Mom Friends Vs. Friends

Ya, that is pretty weird.
One quick question.........how did you get in the group? Geography? School district? Husbands work together?etc. Maybe they just have that in common already and it's not about them snubbing you?
I feel like that when I go get my haircut at my stylists' house. I'm newer and some of the other people have gone to her for years and have kids her age, etc............ There is that weird boundary of noisy/friendly/intruding/belonging thing.

Is there one mom you could pull to the side and just ask jokingly," Ok, what's the club membership..hahahhaha" or when you over hear them talking I would just cut in friendly and say, "Next time you guys get together let me know...(MY kids) would love to see that with the group".

If they invite you cool. IF not you need to decide if you want to continue. If you are happy go ahead.

As the other posters have said, sometimes these "close knit friends" blow up and it starts a scandle. It happens over and over...and then you will be relieved that you weren't part of the group!! Let us know what happens.

Hi T.. I understand how this feels! I am in the exact same situation -- I get invited to many of the kid playdates (but not all of them) and NONE of the get-togethers without the kids.

I've been working to not feel so hurt. I don't see this as catty, like other posters, or like high school, per se. I understand that we do not form deep friendships with everyone -- and I am not one that they want to hang out with. Yes, it hurts at first...but I have also felt the same way about other people in the past. At this point, I'm grateful I get invites for the kid playdates. It's really, really tough finding friends that have the same outlook on life and interests as you -- let alone one that also has children your kids' age!

Personally, I would never mention this to any of the women. I have made sure to host some of the playdates and invite them to contact me if anyone wants to get together at other times. I wish I was one of those people that everyone just clicks with...but I'm not. However, the friends I do have are the life-long friends that have been part of my life for decades. Try not to take it so personally, and accept my {{hug}} of empathy!

I would have to say that there are clicks in every situation. For what ever reason, these moms have clicked. What I would suggest is that you try to find another mom's group to join. Yeah, it will be hard in the beginning, but you'll find one that works for you. When you decide to leave, they may or may not ask why and it will be up to give your reasons.

I've belonged to 3 groups, and for the most part really belong to 2 now. I'm not nearly as active as the rest of the moms in the first group because I'm the only one that works. They still invite me to all their get to gethers - via e-mail, but 99.9% of the time, I'm working during the hours of their get-to-gethers.

I really do beleive you should expand out and try to find another mom's group that works better for you.

I was teased alot in elementary school, and I have always been on the shy side. I am 46, and I still feel left out. I see other moms do things together, and even at this age there are cliches.

I like the idea of holding a get tegether at your house, or inviting them all out for a moms night out. I always feel like I have to start the ball rolling if I want to enjoy some time out with the girls. So be it.

Hi T.!!!

I feel your pain. I moved to IL from MN 3 years ago and have tried my hardest to meet other moms with other kids and to also create lasting friendships for myself, my husband and my daughter..what I have found and in most of the moms groups I have joined is nothing but gossip..really who has time for this sort of thing when you have a family to support??? I just don't understand. You aren't going to get along with everyone and not everyone is going to be best friends but that does not mean that we all have to be catty and feel left out. I left all the moms groups because I was so irritated with it all. I don't want my daughter to grow up like that and because it was stressing me out, I bet I was making her feel the same way as well. I did thankfully meet a few great mom friends in the group whom I have stayed in contact with and made great friends with.

I've lived this and it's rude, rude, rude! No, you are not a loser. They are. It's just plain NOT nice! Trust me. They are already talking about you if they have excluded you.

This went on in a neighborhood that I once lived. They began to whisper to each other during our get-togethers. They met once a month and planned games at their homes (one home, being next door to mine!). It was awful. I liked a few of the moms but I eventually eased my way out of the group. One night, I overheard a conversation during one of their night parties and they were berating a neighbor who didn't show up (who I really liked!) and this "friend" was, eventually, pushed out of the group. End of story???? They all got into a huge argument and separated - and a couple of them told ME that it was good I left when I did!. HUH????

Your choices as I see them:
Stay and enjoy the playgroup.

Confront them, straight-out and ask why you are excluded.

Ask them to your home for a brunch or dessert party- be the bigger person. (It's the route I took. They came. They left. Nothing really changed but my opinion of the moms. I was pleasant. When they left, I realized I was happy that I already had my wonderful friends who weren't catty!)

