Married Couples with Children from a Previous Marriage

Hi A.,

I know this is heartbreaking. My grandmother had favorites and they were all "blood" related! I was not one of the favorites BTW :)

I think you handled it appropriately but obviously he has this idea in his head and it probably won't shake loose anytime soon. My suggestion is wait for the next "incident" and try again. Maybe grandmother would take your daughter for a few hours and do "girl" things? Have you asked? If it is unintentional, she may just need some prodding.

If it comes to it, you can always show him the letter you sent mamasource asking for help (out of desparation) and let him know that there are other women out there that have had the same ciricumstance.

Sorry I couldn't help. I think this is going to take patience on your part and a lot of communication with your daughter...

God bless!

M.

Do not bring up the apple issue again.

The only way to resolve this is to confront the Mother-in-Law directly and let her know that your daughter feels left out because she is not a blood relative. Ask your Mother in Law for HER advice and opinion on how to make your daughter feel a part of the family. Let her know your daughter seeks acceptance because she really loves the family. This way you are working together, there are no accusations and she should appreciate you asking for her advice and help. Your husband is only being defensive of his Mother and doesn't want to deal with the conflict. Sometimes you have to go around the issue to resolve it. Encourage your daughter to do nice things for your Mother-In-Law like draw a nice picture, give her hugs or compliments to her food, etc. Sugar works better than salt and just continue to pour on the sugar over time. I know it is not your daughter's job to break the line barrier. The Mother-In-Law should definitely be making the effort. Hopefully, she will come around to understand and be more fair and accepting. Otherwise if it continues or worsens, I would confront her directly.

Never take your daughter's feelings lightly. I have a son from my first marriage and for some time it was just me and him, when i remarried and had a daughter, i knew it was hard on him but did not see what was coming my way. I learned to take every single little word seriously because being 3 he could not really express himself well enough yet. My husband is great with both kids but if I ever see any of his family members or even himself make the slightest difference between my children, I would make sure everybody knows how the children feel and how it affects my family.
I have my husband's support on that, I know your situation is a little different.
All I can say is, you are not overreacting. You are being protective of your daughter's emotional well being and that is our job as mothers.
Hope this helps!

If your husband didn't come from a broken home then he doesn't understand what you are telling him about how your daughter feels. I came from a broken home and my step-mothers mother always did more for her biological daughter then she did for my brother and I. It was very disheartening as a young child for this to happen. To your daughter, it wasn't about an apple, it was about feelings of how the grandmother treated and responded to her. It made her feel left out. Try sitting down with your husband and talking to him about what it is like growing up in a broken home and how it feels to be a child feeling left out or feel like they are less important than biological children/grandchildren. Maybe you can make him understand. Good luck and I hope that you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

My 8yr old is not my hubby's daughter but my 2yr old son is. His family treats her no different than my son nor with their cousin that isn't even 1yr old yet when she gets bigger. I can understand your frustrations and your daughter is old enough to understand her feelings as well. I will agree with one mom who said that your daughter is old enough to understand she didn't eat her dinner there for she doesn't get an apple yet the 3yr old isn't quite able to understand that concept yet. I my house, neigher one would have gotten the apple if they didn't eat but that is neither here nor there. Now if G-ma comes to the house every Sunday and takes the boy to the zoo or park without your daughter, then yes, you and her have every right to say something. She is being left out and it's not fair. But if G-ma takes little Jonny to the park one weekend and little Sally to the zoo the next, then the playing field is pretty equal.

You might also be reading into all of G-ma's actions too much now too since you are more aware that she seems to favore one child over the other. Try taking a step back and clearing your head of any misconceptions and past issues you've had. Start fresh with a clear and open mind and ask your daughter to do the same.

As for your daughter, if G-ma really is showing favorites, then let her talk to her about it! She is 10yrs old and is very able to express her feelings to another adult. Let them sit outside or in a room alone and talk it over without any one else in there playing ref or speaking over one of them. Just make sure it is your daughter's feelings she is expressing and not yours. Remember, we have a huge influence on how our own children preceive things and can sway them our way without even realizing it!!!

Good luck!
S.

i just read your question, and haven't read the responses yet, but i will tell you my opinion..

