Marriage After Divorce

B.,

I was in your same situation. I had 3 children during my divorce and at the time they were 5, 3, and 4 months old.
About 4 months after my divorce I was calling around to get parts for my car and started dealing with a man whom I am now married to. He had never been married and has never had children. He loves my children as his own and we are starting adoption process soon for the kids to carry his name!

It does happen. Maybe not right away, but the right man will accept you for who you are all everything that comes with you.

Hi B.,

I have never been married or divorced, but I have been the child going through that. I would like to give you some advice from that perspective. Once your divorce is final...try not to jump right into anything, take your time. My mother could not stand to be alone and felt she needed that tender touch, never the less, rebounds became frequent the first year. Don't get me wrong, she didn't flaunt it in front of me but I was old enough to know what was going on. I don't think my mother really ever healed from it all. As far as the kids meeting him...when you feel completely comfortable with him...ease into them meeting him but in public, social settings. For example, the two of you can take the kids to the park or out for pizza. I met my step-father for the first time after he amd my mom were dating right in my living room and he might as well have been an alien invader. If your kids are real close with their father like I was, chances are they will have to warm up to the fellow anyway. They will hate on him for a while but eventually they will see he may not be so bad. I was that way. As far as where to look for this guy, honey, you don't want one thats perched on a pool stick in a bar. I am a young buck, only 25, but I have spent many weekend nights in the clubs and have never found a guy worth taking home to meet the family. If you would like to go out for a night and have fun or release some pressure, thats fine. Take a girl friend. Go with her, leave with her. My mom and stepdad met at the bar of a huddle house, crazy as it may seem. All I'm saying is, you don't have to go looking for the right guy because fate will bring you together. Anyway, I am going to stop gabbing at you, but best of luck to you and I hope I've helped. Remember, you've only just hit your prime, your life has just begun!!

Hi, B., I am 41 also. divorced, I have 4 sons and 2 nieces living with me. I have dated, I have asked for advice here also. the best advice I have recieved is To Pray for God to meet our needs as a woman and a mother. Love yourself, be good to yourself, and men will see the love in your spirit shine through. Don't put yourself down, I did, don't worry about past mistakes think positive and positive results will come to your life. If you can read Oprahs mag. Feb. issue it deals with this subject. God Bless. M. E.

Marriage worked out much better for me the second time around. I married my first husband when I was 22 and in my last year of college. I was young and wasn't sure of who I was, much less, who I needed in a husband.
I met my current husband when I wasn't looking at all. My twins and I were getting funny photos made in one of those photo booths at the mall....the pictures got stuck in the machine. A couple of days later I got a call from the general manager at the mall saying he had my photos. (Someone that worked in the mall office knew who I was when she saw my picture.) Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to come by and pick them up at the mall office. I did and the rest is history. I won't say it was love at first sight, but as he got to know my daughters and bonded with them, I knew he was the one for me.
Sit down and make yourself a list of qualities you want out of a man. Even get as specific as what he would look like. Put the list away when your done. This will help you keep in mind exactly what your looking for.
Good luck!
J.

Don't get into any exclusive relationship for at least a year after the divorce. You need time to heal, and to figure out what you want. It's too easy to get caught in a rebound relationship that is no better than what you just left.

Don't approach it as looking for a man. Don't approach it as looking even for a date. I wouldn't go looking for companionship in bars - you're mostly just going to find guys looking to get laid there. If you like to dance, by all means go to a bar if a band you like is playig, and dance with every guy wh asks; just don't mistake it for anything else, and never trust what anyone says when alcohol is involved.
Just go do things you like to do, and you will meet people who have the same interests.

