Mean Mom

yeah, my mom's a creepy drunk. I can't tell you the last time me and my husband went out, oh well, small price to pay. You mother is nuts. You just keep on being the good mother and to hell with being the good daughter

The fact that you're concerned about being a good Mom shows what a loving Mom you are. We're human - not perfect. I think it's actually the Moms that act like their little angels NEVER make them insane and that they always talk in that "sing song" super sweet voice that end up cracking and locking their kids in a closet with just bread and water for a week. Surely you've seen that kind of Mom? "No no honey bear, you know Mommy doesn't like it when you set the cat on fire." I think normal people admit that they lose their temper. It's also normal to feel ashamed of it.

As for your Mom, she is not right. You're not a bad Mom. Parents and In Law and even outsiders have a tendency to forget the bad and remember the good times. Suddenly they only remember being amazing parents, 100% devoted to entertaining their kids, they never yelled, the kind of mom Mrs. Cleaver envied! My Mom has done this to me a few times and I said to her, "Thank you for reminding me what a PERFECT Mom you were - because *I* certainly didn't remember it that way."

The way I see it - you have two choices. You can continue to accept her help and write off her issues as the price you pay, or you can distance yourself from your Mother. If you stay in her life make up your mind if she starts to say judgmental/rude things to you or about you to your kids... its time to leave or time for her to leave right then. Let her know you won't be tolerating this anymore. Remind her she is STILL your Mother and not doing a very good job of being loving and supportive of YOU. What kind of Mom is she being? I don't think she will change. People rarely do. You could TRY talking to her and she might modify her behavior for a while, but chances are she will fall back into old habits. If she is a toxic relationship for you, you may just need to distance yourself from her and find other avenues to get help for her and yourself. Look for a Mommy's Day out place for when you need a break? A group on Meetup.com or a Military Wives Mom group? Find another Mom that you can trade baby sitting with?

Good luck to you. Sorry you're not getting the support you need from your Mom.

oh, emotionally abusive moms are the worse. I have one too! All you can do is ignore her. I know, I know, all you want is your mother's love and understand, and for her to support you, but instead you get criticism after criticism.

My husband actually thinks my mom wants me to fail. Maybe your mom is similar, feeling so badly about her own life that she doesn't want yours to be better?

You need to distance yourself from her emotionally. No more snaps, just "yes mom, no mom." And then when she crosses the line, you just need ot say "these are my child, this is my life." One of my favorites with my mom is this," I know you do it that way, but I do it this way, and that is OK." Just stand your ground, dig deep, and ignore her. I know it would be easier with your hubby around for support, but the only way to deal with this is to silence her by ignoring her and working on not snapping (I yell too much too! How I hate that about myself!)

THANK YOU for being brave enough to share this question with us.
I'm glad you didn't delete it.

Please give yourself permission not to feel humiliated.
That's a pretty heavy load you're carrying.
Is DH far far away? For a long time?
That's a significant amount of stress and responsibility you are carrying.
You certainly don't need any more.

I wonder if you can get some counseling, or perhaps join a women's support group, to learn how to let your mother's words
simply slide off your back. You KNOW her words are false.
They are the product of a person whose mental attitudes are messed up.

You are a wonderful daughter to be willing to help her at home
even while she says these kinds of things to you.

I wonder if you could arrange with someone (a high school student, perhaps?) to do occasional chores at your mother's house.
Employed and paid by you. As needed.

Also, I wonder if you can arrange to spend much less time
in your mother's company.

I think it would be a good idea to have a little meeting
with your daughters. Talk to them about how grandma
sometimes says (dumb? wrong?) irrational things.
Explain to the kids that they should be respectful
to their grandmother but not to believe some of the things she says.

Sending encouragement and good thoughts in your direction.

Oh my- I just want to send you some hugs! Every Mom gets frustrated and we all blow our tops at some point. You are under stress- you have younger children, your husband is gone, and you help your Mom too along with running your own house. That's a lot to deal with! I am always in awe of Moms with more then one child- I get stressed juggling my one kid and running my house! So pat yourself on the back Mama for doing all you are doing.
My Mom never really had good things to say about my parenting either. She always told me I was doing things wrong and that I could be a better mom if I did things xyz way. I think I'm doing a decent job my way- she's happy, healthy, and smart. My Mom and I don't have a relationship anymore (other reasons for that) but I ended up just pretty much ignoring what she said and continued to parent my child my way.
I don't think it is okay for your Mom to question your 6 year old that way. My suggestion would be to flat out tell her that her action are hurting you and that she needs to stop. If she won't then let her know that you will need to keep your distance from her in order to protect you and your family.
Please don't be embarrassed or humiliated. It's not our fault that our parents are how they are. That's their issue. And this site is here so we Moms can speak freely and get advice on all issues in our lives. Keep being the good Mom that you are. Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about your parenting. Are your children dirty, not being fed, being abused or not getting any affection? No? Then you are doing your job.
Do you have other, supportive people in your life that you can lean on while your husband is gone? Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. The families of deployed military deserve so much gratitude for sacrificing so their loved one can serve our country. Thank you to your husband, you and your family. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace with your mother.

