MIL Lives with Us

Your situation sounds fairly traumatic - and I will give you what little advice I have, but first know that God is bigger than any problem you are facing and his solutions are always the best.

That being said, I also live with my MIL and even though she is kind and respectful (to my face), I still struggle with negative feelings every now and then. The one thing that I do and continue to strive to do is to set boundaries and know when to bend and when not to bend. For example, I am willing to help prepare some of her meals, but have asked that she request someone else to help her with her errands. When she first moved in and was leaving her hand-washed undies in the bathroom, I carried them to her room and requested that she put them in the hamper as opposed to leaving them in the sink...sometimes it takes boldness to state where your boundaries are...and to be firm - I had to carry her undies into her bedroom a couple of times before she got the message.

Anyhow, if you haven't had any luck airing your grievances verbally, because she cries, you may have better luck with a written letter signed by you and handed to her by her son. Writing down your grievances may even be therapeutic in itself.

It sounds like she is behaving inappropriately, which could stem from a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, you cannot change her or her reasons for behaving inappropriately, but you can set boundaries with known consequences - such as: "I feel uncomfortable with you rearranging my furniture/home decor. I feel that by moving my decorations/furniture, you are not respecting my tastes. If this continues to be an issue, I think we should discuss an alternate living situation where you can have more freedom to decorate as you like."

I probably don't have to tell you this, but it sounds like your husband is avoiding the conflict by hiding in his work (pretty common for men). You can ease him out of his hiding by finding a way to destress before he gets home - yoga, hot bath, computer time - whatever helps. I bet if you spend time with him after taking time for yourself, he'll be more open to listening to you. Mothers can often come between their sons and their sons' wives - it is a sign of an unhealthy attachment...perhaps a different living situation would be best in this case.

I've never been in your shoes, but MAN, you have a lot on your plate!! I've dealt with pushy inlaws in the past and it is no picnic!

I have two suggestions. You say your husband and you have issues, and this is due to your MIL living with you. If this is the case, I would tell him that you two need to sit down and talk about what is NOT ok and what is. Regardless of whether she is family or not, she is still your guest, and as such, should respect your (as the lady of the house) positions on certain things. She doesn't have to like it, and neither does your husband, but in order to keep your sanity this is a must. Maybe make a list of everything that bothers you, and decided which things you can live with and which things you can't. Then sit down with him and discuss it. Be fair, and be willing to let some things slide so that you can stay firm on the things you won't tolerate without sounding overbearing. It should go a long way with him. Then, I'd have HIM inform his mother of "the rules" you two have decided to enforce together. Hopefully he will not throw this all on you if you and him have decided to work together. This will show his mother that he respects you and your wishes and that she should too, instead of her pitting you two against each other.

That was my first thought, the second is if the first doesn't happen.

If he cannot respect your frustrations, then maybe you two need to go to counseling. I'm not suggesting you guys have an awful marriage, just that having a third party there will help the two of you see things a little less clouded by emotions, and able to see the other spouses needs and points of views.

It sounds like your MIL is very angry about having to live in your house, and honestly, it sucks living with in laws and no place of your own. Try to see her through her eyes and compassion may make it easier to deal with her, even if she is acting like a living nightmare. Be firm, but nice. Concede to the little things and show love even when you feel like hating her, and you might just force her to see you with more respect. She certainly should, as you allow her to live with you and that demands respect. I hope this all helps somewhat. And I feel for you, because if I had to live with my inlaws for any period longer than a week I might just end up in an asylum. haha

You didnt' tell us why she is living with you all. My gut says that MIL and the 2 nieces must go because they are causing division in your marriage. Your husband need to decide if he is a man or a mama's boy. The bible states that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing. YOu need to sit dow with your husband first and explain how you feel. Then sit down with all three and express how you feel. It is your home and you are now feeling uncomfortable in your own home because the MIL wants to take over. How dare she have others move into a house that she does not own. I don't understand why your husband and you said nothing and let it happen. If your husband want to side with his mother then they need a place to stay and he can come visit the children and have them every other weekend. He needs to really stop and look at the situation and decide what he is going to do.

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Hi Anna,
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are a good mom. But you have a huge problem - your MIL & your husband.
In all honesty things will not get better until your husband listens to your feelings and starts backing you up. If he refuses to go to counseling - then go by yourself! It will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
I don't know what your MIL's situation is, but two grown women can never share a house! It just doesn't work in my experience.
Stick to your guns about the way you raise your child. I would tell MIL that if she wants to continue to live in your house - she needs to go by your rules. You are the mom, what you say goes. She should never try to over rule what you say - all it will do is confuse your kids.
Good luck!