YOU are your daughters 'mother bear', YOU are her advocate and it's YOUR job to make sure she is treated exactly the same as your son... in my opinion, i would tell (not ask) my husband to talk to his mother that she will NOT treat your daughter any differently than your son, and if it happens, that she will NOT see either of the children. i would also tell him that he MUST get on board with the concept. remember, he's the 'new addition' to the family. your daughter has been in the family (your family) longer than he has. she deserves the protection. what his reluctance to jump in on your daughters behalf tells me is that HE also feels the same way.. and even if he doesn't say it outloud, your daughter will be able to feel it. that will work devilish things on her self confidence. if he refuses, or worse admits he feels this same way, you might give him a cold dose of reality and 'things to think about': does he want to live a life in harmony WITH his stepdaughter he shows extreme respect and love for, or become a VISITOR of his son? again, that's my opinion.

remember, it's YOUR job to protect your daughter. the worse thing in the world is when a child can't rely on a parent to protect them, and in that instance, where does that child turn? you're the only person between her and the world... thank you for being strong enough to acknowledge the problem!!

God will give you strength to do this for her.

A.,

I go through something very similar. My DH has a 3-year old daughter from before we met, and we have a 9-month old son together and have been married for two years. His mother seriously favors my step-daughter. Granted, the poor little girl is one of four children living primarily with her mother (who is single) and is not well taken care of by her mother. But that is no reason to show favortism. My mother-in-law is going to have my step-daughter with her for Christmas (my DH is in the military and will be "away" through xmas) and have presents for her. And I do not expect her to send my son anything at all for Christmas, since she has not even asked what size he's in or what he needs. It infuriates me that she shows this very blatent favortism towards one child. You are not overreacting one bit. My situation is very similar to yours, and I understand what you're going through. It's terrible to know that your child feels like she's loved less by grandma. You have every right to protect your child's feelings. After all, children crave unconditional love from their grandparents. It is something that kids need in their lives. Your daughter is old enough to see what is going on and now feels like she's loved less, which probably hurts her so much at this age. I know my parents are buying exactly the same number of presents for my son and step-daughter, even though my son is too young to understand and my step-daughter will open her xmas presents a month or so later. After Christmas, I am definitely going to express to my husband how angry I am about this and how unfair it is to our son. I also will fully expect my DH to have a very serious discussion with his mother about this. He has actually already had a talk with her about showing favortism, but I guess she just doesn't care enough to take it seriously. I'm to the point now that I do not even go out of my way to call her. I just e-mail or send her pictures of my son every couple of weeks to keep her up to date on him. Otherwise, I've accepted that this is how she is and I will have no real relationship with her. I would keep on your husband about this, as long as it doesn't put too much of a wedge in your own relationship. For now, just reassure your daughter that she's loved by everyone, especially you.

K.

I think you are kind of overreacting and being sensitive. Just my opinion.

This is a touchy situation that should be handled very delicately. You sure don't want to end up divorced! I believe in that situation, I would continue to try to talk to my husband calmly and try to make him understand (every time) that they are making your daughter feel second-rate to your son, and why. (Also, I would have given her an apple, too, that day. If it was candy or cake or something, I would have put my food down and neither one of them would have gotten it after not eating; but an apple is healthy and can be used as a dietary supplement.)
Our situation was a little different in that it wasn't an "every day" occurence, just an occasional one. Before and after my divorce my ex-inlaws were always treating my son better than my daughter and both of my children were from my first husband! But, it definitely showed to everyone, and my daughter finally started picking up on it as she got older. But, she did't see them very often. Since she was older, I would let her decide if she wanted to go visit with them; sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. But, they have seem to have evened out their favoritism over the last couple of years. Maybe it was because they ended up having eight grandchildren! (LOL!) Or maybe it was because she didn't always come to visit with them?
Good luck to you!

There are times when I treat my children differently because of their age difference. If the mother-in-law is denying the 10 year old an apple because of age assuming she knows the rules concerning eating... maybe I can see her reasoning... if that's not the case I agree with you and think that you did the right thing by addressing the problem with your husband, but be careful and make sure you are not planting the negative ideas in your daughters head by constantly bringing attention to every little thing done by the in-laws.

Hey, I just read what you wrote & I do not think that you are over reacting. Before you had your son you were already a mother. As a great mom you want all to be happy but respect must still be installed. Yes, that is your husband's mom but those are your children (take control). You know I remember being a kid (I am the oldest)& everything that I wanted to do it included my sister. So if she had asked for an apple & got it, then I were to ask I would get. My mother would say, "I don't give a ****about what ohers do or say when it comes to their children but mine you will not separate them nor treat them different. See, we have different fathers too as do my children.