You are going to have to level with your mom soon. Kindly...KINDLY...let her know that you know she talks about you behind and in front of your back and that this is unacceptable. Also, advise her that she is not to involve your children in this as she is only driving a wedge between them and grandma (they will either believe her and hate you both or disbelieve her and hate her...either way lose-lose situation). And if this fails, your children come first so I would recommend keeping access to you and the children to a minimum; you don't need that poison in your family (let her know too that this is your intent before doing so). Finally, this is merely advice and it is your choice to follow it. That and your mom may be going senile; we don't have any relationship with my wife's grandmother due to the fact that she went crazy and all she could do was spew hate and lies about her family. Remember, she is no longer part of your immediate family; it is you and your children (and your hubby if you have one) that are and are most important. As far as people around you believing her lies; maybe pass around some Christmas (or substitute any other Holiday in your beliefs) cookies and let them decide on their own.

Your mother sounds emotionally ill. You would do best to really ignore her comments if you can. Probably cannot ever avoid our families altogether, but minimize her contact with you. Or tell her straight out. I do not know your pain, but my son was in deployments (one a year)in the service for six years and it was awful as a mom, I cannot imagine what it was like to be a wife. Your mother needs to show support. You are not a bad mother, you sound like you are a wonderful normal person who is also grieving for a missing husband. Tell her to back off and let her know what your consequences will be. Solicit her help and let her know there are other places to get babysitters and advice And that would be good positive people not negatives. I know she is your mother, I think my mother must be her long, lost sister. We feel betrayed by people like this. You keep loving your children and tell her to stop it. STraight out.

you have a TON on your plate. you are allowed to lose your temper occasionally. your mother is bipolar at best. she needs help. YOU need help, now that she's raised you to think so little of yourself. who is the crappy mom now? you sound like a good mom who is doing the best she can. what a shame that such a loving helpful dutiful daughter should be rewarded by having a manipulating damaged mother.

FOCUS ON YOUR KIDS. everytime it bugs you to think of her accusing you of being a bad mom, throw out an "i love you" or a hug to one of them and see what happens. that is your proof. you are NOT a bad mom.

mothers are the single most influential people in our lives. a negative or positive word from a mother can make you or break you. and you got a real winner. sorry dear. but on the bright side, it's her, not you.

PS, one of the hardest lessons i had to learn (with my own father) is that you cannot emotionally invest in people that are unattainable. she isn't interested in a positive, healthy relationship with you. this will become toxic to your children if it hasn't already. is that worth keeping her in your life?

first of all, good for you for posting this, for getting some support, and most of all FOR BEING A GOOD MOM! you have nothing to be humiliated about. you have a lot on your plate and the person who should have your back more than anyone else in the world is busy inserting knives between your ribs. who the hell would judge your being a bit raw?
your mother is completely out of line. you can't control what she says to other people, but you CAN control your relationship with her, and how she interacts with your kids.
tell her point blank that you will not accept any more abusive phone calls from her and will hang up if she attacks you. then do so. it's not rude if you've warned her.
tell her point blank that she is not to say one single solitary negative thing about you to your children, including these 'innocent' vicious questions. i'm not sure how possible it is to keep the kids from her, and i'm very hesitant to suggest curtailing a relationship between a child and a grandparent. but that is a virulently toxic thing to do. make it clear that if she continues to do it, her time with her grandkids will be limited or cut off altogether. your kids need their grandma but they sure don't need to be interrogated and have their words twisted like that. closely supervised visits only if mom doesn't straighten up.
it is really not worth it to have her babysit and constantly undermine you like this, hon. it sucks, but i can only imagine how it infringes on your precious 'away' time to know what she's working on back home. find someone kind and neutral.
yelling at kids is not the end of the world. not everyone is a quiet patient mother, and quite frankly not all kids need that kind of mom. your imperfections do not make you less of a good mom. you can be frank with your children if you have gone overboard in the yelling department, telling them that you were operating from a place of stress, and apologize. kids can handle knowing their parents make mistakes.
give your mom the help she needs when you must, but draw very clear bright boundaries around what behavior you'll accept from her. do it. you and your kids all deserve it. then develop some good relationships with positive people who will not judge you the way your mother does.
good luck!
khairete
S.

