I have a mixed Cultural Marriage. I married a man from India. When we met he seemed so westernized. He spoke excellent English and understood most American slang as well. We hit it off, we had the same mind set. He said he loved that I had the same intelligence level as him and he saw me as an equal in most arguments as well. So as time went on we really enjoyed each other. We did everything equally. I thought to myself, even after many people were saying, DONT marry an Indian they have such different views about marriage. Well I studied and I did research and felt that their views on family and life was what I liked as well. I didnt like that most men are still fairly un-equal in there treatment of women but I figured this guy does not seem that type. However upon discussing marriage he completely shot the idea down. He said he enjoyed me as is, and that marriage wouldnt work with his family and with me. I appreciated the honesty, but mentioned I didnt want a relationship that wasnt going to go anywhere.
We were going to part ways, and then I found a surprise a few weeks into the split. I was pregnant. It was fairly a miracle really but anyway I told him (he was scheduled to return to India for work, since his visa expired). I told him he had no need to stay I was comfortable with being a single mom and all that. He was a true gentleman about it, took care of me through the stint of his stay, extended the visa till I had the baby, signed the birth cert, and made sure I had money and all that. He promised to help me and stay in our lives somehow. The only problem was that he fell madly and deeply in love with his daughter the second she was born. She apparently looked at him (I was woozy and beat) and there was some sort of cosmic connection that still lasts till this day and shes 4. He still had to go back to India because of visa issue, but when he left he staying in contact every single day. He called, we skyped, we emailed, we web chatted. We fell more in love over the daughter we had together. When he realized he could not be with out his daughter or me, he and his friends did everything in there powers to secure him a job in the same company that would transfer him here again. He jumped through hoops to get back here. When he got back, we lived together for some more time, only to find out we had a 2nd kid on the way. So NOW he HAD to marry me. LIFE was great, till we married. Then all hell broke loose. He really turned into a tyrant. NOT that he is ever physical or really at all Mentally abusive but more his expectations, his requirements, and all that he needs is so overwhelming. Plus he came to stay here, he has his green card through me, but he really hates the country. He knows moving back is not feasible as well but he doesnt know what to do. He is miserable here and he is depressed but hates doctors. He has made the last 3 years really hard for me. As well he is extremely fertile. So in our attempts to limit ourselves to 2 kids, we ended up with 3 and now I fear the 4th is on the way. Though when i say I want to have my tubes tied he wont accept it. SOO I love my husband with all my heart but his complete shift in thoughts on wives and marriage really make me resent ever getting married, and some days its totally hard. His family finally accepted the marriage, and is surprisingly very supportive of me. Often his mother chides and scolds him for making me do as much as I have too. So for you women out there with this issue... what did you do to make it work, are you still working on it, or has it gone sour? advise and vent if you wish.
Oh dear, I might have giving a more scary impression than I wished. I trust him, he will not run with my kids yikes. We go to India 2 times a year. I LOVE his culture and his country, however his treatment of daily life is what is bothersome and wondered what OTHER women do to help bridge the gap.
Another question, WHY do so many women think its OK to run away with children at the drop of a dime? or get divorced for no reason at all other than he is depressed and has different views than me? I want to make it work as a family for the sake of my 3 maybe 4 kids. HE is a an EXCELLENT father, I couldnt ask for a BETTER father. So that is never an issue.
Sunni, I think by your name and they way you nailed alot in those first sentences means you are Indian? I am glad you posted! Yes I have wanted to live in India with him but we feel our girls have a better chance at a different life here than there. Hard for girls there you know :) Its his choice to stay in America cause he will always put our kids first. So I know why he is depressed its just really hard to help him a lot and the other reason I want to live there is for the cheap help! Indian women are AWESOME nannies. I love having the extra help when I am there, I dont do ANYTHING when I am there its so great. It sucks here because even though we make great money we still cant afford a nanny or a maid. Thats one reason I am overly stressed and he suffers as well.
