D.P.
I'm touched by your message, V..
I'm also a mom an a grandma.
I won't "preach" at you, or at least I sincerely hope you won't interpret my response in that way. Although I am not offended at the opinions of some, it strikes me that they are either in denial or that the type of mental illness they've dealt with is not the same as bipolar disorder.
Bipolar is NOT caused by diet, it is often a genetic condition. Being a devout Christian has nothing to do with whether or not you need help through medications or therapy.
I am a Christian, have a personal relationship with God, but guess what?? I have an inherited predisposition for depression and anxiety!! I struggled with it for years, was misdiagnosed by two doctors and at present, I'm drug-free, but it was a long struggle. Through counseling, therapy, a terrific team of doctors, family support, meds, and prayer, I have come to accept that at times I do need help, and that it's NOT my fault, I cannot control it. It's a dangerous game of Russian Roulette to deny, refuse treatment, and put your life and that of those around you in jeopardy.
Please, please, please, work with your doctor to get the right combination of meds for your bipolar condition. Depression and anxiety seem to go along with bipolar.
I know it's a difficult thing to deal with, and my prayers are with you. Don't give up, there is help out there now, much more so than in the past. Be thankful that you've been diagnosed and can learn to live a very productive life in spite of it.
I lost a son-in-law to the ravages of his being bipolar. He refused to continue counseling and stopped taking his meds. He believed that he had overcome his condition and quickly spiraled into a dangerous journey. He turned to illegal drugs and alcohol to try to escape. It ultimately took his life at age 32, back in 2001.
I also worked with a friend for several years who suffered from bipolar, and her story was one of victory and inspiration. She endured the search for the right meds, continued in therapy, joined a support group, and worked until retirement. If she hadn't shared her story with me, I wouldn't have known she was bipolar!!
So you can reach a level of "normalcy" and become functional, lead a fulfilling life, continue in your writing and other activities.
I hope I've given you even a little hope and determination to go forward and be positive. My prayers are with you, and I would love for you to give an update later on.
Hang in there, you sound like a very special woman!
D. P.