Meals and Sanity!

I'd have to say that both my kids ate so much better once I cut out the snacks. Once I did that, they were actually hungry for their meals. Good luck!

The part of your story that sticks out to me is that every meal takes about 2 hours. So if you start breakfast at 8, then your done or give up at 10, then at 12 you try for lunch and then give up around 2 and then around 5 you try dinner and end at 7, plus snacks in between? Ummm.

Try putting a time limit on her chance to eat main meals. Once everyone is at the table eating, give her 30m to eat. If she says that she is done, or just won't eat, put her down from the table. Put her meal in the fridge. When she asks for a snack later, offer her the meal that she didn't want earlier.

For snack time, try giving her Pediasure shakes. They are meal suppliments for picky eaters.

There are some battles that need to be fought and others that are best left alone. Put the meal on the table. Give her a reasonable amount of time to eat it and then take it away - done or not. Then - no snacks. Just water until the next meal. Same thing - Put it there, give her time to eat it, and take it away. Do not give snacks or juice between meals. Do not have sweets in your house. If you want to serve snacks, put out healthy ones like apple slices, carrots, or something like that in the afternoon.
Do not give in to the pleas...
It's not about finishing the plate. It's all about eating enough to be full and not overstuffing. Children eat when they are hungry.
Do keep a food diary and you'll see that she really is eating enough. My oldest was the pickiest eater ever. I thought he survived on air...
YMMV
LBC

R., you got a lot of great advice below -- don't let meals last anywhere near so long, cut out snacks if you want her to eat meals, or let her graze all day if that's fine with you. And of course don't give her all this attention centered on eating, etc. I would not make this a discipline issue at her age; she's reacting to the attention she gets whenever food is at issue and with 2-hour meals that's a lot of attention (kids can even love negative attention like fussing at them, believe me).

She is trying to gain control -- the reason potty issues and food issues are so often on Mamasource is because adults CANNOT force another human, however small, either to eat or poop, and kids instinctively learn that controlling those things for themselves is the first real control they get in their lives. Keep tabs on her health with the pediatrician but otherwise dial it all way, way down.

I wanted to add: Our godson was small and ate next to nothing too, until he was about five. Doctors did a great job freaking out his parents about how small he was though he was healthy. His parents ended up going from specialist to specialist and other than an easily dealt-with lactose intolerance and a few food allergies that are controllable, NOTHING else was wrong with him--no digestive issues, etc. Finally one doctor looked at his parents -- who are both short in stature, and his dad is very slim -- and basically said "You parents are small. He's small. It's genetics. He's fine." And what do you know, he started eating and to this day eats like a horse but is still and always will be a slim kid! I'm certainly not saying ignore doctors, if that becomes a route you have to take -- but if your daughter is medically healthy, look at yourself and your husband and think about the genetics at work! Finally, if you continue to stress about her dealing with the issues you had as a child etc. being teased about your small size, please seek some counseling for yourself so you don't pass your own fears along to her. Good luck!

Hi

It's hard when a child refuses to eat but no child will actually starve themselves. She is picking up on your anxiety and this is why she will not eat , the more of a fuss you make the more she will do it. Try not to focus on what she should be eating and what you want her to eat , when she does eat something just say good girl for eating your snack and leave it at that. If need be give her some of the snacks that she likes with her main meal and just 1 extra item of something that you want her to eat for example 1 piece of pasta or 1 stick of carrot and take it slowly from there. Will she take any multi vitamins at all? because you will probably need to give her some for the time being. You clearly do not like how natuarlly slim you are but if your daughter is also built that way then there is nothing you can do to change that , you just have to accept it and help her to make the most of the build that she has inherited. Some of it is her age aswell , people say about terrible 2's well I think age 3 is much worse especially with girls.

I hope it get's better for you

K.

Hi R.,
I have a son who loves his snacks as well and is a nightmare during dinner or really any meal. Embarrassingly enough my aunt pointed out that i literally chase him around so that he will have a bite of food or I am always trying to feed him myself. I did not even realizes this..I guess i was so desperate to get a few bites in him before he would clamp his mouth shut. I mean he is four and I swear does not even have to use a fork because I hand feed him. I am trying to change this after it was called to my attention. Anyway, I let him eat breakfast in bed on a tray while watching tv and he actually eats now. I know, not ideal, yet I am getting ready to go to work so it works for us. For some reason he loves this..i think he likes that it is on his terms and his timeline. He does eat lunch because he goes to school and the teachers say when the other children eat even non-eaters join in at this age. Although there are days when most of his lunch comes home. He also likes to play and gets on and off his chair so many times at dinner my head is about he spin..i put his booster seat back on the table..i actually gave him a choice and i strap him and and it is a little better...he actually loves the seat so i was not trying to be mean. without it he gets up to give me a hug 100 times...i love it yet it is such an excuse. Anyway, we started to say if you do not eat then you need to leave the table and stay out of the kitchen while we finish our meal. He did the first few times and then did not like that we continued eating without making a fuss about him and he eventually came around. I hate dinner time!