What I am trying to say is, that my be his mom but I would like her know. I would not be rude nor disrespectful but I would draw the line. I have learned over time that men no matter what race or culture, when it comes to the mamas they are punks. Stop putting him in the middle pull your children until she can respect both.
One more thing, it was just an appple. If you want your husband to be on your team ask him how much does he love your daughter? I am sure it is alot but you still need to know where his head truly is and which team is he playing on. I would then say something like, "I know that your mom means well(smile)but I just need you to see what I am seeing. If she is truly playing favorites then she do it again but YOU want your husbands to see the same as you. So hopefully by then it will be something more noticable that can be pointed pointed out to him. So, be patient,calm and respectful. One more thing before I go,STOP LETTING HER SEE YOU SWEAT, that is another reason why she does what she does. Take care

Key

First I will say my heart goes out to you! Second, I don't have an answer but I will share with you...
My husband and I have been married for 23 yrs this coming February, he married me and 4 year old twins (boy,girl). I have said he treated me better while the children were there than while they would be away visiting their dad's family on the weekends. That is another story - I tell you this to share... that his mom has 10 grandchildren, three of which are step-grandchildren and has done a wonderful job at inclusion. In fact I have seen where she treats the three better than the natural grandchildren that don't visit as often, even so she does play favorites. I say this to also say my twins are now 27, my daughter lives with a guy that has two other children - she also has an eight year old daughter. I struggle with accepting the relationship (not married), but I have found that the natural feelings/bond I have with my natural granddaughter are so much more than with his daughter that I have known since she was four, now 10. I struggle with these feelings, and try to be considerate, but it isn't easy - little things she does grates on my nerves, and I see my granddaughter picking up some of her annoying traits/habits. That makes me feel bad, but I don't seem to be able to not have these feelings. She is a sweet child, and undeserving of my lack of attention, positive or negative? I do try to include her. I just want you to know that some people are naturally compassionate and accepting of other children, and others like me have to really work at it - and sometimes little things like not letting the other child have an apple are moments of thoughtlessness that arises without the time to process the repercussions of what statement our actions are revealing... intentional and/or unintentional?
So, in this I suggest a little more understanding, but also don't feel that it is a bad idea to approach your mother-in-law and point out in a nice way (away from the children)that maybe she should have handled it a different way to be more considerate of the feelings of your older daughter.
I had a step grandmother at birth and looked at her and was treated by her as an oldest grandchild, when I 22 her oldest natural born son (4yrs old than I) had his first son, her first natural grandson. Even though she was there when I was born, I noticed she showed favoritism to the two boys in ways - for example in the display of their pictures, attending school and ball activities, etc. Being 23, you would think I would be more understanding - at no time did she treat me ugly or mean - but these ations spoke loudly still... the boys mother I feel unintentionally helped this separateness - I loved my Ma Ma and Pa Pa and was the only other grandchld that took the time to visit them rather than the two boys. I know I was special to them because of those visits, but it didn't keep my mom and her sister and their families from being treated like step children at my Ma Ma's funeral in April, and even my Pa Pa's funeral in November. Because of my uncle (sweet as he is)and his wife still viewed himself as first child with three older 1/2 sisters?
My advice is to share with your daughter the meaning of a step parent - someone that has to make a choice to love, rather than the special bond that comes from loving your natural born child, and then the child born from that child is even greater. It is the difference between making a choice to love, and then a love that is already there. Your mother-in-law didn't marry you, her son did. She has choices to make on how to love you and your child - that love has to grow with time. The bigger person chooses to love in all ways, to some that comes through a compassionate nature, unfortunately we all do not have that same nature.
Good luck - It was revealed to me when my grandchild was born and the all consuming love that I felt and wanted to share with someone - the only other person that could have possibly felt that way would have been the natural grandfather. My husband loves her, but there isn't that same unconditional love. I believe God's intentions for marriage/family is not revealed through failed marriages. Even though as always the Lord allows good to come from our failures in most cases - it still isn't His true desire for us. But, we have to make the most of it...
Sorry for the long response... hope this helps in some way... try to have a little patience - I'm sure the love will grow - 10 year olds can be the beginning of a hard stage with attitude. I find 10-12 year olds are adjusting to not being little girls, just before everything else starts happening - hang in there.

M.
Mother of 4, MiMi of 8 yr old granddaughter and one on the way.

I think your husband took his mom's side, which isn't always a bad thing, if she is right. Sometimes there is an obvious bias towards one child over another and sometimes the parent of the stepchild is just over sensitive.

