Okay...just curious on how to deal with MIL. First of all, I have never had a great relationship with MIL. My husband is the only child, and obviously her only son. She has to have things her way or she think its the high way. However, I don't let her bully me anymore.
This is my question. My MIL works on the AF installation as a civillian. The base is only 10 miles from town. She is constantly complaining that she never sees her grand daughters. My husband and I are both non-smokers, and my in laws are extremely heavy smokers. We avoid going to their house b/c they smoke in their house and it is extremely strong. When we left their house on Friday my youngest who was with us at the time was coughing and congested. This has lasted for several days. However, she knows she is welcome at our house. Yet she never comes over hardly. She complains that she is tired or that she doesn't feel like getting out on the weekends. However, then she does get out and do stuff around town. How do I explain to my children that their grandma doesn't want to come to the house without making it sound that she doesn't want to see them? My kids do love their grandma, and I personally don't want to make her problems affect them. I am actually the one that suggested we go by his parents last Friday to see them, b/c I thought it would be a nice surprise for the in laws and for my youngest. The visit was not horrid, just the smoke at that point.
We will be trying to get orders out of here soon, so I do think that it is important for my kids to have a good relationship with my in laws. Although, my MIL did mention that wherever we got orders to, she would follow. Aside from going overseas that is.
Okay so thanks up front for everyone's responses. I talked to my hubby after reading everyone's responses, and this is what we have decided:
We will no longer go over to their house. If they want to see us, they can meet us at a restaurant. All those places are non-smoking anyway. She can make the effort to see her grandchildren and come over to our house. We don't live far at all. If she can drive all over town running errands, then she can drive a mile down the road from work on the base and come see her grandchildren. Just so everyone knows. Neither my husband or I smoke. No one is allowed to smoke in our house or on our property. We live on base, so we don't want the cig butts laying around everywhere, and then to get in trouble. His parents have on occassion smoked outside of our house, but my husband stayed on them about throwing the butts in the dumpster after putting them under water. When they lived with us while I was pregnant with my youngest...my hubby was deployed...they smoked in our house against his and mine wishes. Needless to say when my water broke on Saturday night at 9 p.m....i refused to go to the hospital until the next afternoon at 230 to have my baby until ALL of their items were out of my house. So to make a long story short. I am going to stick my ground. Thanks to all of you so much!!! Have an awesome evening!!!
What about meeting up in town when she is out and about? Go have a meal together and go shopping with the kids.. If she doesnt want to come to you and you would rather not be around that smoke it might be nice to find a neutral zone to hang out..
It could be that your MIL doesn't feel welcome in your home. You said you haven't had the best of relation with her in the past and that could have alot to do with it. I am a smoker and my children aren't.. thank god! When my oldest son comes home with his children I do not smoke around them in anyway but I can't help the smell in the house. I always clean but the smell is there. Maybe if you would approach them and say.. we would love to see you in your home if you just wouldn't smoke in the same room as the children as they are sensitive to the smoke. I am hoping that they would understand and make the change. And please just don't pop in.. call before hand so the smoke can be cleared out of the main living area before you get there. Someday when you children grow up you will find that it is very difficult to cut the apron strings.. it hurts. You want your children to grow up and sprout their wings but sometimes it is very hard thing to do. My oldest is overseas and it was very difficult time for the first 3 years. He is now married and I adore my daughter in law. She tries not to find fault in me, although I am sure that I have a ton of them. Try to find the good things in your MIL and grit your teeth and bear the bad things.
Hi L.,
The smoke is a big concern - even if they don't smoke around the kids.
A recent scientific report found numerous harmful chemicals on the clothes, fabric, furniture etc. leftover from cigarette smoke. The metals and other toxins can be easily ingested by young children and is why they are calling this third-hand smoke.
Here's something from the study:
"Small children are especially susceptible to third-hand smoke exposure because they can inhale near, crawl and play on, or touch and mouth contaminated surfaces. Third-hand smoke can remain indoors even long after the smoking has stopped. Similar to low-level lead exposure, low levels of tobacco particulates have been associated with cognitive deficits among children, and the higher the exposure level, the lower the reading score. These findings underscore the possibility that even extremely low levels of these compounds may be neurotoxic and, according to the researchers, justify restricting all smoking in indoor areas inhabited by children"
For some recent articles on this see below:
Read the articles below:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/12/081229105037...
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke...
Mention these articles as the authority and ask your MIL if she would work with you to keep her grandkids safe - if you can first tell her how much you want them to have a great relationship with them.
Are they smoking in front of your kids, or is it just the fact that the smoke smell in the house is so strong? I guess if they are actually smoking in front of the kids, I would just tell them that yes, they do have the right to smoke in their own home, but it bothers your daughter, so could they please smoke outside when you visit. I don't think this is too much to ask.