Anyway, a little progress made yet he reverts as well. I do know of a family who had this problem and they actually took their daughter who was 3 to an eating specialist. I had never heard about it yet it worked. They would literally go there and practice eating and new foods. Only because of your concern with giving her a body complex it might not hurt for you to have a sit down with a specialist to see how to avoid it. Although you are so aware of it that I am sure it will be ok. You are on top of it! Good luck!

Oh, does your daughter get to pick the food? I also get my son to help cook sometimes and that helps. I end up making a few dinners!

I have a 2.5 year old who also doesn't eat. However, my daughter does have weight gain issues according to her doctor and growth chart so we have some different issues. You didn't mention if your daughter actually has any growth issues if she does you should supplement with higher nutrition options instead of more food. My daughter often frustrates me so much I feel like crying by not eating, but you need to accept that you CANNOT make a child eat through any means that are acceptable. I know not eating is frustrating, but you are creating an unwinable battle for yourself and you NEED to stop before you create emotional and physical problems for your her. Here are some things that our nutritionist taught me.

Rule One - Meals should not last longer than 30 minutes unless the child is happily eating on her own. Longer and you make it a battle. Most nutrition is actually taken in in the first 5 minutes of a meal. After 30 minutes the plate goes away and nothing until snack time.
Rule Two - Serve 3-4 items per meal and try to make sure that at least two items are ones you know she likes. If she doesn't eat those items there are no replacements.
Rule Three - Use good meal hygene - Meals are always at the same time. Serve three meals and two snacks per day. I still serve the snack, but if my daughter hasn't eaten well she always gets a very healthy non-sugary snack. No sweet snacks unless she has eaten.
Rule Four- Do not allow the child to fill up on drinks before or during the meal(especially milk). We usually leave my daughters drink in the kitchen until she asks for it or put her off until mid-meal.

DO get your DR to refer your daughter to a nutritionist so that he or she can check what your child is actually getting enough calories and variety. He or she can either help or reassure you that she is getting good nutrition- if at all posible make sure its a pediatric nutritionist (it makes a difference).

That all being said - it is ok sometimes to punish bad meal time behavior. If my daughter decides not to eat and is being disruptive she goes to time out in another room while we eat (for 2-3 minutes then comes back). She typically eats better if we ignore her than if we pay attention bite for bite with her )then it becomes a game/battle). At the end of a meal whoever ate well can have a cookie if the kids ask for it. Evie rarely gets a cookie, but then she doesn't eat a cookie much better than any other food. She sees others getting positive reinforcement, but we don't handle it as a punishment. We also talk alot about how food makes us big and strong and that is starting to have an effect as well - you don't want to make food an enemy.

Oh and on the pediasure - it is a great supplement. However, it is VERY filling. If you are serving it as a snack - try to make it a before bed snack on particularly bad food days. My daughter lives off the stuff based on the nutritionists recommendations and I am thinking about trying to take her off the pediasure to see if it will help her eat more.

meals and sanity.. what a combination, especially when it
comes to girls, if only men had such insecurities. ( here kitty kitty ) now, that aside you have to figure that children pick up on our insecurities, not fun, but true
more later, my other half is working on the computer
K. h.

Amazingly enough it is very common and your Dr. prob. does understand. I have a daughter myself and i am also very slender. She is the worst eater. She eats healthy enough types food but the amount is horrible. I can't get her to eat a full meal as of yet. She is currently 7yrs and weights 35 lb. I'm going to give you advice focus on the first two meals of the day don't worry about dinner. I mean offer it but don't be worried if she eats very little. Load her up on on Breakfast and lunch. Give her a good breakfast most kids don't mind breakfast foods. Like pancakes or eggs or something. Try to make sure lunch includes peanut butter so your covering meat. (peanut butter is a good alternative to meat.) But don't worry about how much food she eats she won't die. I'm sure of that. But if you focus on how much she eats dinner will be a chore and she won't conform. good luck.