You are still your son's mom. I would have just said nicely that he couldn't have an apple either, since he didn't finish his supper as well. I have two daughters and they have the SAME father. They watch carefully. If they perceive that one is getting more then the other, I hear about it. I try to be fair.

Sometimes there are extentuating cicumstances where it isn't always going to be equal. I'll let them know my reasoning behind it. Sometimes they like it and sometimes they don't, but I am still in charge.

It can be that you have only noticed when your MIL doesn't give your daughter what she wants, but doesn't notice when she DOES.

My advice to you is to watch the situation carefully. I know it is tough. Wishing you and your family all the best.

It's hard trying to have a husband step in and handle his family. I know from experience, anytime something is said about their family they take it as a personal attack. The apple incident might be a "battle" you have to handle on your own or let it go. He may have different feelings about your daughter since she is his stepdaughter. I don't know what to tell you to do, but please don't let the favoritism continue. Maybe have your daughter talk to him? Also, could the age difference have affected why your MIL gave your son the apple. I am in no way defending her, but she might have thought that a 10 year old should eat all her dinner, but that a 3 year old can have off/picky days. If you do not feel the situation is resolve revisit it with your husband. To him it may be just an apple, but to you and your daughter it is something much deeper.

I am not remarried but am putting in my 2 cents as a parent. :) I agree with much of the advice here (particularly Deanna S.), but wanted to add that, IMO, you and your husband are the disciplinarians of your children--not Grandma. She should've asked you whether each child could have an apple. Maybe you could tell her politely what your food-related rules are, and ask her to help you enforce them. That way, you're enlisting her help and working together, as some have suggested. This approach could apply across the board--not just to apple incidents. :)

Personally, I'd lay it out. I knew someone whose MIL would only give gifts to her biological grandchildren until the mom took her aside and said, "You don't have to love my children as much as you love your son's, but you do have to act like it if you want to see any of them. These are children, and they need to feel loved. Have some mercy and generosity and treat them all the same."

So if it were my kid being made to feel like that, I'd tell my husband that we needed to be a team and I'd tell his mom that she could act like they're all her grandchildren or none of them are.

I want to say that in regards to your feelings and those of your daughters, there is no right or wrong answer. How you feel is how you feel.
I agree that it should be your husband to say something to your mother-in-law, but unfortunately, he doesn't see it the same way as you, so that is not an option anymore.
The only thing you have control over is how you feel (and your daughter's feelings is what she can control).
This may sound kind of weird, but I have something for you to try. Take a piece of paper and write your mother-in-laws name at the top. Then, write down a list of positive things about her. These can be as simple as you liking the way she fixes her hair. When you are done with this exercise, you should feel a little better about her. This will make seeing her the next time a little easier on you. You can have your daughter try this as well.
Ultimately, we all want to feel good in this life and that is why I am suggesting this exercise. I have other things to try too, so if you (or anyone else) would like to know more, please feel free to contact me.
Take care of yourself,
R.

I am in the same situation. My mother in law thinks I am too out spoken, too, AND I went and married her favorite, so I try to let my husband handle things with her. I came from a home where the step dad was a molestor, so I am very careful to have things transparent and balanced with blending my family. You are right, things have to be fair and balanced. I would speak up and tell them its not acceptable on any level to treat children differently. They would not do that if your daughter was a friend of your son who was tagging along with him, would they? It starts with subtle things like apples. Besides, if neither of them ate dinner well, wouldnt they be more likely to eat an apple because they were hungry and didnt LIKE the dinner? Its not like it was candy they asked for, right?

I don't think the apple thing is a big deal. He is only 3 and she is 10, she should know she needs to eat her dinner. What should have been said is " you're brothers only 3 you're alot older than he is you know how to eat all your dinner" or something like that. When they start doing things like taking you son or another cousin to the zoo and not talking your daughter. Talk to your daughter and explain to her that no grandma wasn't excluding her, she's much older and must live by stiffer rules. give her some examples of things she can do that little brother can't do.
Also talk to your MIL or have your husband do it if you don't want to and tell her that your daughter is feeling left out , suggest she take her out for a girls day out with out the brother.

I've been on the recieving end of the "red headed step child" syndrome I never felt like I was apart of my stepdads family, because I was blatently excluded. For example my cousins would be allowed to make cookies with his mother I was excluded and there " wasn't enough space in the kitchen" When things like that start happening, then start worrying and getting bent out of shape.