I will likely go to therapy myself with out his knowledge and plan on an IUD soon.
Just moving from the west coast to the midwest has been a difficult adjustment for me. I understand where he is coming from. I applaud you for not running. Don't have any answers but I hope hefinds a way to fit in somehow and can be happy.
Get on birth control for starters, seriously. That is your fault, not his. Getting your tubes tied is not the only form of birth control and you do not need his permission to get on birth control. And yes, I dated an Iranian for almost 2 years. We were engaged. I researched his culture and views on women BEFORE we took the plunge or had kids. I interviewed him extensively on how he would treat the family, what his expectations were of a wife, what his family was like, I even met his family. He and his family are very Americanized, but culture and traditions run deep, especially around other relatives who are not Americanized or are still back in the home country. I found out he wanted to have children and move the family back to Iran... where women have NO rights, and I would have no rights over my children and where they do not recognize dual citizenship. I looked for red flags and found them everywhere. Then I said, "Bye bye." Met my husband six months later. India and Iran and different though.
There are marriage counselors who specialize in mixed culture marriages, I suggest you see one together, it would greatly help. It sounds like this marriage is worth fighting for and that you all love each other. Take some responsibility and control here... birth control that is. (Also, I sound kind of rude in my post I totally do not mean to be sounding rude).
I would really buddy up with his mom. Not only to get her sympathy, but also her perspective as an Indian women. How do they cope in their culture? Plus having her on your side could work wonders in your favor for keeping your husband in line........he may not listen to you at times, but he will listen to his mother. Different cultures leed to different challenges so it might be extra hard to have a marriage that works, but if you love each other it will be ok. It's the way he was raised so it's hard for him to see it differently. Just be strong and honest and try to keep your sense of humor.
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I married an American. My culture is similar to your husband's. We usually marry of the same nationality (i didn't). So, my husband knew fully well I would not conform, but rather he would have to change to accept my ways. Not to be rude or anything but i didn't think my husband and his family had any values set in stone. I am not also fully convinced I want to spend the rest of my life in this country. It is difficult to be here without extended family, things will always be different for me. But I guess 10 years later my husband has become my rock. He has accepted my world, my culture, my ways, and we pretty much work that route for everything. So if you love your husband try be supportive. Him going back to India is not feasible and he probably knows it but that doesn't stop him from longing for it. Do you guys visit his country often? We do, once a year and it helps me a lot. Do you have an Indian community somewhere where you life to try create friendships for your husband. Something that will continue tying him to his culture and background. good luck
Im sorry you are going through this. My two sugestions are counseling and birth control. You can take charge of your fertility and having more babies with this man will not make anything better.
I do not think it is so much about you as it is a lot about the failed dreams he had. It is hard to live in a country you do not like. Being in the role you do not like. I think his treatment of you is like an outlet for his anger.
Getting married sort of nailed the coffin of his dreams to live in India? I suppose?
I agree, team up with his Mom. Indian man VERY dependent on their mothers' opinions and they have strong family ties.
Have you considered living in India for a while? You write that you visited. You do not mention how well of his family is. If he has a good job - you may make a nice living. Many expats find life there very nice and comfortable. Most of the country is dirty but the servants are cheap, International schools are good, English is spoken in big cities. Being white you'll get treated with respect. It may be nicer than you think. Maybe your husband's demeanor will change for better.
I hope it works out for you guys. The love for the kids is a great thing but they grow and you shall not feel like the prisoner in your own home.
You did indeed give the WRONG impression. Why do so MANY mothers think its OK to take the children and RUN? If your children are in danger, trust me, it's OK. In your case, just sounds like you have everything you need, except more $$ and the ability to have a nanny.
Take your kids and RUN! Get divorced in the United States and have his visitation monitored....He sounds like he would like to take your kids and RUN out of the USA and then you will have ZERO rights.
Blessings....