We had a simililar problem with our son who turned 3 in August. We have recently started a responsibility chart for him. Among the "chores" for him each day are to eat veggies, no whining, pick up toys, get ready for bed, etc. Obviously these are realistic for a 3 yr old. He covets trips to Target or Toys or Us to pick out toys so we have a deal that once he attains a certain number of stars, the trip for a toy is his reward. It was amazing how fast he ate his veggies the first night that we started this!!!! I think around 3 is when they can really understand working towards rewards and the chart helps them to see their progress.

Good Luck.

Do a food diary for a few weeks for her and see what and how much she is really eating. It will give you something to talk about at her next checkup. In the diary note her physical activities (is she running, jumping, active most of the time? Then she's burning up what she's eating.) On the other hand, if she's not busy and active all the time maybe some more activity would boost her appetite - is there a Little Gym near you? Can you start her in a toddlers gymnastics class? Is she putting on weight (even slowly)? Is her pediatrician concerned about any failure to thrive issues? At birth a baby's stomach is about the size of a walnut. As a toddler, her stomach is bigger but no way near as big as an adults. You and your husband are naturally thin people, so of course your children will also have a tendency to be like you. Make sure she has healthy nutritious food choices for when she is eating (don't be feeding her doughnuts, milk shakes and French fries just to fatten her up). You ARE already displacing your weight issues onto her. An average of 2 hours to get through a meal? I have a hard time thinking of any adults I know who could sit through meals that long let alone any toddlers. By the time kids start school, they have to sit at desks and spend time practicing writing and reading and that's when weight gain can start taking off for some kids. I think you should be working with a doctor and/or nutritionist to get a handle on your food expectations for yourself and your family.

You have great advice regarding the eating issues - but I just wanted to add that just because you have had issues with size and eating in the past, it doesn't mean it will be passed on to her - just set a good example for her and don't let her think it's ok to feel bad about yourself by exhibiting that in yourself, or by overcompensating for her eating issues based on your experience. Chat with your doctor to make sure she is getting enough nutrition, do what other posters said - cut out snacks, have set meal times so she knows when and what to expect, and make them small enough for her to eat it all...but cut it off after a certain amount of time so she will actually be hungry for the next mealtime. If a child gets hungry they will eat! Good luck and keep us posted!

You mentioned that she's snacking. If she's snacking, she's probably not hungry. Three meals is a lot of food for a 3-year-old. I'd avoid the snacks, replace with fruit and veggies and let her appetite build. Also, make sure you're monitoring her juice intake. The sugar in juice can fool the body into thinking it's eaten. If she's eating two nutritious meals, the doctor is probably right not to worry. Also, look at the portions. If you're serving large portions and she's eating any part of it, she might be getting just what she needs. Finally, do not obsess about her height and weight now. She will pick up on your anxiety and make it her own. This stage is probably a challenge, even without weight and height issues. I have the same challenge with my children. But, they're healthy overall. Add a liquid vitamin supplement to the juice she does drink to ensure she's getting her nutrients. Unless there is something wrong with a thyroid or other organ, she will eat when she is hungry, especially when she hits another growth spurt. Make sure she has healthy choices around the house and be grateful she has a wonderful genetic makeup. She'll be slender and tall, prayerfully without the obsessiveness that plagues many women in our society.

You have to be the one to set the limits, not your daughter. You have to be strong and tell her, this is dinner. If you are too full for dinner, then you are too full for a snack. One thing we found is that our kids used to drink an entire glass of milk at the beginning of dinner then were too full to finish dinner. Don't give in after a meal because she is hungry. I would have her wait until snack time to eat again. Another thought, maybe give her 6 small meals during the day and make sure that her portions are small enough that she doesn't feel overwhelmed at meal time to eat the whole plate. Remember, kids will eat when they are hungry. Kids will not willingly starve. Just make sure that her snacks are healthy ones. Good luck. Remember, this too shall pass and you will survive.

A toddlers stomach is only about as big as her closed fist so not much is going to fit in there in the first place. For many it's healthier and suits their bodies to eat 6 small meals a day over 3 big meals and a snack.

My daughter was and still is to a certain extent a "grazer", she prefers small meals more often over 3 "big" meals at the "prescribed" times. Which is fine with me. When she was little it didn't take long to figure out this is how she functioned best. And fighting with her to eat a "full" meal was just a useless waste of time and energy.

