Our daughter has always been very dependent on us. We have always given into her demands because it keeps down her temper, which is out of this world when fired up.
She is getting married in March and moving to Hawaii. This isn't just around the corner, where we can run to her aid at the drop of a hat. Her future husband will be going to Afganistan and will not be there to help her either.
My main question is this...What should we do if she calls with a problem? We can't fix everything. I am happy that she is moving out of the house because it will be a lot more peaceful. But I know she will be calling with situations as they come up wanting us to fix them. Should we just tell her what we think she should do and hang up on her when she starts yelling at us for not fixing it?
I so appreciate all of your advise. I think Peg nailed it on the head. I am co-dependent and I am that way with my husband also. Also, two answer some of the questions that were asked...
She is 20 years old.
She has had jobs since she was 16 years old and sticks to them.
She has her own car payment and pays for her own cell phone, so she knows how to take care of bill and a checkbook.
Yes, her fiance' knows what she is like.
She has moved out and moved back in 2 years ago.
She calls everytime she has a problem and don't want to solve it herself.
She knows about the support groups for Army wives and I hope she will use them.
She has always been a strong willed child from the day she was born and I have always felt that it was my own fault.
I will seriously take some of the advise given here and use it. I am nervous about doing it, so please be praying for me.
Yes. Other than give her a general response like "call a plumber" or "pay the ticket", what are you really going to be able to do from California? If she expects more than that, she's being unreasonable. maybe this will help her discover those things at the far end of her legs!
You might get a positive change in your relationship with your daughter if you work on what appears to be a deeply codependent situation. You can google codependency for lots of information and ideas about dealing with this common problem. Here's on good site: http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency
And here's some information about codependents: "… They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it."
Characteristics from the site's checklist:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others;
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue;
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time;
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves;
Problems with intimacy/boundaries…
Good luck.
Please give her whatever verbal advice you can over the phone but let her fix her own problems!! My sister in law is 43, never married, and has needed her parents or brother (my husband) to bail her out of every thing in her life. Sometimes I swear she can't decide what to have for dinner without consulting 3 people first. The main reason she is like this is because everytime something came up her mom stepped in and fixed it for her. No offensive intended, my MIL is the sweetest woman alive (as I'm sure you are to) and only meant to help her daughter but it has backfired tremendously on her! Whenever we give her our best advice on how she should get herself out of the problem of the day she yells at us and tells us "we don't understand". Mainly because she wants us to fix it for her not just tell her what she needs to do.
I know it will be hard and she probably will say some unpleasant things to you but in the end it will be the best thing you ever did for her!
Good luck,
K.
Enabeling (sp) your children is one of the worst things you can do for a child. Giving into her every whim is definately enabeling. Of course it is easier at times but you have to break the habit.
This is a GREAT time and situation for her to grow up and learn how to take care of herself. You, your husband and her should all sit down and talk about the situtation. Let her know you are there for her and she can call anytime but you won't be fixing anything. Help her to find some support before she goes out there. A church, meetup.com, a special interest group... Make sure she is comfortable with the basics, laundry, bill paying, grocery shopping, budgeting... I would also help her look up some things to do there. Every city has a website, or you could just google things to do in the area she is moving. This is going to be a HUGE change for everyone so make it a positive learning situation.
I think it would also be nice to give her a thoughtful gift before she leaves. Moving to a new place is overwhelming and can be scary. A GPS would be great. That way she is not scared to get out and explore. Being cooped up will drive anyone mad!
Take this opportunity to let her "spread her wings". I'm guessing she will call and demand you help. Just reinsure her everything is fine and give suggestions. Just don't run out and fix it.
Good luck!
By enabling her behavior, you have disabled her.
I think you need to trust yourself that you have given her the tools to manage her life. You can't do it for her.
If she is old enough and mature enough to get married...then she needs to grow up and manage her own issues throwing temper tantrums.
HANG UP after you give her solid advice (only if you want to). She'll more than likely appreciate you and stop having tantrums because that does not work in the public eye, especially with a grown daughter.
Hang in there....Hold your ground.
When I saw the title of your request, I thought you were going to say that you were sad that she was leaving the nest! HA. Just the opposite.
I would sit down with her and have a talk---or if you are afraid she'll yell, write her a letter. Tell her that you want her to be happy and you are excited for her that she is entering this new adventure in life, but you are thinking that she is not really prepared for it in some ways. Give her some OTHER resources to go to besides you---Give her some books about how to do-it-yourself, cook books, etc. Look for a support group for military spouses (the military often provides support, but there should be online groups also). It will be very hard for her when he is gone...
This way, when she calls, you can refer her back to these sources most of the time.