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think that the issues have anything to do with being in a racially mixed marriage. This could happen with anyone. I think it's a great thing that his family is on your side and you have their support. Maybe see if he is willing to go to counseling with you?
Well you guys have a bunch of stuff going on and it's hard. I am not in a cross cultural marriage but I can imagine how difficult it can be as I lived in another country for several years and sometimes just the roomates I had would be the clash of a lifetime just bc our view of how life is lived was just so different, and they actually didn't have any say over my life like a spouse does, so I can see why it is so difficult. I wish I knew more about Indian culture and marriage and then I could advise you better but I do like a lot about Indian people and I went to India for three weeks in college, and after going there I hear you that a western view and their view of life is radically different. So I think step one for you will just be accepting that you two just do not see eye to eye and most probably don't have the capacity to, at least at this point. Step two is probably realizing that he may never see your side of things or see the need to. Now that is not saying he won't, people grow and change, but you have to find a way to live and enjoy life even if he doesn't change at all, simply bc you have no control over him and how he grows in life. Don't know if you are a Bible reader but there is this chapter, proverbs 31, that talks all about this awesome wife. One thing it says in there is that the wife does the husband good all the days of his life. One of my personal endeavors is to do my husband good all the days of his life. So maybe for you, just start there, just do everything you can to do good by him and know that your heart is right toward him and whatever things he may feel you are not doing, at least you know that you have given what you could to do him good. Don't know what that looks like for you of course, and it isn't about perfection by any means, more of a heart attitude. People know when their welfare is high on your priority list, it affects them. Really small example is with my husband I used to always do the kids laundry first and ours last. The kids always had fresh clean clothes and sometimes we/he wouldn't. This made him so mad and he always felt slighted like I was putting the kids over him or something. I thought that was stupid and said in my mind 'if you want clean clothes, think I am not doing enough, do your clothes yourself'. So he would and then I would get things caught up and start doing all the laundry again and he would stop and then I would fall behind and he would get mad. So I made this very simple adjustment, I just started doing his laundry, my laundry and then the kids laundry. So easy to make that small change and it blesses him a lot. I clean our room first, no matter what the rest of the house is like. I just put us and our marriage first. It is amazing how a mom will always find a way to get those babies taken care of but it is easy to slight your spouse even unintentionally. So that is just a small example of one way I do good by my husband. And it has dramatically affected him, I can tell he feels more loved and considered and he is really involved around here, it's great. I am sorry he is depressed, not a lot you can do there, I mean you are not the source of his problems or his happiness, you are his partner. Just hang in there and try not to judge him and bite your tongue if you have to not to tell him what to do about it. I mean, this is a problem he is going to have to sort our, you are not responsible. You guys sound like you love each other made a choice to be together and have the potential to be a really happy family. Now I am not saying you are the one that has to change and he has no responsibility here, but you can't make him do it. Just do what you can, accept the great differences you have and don't run from them. It's ok, if you guys can come to some mutual acceptance, things can get a lot better. Sorry I went sooooo long, hope it helped, hang in there!!
You need to get an IUD or a better form of birth control b/c it's not far to anyone to keep bringing children into such a sad/unstable relationship (I'm pro-big families too). Once you get your marriage on track then adding more children would be feasible.
Why don't you look for a marriage counselor that has experience with Indian customs/relationships and even if he won't go - you go. Is there a Hindu place of worship near where you live? Maybe they could recommend someone?? Good luck with your journey through this.
hi MartyMomma, I dont have experience with this but wanted to send hugs your way. I can understand what you mean, being raised in a 3rd world country myself and knowing first hand, the 2nd class status bestowed on women in places like Africa, India et al.
It sounds like in your case, your hubby has a good heart to do the right thing and he seems to be under stress and reacting to that. Have you tried counseling? That can be tricky with an Indian but give it a try and prayerfully broach it with him.
Grace to you!
Run as fast as you can. Do not go to his country period. That is scary to me and I hope you look out for yourself. Good luck live.
