Mid Life Crisis

My children are 18 - he graduates in June - and almost 16.
I have found that the older they get, the more they need you.
Volunteer. Spend time in their classrooms.
Be a substitute teacher.
Get involved.
LBC

First off - take a deep breath. Your kids absolutely still need you, especially if one is 6!

But your older child does too. Just because he is old enough or responsible enough to be home alone, does not mean you are no longer needed. Your child is entering middle school and then high school and will need your love and support and your PRESENCE even more during that time!

I have an 11 year old son. I have had a full time job his entire elementary school life- first as a divorced mom and now married again. But I can tell you, although I am proud of my son's maturity and responsibility, I will NEVER get back that time while I was at work and he was home either with a sitter or by himself.

I am not saying you should only be self-actualized as a person by being a mom- far from it! But please please realize how lucky you are to have the OPTION to be home!

I lost my job about a month ago and for the first time since my son was a baby, I am home everyday. My son LOVES it- I supervise homework right after school, he can invite friends over, I have time to bake some cookies as a treat or just to be PRESENT and we are both loving it!

I am not trying to be mean, but I am going to tell you something that I tell my son when he complains about being 'bored'.

Only bores get bored.

There are so many things you can do to branch out in your life! What do you like to do?Are you interested in art or gardening or history? Take a class, plant a garden, join a book group or a running club.

or volunteer at your church or a local food pantry- make connections and live your own life in a busy and interested way and not only will you not feel bored, afraid or unneeded- you will be helping other people too!

Basically I guess I am trying to say that we all go through a rough patch or feel unappreciated- but we don't need to! Your children love and need you and will do so for years and even as adults! You can find things to do to make your life feel even more full and help you to grow as a person- just go and do it!

Appreciate what you have and give with both hands open and you will become so busy and interested in your own life that those other feelings won't have time to take hold of you. Good luck!

I had a friend's whose father had a midlife crisis. One day he just went out at bought a tractor. And they lived in a cute suburb. So he didn't really know what to do at that point in his life either. Maybe what you need is to get to know yourself again, not as a mom or wife. Go back to your roots and go from there. What did you used to like to do, before all the hustle and bustle of life came along? Maybe you should pick up a new hobby that's only for you, and no one else. I'm not saying to neglect your family duties or anything, but being the pillar of the family is a hard job. It seems like you could benefit from being a little selfish :)

I don't have this problem yet but I am pretty sure I am going to someday. I plan on trying new things. Taking classes at the Y or at community college. I am also going to spend more time volunteering while my kids are school.

Sounds like you may be dealing with depression. I think it's much more common than most people realize. Talk to you doctor about it and you may find that a small dose of anti-depressant for a limited period of time will help you get out of this funk. You are not alone in this - lots of moms go through this becuase they've always taken care of others - and that's not wrong - you're just headed into another season of your life. Unlike the calendar which has only 4 season, we go through lots of different seasons - do not think that somehow you are odd, or that your emotions are wrong.

We usually do better when we have a chance to focus on others and not on ourselves. Consider doing volunteer work - most hospitals, nursing homes, libraries, food pantries, etc - would welcome your help.

Remember too that it's the end of winter in Wisconsin. It's always such a tough time of year. But the snow will melt, Spring will come - you'll be able to go for walk, flowers will bloom again. I promise!

I am sure I struggle with this in the back ground of my mind but I think I am determined to not let it come to the for front. I am always thinking about things I would like to do (something different everymonth) that I will post and ask questions about from you lovely mama's. Start dipping and dabbing in different things like painting, blogging ect. Your children will always need you just in differnt ways as they mature which is a good thing for you and them.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.......I have a friend who is going through something similar right now. Her son is graduating high school in 3 or 4 years but he has a very active schedule so she is looking for things to fill her days. She is a very successful Creative Memories consultant but was considering getting a more traditional job. She also is getting a puppy.

Maybe you have a hobby you've lost touch with (running, scrapbooking, volunteering somewhere) when you started your family? Maybe you could have a family meeting and talk to your husband and kids about needing something to add to your schedule. If they feel like they are part of the process, they might be more supportive of the decision you make and elminiate any guilt you could encounter from having less time with/for your family.

I wish you luck!

Maybe you could look into taking some classes at your local community college/university. You don't have to pursue a degree, you could just take a class in something that interests you. Good luck.

I had the great fortune to work with a wise career counselor 7 years ago who recommended I read the book called "The Path" by Laurie Beth Jones. He and the book helped me formulate a mission statement for my life (based on my values, beliefs, likes, etc.), which led me to the career I am currently in. You can also google search "personal mission statement" to help you find tools to create a mission statement for your life, which may help you identify a fulfilling career or volunteer work, or which may in fact lead you to the idea that staying at home fits into your personal mission.

"The Path" has some Christian elements but I believe it can benefit people of any faith who are seeking further self understanding.

You're facing a big life transition - yes, your kids are still going to need you, of course they are, but it will be very different kinds of needs than the intense, physical, minute-by-minute attention that early childhood requires. It's absolutely natural to be anxious and depressed when facing a big transition like this. (And yes, it is also the end of winter, which makes everything suck more.) Some others have suggested some good ways for you to get involved in activities, but it sounds like maybe your big question is not "how can I keep busy" but "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I suggest you find a therapist or a life coach - not because you're falling apart or inappropriately responding to a big life transition (I think your response is totally appropriate) - but just because an outside point of view can often help you draw ideas and desires out of your own head and heart that might be hard to find on your own, or even with good friends. Perhaps you will find that you want a new paying career, which may involve additional school or training of some kind. Perhaps you will find that you want to dedicate yourself to one or more volunteer causes. But having an outside agitator can help you sort out for yourself who you want to be for these next 15 or so years (when your kids are still home, but need you in different ways than they did when they were preschoolers.) There'll be another big transition when they leave home, and perhaps another reexamination of what you want the next stretch of your life to look like, from empty nest to retirement years.

If you belong to a religious community, talk to one of the leaders there, they might be able to recommend a therapist or life coach. Talk to friends, or even your primary care doctor, and if no one is able to make a good suggestion, try the yellow pages. Finding someone to work with is kind of like going on a date - you might have to meet with a few people before you find someone you really connect with.

Good luck, you're not crazy, and I am confident that you are asking all the right questions.

Think about what you really enjoy doing and then how to learn more about it (classes or on your own) and how you can contribute (volunteer) doing it. Many people find new work and/or purpose this way.

Go to church, get involved there. Also, your kids need you now more than ever. Don't check out, just because they are pulling away doesn't mean you should too. Especially your 11 yr old needs to know that nothing has changed. You are still there for him/her like you've always been.

I stayed home with my kids until they were all in school. When my kids were teens it seemed that they needed me home more then when they were younger. I would look for a job that is more just during their school hours. It is important to keep tracks of children after school to keep them from getting into wrong groups and to see that things aren't going on at home when you aren't there. Also get all the friends to hang out at your house rather then friends homes that adults aren't around. Teens need their mothers more then ever before.

Take a class at the local community college for fun. Do water aroebics or take up a hobby. Through exploring these items you will find something you like to do. Your children are growing and they are changing their needs for you but they still do need you.

It is now that you learn that your family is your life but your life is not your family. There is a part of you that is totally you and that's what you have to work on.

Be patient it will come.

The other S.

PS I am having a crisis and it is called Algebra. I have tried taking courses at work a university and still have not mastered it the way I want. But there are other things in my life that need my attention more and I will work on those areas. So you are not alone with not knowing what to do.