Miscarriage at 16 Wks, How Do You Go On?

K.,

There is nothing anyone can say to make the pain wane. That will be a day by day thing and the only thing that will ease it will be time and the knowledge that you will see your daughter again some day. In the meantime your sons need you right now...
Feel the pain but choose not to live there. You want your sons to love life - it is your job to show them how God's PROMISES are there for us even when bad things happen. God LOVES us even though things don't go how we thought they should. God's plan is GREATER than ours.
We don't know why this happened but we can feel secure in the knowledge that God is in control and has a wonderful plan for your life and your Sons.

Each day breath in and out. When your boys are out, at school, with Dad, asleep... cry if you need to. But then love your sons. Show them the Beautiful things in this life, help them to recognize the small miracles that people take for granted each day, and help them to know that no matter what comes their way - God is good and to TRUST him. Before you know it they will be out on their own and you don't want to regret missing their lives or making their memories of YOU sad ones.

God Bless you sister - Praying for PEACE beyond your understanding.

Christ Love,
L. (H. now)

My heart feels the loss too. It is not just your loss, the whole world shares this loss, most of us just don't know it as intimately as you do. I lost 3 of my 4 pregnancies and know that the world is without all they might have contributed. But I also know we will think of all this as a terrible loss only for the number of days we live in this earthly existance. I know these are my children and I will know them forever. I've met them in dreams. they have not stopped existing. However much I experienced deep pain, and still ache to hold them in my arms whenever I think of them, I also think of them with love and detachment. I honor the fact that this was the path they were meant to take.

In my heart, it is as though they skipped a grade in school, the school of the earthly experience. Those three didn't need me to change their diapers and meet with their teachers and bandage their knees. But I do know they are aware of both my joy and my sorrow. They prefer my joy. I do know they benefit from my prayers and that it is my duty as a mother to pray for them. I still love to sing them lullabies. At times, I even feel an eager sense of expectation knowing I will be much better able to know these three sweet souls when I shed this mortal world.

Every child that was given life within my womb has changed me, is part of my every prayer, has given me cause to cry much more than I expected to, and has stretched my heart into new dimensions of love. We have had the joy of watching our son grow into a remarkably delightful man. It wasn't easy. All in all, that child has likely caused us more worry and tears than the other three put together. I've learned that this is what it means to be a mother, no matter how long we live in this world together.

A friend of mine lost a child a couple of years ago. After some time she told me that, as much as it broke her in two to deliver that beautiful little boy - knowing she would never get to look into his eyes or hear his voice - and however much she knows that this deep pain has changed her forever, she said she found great comfort in knowing that this child would never be harmed by violence or hurt by other children at school or discouraged by a thoughtless teacher or betrayed by someone he trusted. She said it was odd, but that there was peace in the knowledge that this child was safe. Although I had never thought of it that way, I recognized that feeling.

Two things I would suggest that you focus upon. First, find time to be with your feelings. This grief is a process and is necessary for you to be with. But, try to process your feelings in private prayer, or with a caring counselor, minister, or friend. If you try to ignore these emotions or to stop them without allowing them to find expression and move through you fluidly, they will tend to errupt later in other emotional forms, such as fear or anger or depression. Secondly, the best gift you can give your children, even the one that skipped this life, is your happiness and peace. You can't fake it. You have to let the grief process. But, be open to acceptance, contentment, and happiness. Your children need your happiness and only you can decide to be happy under all conditions. This is how we teach our children faith.

Now, this may sound a bit strange, but I developed a little meditative exercise that helped me through many a heartbreak. I sit and let myself recognize the depth of my sorrow. I visualize my sorrow as a full character. I see her face, her hair, her eyes, her clothing. Then, I remember a time of pure happiness and joy and I see my happiness as a full character as well. Then, I visualize the two of them meeting each other, embracing, recognizing, and having compassion for one another. Somehow, when I allow my sorrow and my joy to embrace, I remember that I am one heart and I feel whole instead of broken in two. I spent many a day lost in sorrow and feeling hopeless before I developed this habit.

Finally, I will leave you with something from our sacred scriptures. It was written to a mother who had lost a child:
"How great is His transcendent power, how immensely exalted His all-embracing Will, inasmuch as He produceth light from fire and joy from sorrow."

Know that whatever you are feeling, it is right to feel it. But, they are feelings and they will evolve and heal. It won't always be so overwhelming. I hope this has been helpful to you in some way.

