Misbehaving That You Didn't See...

If you know that something happened but can't get anyone to confess, I would suggest that it be a little separation and quiet time for both of them. I used to say, "Okay, I know something happened here but because I don't know what, both of you get a time out", then I would have both my boys lay down in their beds for a little quiet time, not nap time, just quiet time. If you do get a confession the quiet time for the one who confessed but praise him/her for their honesty.

I'm a child psychologist as well as mom to two kids 4 yrs apart. From both perspectives, I would say you have to set a rule with both kids before anything happens about hitting, throwing things, taking the other's toy, etc. In our house any of those behaviors got the kids time out (1 minute per year of age). Plus, lying got a second punishment - losing a favorite toy for the day or no TV when they were very little, and losing their allowance for the week now that they are 11 and 15.
If you really don't know what happened, then I think the best thing to do is separate the children - they have to play alone in their own rooms for a little while as a consequence of having a fight. This is helpful because both kids will come to understand that fighting will get them both in trouble and they will have more incentive to work things out. by now, my kids understand this really well, and if one kid comes to me to complain about the other, I just remind them that if I get involved, there will be bigger consequences, so it would be better if they worked it out themselves. That approach started working when they were about 4 and 8.

Mine are 8 and 10, and if I don't see what happened first hand in their squabbles, I never take sides. The only punishment, is whatever toy or item, if there is one, that they are fighting over, gets taken away from both of them. That's it. They both will scream their sister is "lying" and I know they are BOTH can push each other's buttons, and are BOTH capable of getting physical with each other when they are very angry, and also BOTH capable of trying to manipulate me to punish their sister. I've heard about a lot of pushing and hitting, etc. and I've certainly heard a lot of fake crying too.

What I do is give sympathy to whomever comes to me crying, in the form of a hug, and offer of a diversion (like why don't you go and play with your DS for awhile). Later when everyone cools down, I talk to them individually. I listen. And I give advice on what they can do next time for a more peaceful resolution. But ultimately, they have to learn to work things out together themselves.

I read a GREAT article once about this subject. When you didn't see what happened you should still address the situation. But not necessarily with dicipline. Since you don't actually know what happened, both kids need to be "talked" to. Most incidents are not just one kiddos fault and you never want one (usually the oldest) to feel like they are always getting in trouble.

I take this approach a lot, even when I did see what happened. I may discipline one more harshly (with a time out) and one may just get a little talk, but no matter what, they both have to take responsibility for the situation. For example if one hits the other I have the hitter sit in time out but I'll talk to the other one about the importance of using our words and listening to eachothers words. This has really made a big difference in our house. No one feels like they are in trouble more than the other nor does anyone think they got away with something.

I love to quietly sit on the stairs while my girls are in the playroom. You sure learn a lot about really goes on when they can't see you!

.

My husband doesn't chose one over the other. If they're not getting along and need us to get involved then they're both in trouble. Harder for me to do all the time because I feel my older picks on my younger....but there are times when the younger gets aggressive out of no where. I just keep telling my boys (5 & 2.5) that I need to know the truth. It's important and I need to know how they got hurt. What if I have to go to the doctors...what would I tell him, I say. I'm starting to see the pay off. Just this weekend my oldest and his cousin (same age) where in the play room...dresser fell, nobody hurt but scared them bad. My son right away told me that it was his bright idea to tell her that they should hide in the drawers. I was so shocked he admitted it without asking.

i tell mine(4&7) that mommy KNOWS what happened, so they better tell the truth b/c they're gonna be in double trouble if they lie. lol :) and, you are exactly right, the 2yo will begin to tattle soon, and while you see that as a blessing now, well, you'll see ;)

My boys are similiar in age almost 4 and 18 months, and I also struggle with this. I ask my older one to always tell the truth when they are playing and I hear the little one cry. I can usually tell if he's telling the truth, and if I suspect he's lying, I will ask a couple more times what really happened and let him know if he's not telling truth he will be in trouble. Sometimes I get really specific and get more information, for example "did you pinch your brother", instead of "did you hit" since it is different in their eyes. I will ask 3 different ways and usually get it right with one of them-LOL!

I don't have a great answer for all of these situations, but if my boys can't work out a deal where they share or take turns, I call "Jump ball!" and I (the referee) get the ball. I started that a long time ago, and I haven't had to use it for a very long time, either. Meaning it worked! They get along better now.

After the tattle stage come the “know I can get the older one in trouble stage” Oh so fun. (Sarcasm) We have a cement policy in our house that if you are honest there is no punishment...except when it comes to physical violence. If you used your hands, feet, or a toy to hurt someone and you did it on purpose there is no exception there you will be punished. However our kids are 4 years apart and more often then not the best punishment is taking them away from each other. If you can't play nice play alone. It usually only takes about 10 minutes before they are sorry and playing fine. In response to your question in our house if there is a mark of any kind that couldn’t have been put there in some other way we punish if not and we didn't see it happen we separate and hope the next time they will play nicely. Good luck!