I met the lovely man to whom I am now married at a community theater audition. I was not looking to find a mate. In fact, I was dating someone and trying to think of a way to end it with him gently.
I just wanted to be in this particular play. It was the first time I had ever auditioned for anything in my life, and I was very nervous. When the director and the stage manager went outside to discuss who they were going to release and who they wanted to stay, the guy who had been sitting behind me came up to me and complimented my jewelry. I was so focused on whether I was going to be released or asked to stay, that I gave him a rather brusque "Thanks" and continued to stare at the door. As it turned out, I was released and he was asked to stay. As I was picking up my coat and bag to leave, he handed me his card. It wasn't until I got to my vehicle that it dawned on me that he had been flirting with me. His email address was on the card, and the next day I emailed him to apologize for having been rude, and to ask if he had been cast. He had indeed been cast, and I offered to buy him a cup of coffee to celebrate.
When we met for coffee, I made it clear that I was seeing someone, and that I was interested in a friendship, not a love affair. We sat at Starbucks and talked for a couple of hours, and when we got up to leave, he said, "Don't let me kiss you." He walked me to my van, and I hugged him. He said, "I'm wanting to do something neither of us wants me to do." And then I kissed him. The next day, he sent me an e-card that said, "I lied. I didn't not want to kiss you." We've been together ever since.

My daughter was already a teen when all this took place, so it wasn't such a big deal for her. One of the issues my ex and I had had was concerning authority where she was concerned, and so when we moved in together, I made it clear that he was not her parent, and that ALL parenting decisions were mine and mine alone. He was free to tell me what he thought - IN PRIVATE - but he was not to interfere in my parenting of my child. He was also under no obligation to provide for my child - that was my responsibility, not his. AS it turned out, they like each other most of the time, and he does buy things that she needs and even loaned her money to pay a traffic ticket.

When we got married, I was having difficulty choosing a dress, and my daughter went into her closet, pulled out a long white Reanaissance-style dress that she had bought for some friends' hand-fasting several years ago, and said, "You need to wear this." I wore her dress, and he wore black pants and a white poet shirt. I trimmed his shirt and my dress with matching ribbons and had the same ribbons in my hair. We were both barefoot.

It's been bumpy at times - sometimes he says things about some of her behaviors/habits that annoy him (he's very neat, she's very messy and disorganized, for example), and when he does, she comes right back at him. Basically, she and he are room-mates, and sometimes room-mates get on each other's nerves. If it gets too heated, she goes to her room, closes the door, and plays video games, he goes to our room, closes the door, puts on his headphones and listens to music, and they ignore each other until their tempers cool.

Once your divorce is final. This is your time to focus on you and your children. Do things that you enjoy. Don't be in such a hurry to find "Mr. Him". He will come when you least expect him to. I'm an older mom as well, with older children. It was 4 years after my divorce and I met My now loving husband.. at a car wash...lol.(totally unexpected). We dated for 6 months and we married..We both had been through a divorce and we both knew what we wanted..It's been almost a year now and I love him more each day. So enjoy the little ones and enjoy YOU! and you will be ready for Mr.Him whenever he comes along.

A Little about me:
39 -married-going through Empty nest syndrome, My children are 22, 19, and 17..

I was married for 5 years and it was bad. the only good thing i got out of it was my 2 kids(I also have 1 from a previous relationship). my husband told me over and over that nobody would want to be daddy for 3 young children that weren't theirs and I believed him. But it got to the point where I just decided to live the rest of my life loveless than stay in that relationship. I tried the bar scene and found only men who wanted "no strings" so about a year after I separated,and I had many disappointing times with men proving my ex husband to be right, my friend signed me up on an internet dating site and guess what? I actually found exactly what i was looking for! My children were 18 mos, 3 yrs and 8 when I met him. I introduced him to my children sloooowly! I was not about to let them get tangled up in something that was not going to last! But it ended up that my (now)fiancee didn't have kids and did not care if we had any more and is content to be dad for mine. They have no contact with their natural father (my ex husbands choice) and they call my fiancee dad. They actually remember very little of their natural father. my fiancee takes them fishing and calls my daughter his little princess! He also doesn't think I should have to work if I don't want to and I get to stay home with them which is something I never got to do with my husband that wouldn't work. It has worked out very well and we're planning for a sept wedding, of course involving our kids! So keep your hopes up. It might take awhile but you'll find someone when you're least expecting it and in the strangest places.

