My 5 y/o son in the past week and 1/2 has been testing every boundary, trying to control every situation and talking back. The last couple of days has been the worst. I've taken away every favorite thing of his, given him time outs, no playing with friends, etc.
Today we went to the dentist for his 6 month check up and he refused to cooperate. He has done excellent at every appt. before today and this has been a trend the last week. He wasn't acting scared or anything just simply and matter of fact saying "No" to me and the dentist. All the dentist wanted to do was make sure he still had no cavities. When we left the office my son actually acted like he succeeded in controlling the whole situation.
I'm at my wits end and I've been so upset that I haven't been able to even talk to my son since we got home. My gut instinct tells me to go right up to my son and say "You are NOT going to the birthday party this Sunday. That is your consequence for your behavior today and all week."
This will be the ultimate for my son. He has been talking about this bday party for weeks. Other than usual stuff like taking away t.v. time or no dessert, nothing has really phased him but I know this will.
My hesitation is how rude is it to cancel on this bday party 2 days before?? Do you think I am right in doing this? It will be hard for me to take this away but I feel like I have to take his consequence to an extreme to get through to him.
Like I said his behavior has been really bad the last 2 days.
I'm happy with the advice I've received so far. You gave me different perspectives on this. In taking into account my son's personality, what I believe will work best since the Party is not until Sunday, is to tell him now that if he misbehaves at all the next 2 days, he will not be going. I will end it with "I'll leave it up to you".
I've got no problem following through with consequences. That part is easy considering the impact it will have on the long run.
Oh and it is not a small party. There are about 15 other kids going.
THANKS!!!! I appreciate the help on this!
Good for you MAMMA!!!!! I would still send a gift, especially since you are canceling last minute.
When I was growing up... if you got grounded/in trouble... there was no party. No IF's, And's or Buts... So it's not a bad thing if you cancel! I don't think it's a bad idea to give him one last chance either! LOL - Good luck!
It's not really a fair consequence if he doesn't know about it ahead of time. If you told him before doing to the dentist, or at the first sign of trouble, that the consequence of not cooperating will be missing the party, then it would absolutley be appropriate.
You still have tomorrow to drive the point home. I would take some time to think about exactly what your expectations are and talk to him about his behavior and what you need from him. Maybe the party has now become a reward for good behavior.
In my experience, taking away a privilege that is happening in the future does NOT help at all when children are young. They just don't make the connection. And it never has the intended result, when the party is going on and he's at home he won't really realize he's missing it. He may realize after the fact, but then it still won't bring about the change you're looking for.
When my daughter gets into a bad trend, continued punishments never seem to work. She's trying to control her life and we just exert more control over her and the result is she fights all the harder. To be honest, sending her on a playdate with friends where she can just be herself for a while has actually improved her behavior. I'm definitely NOT a fan of rewarding bad behavior with playdates, but you do have to look into why the behavior is occurring.
I've also had good luck making her earn privileges. I will tell her "you can go on a playdate with your friend if you do X Y and Z." I let her know I'm excited for her to go (so I'm on her side) and I hope that she can earn the privilege. You could try letting your son earn the privilege of the party. The best way is with help around the house. They feel good helping you (which helps them to see how they are important to the family), they know they earned the privilege, and you feel good knowing that they earned the right to go. I know he's only 5, but there are probably many ways he can help you out. He can't change how he was all week, but he can earn his way again!
Good luck!
I think cancelling 2 day prior to the party may or may not teach your son a lesson...but it will also be a punishment to his friend that has been looking forward to his own party with his friends. I don't think that's fair to that child or to his parents who have already put out the money for goodie bags, cake, food...etc. We had invited all of the children in my hubby's family to our daughter's third b'day party, all had excepted. The day of the party none of them showed up. Thank God for our neighbor's 2 children that did come. I was so very hurt and broken hearted for my daughter. I called my sister in Michigan crying after the party was over. We have been to EVERY b'day party for EVERY one of their children and none of them came or called to say they weren't coming. One got sick so that was understandable but the others each assumed that the others were coming so they didn't want to deal with beach traffic and decided to just skip it. Needless to say we've never invited them to another b'day party and haven't attended any of their children's either. My point in telling you all of this is you do not know if the other parents are going to show and if not that poor little child will have no one there. If it were further in advance then discussing it with his Mom and giving her the chance to invite another child in his place would have been a good option but on such short notice I wouldn't do that to the b'day boy.