You do not need this aggrivation. Your MIL needs to find her own place.
My mother is one of the nicest people I know and she still annoys me quite a bit once a week. She lives with me and helps me watching my son, does housework , etc.
Parents in general do not feel they should do anything. they raised your husband and now it's payback. I really think if you don't want to ruin your marriage you need to have the MIL - find her own room, apt, place. There will never be peace and she WILL undermine you even with nicest intentions, I am speaking from ym own experience, and not even MIL but my own mother. Grandparents do not have the same committment as you and your husband, get her out. Good luck

While I am in favor of extended family living together and welcome it in my house, I definitely see and understand the difficulties of it as well. I think the best advice you have been given in this post is to pick your battles. This is very important! Don't pick at every little thing your MIL does because you will spend so much energy analyzing her every move you will go crazy, and more than likely will be unhappy with your own life. It's completely inappropriate for HER to invite others to live with you and she should be told this. Honestly is important and she needs to hear it. Your husband needs to listen to you and if this isn't working for you be clear and insistent when you tell him this. Tell him why and tell him what needs to change. Focus on the big problems, work towards resolving the smaller issues and annoyances later. Good luck and hope you can find a way that keeps everyone happy.

WOOOOW!

First hugs to you that is ALOT! Kudos to you for not going physco yet!

First, this is YOUR house and MIL needs to understand that IMMEDIATLEY! I agree with another responce that suggests that your husband is avoiding it by working. Clearly he is used to her manipulation and has probably lived his whole life either being manipulated or avoiding her.

I think the first thing you should do is sit down with your husband maybe even outside of the house so he can't avoid you and MIL is far from you. Let him know how SERIOUS this is and it needs to change. I don't know your husband but I would say you probably need to really think about the best way to talk to him because you don't want him to feel attacked and shut down. Maybe letting him know how you feel, how all the things that MIL does makes you feel. How it is distoying you, your homelife, your relationship with him and kids. That this is not ok and boundries need to be set and it needs to happen now. Make some lists of things that she does that are not ok. Make a list of things that need to change. See if he will work with you on making a change.

I can't see that this is going to be easy because a person that does that much manipulating has alot going on and I am betting that she is a very unhappy person and lives life getting people to dance around her.

If you can't get your husband on board than you are gonig to have to confront the MIL and hope and pray that you husband finds strength in yours. I imagion that this is going to be VERY hard for him to confront her, being that this is probably nothing new to him.

Please know that that is YOUR house! Those are YOUR kids! She is a guest in your house and has NO business moving your things around or changing anything in your home with out your approval. She has no business interfering with your kids over you and that is only going to damage your relationship and authority with your kids. You have the first and final word with your kids always and don't let MIL make you think any different.

Set some boundries for that women and tell her how it is going to be if she wants to live in your house. There are boundries to living arrangements and boundries to the children and if she does not like it she is more than welcome to find another place to live. Seriously if that is at all possible get that women out of the house she is toxic and I can't imagion even with boundries having a healthy living arrangement.

Wow just alot OMG so horrible how she took your nieces in with out talking with you and your husband. This women is trying to control your home and she needs to find out real quick whos house it is and what is expected if she wants to continue to stay. Those neices need to go back home, today!

PLEASE PLEASE don't let her control your home. With or with out your husband this needs to change. You can't live like this nor should you have to. Maybe you could find a counsler for you to talk to to help you develop a plan and how to talk to your husband and MIL in an effective way based on their issues.

My heart goes out to you. You truly are in a horrible situation. Don't take on any guilt and know that you are in control. And please don't accept this as ok, it is soooooo not ok! Good for you for recognizing that and looking for a way to change it. You can!

Hi Anna,

I know you are frustrated, but just hang in there. Try to sit down and talk with your husband about how things could go better. Ask him if there are any options to relieve you all of so much responsibility because that can put alot of pressure on both of you.

All the Best

This has to be hard... all I can say is "it is your house so your rules, if you don't like them leave. " That is what I would say, of course hubby has to be on same page and not sure how easy that will be. With her inviting people to live in your house is a NO WAY in my book, I love family but you do need your own space hence why you bought a house!