Do NOT let her yell at you. You are not doing her a favor---she needs to learn self help skills. But since you have allowed her to become dependent, cutting her off her "support" system abruptly seems harsh. Try to create a transitional period, so she can gradually start problem solving using other resources.
tell her you're cutting the cord. and you should take it that way. she is an adult, getting married, moving across country. what more does she want? you can always be a phone call away with advice but if she knows you'll drop everything to be at her side whenever she needs you, then that is exactly what she will do.
when she starts yelling, tell her you'll talk to her when she calms down. also warn her that life has its ups and downs and she better brace herself for both.
good luck
She does not sound ready to get married?
Does her husband know how she is?
Has she had counseling for her anger problems?
How old is she?
Once she is married, it would be kind of not appropriate if her parents always still come to her rescue.... what would her husband think?
If she has such anger/temper problems as you describe... it sounds like she needs some kind of counseling or treatment? And she does not know how to help herself?
Ultimately, she and her husband should be addressing their relationship and scenarios and what they will do if she/they needs help.... she will be in another state and probably not have a network of friends or family, to support her when her Husband is deployed. Her Husband... has to think of that too... if he knows how she is.
If she calls you with a problem.. its not like you can just help her, being so far away... and she will have to cope, like an adult. And, if she is creating these problems herself... she must be responsible for that. Sure, there are normal everyday "problems" that we all deal with as part of life.. but if she is making problems of her own because of lack of responsibility or sound judgment... then that is another story.
She sounds, unable to help herself. Does she have friends? Has she ever held a job? Has she proven to be responsible and self-reliant? How does she treat her fiance? How does he respond to her and her problems? Does he even know how she is? Or is she different with him? Is he able to handle her and her problems and be responsible as a Husband?
So many unanswered questions...
But realistically, you cannot "fix" her problems or her life. If she is an adult, and getting married, then you need to prioritize without interfering in her marriage... or her husband's role, too.
I imagine, if you tell her your concerns and how you feel, she will get angry. She has not learned, that SHE IS responsible for her life... and responsible for fixing it. She is not a child, anymore, and if getting married.
All the best,
Susan
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Well, this will be a great learning experience for her. She will have no choice but to solve her own problems because you are not there to do it for her plus she should learn to do it for herself.
Maybe you can ask her open questions when she calls for example "what do you think you should do?" " What do you feel is the best way to handle this problem." At least attempt to make her at come up with her own solutions.
If she is not able to fix her own problems you might find her back on your doorstep and living with you until her husband comes back.
ALWAYS:
Dependent on us
Given into her demands
TEMPER:
Out of this world when fired up
GETTING MARRIED:
In March and moving to Hawaii
Husband going to war
MOM AND DAD HAPPY:
She is moving out of family home—more peace
Your daughter sounds very immature, so I’m guessing she is still a teenager or in the early 20’s. She also sounds like a self-centered, spoiled brat. You and/or dad have contributed greatly to her behavior and ability to stay in control by making everyone around miserable until she gets her way.
She should probably NOT be moving far from home with new husband deploying to war shortly. However, she SHOULD definitely be moving out of the house with the clear understanding that someone who feels mature enough to get married needs to understand that there will be NO welcome mat back home at the first sign of trouble. (Unless, God forbid, that her husband is killed or wounded--then she will need all the support she can get).
I’m curious to know if the husband-to-be is aware of what he is in for?
Has both families sat down with the young couple and had a very frank and honest discussion?
Blessings……
She needs to grow up and fast if she is going to be a military wife. Hopefully her soon to be husband has some clue what he is getting into. If they are living on base or near the base she will have access to loads of things that will help her adjust to life as an military wife. There are wife support groups,family advocacy is a great support source and there are others that once they are married she will have access to.
I agree with the others that she needs to know the basics of laundry,dishes,bill paying and so on.
As for when she calls with a problem. Best thing is like it has been suggested steer her toward her figuring it out and leave it at that. If she gets mad tell her she needs to calm down and call you back when she wants to act like an adult.
It might not have helped to have "always given in to her demands" but maybe this will be just the opportunity for her to learn to be independent, and for you to learn to be strong. (Assuming the marriage itself is a good idea.) I think the key thing for you will be to stay calm and matter-of-fact when she is yelling. And be positive with what you say to her, things like being "confident" in her ability to pick up the phone and call the landlord with a plumbing problem. She's not brainless, right? She just will need some guidance in how to live on her own. Don't go flying off to Hawaii for every little problem, but do give her advice and direction (if she really doesn't know how to figure out what to do), and keep telling her how confident you are that she can do it. Hopefully the confidence ought to rub off onto her eventually.