K.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar situation happen to us in 1992. I was in the doctor's office and found that our little boy's heart had stopped beating. I still remember the next 3 days like they were yesterday. It was without a doubt the most difficult thing I have ever been through.

I tried to be strong and not let anyone see how sad I was but I would just had to leave the room and cry for years when something reminded me of losing our little boy. Looking back I really think I would have benefitted so much from grief counselling. I didn't have any family or friends that I could really talk to about how I felt so either a support group like one mom mentioned or an actual counsellor trained in helping a person through the stages of grief might really be a help to you.

I eventually got through it with God's help -- or mostly through it anyway! I still cry occasionally when something reminds me of that very difficult time. My son is not forgotten and I still remember how hard losing him was. Reading God's Word, especially anything about the unborn and promises of the resurrection were a tremendous help to me. I am so thankful now that I was able to hold and see our little guy and I'm looking forward to seeing him with Jesus. I'll be praying for you today.

A.

Oh K. I know your loss also, not in a miscarriage but our 13 year old daughter went to live in heaven, she was our baby girl, 8th grade, cheerleader, sunday school helper, etc. she was a healthy girl, 3 days of pneumonia in the hospital and she was gone. I wasn't sure how we could go on without her, and the ache in my heart was nothing I can discribe in words, as are alot of the grief feeling, thats why unless someone has experienced it they really can't understand those deep hurts inside your heart.
The relationship I had with my Lord through is son Jesus, was what helped us through, and lots of prayers from those who cared about us, Knowing we will see her again. we have to other children which at the time was so hard of them also, I believe the hardest was our oldest because he was away in the army. Everyone deals with grief different and no one can tell you how to grieve. Just ask God to help you and He will, and give yourself time, don't feel like you have a time table on grief. Sometimes friends or family think they are helping by not talking about it, but it helps to talk. But I did learn through this grief journey, that there will be a time when God says to let go of grief or it will over take you, and He allowed me to see that in some other people. If you are interested in my learning time you can email me and I will share my story. I have got to get ready for church. Anyway K. I will be praying for you and your family, and don't be afraid for your boys to see your sorrow. They won't understand it the same way you do.
God bless you and carry your safely over this time of grief and when its time He will set you down on the Solid Rock foundation of trusting in His Timing and His great love for you.
J.

I am so sorry for your loss. Time will heal. God does not make mistakes. There is a reason for everything. My daughter went through the exact thing. You will find the stregnth as a family to move on. You will never forget but you will go on.
Let this pull your family together not apart. If you belong to a church turn to them for answers and prayers. I pray god will give your family peace in your hearts to move on and he will give you strength. IMAGINE GODS TENDER ARMS WRAPPING AROUND YOU IN COMFORT FOR HIS CHILD, YOU. TURN TO HIM PRAY TO HIM. THIS IS WHEN HE WANTS US TO. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM YOU SHOW GREAT CONCERN FOR YOUR BOYS. YOUR COMPASSION IS HONORABLE.
God bless

K....please know how very sorry I am for your loss, and know that you have resources that you can't even begin to imagine, in dealing with this. I see that you love to spend time with your family...and going to church...THERE is your resource!! Family and church!!! Do not try to hide all of your grief from your sons, they have to know that it is alright for them to be sad too. Explain to them that God and His angels are loving and caring for their little sister right now. I wonder if your pastor would have just the right words that would bring comfort to you, your husband and your sons.
Don't let anyone tell you that this was "just a miscarriage and you can have another baby"...you need to allow yourself, your husband and your sons to go through the grieving process just as if any other loved one in your life had passed away.
As to having another child...let your heart heal a little over this loss before you start to consider having another baby. Only you and your husband can decide if you want to have another child, and if so, if you want to try and reverse his vasectomy, or if you want to consider adoption.
K...just know that your heart will heal, you will never forget your precious little baby girl but you will learn to laugh again...your family will help you heal, as you help them heal.
And do lay all of this at the feet of your Savior, He knows how your heart is aching and He wants you to live a rich and full life. Let Him minister to you...after all, He is the Great Physician!!!
God Bless You,
R. Ann

My heart goes out to you at this very sad time. I miscarried at 19 1/2 weeks in 2006. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My little boy was born alive, and he passed away in my arms. I completely shut down, and wouldn't leave the house for about a month. I couldn't cope on my own so I saw my doctor and was put on an antidepressant. This really helped me get by until I went through all the stages of grief. When I felt ready I slowly weaned myself off of the antidepressant. Just do what you feel will help you get through this. My situation was different in that I didn't have other children to take care of. For the time being your husband will probably have to play a really active role in parenting. Maybe taking the kids out by himself so you can have some alone time. Time does heal the pain, but it will be a slow process. Maybe down the road your husband could get his vasectomy reversed, or maybe adoption may be best for your family if you really want another child. I'm so sorry for your loss. Good luck to you.