Hope you get more help ways to handle this!

I somewhat understand how you feel as my MIL lives with us also, although our children are grown and both in the military (and this bothers her to no end) she use to watch them when they where little. This also did not last too long as she could not adhere to our rules for the boys as they where growing up. She insisted on feeding them at 4:00 pm even when we (yes my husband stood behind me on this) asked her not to feed them after 3:00 as we would like to eat dinner as a family when we got home from work. She spoke to/with them like they where baby’s not growing children that they where, she could not handle our oldest son who was 3 going on 30, so taking them out of her home care and putting them in daycare was the best thing we did for them, so keeping your daughter in school is good, if you can leave her there, that is how they form friendships and learn social skills.

Now on to the live with part, my MIL moved in with us about a year ago when we realized she was not taking care of herself or her home and we where spending more time at her house cleaning, cooking, etc. then our own home. As we have an in-law apartment at least we have our own space, but let me tell you that the volume on the TV drives me nuts, she is only 4 ft. from it and I can hear it on our second floor and if I am in my bathroom and my husband is watching something else in our family room I feel like I am in the twilight zone! We bring down and try to eat dinner with her every night, last night she tried to wrap up what was left of her stuffed green pepper in a napkin (this is her thing lately using napkins to wrap things up and put them in the fridge, so who will eat them later when the paper is stuck to it?) I know I loose my patience with her, but I am with her more then my husband has he works 24 hours as a paramedic. She is telling her niece (who takes her to church) that I yell at her and that I am mean to her, she tells me she would never say that as I take such good care of her (as my husband says I don’t know why you are nice to her when she is not nice to you). We now have given her rules, I know she does not like them, but oh well. If she has to live with us there has to be limitations to our access to her (other wise she would have my husband down there all the time) and her neediness (no I would not ignore her is something was really wrong) but she need to know her boundaries, it works sometimes, not all the time, but better then not at all.

It takes time and a LOT of patience (which I run out of) but keep trying and you really need to get your husband to stand with you on this!

PS: Don’t even get my started on her 2 granddaughters who know how to ask for money from her, but will not come and stay with her so we can take a vacation.

Wow! This is such an unfortunate situation for all involved.

My suggestion is to talk to your husband and TELL him that it's not working with his mother and nieces living with you. If he wants her to continue living with you, then you will need the following .... things from him, his mother, and nieces. If he can't support you with that, then they will need to go. Give them a 30 or 45 day time period to find another place to live and wash your hands clean of it.

If he insists nothing change then you will have to ask yourself some tough questions. I would say talk to your MIL but it sounds like she doesn't listen to you already so having a heart to heart with her might not work. Though if you haven't had a heart to heart, maybe try taking her out for lunch and telling her exactly the situation and tell her that you seriously want to work it out but if she can not cooperate then things will change.

I'm so sorry - It's great to email here and get it all out there though before making any rash decisions. It is my biggest nightmare if my in-laws move in.

Best of luck to you - I will keep you in my prayers!

C

My MIL lives with us as well, and I feel exactly the same way you do. I guess I have it easier, since she is almost 82 and doesn't overstep my authority. It still bothers the heck out of me that I don't have any space in my house that is private except for my bedroom! She doesn't pay for any bills, and gives us $100 per month for groceries. Which you and I both know doesn't cover much! All I can say is I have been doing this for 5 years, and I finally had to stop getting angry at my husband for everything, and started picking my battles. Otherwise, I would've ruined my marriage.
I would suggest you do the same! The fact that she overrides your authority is important, I would not allow that to continue. You need to get your husband on board with that! Also, she simply cannot offer your house as temporary shelter for your nieces. End of story!
The fact that she whines "What did I do wrong now?" seems to me like an attention seeking, manipulative way to get her son to feel sorry for her. She needs to stop that, but I don't think telling her that will help. That's something that will have to burn itself out. Maybe once she realizes that you're done taking her nonsense, she will know better than to complain. Also, the yelling needs to stop as it's not good for the kids. She is setting a bad example. That's another thing that your hubby needs to get on board for! Try and let all the little things go at this point, maybe that will help in getting your husband to listen attentively to you instead of thinking you are just attacking his mother. I made that mistake, and had to learn from it! Good luck!

Anna,
My heart goes out to you!
I agree with the other moms who've aswered you. I would just add the seeing a pastor or therpist who can help your husband understand that he needs to put you and your children first might help.
Victoria