MIL. Vent

sometimes its not just better to take the higher road, but better to take a differing road all together. Know what I mean?

My first two children have been in my now husbands family for over 17 years. We have a son together. My inlaws have NEVER accepted my other children. Since the age of 5 and 7 they have been totally left out. Left off the invites to weddings, Christmas , Holidays, and never asked how they are. I am bitter about it. Especially Weddings where everyone in the whole family is invited except my two oldest. I am not a quiet person and I do stick up for myself. The last wedding was huge. My oldest were not invited, I just hope they enjoyed the lovely card we gave them because that was the only thing they were getting from me is a card. Oh boy...sorry for the venting.

Oh, L., I'm so sorry. I know this stings and you are hurt for your girl.
She'll have to come to her own conclusions, now as an adult, about what sort of relationship to expect from her grandparents.

If it's any (very very small) consolation, it sounds like textbook behavior for someone with personality disorder with a tendency toward narcissism. (Just for clarity's sake, I'm not talking about entitled "Kim Kardashian"-esque self-absorption as narcissism and I do not use this term lightly.) The book 'Trapped in the Mirror' (on clinical narcissism) discusses in depth how narcissistic parents rely strongly on roles they assign for their children, including 'perfect' and 'scapegoat' children.
I'm not saying this is exactly your case, but you might decide to do some reading on it and see if it fits.

The reason I mention this is because knowing someone is really not functioning in a typical capacity can take the burden of rejection off of ourselves. If it is the case that your MIL is this way, with her favoritism of her own daughter, then you can tell yourself "It's not us, it's her." and this is a very liberating thing to feel. It also releases you and your husband from the burden of trying to fix things or make things right. It is very difficult to do within a situation such as this. It also lets you go forward deciding how much of your time and emotions you want to invest in this person and their crazymaking behavior and comments.

What's really sad is that your MIL doesn't know what a terrific Daughter in Law she has. I say this because your answers on this forum have come across as very compassionate, grounded and centered and wise. Your Mother in Law will miss out on having a great relationship with her own son and granddaughter not because of anything that they have done, but because of her own actions. Keep being the good person you are, L.. I think we regulars on the forum would all tell your Mother In Law that she's missing out big time.

I'm so sorry, L.. I, too would be heart-broken, pissed, hurt, offended ... all for my child. Heck, I could care less about the personal treatment, but when you break my child's heart by showing favoritism, that's it. So I'm with you, I'd be done with them. Your daughter is an adult now and there is no need to keep up appearances of *trying* to include them. THEIR LOSS. (hugs)

Yes. I would be extremely put out. Sounds like you have held it together over this for a long time. Now, your daughter is an adult and can choose whether or not to include grandma and grandpa in the rest of her life if she so chooses. And it isn't on you when she chooses not to. :)

Unfortunately, these are the parents that your husband has. You and your husband can't change the. What you CAN do is change your expectations of them. Don't have any. If your in-laws make a promise, don't expect them to follow through but even easier than that, don't extract promises from them in the first place. Don't ask favors of them. If they offer favors don't accept. You already know they won't follow through. This way, you'll be less likely to be disappointed when they fail expectations and tests of what good parents and grandparents ought to be like.

You don't have to stop loving them... just love them and accept the love they're able to show in their limited capacity.

Well if your daughter is anything like we are. There will be a day when grandpa and grandma only see their granddaughter (and future great grandchildren) at christmas and wonder why.

My grandmother didn't have much interest in us either. I think my daughter has seen her.....maybe four times? When someone is blatant with their disinterest it gets returned to them. Honestly, it doesn't bother me anymore. It's just the way it is.

I want to give you a HUGE HUG right now!!! I'm so sorry you married into this, but more sorry for your husband and daughter. That is JUST not right!!! I really don't understand parents like that, seriously, I could NEVER do that to my kids.

I do think you are doing things right, cutting off from them, they are poison you can see that. They are very EVIL people!

Again, hugs going out to you!!!

Afternoon!,
im sorry that his is and has happened to you and your fam. MY MIL does this to me on a daily basis. Ive learned to think that its HER loss not mine.!
I hope you have a great day!