Hi T.!
I hate to say this but woman are CATTY! UGH! It is all about drama and competition. I have been through this on both ends.....being left out and witnessing woman leave others out and seeing the hurt. It is SO not supposed to be highschool when we are in our 30's. If I were you, I would just continue on with keeping them at a distance and being playgroup friends. If there are woman you meet along the way that accept you and respect you and vice versa, stick with them. It's common and I guess I'm just trying to say that even if it's bull, it happens everywhere. It's sad but those people aren't worth your time outside of playgroup. Just don't get jealous and move on. Keep your head up and stay strong. If it gets too bad, find another group that will accept everyone equally.
Good luck and keep us posted.
K. :0)

I know how you feel. Some people I thought I knew fairly well all got together for a weekend trip last year and I felt really left out, which wasn't really reasonable, but there it is.

I don't think you are insecure - I think you are totally human and normal. And I also think it doesn't mean you are unlikeable or anything. I really believe sometimes it's just timing. Sometimes it is one game-player in a group, though - if you do have one of those queen bees, definitely reach outside the playgroup for other friendships.

But I think there also might be another way to look at it. It may not be that it's mean and excluding, but it's about being inclusive of more people where you can. Now that my kids are older I have a lot of school-parent relationships, and neighbor relationships, and it can be hurtful when you want to be in the inner circle with someone who sees you in the outer circle. But I don't think it's a mean thing, it's just that everyone only has so much time sometimes.

I agree with the idea to set up some things with a couple of the other moms that you feel close to, or even do what one of my neighbors did recently - send out a note to 10 neighbors and see who is up for starting a regular bunco night (whatever bunco is!)

I admire your interest in pursuing deeper friendships. I hope that you are able to reach that level with some of the moms with whom you spend so much time.

I have a few different groups of friends, and I love it that way. Some are couple friends with kids, others are only my friends and probably would never have the spouses meet up with us, and the other group is the one that parties/goes to clubs rather than doing kiddie activities. I imagine this happens as people diverge in their lifestyles and preferences. Could this be the case with your playgroup moms? I mean, maybe they like to party hard and you don't (or they don't know that you do?)

I really liked a previous poster's idea about inviting all the playgroup moms to your house for a get-together sans kids. You may find out more about who these women are and how you fit in. It may be easier to make your decision about continuing the playgroup or pursuing deeper friendships with them.

It's tough to leave a playgroup because your kids will ask questions (if they are old enough to notice the change). It may be a golden opportunity to talk with them about what true friendship is, how to handle differences, etc.

Don't feel silly...I went through something similar with baseball mom's from my son's baseball team. They would all meet at the splash park or take their kids swimming at one another's house but I was never invited. I know my son can be annoying at times (he's 6 going on 47), but it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I wouldn't look to deep into it though, because it could be as simple as they are jealous of you. Start looking at finding other play groups and maybe you'll connect with moms better. However, if the issue continues you may want to take a look at yourself and see if you are coming off as something you're not which is putting these mom's off.

Im sorry you have to be going through that. The only thing I can think of is that they just became close friends outside the playgroup and have their own group of friends.
Maybe the next time you guys are at a playgroup, and you hear them talking about it, just jump in and say something along the lines of... that sounds like alot fo fun... do you guys get toghether often and play cards... just something to let them know you would be interested in hanging out with them too... You wouldnt be inviting yourself, but maybe opening the doors to letting them know you are intersted too..
If they still dont invite you... then maybe they are not the group of people you want to hang out with..

What Moms group are you part of? I was just in a moms group and left it because alll the playdates seemed to be during the morning or early afternoon hours. I have a hard time meeting moms and husbands tooo due to my work schedule and my husbands work schedule..

But good luck to you.... Maybe we can hang out and play cards.. LOL

Wow, interesting question. Hello, and by the way, this is not so "high school" as you think, in fact I think this is a real issue and your emotions are very real! So, don't discount how you are feeling. This is a tough one!

I am curious how you landed in this play group? Was it already established when someone let you know about it? Are these ladies friends from school who have a history together and need to learn how to let others into their group? Is someone "in charge" and decides when/where to meet and who else can come? Are you permitted to invite others?