Here's an example of what a day of meals for her was/is like: 8am, small bowl of cereal with milk (or one packet of instant oatmeal, etc); 10-11am, some yogurt or string cheese, sometimes with carrot sticks sometimes not; Noon-1pm, a sandwhich or some other lunch (ramen noodles, ravioli, etc); 3-4pm: baby carrots dipped in ranch dressing or a small salad or celery with pb, more cheese or yogurt, or etc; 6-7pm Dinner: usually with SMALL portions of whatever I've made for dinner. So clearly she was and still is getting plenty to eat and her growth has always been fine. But it just worked better for her to eat smaller meals more often.

We have some junky snacks, more so now that they're older than when they were younger, but we also always have plenty of healthy snacks for them to chow on. Food is for nutrition and the bigger an issue you make out of it the more of a chance you have of HER having the same issues SOOOO many of us have in this culture. Let her eat when she's hungry and when she's done let her be done. Give her smaller portions of balanced meals. When my kids were little we used plates not much bigger than a bread plate for their meals and for the most part that was more than enough, but if they wanted more they could have it.

Anyway, as others have said ... she won't starve herself so just make sure that she's getting nutrient rich foods when she does eat and relax a little (or a lot). EMBRACE that you just naturally have a great metabolism. Thin isn't wrong as long as you're healthy, just like large isn't wrong as long as you're healthy. We're so freaking obsessed with weight and fitting everyone into the same freakin "mold" ... one that is overall pretty damn unhealthy for most people ... that we've created a whole host of eating disorders and self-image issues that are just plain stupid and quite frankly insane.

Good luck and I hope some of what worked for us might be helpful to you :)

Oh boy, what a frustrating situation ! well my daughter was somewhat similar.You need to chill out over mealtimes for your own sanity!You say you dread mealtimes, weell so does she ! Don't think of your own weight issues, I rather have a skinny child than a overweight one ! Here is what I did, and it worked for us: I offered a meal I knew she would like, no toys at the table and no getting up, or she goes back in a highchair ! After we (the rest of the family) were done eating and she wasn't, I gave here a bit more time(10 min)and then she was done! If she didn't eat her meal, I would tell her, the only alternative is a piece of bread with butter on it.If she didn't want that, there is no more food !once she gets hungry again offer the previous, not eaten meal or the bread! be very firm about that!You also mentioned she likes to snack, offer healthy nonsugar snacks. Also,make the meals look fun ,use a cookie cutter to cut out her sandwiches, make faces out of fruit/veggies, etc. Kids want meals to be fun, not struggles. I know it is hard not to see her eat properly, but it will take some time and she will come around. just keep snacking to a minimum, as their tummies are still small and snacking can make them fuller , than we would think.
My husband took over the eating battles for a while, with his calm and non forcing ways, he smoothed the way for me to step back and look at it from another side and finally I was more relaxed at the table!we still have the occasional food battle, but the butter bread is still the only alternative and she knows not to even ask for something else(she is 7 now) ! good luck to you !

Obviously this a very big concern for you. Have you discussed this with the pediatrician? If not, I would. Also, talk with the doc about the Kennedy Krieger feeding disorders program. It is a wonderful program for all types of feeding issues. They can help. check them out http://www.kennedykrieger.org/kki_diag.jsp?pid=1084

My children all have different eating styles. My 13 yo DS just never stops, I have to tell him to let someone else have some food. My 11yo DS, eats 3 meals 2 snacks period. Then theres my almost 7yo DD, I call her the grazer. About every 3 hours she has a snack, I keep aminly healthy food, she loves gresh fruit and veggies, cheeses, any mexican food, really just any food. I make sure that all of them have some sort of breakfast - a protein, a fruit and some fiber, even if it peanut butter covered apple with some water or OJ. Then, when they are home, I have snacks, fruits, veggies, cheeses, hummus and they get somethng when they are hungry, or let me know if they want something more substantial. I make dinner (not processed foods, actually cook and bake) most nights, we do have an occasional pizza or chinese food, but they prefer mommy made. My daughter, the grazer, may eat 1/4 to 1/2 cup food at dinner, and that's just fine. I try to have something for desert, yesterday I made an apple pie, tonight it will probably be fruit smoothies. The point is, if you offer nutritious snacks and thought out meals, you may not think that she's eating anything, but you would be wrong. Children do not, as a rule, starve themselves.
You could also go to the book store and find a children's cookbook, I use the one that my mother used with my sister and I. Let her pick out recipes that she wants to make, start getting her involved now with choosing the correct foods. One thing that I did find out, they get bored with boring colored food. Try going to the local farmers market and see what food colors she likes. Mine are all over the rainbow with the food that they like, and don't like.
One last thing, DO NOT get into the habit of making food just for her. Make one meal for the family, if she does not like what is offered for dinner, direct her to her snack stash. The rule in my house is, if you have never tried a food that I, or anyone else, am serving, you MUST try 2 spoons/forks full. If you don't like it, then you don't have to finish it. Just make sure that you are putting child sized portions on her plate, her stomach is a little larger than her fist.
And by the way, every now and then my little 48lb, 3, 10" girl, will outeat her brothers who are 11 and 13! Last night my oldest(13) had 4 tacos, my youngest(6) had 5!