That pretty much sums up my MIL as well. My husband has two sisters and the youngest is by far the favorite, then the older sis and then my husband is a VERY distant third. Our kids are treated accordingly. She lives less than a mile away (has for the last 8 years), and I would guess she has been here (to my house) around 10 times. I don't bother asking her to attend any of the kids' events- I know she wouldn't come. She has actually said the same thing as your MIL- that mothers just aren't close to their sons when they're grown. It is really sad for my kids- I have learned to deal with it. I am very thankful that my parents are wonderful grandparents and my kids have them to dote on them. It is very sad though that my parents live on the other side of the country and they see my kids more than my in-laws, who live down the street. Hang in there!

Do you know why they disapproved of your marriage?

If they have a predjudice against you (for any reason), and they can see you in your daughter, they are likely blaming *you* so they don't have to examine an uncomfortable truth about themselves.

It's a shame and it hurts when people don't choose LOVE, but we can't make them do it. Obviously they trust you to house sit for them, so I just can't help but think they have some unexamined bias that's based on your religion, ethnicity, or something...

...tragically, if they have held onto it this long, it's time to TRY to chalk it up as their loss.

HUG

My Grandma was like this. I've basically written her out of my life although if I ran into her would be cordial and nice. I think its sad that a person can do this to their flesh and blood. I mean in the end its family that matters and that are there for you.

I know you feel for your daughter, but its time to just accept that the IL's are the way they are and try not to continue the cycle. I imagine your daughter will be fine without these grandparents. I know I am fine without mine. In fact when I got married my husbands grandparents welcomed me with open arms.

It's best not to bleed for other people. You are allowing yourself to feel pain on behalf of your husband and daughter which is a waste of time. Furthermore, is it even necessary? All we can ever do is change our individual response to things. In this case a) you have distanced yourself from your in laws which provides you what you need from the relationship and b) your husband and daughter are plenty old enough to construct their relationships as they see fit. If you want, you could talk to both of them about their needs and expectations from these relationships. You might learn neither is half as bothered as you are. For your daughter in particular it is not as if this behavior is recent. It has been this way her whole life and she may have made her peace with it long ago. If that is how she feels, then you are wasting your energies entirely. She clearly won't need you to be upset on her behalf. At the end of it all I would maintain your distance and stop asking/expecting anything from them. It's too much like beating your head against the wall which never does anything. They have shown a consistency of neglect for your family. As my grandmother would say stop wiping your bottom on the wagon wheel and wondering why the poo keeps coming back around. Wash your hands of the situation and move on.

You have done your work and then some here. Now, you can wash your hands of them and step back. You know that you can't fix them. I'm curious about what your husband has to say about it. Has he just ignored them? Has he been supportive of you? Has he tried to push you to be more understanding of their ways?

Your DD is a college graduate. You can simply tell her that you see it, you know it and you're sorry they chose not to be more involved in her life, but focus on the people that do love her and support her. You are unlikely to change MIL so you change how you react to her.

I'm sorry for your IL situation L., it really sucks. What you said -
" I told my husband I was no longer going to put up with them, I encouraged him and our daughter to love them, to visit.. But leave me out of it."

I think you had the patience of a saint. If I were you, I probably wouldn't have been so tolerant. IMHO, your husband should have taken a firmer stand with them much earlier. He can still love his parents and hold them in high regard, but should have stood up for HIS family (you and kids) before anything. And I wouldn't 'house-sit' for them...anyways, its really not my place to judge..sorry if I said anything offensive...

Kudos and congratulations to your daughter on finishing college so well! :) I hope you taught her that people who really care will always be there for her. And as for family that doesn't really care much, well, it happens. And it doesn't make her any less of a person. Its the loss of that family.

Hope all the replies make you feel a bit better! :)

I completely understand! My husband FINALLY took a stand right before Christmas regarding their treatment of our two kids. Our kids were like the forgotten ones as opposed to the other grandchildren and great grandchildren. My MIL was very upset but you know what, we have been upset for YEARS! Its gotten better. They call the kids and my MIL finally got on FB. That really helps.

I have also realized that this is about as good as it will get so I have decided to forgive and move on. I'm tired of being upset all the time with them about stuff. My kids see it but we tell them that sometimes people need more help than others.