It is hard enough to be a mother, we criticize ourselves enough. I know she is your mom so cutting her out of your life completely would be hard, but you need to be firm with her. Right now you need her support and if she can not be supportive you will need to find someone who can. Look into a babysitting coop with other moms, find a play group it is great for the kids but more important a support system for you. Distance my be what you and your mom need to realize what you each offer to the relationship and if you both want it to continue.

Even though she is your mom, you need to distance yourself as much as possible. This behavior is not good for you or your children. By her behaving this way, you are basically showing your children that this is normal mother/daughter behavior and it certainly is not. No one will love your children like you do - EVER! Even if you yell once and a while (we all break down sometimes) that does not make you a bad mom.

In short, you do not need anyone to direct you negatively (even your own mother), you have too much going on as it is. Focus on your life and your children and let her go. If she needs help, send a housekeeper or help her use her insurance to hire a nurse. You do not have to be the one, she is too cruel and degrading. If your mother asks what is going on, tell her and still keep your distance. You are an adult, choose what you need to make you life complete not negative.

Live your life girl, and get out, she is no good for you!

You are so precious!! I am not sure what you should do about your mother. I guess if I was in your shoes I would somehow find some kind of humor to break the tension. I can get a bit yelly too. It helps if somehow I can pop a joke and turn the mood. I homeschool and my kids are with me 24/7. It gets hard. There are times when I can get them all on my team and boy we can cruse. Cut yourself some slack, you have more than your share. Give yourself a pat on the back if the house is still standing, the kids are all alive, and there is food on the table.

First, a hug - ((HUG)). Your mom and mine sound like similar people. Luckily, mine lives out on the east coast, so I don't have to deal with her being a neighbor.

Please don't let her undermine your confidence in your own ability to be a good mom! Your mom is not right, and her behavior toward you shows that she is far from the perfect, loving mother herself. Right now, you are vulnerable - being a de facto single mom while your husband is deployed is tough enough a challenge without her brand of "help." But please, for your own sake, don't submit to your mother's manipulations in the name of daughterly duty. She is not treating you lovingly. Ask yourself what she gets out of treating you this way - what need of hers is she fulfilling by putting you down? If she can only feel good about herself by stepping on your head, then nothing you do or say is going to help. So, knowing that you can't change anyone's behavior but your own, decide how you will approach her and where the boundaries need to be, then calmly but firmly set them. And stick to them. Just as when you are dealing with your children, follow-through matters in this situation.

Find a babysitter and set up a time to sit down and talk with her without your kids. Let her know that she has already raised you - her job is done, and it is not her place to tell you how to raise your own children. Let her know that her behavior is causing you enough pain that you are considering limiting your contact with her. Give specific examples. Then let her know what acceptable behavior looks like. I had to tell my own mom that using my babies in an attempt to control me (like your mom did when she questioned your 6 y.o. about whether you are a good mom) is so far from okay that it could mean she loses the chance to be around her grandchildren. Gossiping about you to your neighbors should also be off limits if she wants to maintain family connections. Her behavior toward you right now is not loving and supportive - it is undermining and manipulative, and the last thing you need right now.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this tough situation. Good luck.

Boundaries and distance . . .it's a tall order when your husband is deployed and you are on your own, but for my own sake I would do it.

I also wonder if your mom is jealous of you - sad as it is, it does happen.

And, as another parent mentioned, I would also wonder about dementia.

Whatever the cause, I would protect myself and my children from destructive behavior like this. I would also seek out a support group so I would not feel as tempted to turn to her. Good luck to you guys - here is a virtual <<hug>>.

Has she always been this way? Is this something new?

If she has always been this way, I would suggest you try to not ask her for help any longer. You and your children do not deserve this treatment. she sounds toxic.

If this is something new, like over the last year, I am wondering if she is ill, depressed or starting to have the beginning of a mental illness. This is NOT normal behavior. Encourage her to go in for a full physical even offer to go with her if needed.. Or if your father is there, speak with him about all of this..

Protect your children from her. Protect yourself from her.. Yes, I understand sometimes you need help or her assistance, but see if you can come up with your own community of other moms in your area so you guys can help each other out..

I just wanted to send you some hugs - sounds like you need them! You've already gotten lots of advice, so I won't add to that, but just know lots of us mommies are sending you hugs thinking about you and praying for you. Take care.