Hi K.,
I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I too lost my baby 6 years ago and was devasted. Because of the loss I was compelled to do something to help other moms suffering in the same way and as a result, found healing for myself. I hope you visit my website www.heavenborn.com and find comfort and ways to honor your beautiful baby. I will keep you along with the many empty-armed moms I hear from, strongly in my prayers. God bless you and your family during this time and may you feel his presence as you find your way towards healing.
Luv,
M.

I am sorry you lost your beautiful daughter. While I have not experienced this loss you might be interested in a website I have found, www.nowisleep.com It is a place for parents to chat, vent, cry, and all emotions are welcome. I have found it to be a VERY supportive forum. Try to take care of yourself.

Like other moms on this website...I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I've lost a baby in a similiar fashion while at the dr. office getting a sonogram only to find out that his heart was not beating anymore. I had to have a D&C. And, even though my heart was heavy for a long while and I wept for days...I just turned to my faith in God and leaned on my family for support.

It was a while later before I became pregnant again. I now have 3 girls and 1 boy. I often think about the little brother my children will never know and I just feel at peace that he is in God's arms, sitting right on his lap awaiting to meet me and our family again one day. Children are blessings from God and it's extremely hard when the child you carry in your womb is truly the desire of your heart and then it doesn't make it.

Continue to hug and love the boys you've already been blessed with and that will help get you through too. And, even though business seems to overtake all our lives these days...it's okay to stop and give yourself time to grieve. You still have two little boys who need their Mommy more than ever but just be honest with your husband if you need a break to take time for yourself...that's okay and you'll eventually be okay too. I was able to share my sadness with my two younger ones at the time but they didn't fully understand and I didn't want them to start worrying so I tried to balance my feelings as best I could but sometimes it might be a good thing to just treat yourself and get out of the house and let your husband watch the boys or get a sitter and both of you go out.

Don't worry...You never forget your child but the pain/sorrow does eventually not sting as bad and your hormones will start to level out again which will help too. If your grief turns into serious depression than don't be afraid to ask for help. This is a sad part of life that lots of woman have had to endure but if I had to take the chance again...I would and I did. I know God has every desire to see you succeed and be happy...but the road isn't always promised to be an easy one. Just know that you are not alone and that you deserve lots of hugs and support right now. You'll make it because that's what women do...we do what we have to...you can be strong and it sounds like you have a wonderful support group. Take care of U!

Blessings,
L.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.I would see a therapist you don't need to go on medication if you don't want to but talk therapy will be good for you and your husband.You can get out what you truly feel and how angry you are.

iam so sorry to hear i know it is hard my prays r with u and ur fam

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too miscarried at 16 weeks... it was my first pregnancy and it was devastating. The thing that helped me get through it was the fact that I got pregnant again 3 months later. It sounds like that might not be possible for you because of the vasectomy. I still feel pain if I think about it too long. There are SUPPORT GROUPS available, and sometimes the only thing that can help is to have a non-judgmental listening ear. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
B.

I just wanted you to know you and your husband are in my prayers.

K.,
I have not been where you are, I have no words of advice or wisdom...I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers and that my heart is breaking for you. Sending a hug from a caring stranger...

A.

on that is so hard. I miscarried at 15 weeks, lived far away from family and was fairly new to the state we had moved to so didn't have many friends around. It was a very tough time and also had 2 little kids. Hopefully your husband is more supportive than mine was during that time. He was also grieving in his own way but was very quiet and didn't encourage me much. It took a lot of phone calls to my mom and prayer. My sis-in-law also miscarried and felt like I was going through that process all over again. I did end up having another baby a few years later but hubby got a v-sec done while I was pregnant and I was always afraid of having another miscarriage and that being it. I am so sorry for your loss, it is a tough road to go through. There really isn't anything that I can tell you that will make it better. The grief process is hard for anyone to understand unless they have been through it. I think it is harder than losing other loved ones because you didn't even have a memory to remember and hold on to. When I think of my loved ones that passed away I have fun memories of them and makes it easier to think of them when they were happy and not remember their death. For me and my SIL, God had a plan and we have been able to comfort other ladies that have gone through this and have compassion and really feel their heart. I opened up my heart one day at church to a girl that I was sort of acquainted with. Broke down and cried after so many months of feeling all alone. What I didn't know was that she had several miscarriages and think God lead me to her to talk with her and she helped me so much as we cried and prayed together and she always checked up on me every week at church to see how I was doing. It happened on Thanksgiving and every year I get a little sad when Thanksgiving is approaching and wonder why then I remember oh yeah this was that sad day so you will probably always remember around that date and be sad. Give those boys a lot of hugs and get involved in your ladies group at church. That will help a lot.