However, if it's just the *smell* of the smoke that's bothering your daughter, you really can't be going over there all the time. You are not completely comfortable at your MIL's house, and it sounds like she is not completely comfortable at yours. (Is it because she can't smoke at your house?)
I know some people who smoke, and it really can dictate their life, from where they go to what restaurants they will eat at. Perhaps your in-laws are in the same boat.
In any event, I think the idea of meeting up somewhere in town is a great idea. Good luck.
I like that you stand your ground with her and that she knows that... so it shouldn't be a shock if you bring up the smoking issue.
coming from a smoker.
We only smoke in one room of our house (our bedroom), even though I'm well aware the smell is all threw the house, on our clothes etc. Even though we smoke in the one room anyone who visits who smokes we will tell them that they can't smoke anywhere in the house, they go outside. If they don't like it, then they wont come over anymore. So far we havne't had anyone not return because of it. there has been times that we will over look that rule and be in the kitchen... the kids have to stay out while one is going... and the window is open, that has only been if my dad comes over and we have something important we are discussing and I can count how many times on one hand and have fingers left over. At my parents house and in laws (they also smoke) we will tell them not to smoke around the kids. If they light up, I will open the window and physically take the kids in the other room and say in front of them " we have to go into another room until.... finishes their cig." it only took a couple of times of that and they figured it out. But we also all are close so there has never been any hard feelings.
You do what you need to to look out for your kids. In the end people should understand that what you are doing is for the kids not against them. I'm guessing she still wants to be around if she is going to follow you even with the rules about smoking. Stand up for what you want, if she doesn't like it... then she wont follow. Your kids are more important than her feelings (that is something she is going to have to deal with).
I would just be honest with her about the cigertte smoke. Tell her you don't want to have your kids around 2nd hand smoke. Period. If she gets pissy about it, print some stuff off the internet about how bad 2nd hand smoke is and tell her you just don't want to subject your kids to those health risks. Suggest AGAIN that she either come to your house (and smoke outside of course) or meet at a public place.
Meeting up in town does sound like the best solution... As far as telling the kids anything about the situation, I guess be honest about not wanting to ge there because of the smoking issue (which will also help them get into there little minds that it's bad to smoke) and if your MIL doesn't want to meet up then really it is her lose. But if you do go over there on occasion you could let her know in advance and tell her that they need to smoke outside for the day and open the windows to air it out?? Gook luck!
I think it is completely rude of your MIL not to make some effort and you shouldn't feel any guilt for that. I realize that when you go to there home, they have the right to do what they want. However, my father is a heavy smoker and when we come to visit, he never smokes in front of any of the grandchildren. I know you want the kids to have a good relationship with their grandmother, but I wouldn't take them to her home if it make put their health at risk. Maybe you should just call her and invite her over to your home. If she doesn't come, just tell the kids she is very busy with work right now but she misses them very much. I don't think I would go into details.
meet out for a dinner...
in my opinion grandparents who want to see their grandchildren, who actually want to see their grandchildren, don't make up excuses or don't make the effort.
I wouldn't bring my child over there, and I am a smoker myself.
When my son was about 4 months old, he developed phenemonia and had to them be put on a nebulizer, my children now don't really see me with a cigarette...
your childrens health is way more important that appeasing someone else just because they complain they don't get to see the grandkids...if they complain simply invite them over...you may just see the complaining stop...once they are faced with the issue of it being on them.
My MIL smokes heavily too. We go visit my MIL but only in spring/summer because we have to stay outside at their house, the smell is so bad. She comes to see us every now and then but only for 1 day at a time. At our house she smokes outside. I know she would like to see our son more but we have made it clear to her that we will not take him in her house. Even when she stops smoking at her house the walls are covered and the smell is still overwhelming. She tried that once while i was pregnant and I was still so nauseated. I would try to work out something to meet up with her in town but she needs to understand you are concerned for the health of your children and you are not going to expose them to the smoke. And it's her choice if she chooses to live the lifestyle she is but you are not going to expose yourself or your family to it. Maybe a good time to explain to your little ones how yucky smoking is too and how they should stay away from it.
I think that YOU are using the smoked-filled home as an excuse. You said, "I am actually the one that suggested we go by his parents last Friday to see them, b/c I thought it would be a nice surprise for the in laws and for my youngest."
She does not to see YOU. She wants to see her son and her grand daughters. You can stay home and do your nails once a month.
Hi L.. My daughter & I both have asthma, & cigarettes are a huge trigger for us.So I know where you're coming from.
I have a friend's parents that smoke very heavily in their home. She said they have a few good quality hepa air purifiers that make a world of a difference. They need to change the filters frequently & then the home is comfortable.
Although they can be spendy, it might be worth sharing the cost?
Hope that all works out well.