I am so sorry that your mom is making you feel insecure at a time when you most need support. I was a single mom that had to work and my mother always made me feel like I was the loser- mom because of it. I actually think she did a lot of damage in my relationship with my daughter so please be careful of how much time she is spending with your children and yes, I would recommend using alternative babysitting services, at least some of the time. My mother has always been in my life and still is, and has been there for me emotionally a lot, I don't mean to paint her as all bad. But now that I am older, I can see that the way she talked to me (and still does) had a major impact on my self esteem and especially my confidence as a mom. I think you should have a serious talk with your mom, because it sounds like she loves you from the apology, gifts, offers to help, etc. but I do think you need to calmly tell her that being a single parent while your husband is deployed is a tough job and one she probably didn't have to do so it's not like she knows what it's like to walk in your shoes. And while we all carry over parts of our parenting style and traditions from our family of origin, we also tweak some things and meld some things with our spouse so your mothering style might not be the same as hers and that's okay. Lastly, tell her that it's one thing to help you by making suggestions that any one mother would make to another, it is not okay to judge you and it's definitely not okay to talk to other people about it or to say anything directly to your child! That is gossip and she is gossiping about her own daughter. In other words, she needs to treat you as she would an adult friend who was a mother. If she would zip it if it was someone besides you, she should zip it. She is no longer your evaluator.

As far as whether or not there is any truth to her statements, you are the evaluator of that just as you would be for any opinion you hear on this site. If you want to make adjustments in your relationship with your children or change anything with how you relate to your children, you can do that based on advice you read on the internet, conversations with your friends, or just mulling over things in your head. Don't beat yourself up about yelling at your kids on a bad day. You have nothing to feel embarassed or humiliated about - this is a sign to me that you feel as though you are being judged and there is no judge of your parenting skills except you and your husband. Parenting is ongoing, we all learn as we go and make changes along the way and try different things. You love your kids and you are concerned with having a good relationship with them so you are doing what all parents do, and under difficult circumstances, you're trying your best, you're constantly evaluating what feels right and what feels wrong, what's working, what's not working and you're making your kids feel unconditionally loved along the way. Best of luck to you and many thanks to your husband for protecting all of us!

OMG!

Hey, I yell at my kids too. We are human and some days you can only take so much defiance, hitting, screaming, and whatnot. IT DOES NOT MAKE US BAD MOMMIES!

Set a nice strong boundary for your mom. Tell her you will not put up with her disapproving attitude or negative comments anymore and if she continues you will dis-include her in your life and her grandchildren's lives. She has no rights to them or to you. Yes, you will have to lean on others for support and watching the kids occasionally if you need to execute the consequence. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean we have to allow them in our life. Would you keep a friend in your life if they treated you like this?

I’m assuming your children are young. Keep in mind that what grandma says to them and to you does have a big impact. They will learn these same behaviors from her. Soon you’ll start hearing the same words out of their mouths directed at you and each other. So you want them to become her? You are the only one that can choose to break the cycle.

I come from a similar dynamic so I do understand. It saddens me that I don’t have a great relationship with my mom but she is who she is and I can’t change her.

Good luck to you!

i would not be emmbarrassed sorry for spelling. no one is perfect and every mom has a bad day every now and then, if it was suppose to be easy then there would be more stay at home moms. however, i would say to have confidence in yourself and as a parent and dont let her bullying get to you. and i would speak to her about how what she does makes you feel and if she continues i would set some serious boundaries. god bless.

I know how you feel with the mother thing. All though my mom has never told me I was a bad mom, because to everyone around her they would know its a lie. But my mom has mental issues, she steals from me and my family. She will act nice to me one day but if my sister or I tell her something she doesn't like I am on her bad side or I am walking on egg shells with her. It was the last straw with me when she sold my first wedding ring. I told her to hold on to it for me and when I found out my best friend's boyfriend wanted to propose I was going to give them that ring as a gift for her. My mom sold my ring to her twin brother who owns a pawn shop and had the nerve to tell me if I wanted it back I would have to pay for it to get it back. My uncle is a thief he will buy jewelery at a low price and sell it for twice the amount its worth. My husband paid $300 for it, its a half Carrot princess cut diamonds set in white gold. Now I am suing her for it.
my mom needs help too but remember this she has other people to do that. She has no right snooping in your business or coming up to your kids and asking questions like that. I would keep your kids away from her and you should never speak to her again since all she thinks is you are a bad mother. Trust me you keep messing with her like that she will end up making a false claim to social services and trust me you don't want them on your back. My family dealt with them for years. And I know how you feel with your husband being deployed, mine was deployed when I was pregnant but came home right before the birth. Right now we live in South Korea so we have no family or friends around.
You just keep your head up and keep away from your mother, can't help those who don't want to be helped, is what my grandpa taught me. Good luck and if you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to email me or add me on FB My name is A. Fernandez my email ____@____.com :) don't worry.