Well, it is hard for a mom to see anyone mistreat their child. Glad you could vent. You even worded it well. At least it is no surprise to you. You knew from day 1 what they were like. I wouldn't put any time or effort into them.

When it comes time for your daughter to get married, let them know when and where but don't expect them to come. If they do, great, but if they don't, blow it off as their loss.

Do not invest any emotion into people who are wrapped up in themselves. As soon as the feelings start to arise, replace the thoughts with blessings that you have. You cannot be thinking of good and bad at the same time. Just practice thinking of something wonderful and beautiful. They are not worth a single tear of yours.

I wouldn't even look up anything on narcissism. I would rather spend the time looking at photos of my daughter over the years. Have you made a scrapbook of your favorite memories? Spend your time on something fun and joyful and push out all negative thoughts of your in-laws. You only have so many moments in your day. Don't give ANY of them to your in-laws.

Grrrr. I am so angry for you. My MIL is like this. It's like her daughter's children are her "real grandchildren" and my husband and my children are okay to play with sometimes.

My kids are still too young to understand all of this favoritism and the impact that it has on my husband and themselves. We can't C. my MIL. She is a true narcissist too. But my husband and I are on the same page as far as how to explain it to our children. We have encouraged our daughter to stand up for her brothers whenever my MIL buys her a pretty dress and brings nothing for our sons. And when our kids realize that Grandma spends a lot more time with their cousins than she does with them, we will explain that Grandma has chosen her priorities and that it is not their fault. When the kids are old enough to decide how much time they want to spend with Grandma, we will not force them to see her if they don't feel much of a connection with her and prefer to play with their friends instead.

What do you want to bet that for all of the complaining that your MIL did about the expense of going to your daughter's graduation, she cannot stop bragging to her friends about her granddaughter's accomplishments?

So sorry to hear that you have annoying inlaws. I'd be upset too.

How horrible. But if it was me i would say yes we woukd watch the lake home then call and cancel last minute.
I have a mil that shows favirtism to my husbands brother. I gave never understood it and could never do it to my own children.

I would also be extremely hurt and tearful for my daughter as well. Can't begin to imagine not loving my granddaughter; not being there for all the events. They are truly selfish people!

BUT I also don't think I would be at their damn lake house sitting for them either. In my mind, I would just be hoping that someone would break in and trash the place. Sorry, but I can be vengeful when it comes to someone hurting my kids/stepkids/grandkids and it is definitely NOT something I can/will overlook.

I don't speak to my own mother because she refuses to acknowledge my youngest grandson. She doesn't like his dad, so she acts like he (my grandson) doesn't exist. Just this last xmas, she bought gifts for all the other kids (4 siblings) and did not buy for the baby. I, of course, ran out and got him something that I put her name on. Next year, I will not even take the gifts for the other kids. I didn't know until I got home and emptied the big bag that the gifts were in that here wasn't one for baby; had I realized it when I was at her house, I would not have taken them!

I don't know where some people get off acting like that, but it is NOT okay. I believe very strongly in tolerance and acceptance, but this is something I absolutely WILL NOT tolerate and accept!

I understand your hurt, but they're the ones who've missed everything. You can't change them, you can only change the way you respond. Let it go. Anger only eats away at the person who's angry - doesn't do anything to the person to whom you're angry with and will manifest itself in other ways in your family.

You need to forgive, whether it's asked for or not and move on - enjoy what's offered and just know what kind of people they are. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face - will you enjoy being at the lake house? If not, don't do it, if you will, go and enjoy!!!

Yes, you and your family have been snubbed and "abused" all these years - so what? It's not like they had you locked in a basement and were beating you. Live your life free from their "grip" and enjoy the fact that you don't have meddling in-laws that want control of everything about your life. There's always a bright side if you're willing to look for it!!

In their defense (not that they need one), but they did state, from the beginning, that they would not support you guys. I really don't know why you are surprised.
I know why you are upset, it IS grossly unfair, and usually, once kids come along, all that animosity goes away. Have they ever said WHY they disapprove of your marriage?
If this were me, I would no longer give them the time of day. When your daughter gets married, I see no reason why they need an invitation. They have make their position quite clear. Time to completely cut them out of your lives. Of course, your husband is free to do whatever he likes in relation to his relations.