's son but he was more afraid mommy was going to leave the house.

This sounds like a pretty severe case, and is carrying into her total day, not just nighttime routine. It also sounds like it's been going on for 2 years now, which is a long time to go with this type of behavior (and it's getting worse.) I would DEFINITELY recommend taking her to see a therapist. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but at this point it's not getting any better and it's swallowing her up. She can't enjoy herself or her life so engulfed by these fears. It's also affecting her health. I'm sure you want to start getting help as soon as possible so you can have your little girl back! Plus you already said it's crossing over to your son, which means you are going to have two kids who are suffering in this way. It really sounds like you've exhausted the other methods (monster spray, special pajamas, lights, etc.) I hope this gets worked out soon!

A., One of the ways you determine if a behavior is outside the norm is if it goes on for more than six weeks to two months and it affects normal life. I would say your daughter's behavior meets this criteria. I think she should be seen by a child psychologist. She may have an anxiety disorder which is a very real clinical diagnosis which can be helped. Her fears are not within the normal range for a child her age. Good luck. A.

Immediately seek the help of a professional. Have your pediatrician refer you to behavioral health provider. She may need the help of a therapist to get over these fears.
Keep reinforcing that she is safe and that she is loved and with the help of a outside person, she may get through this. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.
SE

Are you christian? You could explain to her that GOD protects the children and sends angels to watch over them. Besides some DUMB boys at school just try to scare little girls.

When our oldest daughter was about yours' age and dealt with fears, we looked up scripture with her about fear, let her pick which one she wanted as "hers', printed it out on a full sheet, hung it above her bed and prayed it all the time. She memorized it and was to say it whenever she had fear. A few years later, she didn't even recall ever having been fearful!

With God all things are possible!

I'm sorry it happened to your daughter. Fear is a very strong factor that can affect all aspects of our lives, and especially in children. We had to deal with my 8-year old son's fear of deep water and pools. The explanation and assurances about his safety didn't help much but what DID help was EFT therapy (Emotional Freedom Technique; emofree.com). It may sound to some like quack medicine but it is not. It works and it's easy to learn and do. Your daughter can do it herself as well. In short, you name your fear and tap some accupoints on your body. You repeat it as many times as you feel you need. We stopped my sons' nervous ticks in the eyes the same way. Please let me know if you'd like more info. Good luck and hope you find a solution soon.

J. K.

We have a 7 year old and she went through a big period where she wanted to sleep with us and would wake up with screaming nightmares because her mom let her see the movie The Grudge. At first my husband let her come in the bed with us (can't let his baby be scared) but that led to NO SLEEP for all of us and we were all waking up cranky from being shoved and cramped in our bed. Not a solution.

The solution was to make her see FOR HERSELF that her fears were unfounded. We couldn't just tell her or show her, she had to figure it out for herself. Puzzle it out in HER mind so to speak.

So, we had a talk with her about her fears. The only way to get over them is to face them, right? First we talked about the current fear, we just let her say what was scaring her WITHOUT telling her "don't be silly" or "that's not really going to happen." We just listened and took it seriously so she didn't feel like she was being silly. We asked a lot of questions to help her pinpoint what was scaring her exactly. Because her fear of The Grudge had to be tied to something REAL or it wouldn't have any power, right? We knew it wasn't The Grudge that was scaring her, it just brought something else to the surface.

We talked about The Grudge, nodding and saying things like "I can see how you'd feel that way" and "I totally understand what you're saying." Then when she was done talking about The Grudge (and of course not looking like she was feeling any better) we said "what else are you scared of?" This led to her to talk about being afraid of the dark, and other things. We just kept listening, acknowledging and getting her to talk about it. When she would finish, since she didn't seem any better we'd keep asking "what else?" She brought up all kinds of THINGS to be afraid of.

FINALLY she said the REAL reason (and it's easy to recognize). She said "I'm scared that you and daddy will die and leave me all alone and I'll have to live with mommy."

My stepdaughter loves her mommmy, but it's not always the best place for her.

We recognized the true item and handled that, reassuring her, showing how that wouldn't happen, answering all her questions and being careful not to make her think her fear was silly. We even worked it out so she'd have more days at our house instead of her mom's. After handling that she was smiling, giggling, huggy and happy.

She hasn't had a nightmare since. And we reassure her daily she is loved, safe and we're not going anywhere.

Hope that helps. It's cheaper than therapy! If you have any questions how to do this, message me. We learned the technique at our church.

I don't know why but for some reason, she has been deeply impacted by what the kids at school said. Maybe there are other things at play like a chemical imbalance. If I put myself in your shoes and she were my child, I would start with the family doctor and make sure that physically she's healthy (blood work, etc.) then move to finding a good psychologist that can help her and the family. The is effecting the quality of her life and your family's life. Good luck!!

Gotta love kids in grade school. They show their true colors on scaring or bullying other kids. Maybe taking her into the bathroom and letting her see that there is no such thing and telling her it's all a bunch of hooey. Tell her the other kids were being mean and telling her stories that are just not true.

Not sure what else to do at this point. She's convinced that these fears are real. Good luck.