Hi R.,

I did not get a chance to read all the responses but this is how my daughter and I have worked through this...I do not think of eating each day as 3 meals and snacks anymore. I think of the whole day as ONE big meal. If I get a bowl of cereal in her in the morning and she asks for a something to eat later, I will offer her a fruit/yogurt/cheese stick, applesauce, carrot sticks...etc (any healthy food that will complement her bowl of cereal) The next time she asks for food, I will offer her the same things minus what she ate before so if she chose a fruit, I will offer her veggies/dairy snacks...by the end of the day, she has eaten something from each food group (hah-here she comes right now looking for food) and it may not be a lot but at least it was balanced and on her terms so I don't feel like I am destroying her own confidence in knowing when she is hungry and when she is full, she has to learn to listen and trust her body's full and empty signals to be a healthy eater later.My kids prefer the Kid Essentials and I will split one in half and add a LITTLE extra whole milk to it(she is unaware of this)I will only use these early after meals, I will not give one within an hour of a meal bc I have seen that she has more trouble eating. If my kids are hungry around dinner time and there are ~20 min before they can eat, I just tell them that it is dinner time and they are supposed to be hungry, dinner will be soon...I will give them 1-2 oz of water if they are "starving", these are the days that they usually eat really well. Our rule is that you have to have 1 bite of everything and then you may be excused, but your dinner will be waiting if you are hungry later.(I am VERY careful about putting tiny amounts on my kids plates and letting them ask for more if they want it)But if they eat what I deem a healthy amount of their dinner,they may have desert if they ask for it. I think that time will also help, my daughter has been like this since she turned ~2, she is now almost 4 and really beginning to grow out of this behavior-I am sure part of it is our approach as well though. My daughter is tiny and active but healthy, her last 2 years she has been off the bottom of the curve for weight and in the 5th for height for her age group. I am hoping that she makes it onto the chart this year! Good luck, I hope something here helps!

K.

You have the power to stop the food war by ignoring this behavior. This war is probably being waged by your toddler as a way to get your attention. No matter how much attention you give a toddler they always want more, so I am NOT suggesting that she is being ignored at present.
My suggestion is when you prepare meals, set her a place with a smaller plate. Call her to supper as normal and offer her choices of what she wants from what you have prepared. If she wants something, only put about a teaspoon of it on her plate (if she wants more she can always have it). Then proceed to enjoy your dinner with your family. If she decides that she is finished eating, then let her leave the table while you continue eating dinner. Don't make a big deal about it, but once she leaves the table, do not give her any further attention until after you have finished eating dinner. You will need to be firm about this and let her see that you are enjoying your meal and let her know that once you are finished, she may have your attention again. Children will rarely starve themselves and as long as you make sure that she eats the healthy foods before she gets the treats, she will eventually eat.
Toddlers have a need to control what they can, which is very little. (What and when they eat, potty training, and clothing issues are about their limit.) This is why you can ask her at dinner does she want to eat. Give her the option of which vegetable, does she want a piece of bread with butter or without. Make it her choice what she eats. This will give her a sense of control at dinner.
Another thing it to involve her in the preparation of the meal. Again, make it her choice as to which of 2 or 3 side dishes you serve and let her help, even if it is just watching it in the microwave and letting you know when it is done. Children involved (even slightly) in meal prep feel that they have some control over the food and therefor are more likely to eat it.
When my daughter was little, when I let her pick the color of her scrambled eggs (food coloring!),she was more likely to eat breakfast. As she got older she was allowed to stir the eggs, and eventually cook them. She is now a teen, eats a wide variety of foods, and cooks 1 week of every 3.
With toddlers it is all about control. When we give them choices and let them help, they feel like they have some control over their world - which as adults we tend to forget is a big, scary place for these little people.
Just my suggestions. Take what you can use and ignore the rest.