hi i am 18 and everyone is going to tell you not to think about it but its not that easy i had my son when i was 16 years old when i was 17 i accidently got pregnate with my daughter i was 7 months pregnate when i had a miscarriage it took me 4 days to deliver her and it was the hardest thing in the world i have to go to counsaling because no matter what i do i always and up thinking about her..no matter what there is nothing that will help you try not to think about the child you lost.you will think about how old they would be if they were there with you and everything and i am sorry you had to go through that and i understand how you feel i didnt have anyone their with me during everything i didnt even have anyone to call..i had to have my son stay with me in the hospital bcuse no one would watch him. my luck and strenght to you.may this extra strenght and luck help you.be strong not for you or your husband but for your boys..if this helps i told my son that his sister went on vacation and she will see him when god thinks its time for her to come home and meet him

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss K....I'm sure it is really hard. I was wondering if your church has a councelor you can talk to or a support group? We have a support group at our church in Liberty, but wasn't sure if you have one at yours or another church close by. Call your church and ask for suggestion on either Christian councelors or support groups. Again, I am sorry. Good luck and God Bless.

K.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 10 weeks last summer and did not think I was going to make. I had to take it one day at a time for a long time. I do have resource that is helping me know it is a book "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. My church is doing a small group study on the book. If you want more details let me know we just started two weeks ago and only meet the 2nd and 4th Thursdays of the month so you could still join. Just let me know.

A.

K. - I do not have any advice but wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that you had to go through that. I will be praying for you and your family.

K.-
When I read this it made me cry. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I could not imagine how you must feel. I have a 2 year old boy and I think about losing him all the time. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. I cannot imagine life without him. I will pray for you and your family. You said that you go to church...I would pray a lot and ask God for strength...again...I am so sorry that you have to go through this...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've had a miscarriage too, and it is so painful and your heart just aches so bad. After you miscarriage your hormoans drop suddenly and this works against you and you feel even worst. That part does pass and when it does this will be little bit more bearable. Some hospitals have a support group for this you might check that out, b/c I went to a couple of the meetings and while it didn't make me feel better right away, I realised that there were other peole in the same pain as me and I felt some comfort in knowing that I was not alone and that other people understood. My thoughts are with you.

Hi!
I know what you are going through and I can say that because I lost my first son when I was eight and half month pregnant with him. His heart had stopped and there was nothing that I could of done to stop it. Don'tpush yourself to hard or fast to get over the death of your child. I did and I ended up making myself worse. It is okay to cry and yell and scream. Do whatever you need to do. You have that right. It took me awhile to deal with the death my son. He was my first son and my first child. It has been six years since we lost Carson and it has had its ups and downs. I thought that I could do it on my own and I was wrong. I found this great support group that helps parents deal with loss of babies. If it wouldn't of been for this group I don't think that I would be here or have my second son. I am not sure what to tell your boys. I would be honest and up front with them. They know that there is something wrong and that something has happened. I told my second son that he has brother and that he was needed in heaven, but that he is watching over us everyday and protects us. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can go through and nobody should have to expreince it. It is hard. I know that and it does get better, but I will be honest and tell you that you never "get over it". You learn to adapt and go on. There are days when I miss Carson and think about him every second, and there are days when I don't, but I have never forgotten him and never will. That is what is important is that you never forget them. Don't let others tell you how to grieve and how you should remember your child. It is your child and a member of your family. Please feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk.

K.,
I don't know you... but I am praying for you that some of the pain and sadness that you feel will go away soon. My heart is heavy for you. I am sure that your baby could feel your presence every step of the way and knows you still (even in spirit) like no other soul could (besides your other children). Perhaps someday you will know this love again (a vasectomy is not irreversible). Meanwhile, I would busy yourself enjoying every moment that you have with your boys and really try to be present and in the moment for them. It could help you heal. My heart goes out to you.
K.