Please don't be embarrassed--you are not alone in having the doubts, and in having those days when you just wish you could start over, or at least let the earth swallow you up out of shame..... Every mom has them (and if they don't, they are probably not very self-aware...).

It does sound like you need to distance yourself from your mom, at least emotionally. You may need to get really firm with her: If she calls up to tell you you are a bad mom, tell her that she is not helping you AT ALL by saying this, and that the phone call is over. Then hang up. Don't be emotional/angry when you say it. Just be matter of fact. If she does the same thing in person, confront her gently (even if she is using a condescending tone but her words aren't bad), tell her it is not appreciated and counterproductive, and tell her to stop. If she does not, ask her to leave (or tell her you're leaving, and follow through and go). If she continues, you may have to stop answering the phone or letting her come and visit until she stops.

The people around you, who see you with your kids and know you, will not believe what she is saying. Just because a 6yo is clueless about the answer to an inappropriate question doesn't mean that there is anything wrong! Kids understand actions so much more than words....

If you can, in a separate conversation, you might suggest to your mom that all her tearing down is something that is really unhealthy for her, for her relationships, and for those that love her, and strongly urge her to get counseling.

For yourself, if there are counseling services that you can get through military spousal support, definitely take them up on it. Through counseling, you may be able to build up your confidence and thicken your skin so her comments/undermining don't effect you as much.

All of this is easier said than done, of course. I wish you much strength in dealing with this, and G-d bless you!

Yuck- I'm not sure why your mother would do this to you, but I would suggest distancing yourself from her. I'm sorry that she is somewhat reliant on you due to her condition, but helping her isn't your responsibility until she decides to keep her commentary to herself. Your children don't need to hear such things from her.

If she's in dire need of your help, then go over and do what you need to do without your children in-tow. If she wasn't your mom, you wouldn't be her friend. This isn't any different. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to like them too!

If I were you (but then again I don't really hold my tongue well in these situations), I would have a chat with your mom. Let her know that you appreciate her help with childcare, but you do not appreciate her commentary regarding your parenting skills. Let her know that you will help her around the house, if needed, but until she shows that she can respect you by not gossiping about you or making disparaging comments, she will not be around your children. Period.

Not all parents are mushy and overtly loving, but if your kids know that they are loved than it doesn't matter what others think! Easier said than felt, I know, but the odds are pretty good that your mom is lonely and likely mildly depressed and seeking-out attention the only way she knows how. Stop giving her the attention for her poor behavior and she may find another way to communicate.

You are a good mom. How dare her accuse you or belittle you. Do not let anyone treat you this way. Every mom has her days where she just isn't at her best-thats ok. We can't be perfect! I suggest you take her comments with a grain of salt and tell her if she can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! As for you, find some other people to care for your kids---church family, sittersplace.com, etc. She is toxic and not a good person to be around.
You need to get your mom confidence up-- try writing a list of all the wonderful things you love about yourself, the things you do with your kids, and then ask your kids to tell you all the things they are grateful for you about---write them down. When she gets down on you again, you can whip out your list and remember where your truth is-- your kids opinion is the one that counts. Not your mom's. Good luck!

M

I don't really have advice, but I just wanted to give you a {hug} and let you know that you are not alone. Don't feel humiliation or anything like that. Mothers can really pull our chains. I have no real relationship with my mother - my choice - because of her narcisistic personality and lots of crappy behaviours. I had to cut the ties for my sanity. You have to do what you have to do for YOUR family (you/hubby/kids) - parents become 2nd tier to some extent once you have your own kids. If you have to limit the time you spend with her for your sanity, do it. And if she asks why, just be honest and non-judgemental. If she can't deal, that's her problem. Polite and limited contact may be the only way to go. Good luck!

Don't delete the question! Lots of us have moms who are lacking in some way/are shaming/don't show up for us, etc., etc., etc.! (my own is passive aggressive--made a comment in a nasty tone of voice that my daughter had me wrapped around her finger shortly after she was born--for once I had a comeback and said, "Of course she does--that's how it is supposed to be!"). And of course you are raw emotionally with your husband gone. Do you have other emotional support? Are there ways you can find some? Are there support groups in your area of other parents where the partner is deployed?

I don't know that I have any good answers to your question. Maybe to treat your mom like another child: set limits for her behavior (ie, I would appreciate if you would not talk about me like that in front of my children), and enforce consequences if she doesn't comply (ie, not helping in her house!). But mostly I want to say you are not alone in your mom issues. Thanks for posting.

Ignore her life goes on...
If anybody has the perfect family on here i'd love to hear about it...