I totally agree with what Stacey said.

I think I would approach his mom, actually. Take her out for coffee or something non-confrontational and relaxed. Just talk to her as a mother to another mother. Tell her you worry about your daughter's feelings having to live in a combined family. Give the apple incident as an example of her unease and insecurity.

She may have a good explanation for her behavior that night and would now be better prepared for the future.

Even if her reason was age of the children, remembering to take feelings into account is important (though, more so for our generation than hers) so an "I'm not giving you an apple because you're old enough that I expect you to eat your dinner if you're still hungry" would have been better.

Don't forget that you, as the mother, can absolutely stand up and say, "If one of my children gets an apple, the other one should too." I know that I'm "wayyyyyyyyyy too outspoken" too and that would have come out of my mouth before I'd had a chance to consider whether or not to say it if I'd felt like there was unfairness and a bad call.

I'm not remarried, but I have been with someone for a while and his family has taken my son in like he is blood related. Just last week, my bf's mother asked if she could have a small birthday party for my son at her house. It's those sorts of things that make me so grateful for not only my bf but his family.

My son will never be blood-kin to them, but they accept him because my bf loves both him and me. If I were you, I would have been upset as well. As a child, you don't understand how complex these things can be -- rather, you just see either rejection or acceptance. To blatantly put one child before the other is mindless and unkind.

Talk to your mother-in-law and explain that if the children can't be treated equally -- at least to their faces -- then you need to set parameters about how much contact you ALL have with her. Perhaps you can have mother-daughter days sometimes while your husband takes your son to see his grandmother.

It's important that your daughter feel loved. Hopefully your mother-in-law will realize that and treat her accordingly.

I am so sorry for that. If I were you I would speak up... Next time I would just grab for another, or even yet make both the kids spilt the first one. Those inlaws need input at times even if we aren't nice about it.. I hope Xmas is better if not maybe you should just stay home for Xmas, and if they want to see you, just make them work around your schedule. I know husbands can be big mama boys, but your his wife, you need to straighten this mess before it happens again.

I too had children from a previous marriage & went through the same predicament you are in. I did take control by when my Mother In law gave my son candy after not eating super & she made my other son from previous marriage sit at table until finished. I took the candy right then away from my son & put him back at the table with my other son & in a nice manner said we do not play favorites in our house or in any other house children are a gift from god and need love from all of us equally.from that day on I have not had any problems with my mother in law. The people you love if they love you back will respect your decisions on your household & if you sit down one on one with them & show them that all children have feelings & need love there love in return is priceless.I hope this helps.

B. H

a. No you are not overreacting.
b. Yes, it seems he took her side.

... if it was me, it would have been handled immediately with a "wait, no, if she can't have an apple, neither can he". I am outspoken when it comes to my kids, and will remain that way no matter what anyone says!!! What's fair is fair, I don't care what age! They are your children, she has no right to parent them, I don't care who's home you are in. I guess I am just a Mean Momma bear, but nobody messes with my cubs! Oh, also, I understand it is polite for your son to ask Grandma for food in HER home, but shouldn't all rules be approved through mom and or dad...? Just a thought... Good luck to you!!! Sorry if I sound harsh! I am not meaning it to be that way!

Being a step-family is often a very complicated, confusing, and frustrating experience. But it can also be incredibly rewarding.
The best advice I can give you is to always keep the lines of communication wide open. I know you said that you feel it is your husband's job to deal with "his" family, but think about the precident you are setting with that belief. When the two of you exchanged vows, "his" family became YOUR family too.
As to his reaction about your concern: sometimes guys minimalize the problems they don't know how to fix. Your husband is not an insensitive ogre, he just doesn't see the need to have a family fued over something as silly as an apple. You have to remember that guys don't think the way we do. He's looking at this as a single incident, not a pattern.
There could be any number of reasons that your MIL is giving your daughter the cold shoulder, but you're never going to know until you ask. Try approaching her calmly, maybe over a lunch date, and tell her what your daughter is feeling. Remember that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so don't be hostile or confrontational. Even if you hate her guts, talk to her and treat her with the same respect and consideration you would give your own mother or a dearly loved friend. You could try saying something like, "I know how much you love Sue but she feels this way. Do you have any ideas about what we can do to fix this?"
God only knows how she'll react, but it should give you an idea of where to go from here.