I don't think it's rude not to let him go. He certainly hasn't cared about being rude to you.
After the way he's been acting, how can you be sure he won't behave that way at the party? I would just tell him that. "I'd rather keep you home than take the chance that you will act like that at someone else's party. Next time you're invited to one, you might want to think about your behavior in the weeks before the party. Because I can say NO to letting you go to that one too."
He needs to know you're not going to put up with this stuff from him. I raised two kids by myself and believe me, they knew when I was dead serious.
Anyway, that's just my opinion.
Best wishes!
I say he is told to shape up or stay home from the party. I'm sure the birthday boy will miss him, but chances are he will also learn from your son's lesson. Birthday boy will see how misbehaving has it's own punishment and may keep himself out of trouble due to it. So that's a win on both sides. When our son was about 6 or 7 he was horrible for several days before his own party and with 2 days warning he still couldn't clean up his act, so we called all the kids parents and cancelled the party. Of course it was hard, and somewhat embarrassing , but when explained to the other parents they all agreed it was for the best. We even suggested those who had purchased a gift for our son, go ahead and give it to their child as a way to say how sorry we were that they didn't get to attend a party. It was the talk of his class room the next week when our boy found out what good stuff he missed, and how excited they all were to have a new toy! It was a HUGE lesson to them all. In the end it taught them all something very important and a few weeks later it was all over and done and no one was harmed by missing a party. There were plenty others in the years to come, and all those kids knew better than to be a monster when their birthday was approaching. I have to add that we did have cake and ice cream at home with just M., dad and sister. We gave him a small gift from us but that was all. We took pictures and even now that he is well over 30, he sees that photo now and then and remembers that was the birthday he messed up and didn't get to have a party. It was a good lesson. (o:
Dear Mom,
Do not for a moment feel that your child not attending the party would be "unfair" to the birthday boy. You can always send your gift and make your apology. The main thing is your child must understand that if his behavior does not improve immediately and keep getting better that ther will be CONSEQUENCES and missing the party is the FIRST thing.
Do not allow a child to hold you in "social bondage". He starts being a well behaved son or he will be missing out on many, many things he's use to enjoying. He should also be able to apologize for his actions and understand that he is loved and will be forgiven.
Blessings....
I think your solution to give him the next day to clean up his act so to speak is perfect. And he will remember if he misses out. My girls had a party to go to years ago and it was at some entertainment place. They would not listen for at least a week. It did not matter how often I reminded them. The day before the party I even reminded them. They missed it. For a while, I was able to remind them about the party they missed and they straightened up.
I wanna say you need to be much firmer in the moment than time outs and removals to prevent episodes like this from happening. But there is no time for that before Saturday.
If you keep him home from the party, that will not be enough to change his ways (notice how he hasn't cared about missing playing with friends)-you'll still need to be firmer in the moment going forward, so I'm not sure it's worth it.
However. If you're REALLY certain that the party would have a huge impact on him, I would say to him, "Going forward you are no longer going to be allowed to act like X, and X will happen if you do. Also, to prove I am serious, since you were completely disrespectful this week, I have told your friend's mom you will not be at the party."
Be ready to enforce big time consequences if he tries any sort of fit about it. And get ready to enforce the 'tude and back talk from this day forward. Don't worry about being rude unless it's a super intimate small party with a very close friend who is depending on you.
Or let him go to the party and crack down after that. This behavior is a result of getting away with it and it snowballing. Kids are used to their luxuries and it doesn't mean much to get them taken away, and time outs are super ineffective in difficult boys.
This book has lots of help: Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.
I don't think it is fair to the birthday boy. He didn't do anything wrong. I really try to consider all sides of things like that when it comes to punishments. Something like that happened to my child once. We had been planning for almost 2 weeks, for him to go home with a friend from school and spend the night. He did extra things around the house, and even brought up a grade in one subject at school as a requirement to get permission to go.