I was about your age with two grown children and grand kids and as you i did not want to even think about dateing. We met at the local bowling center, where all of my friends knew that he had been admiring me from a far. Through friendly gatherings we became best friends and found out that we had alot in common. After about a year of dating I introduced him to my children/grands and family over dinner. All went well. They were happy that I was happy with my choice. He fit right in. They have a better relationship with him than with their father.

Take the time to write a list of all the qualities you are looking for in the man you wish to spend the rest of your life with. Even down to the color of his eyes.

Once you have written the list put it in an envelope seal it and put it in a safe place. Don't go out looking for him. Let him come to you, and he will.

In 20 years when you pull out that list you will be suprised to find he was given to you just as you asked.

When I met the man of my dreams, my children were only a year and a half, so introducing them to him was no problem. It also didn't hurt that he brought them a present one of the first times they were all together. I was living in an apartment and of course there was no yard to play in, and taking twins to a park was difficult for me. One day my husband to be showed up at the apartment with a Little Tikes Slide and Swing combo and put it together in the apartment for the kids. I was already in love with him at that point, but that act sent me over the edge! He LOVES kids and had no problem taking on my family of 3.

We met at work at a time that I had sworn off men and was NEVER getting married again. It took me completely by surprise that I was falling for him. We talked all night the day we met and spent every free minute we could with each other after that. He has a daughter from his previous marriage and she was 7 at the time. I was really nervous to meet her, but she is like her father and has never met a stranger and makes friends in every situation, so we got along right away. When we got all of the children together, they loved each other right away, just like it was meant to be.

We have only been married 3 years but the whole blended family thing has worked for us, even with the children's other parents. I would have to say I am EXTREMELY lucky because things are so great with all of the parties involved. It takes lots of patience and maturity, and the golden rule is to realize what is best for the kids, not the parents.

There are men out there that love children that may not be able to have children of their own. Just be patient and pray about it, and it will happen when you least expect it.

Hey, B.! My current husband and I met at school. I was going to school so that I could get a job to pay for my divorce from my first husband. It was a 7 month program and they would help me find a job afterwards. He started going there a couple of months after I did. He was in the Air Force and was planning to get out and get a different job. We became friends and he wasn't interested in a relationship, either, because he had just recently been hurt as well. He met my son while we were still in "just friends" mode. I went to the day care to pick up my son and had some car trouble and he came to help out. My son got along with him fine as long as we were just friends, but when we got married it was a different story. He doesn't like his step-mother either, though. We've been happily married for 7 years now and I can't wait to see what he's done for my Valentine!

One thing I have to say, PLEASE give your self time before you start dating again. I did this, and it was the greatest thing I've done for myself. I learned who I was, and was comfortable in my own skin, if you know what I mean. It also gives you time to "put away" some of your baggage from your marriage and when you get into another relationship, it will be the "new" you. As for the kids, girl don't worry about it! There are men out there that will date a mom with kids. Remember the saying, "If I knew then what I know now"...well we are older now and we do know and are in a position to go and be free but be alot wiser about it. I'm glad my marriage is now over, looking back, it would have gotten so much worse, and my soul would have been dead. We are in our forties and FABULOUS! It will get so much better, wait and see!

How/where did you meet this guy? after attending a church retreat weekend that his parents staffed, his father introduced us
How and when did you introduce him to your children? immediately;i felt very strongly about not going out and leaving my 2 year son
How did your kids accept him? at 2 my son loved him; while we dated my son liked him; after we were married my son (then 5) started testing the boundaries with both of us;three years later we are a "normal" family...and we cant remember a time without him
hope this helps and does give you hope....
good luck to you and your little ones
M.

Right after my divorce I went through the "What am I going to do now?!"phase. I was 40 years old and had been married 15 yrs when my ex left and had a 8 yr old son. At first it was weird living alone but after a while (a few months) I realized it wasn't so bad... then I realized I liked it! Shortly after my my ex left a man who we had both known socially for a few years helped me out with house repairs and some gardening. He was divorced with grown children. Eventually, about a year later, we started dating and we have been together ever since (4 years). He's wonderful man and I love him dearly. There are times I don't know what I would have done without him. But - get married? He's asked, twice. And the answer was no. I enjoy living alone. I like taking care of myself. And he understands that. We tease each other about growing old together in seperate houses! I'm not saying that sometime down the road I might change my mind, but I know that now it's my choice.