A weekly group of 10 moms plus 10+ kids is larger than I can personally imagine, but I believe it is possible that you can cultivate one or two personal, closer friendships from among the women in the group. Is there someone that really stands out? Can you invite that person, and perhaps a friend from somewhere else (like a neighbor, colleague, sister) to a new gathering of just you 3 moms plus kids? If that mini-group works out, invite another to join. Start a smaller version yourself on days in which the large one does not meet.

Perhaps start a conversation with one or two moms about Brookfield Zoo (or wherever you have a membership or are interested in visiting) and say, "I was thinking of going there next Tuesday. Would you and your son/daughter like to meet us there?"

Once you feel like you have made an individual connection with a couple of the moms, see if anyone wants to meet up somewhere without the kids, like for a walk in the evening or an afternoon cup of tea, or whatever.

If you really enjoy the company of these moms, invite them to do something with you on a regular basis. It sounds like there is someone ruling the roost, choosing who gets to come to certain parties, and that is troubling me, since it is clear that the others, who are not invited, will hear about it later at the next play-date.

I suppose you could say, "Oh, sounds like that was fun night of cards! Let me know next time, I'd love to join you since I love poker!". If they invite you, go and have fun. If they talk about the others, be wary. If you are not invited, I would personally leave that group to find a new group of moms who are more inclusive of others.

Good luck!

Some things never change. Women will be women whether they are 12 or 34. My mother always taught me that if you can't invite everyone, don't talk about it where someone who is not invited might hear!

Perhaps they just don't know you yet. When I've been excluded I've found that I'm much harder on myself than I need to be. Sometimes it's an oversight. With a large group, women tend to not "rock the boat" unless someone suggests it. It's possible that no one has thought to ask you, and no one has thought to say something that you haven't been invited. I noticed that I'm always the one in a group trying to invite others in. It's not like the other people in the group are mean, when I suggest it they are very open. They are just not "aware" enough to suggest it themselves. It's also possible that the other mom who was invited put herself in a position to be invited. Maybe one mom was talking about it and the new mom said "Oh, I love that game" and then she was invited.

My suggestion is have a get-together at your house and invite everyone from the playgroup. That way you can get to know them all, and even if they don't all come, the few that you do get to know will surely invite you to cards next time. Otherwise pick someone from the group that you like and invite them out to dinner with you and your hubby. I used to be very shy by nature and I found that waiting to be invited meant I would be waiting forever! I'm not big on huge group events, I prefer smaller gatherings so if it were me I'd just find the mom I like the best and cultivate a relationship with her outside the group. She will be your "spokesperson" at the next group event and will make sure you're invited.

Feels like middle school all over again, huh? :)

I could have written Kristi's response! I have to agree with most women being very catty & its unfortunate that goes beyond high school days. I'm in my 40's with a toddler & I swear it gets even worse with age! I have to admit it, sometimes it annoys me to no end. The way I have been looking at it is like this.. I am a decent person & will always put forth the effort to meet new people and set a good example for my child. If I get no response from the person, then I move on to the next. I look at each person as an individual and don't make judgements based on appearance alone. It's amazing when I used to look at someone and right away "assume" they wouldn't be someone I would get along with, only to find out from other people what a great friend this person would have made, but since I didn't give them the time of day, I lost out on that chance to have a true friend. It's taken me "years" to realize this, but I'm glad I have. Good luck to you, and move on until you find where you do fit in & feel comfortable. You'll be doing both yourself & your children good! :)

Hi T.
I have had this happen in a couple of other situations besides the mom thing. I guess you figure out who you friends really are. It is not highschool.It hurts I had it happen in a work situation and the people who I knew as long or as well as everyone else would tell me they were going to the movies or something and still not invite me. They would stand right in front of me and talk about it.Or I'd answer the phone and they would explain they needed to talk to so and so because they were going to dinner. Boy did that hurt.
I talked to someone else who also had this happen and we thought that perhaps because we do lots of things with our husbands that perhaps that was why they excluded us because they were maybe jealous? I really don't know.It didn't have anything to do with looks or social standing, my other friend and I are not threats in that regard that we know of andwe are all from the same neighborhood, so who knows...When my children were little the same things would happen with even things like teams and other activities. The other people would at times go out and exclude us. I learned since then that I do have really good friends and that there are still people out there who will apparently not be my friends as much as I try to get them to like me. It's an ouch alright. But there are enough good and kind people like yourself out there that I have thrived in spite of it.