Then, the NIGHT BEFORE he was to go, the other mom called and said that her son had been really bad (disrespectful, etc, I don't really even remember that part now) and her husband had said that he was no longer allowed to have my son over as punishment for his own poor behavior. My son was very upset by this. He had jumped through all sorts of hoops and played by the rules, only to be told that it didn't matter, he couldn't go anyway.
I thought that was a poor choice on the other little boy's dad's part. So, yes, I would be wary of "punishing" another child for YOUR child's bad behavior. He isn't yet old enough to understand how HE is hurting his friend by not behaving well enough to go. If you've already RSVP'd then you can't back out now. Choose a different punishment. Make him go to bed early for the next day or two. Make him pull weeds outside or rake the yard or vacuum the rugs or heck, even scrub out the toilet bowl. Yes, I know he is 5, he can learn to do all those things. Maybe not to your standards...but he CAN do them. Another method, is to treat him like he's military (or in martial arts, lol). When he is disrespectful, have him drop and do push-ups. or sit ups. It'll use up some of that energy he is trying to burn off with his misbehavior. I think for my kids, taking things away has less of an effect than making them DO things.
I fully support your decision about the no party consequence. Going to a party is a privliage and a honor . Children should be held to a behavior expectation to be allowed to go. My children know if they are treating their family at home rudely and disrespectfully they will not be allowed these opportunities. Missing the party is logical and related to his behavior. There's a great parenting book called "love and logic". It has helped me a lot . Best wishes.
Good for you for taking action. Too many parents these days just don't do enough. Just make sure you stay true to your words.
This happened to my now 20 yr old DD years ago. I had her take the present to the party & hand it to the parent & apologize that she couldn't stay because she was grounded for bad behavior. She never missed another party, it really taught her a good lesson.
consequence means little to most children- especially if the parent has exhibited inconsistency in the past.
It's a bit like a game-
I would recommend you start having your actions speak instead of using words. If he behaves in a way you dislike- he needs to suffer the natural consequences of his behavior. ie- he decides he's not going to eat lunch- take lunch away and toss it in the trash- say something like "so sad, no food for you then", then keep moving with your usual schedule. Don't give him food till the next interval (snack/dinner/etc).
As far as testing boundaries and talking back go- give him 2 options. of which- both should be options that you can live with. ie- he doesn't want to get ready for school: "you have 2 options here, you can get dressed and eat your breakfast, or you can go get in the car as you are, and I'll drop you off at school". Unlikely he'll choose to go hungry and naked. If he does choose that, make sure you drop him off that way with clothes in his backpack.
I'm a fan of love and logic parenting. There are tons of sites out there, and lots of books you can reference.
good luck
Since he's only 5, I'd say let him go to the birthday party. Very short-term consequences work best at that age.
With a large party AND the warning ahead of time... I think you're handling it great.
As Dr. Phil says, "you have to find their commodity" that's why the other stuff that being taken away don't affect him. Go with your gut and tell him he can't go to the party and the most important part; DO NOT BACK DOWN! If you stick to what you say, then he will know that what you say is indeed what you mean. I had to do that with my son and yes, it was heart breaking to see his face as my husband took the other son to the movies without him. But he learned his lesson; cleaned up his room like he should have and changed his behavior. The hardest part is not to let him go even if he promises to change, etc. And if you explain it to the birthday child's parents, they should understand (this has happened to me too). You are the parent and he needs to respect that. Can you imagine when he is a teenager and you are trying to enforce a curfew? Your instincts are in the right place. Good luck!
I have to say that as the mom of 5 I have learned some hard lessons from time to time and taking away another child's special day is not a fair thing. We found that if we could not let our child go then they still had to take a gift and write a note saying how sorry they were for not being able to come. The other child should not be punished as well. I have a son with a disability who had a BDP and only invited 3 children sadly 2 could not come and he felt horrible for weeks after even when told it was an emergancy that had come up.
5 yo are going thru so many changes they are not toddlers, they are not little people they are "betweens" people have expectations of them yet they can't understand the changes going on inside of themselves and really don't know why they say and feel the way they do.
Good Luck mom he will be ok and so will you just give it extra love and patience.