I met me second husband from a yahoo personal ad. We exchanged emails a while and then met for coffee at Barnes and Nobel. After we had dated a whiel and decided it was going to be serious, he came to our church one Sunday and brought his daughter. Then we went to lunch afterwards.
My daughter was only 3 at the time so she just accepted him right off the bat. My step daughter on the other hand was 8 and she and I still aren't very close. She was used to having him all to herself teh weekends she was with him, from teh time she was very small....so she still sees the rest of us as intruders sometimes. It helped when we bought our house together so everyone was on unfamiliar territory. We do a lot to promote teh family unit. We are taking a big family vacation this summer. We also had a baby last summer and he was a big unifier. Now it's not my dad and your mom...it's our brother.

I am in the same boat, 33 mother of two, full time carreer and full time mom...Not a lot of extra time...I have been divorced for over 5 years...time flys when your having fun...I wish I had some awesome advice, where to go, what to do...Better to go have some girl time with friends that are also single...

T.

both my husband and I had a young child when we started to date each other. One thing for sure that we did right was gradually introduce the children to eachother. We didn't let the children spend a lot of time with us at the beginning... most of our getting to know each other was over the phone late at night... we didn't want our children to get attached to a person before we knoew it was going to be something serious. So that is my advice with your children. Don't bring a bunch of strange men to meet them. I'm sure you already know that. Secondly I think that going out and just dating different people is a good idea. I t will help you heal and get to know a number of people and so you decide who is right for you and your family. Getting into a serious relationship right away will become overwhelming. I also recommend finding a person to become serious with someone other then a bar. Not that there are not great men at the bar, but they usually are looking to have a good time and not out there to actually meet and know a person. Well good luck , take care of your children and God bless ciao

I'm not sure if I saw your other post, but I can defiantly relate to this one. I am divorced with a 9, 6 and 4 year old. I have been divorced for 2 years. One thing that helps me out is my and ex and myself are still pretty good friends, he gets the kids a couple of times a week and his parents are very involved with the school my older kids go to. So it was either get along or move..lol. But anyways, about dating. I am 26 so I did go out with my girl friends on the weekends to bars and dance clubs. I actually met alot of great friends. It was fun just to be social again. But as far as dating, I put a profile on Eharmony...I was very skepitcal. But on one of my first set of matches I found the one. We are actaully expecting #4 in about 8 weeks! He did not have kids,but with eharmony he knew I did. The compatibility test takes for ever and are very detailed. You get to be as honest and picky as you want! I think it's a great way...in fact I have 2 other friends that have met their husbands online. After the inital date, we pretty much have been in separable. He met my kids very early in the relationship, that was a scary move for me, but it worked out. Our divorces were final on the same day, so as far as being on the same page as moving too fast or whatever it may have been we were pretty much always together on that. Good Luck!

ps- sorry this is so long, I dont get to share that story very often..lol.

I met and married my second husband after being a single parent for 13 years. I met him at my daughter's school, when I was 41. He was 49. I never returned to the bar scene either. I met a wonderful man I dated at church also, some, however he died of a heart condition before we married. There is life after divorce, but take your time and be careful. I had 2 children when we divorced ages 1 and 3. By the time I married again, the children were teenagers.

Hi, my name is Sonja. I am 42 yrs old, and into the 7th year of my second marriage. I met my husband via the internet. I was doing a survey for an oil company, and met him via his brother-in-law. At that time I was not actually looking, however he kept me in mind after my divorce, and after a patient 3 years, we finally met face to face and married the following winter. Long before we met, I introduced him to my daughter via the computer/phone. They talked many times, and I didn't make the choice to marry without imput from her. (she was 10 at the time) My advice, is DO NOT become involved with any man who has a problem with your kids, or trys to force you to make a choice between them or him. It may take time, but there are men out there who love you and your kids no matter what. My husband and I joke that they got the idea of E-harmony from our relationship.... our relationship is based on some of the same things they advertize and we met long before they got started!!! Good Luck, and God Bless

Sonja

So much I could tell you on this issue...but to keep things simple.