I am going through this now with my 8 year old. She watched a show on animal planet about weird creatures and now she is scared of everything. It is getting ridiculous. when she goes to the bathroom she actually wont go unlee the dog or cat come with her! She wont sleep in her room or even go in there alone. I have been letting her sleep on my floor. Sometimes we carry her to bed later or sometimes we leave her on the floor. I dont know what to do either but I dont think they need professional help. I have been monitoring what she watches and hopefully it is a phase that will be over soon. Maybe try sleeping in her bed a few nights to get her to start sleeping through the night again . I really feel for you,I am going through the same thing right now. Good luck to you

My oldest son was always afriad of things and wanted to sleep with us. He is grown now and he's fine. I would just tell him he had nothing to be afraid of and let him know his fears were unfounded. Then I made a bed in our floor and let him sleep there whenever he needed to. He knew the routine...when he was afriad he would get all the special thick blankets we used for his special bed in the floor and he made his own bed and slept there for as long as he needed to stay. He's an awesome kid now he's in college and wants to become a doctor. Kids need to feel secure, you just have to let her know that she really has nothing to be afraid of. Don't make a big deal of things. Make her feel secure and she'll outgrow it. My son was about 12 when he didn't have to sleep in our floor anymore. She is probably really smart and has a vivid imagination for her age. We also used books on tape and music for him to go to sleep so that he was distracted while falling asleep and forgot about the things he was afraid of. Making her a bed in your floor will give you a better nights sleep and her also. We had friends that had a little cot in the corner for any of their kids who had a nightmare. Good luck, they grow up so fast.

Personally I would consider having a bed next to yours at night. That way she can sneak in and be right by you, but you don't have to keep tending to her (as much). Even just a blanket and pillow. I would also watch her tv (even if you watch the news and she over hears itcan be very scary)and friend closely. And I may consider checking with a therapist.

I am so sorry that kids at school have started something like this with her, it's devastating and when you have a strong imagination it makes it worse unfortunately. I have been in a similar predicament myself with my kids. My 10 yr old still wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep and leave a light on. A few things I've tried and been successful with.

1. Monster spray--i wear bath and body Moonlight path and it has lavender in it..the kids associate the smell with me and therefore safety. They each ave a little bottle in their room and if they are scared I spray the Monster spray over their bed. It magically protects them from the monsters til morning. They are still convinced it works because the monsters never have gotten them.

2. Flashlights--My daugther prefers the dark but she still sleeps with a flahslight next to her. My son's is under his pillow. When he feels he needs to see a bit extra, he flips it on.

3. Momma's nightshirt--i give them one of my big t-shirts to sleep in or with (works if you are gone overnight too) with my perfume on it

4. Momma's teddy bears--i still have my teddy bears from when i was a girl as well as a few my husband or kids have gotten me. One is named Aslan (after the lion in the Narnia Chronicles) and is the designated protector for night time.

5. Family Picture--we keep a 5x7 picture of the family next to their beds so they know they are never alone.

The goal is to comfort your child without physically having to do it. If she knows she has a part of you or something of yours with her, she will associate that with safety. Hope this helps at least generate some ideas of your own!
Good Luck!

Wait! I don't remember writting for advice? Oh yah this isn't me, it's A.!

Amber–My situation is exactly the same! But mine are 9 and 5, Girl and boy too!
This has been going on forever with us! It's actually gotten a little better. If that's any
consolation.

My daughter keeps the lights on in her closet. I sit on a chair next to her bed until she falls asleep. Over time she has gotten better and doesn't wake up every night. But, I still need to sit there every night. She also wouldn't go into another room by herself or the bathroom. I've even had problems getting her to go to school. She is afraid that something bad will happen to her or me, when we are not together.

We have started seeing a Counselor (psychologist). I'm not really sure how much it is helping. But, at least it is giving me more confidence to allow her to deal with her
"situation" by herself, instead of always coming to her rescue or giving in to her demands. She is also realizing that she has control over her feelings. My daughter suffers from general as well as separation anxiety.
Talk to her pediatrician and see what he/she thinks. Your daughter may have the
same thing. The only way to really "get over" it, is by taking small baby steps.
For instance, stand outside the washroom instead of going in with her, until she can go by herself. Don't let her sleep with you. When she wakes up ( my daughter would come to my room and wake me up to put her back in bed and/ or try to sleep with us) take her right back to bed and don't even talk to her. You'll probably have to do this several times.

Good Luck!!! I'll be reading the advise you get. Hopefully I'll get some ideas too!
S : )

Hi A.,
One thing I did think of reading your post - you have TOLD her that these things don't exist, but have you SHOWN her? The things that you have mentioned - monster sprays, etc., feed into the idea that you need these things because there is a chance the monsters really do exist. Have you explored any sort of documentary on how scary movies are created - a very, very G-rated version of that any how. Or perhaps taken her to a local theatre or to a theatre tour downtown to demystify how the "magic" is made? Or even something as simple as those magician tricks revealed dvd's? Anything to take the mystery out of these scary stories and images. Many kids authors have their own websites too where you can e-mail them. If you find the author of one of the scary stories she's fixated on, maybe you can dialogue with them or their fan club organizers. Hopefully you will get a good response that you can share with your daughter that will help ease her fears.

Having been a very fearful child myself around the same age, I can tell you from experience she will just grow out of some of this on her own. It took me a few years (sorry mom!), but it did go away on its own. It sounds like your girl has a very active imagination, maybe mixing in a little reality might help.
Good luck,
MC