Trust and have Faith
When one door closes, one door opens, you have to just walk through it.

I am a testament to your situation. I was divorced from my high school sweetheart, then left a 15 year abusive relationship. My biggest fear was being alone. I have an 18 year old son.

I was introduced to my husband and soulmate by a mutual friend (In a Bar)Everyone said it would never work because we are from 2 differnt worlds. I am a country girl and my husband is known worldwide. I am from the deep south(mud riding and jeans) and he is from the West coast(glitz and glamor)very high profile. My husband proposed to me after 2 weeks of dating. We have been married for 2 years now. But I have to tell you he says he got mud on his boots and will never leave. We are so in tune with each other its scary. We think the same things at the same time. We never argue and rarely disagree. But respect each others different opinions.

People said two artists in one house...IT WILL NEVER WORK..We have proved them wrong. Our talents are very different, we see things differently sometimes but it works to our advantage..it adds diversity to each of our creations.

Introductions can be hard at times but you will know when the time is right. With your children being so young it will be easier.

Don't wait to divorce for the kids to be older. Trust me it is better to end a bad relationship when they are young. Children are amazing little creatures. They can heal a lot faster than we can as adults.

Trust and all will be well

Well I found my "Mr Wonderful" online at match.com after my divorce and I had a 7 month old. It was great to know each others "resume" before contacting each other and then dating. We went on a few dates before I met his 6 year old son, whom he had full custody of, and he met my son a week later. I was lucky to not have an ex-wife to deal with. But before I met him I also dated men without kids and they were wonderful too. My best friend met her mr wonderful at church, and I had another friend who met her mr wonderful at a single parents group. Have fun dating! But try to stay single as long as possible so that you can become the woman and mom you may have been stiffled from being in your marriage. We all know that sometimes a man is just more work, more sacrifice, and more time from ourselves, give yourself time to heal and reinvent before starting a new relationship.... okay again have fun dating!

I was a second time divorced mom but my son was in college & daughter a senior in high school then married. I talked to both of them before & left and they knew more than I thought they did and supported me whole heartedly! It was a 24 yr. marriage. I returned to my home town & stayed w/my mom a yr. before getting my own place. I was totally happy w/my decision to divorce. I did get counseling as I recommed everyone do as there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with & time to heal. The last thing you need is to "go looking" for another man...called "rebound" & only ends in disaster! Stay single & enjoy your childern..be secure within yourself before you start dating again so you won't compramise what you "want" in a mate...sometimes we move so quickly we settle for less...not a good idea! I was single five yrs. before I even considerated dating & really wasn't looking for a mate when I got a call from an online singles group...a yr. later I'd talked to one man more than others & we continued to talk about a yr. before we ever met...lived in different towns. When we did meet it was like we'd known each other forever...dated about six months & married...It's been seven yrs. & we're raising his two granddaughters...so retirement is not possible...lots of legal issues...different dads, etc. So many issues sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed single....I love the girls but sometimes feel cheated as raising another family...from babies isn't as easy as it was when I was younger...we're so strapped financially due to leagal issues & the cost of kids nowdays...I've worked hard all my life & was looking forward to some "down time"...! You marry for different reasons at different times in your life....companionship is good but I've found even in older men they aren't always truthful...looking for someone to take care of them...be careful & don't rush into anything....!!!!!

My advise would be to seek God for your man and you can't go wrong! This is much better than match.com, bars, etc! I know this may seem like such a "super christian freak" thing to say, however please know I am only saying this because I have personally experienced the hand of god in my life in SO many different ways that honestly I trust him more than I trust my own judgement because he is always right! I am really sorry abour the divorce you are going through.