Manipulative and Rude 5 Year Old or Normal?

While it's not nice, it IS pretty typical. Mine is 9 now, but boy when she was 6, she was so rude all the time to younger ones who "copied" her. Some kids are just naturally bossy. I was, my daughter is, but my younger daughter isn't (so far. she's only 2 1/2). I always told her that they were "copying" because they thought she was cool and wanted to be like her and that she needed to be kind to her friends.

complicated........but we all have different personalities. In one way it is good for your daughter to learn how to speak up for herself, but too much time with this girl could crush your daughter. I would allow occasional play dates but try to find other kids to play with. It's okay to be too busy to play or have other plans to pull away a bit.

limit play time for sure. if u dont want your daughter to act like that.

I would STOP all play dates with this particular child for awhile. If your daughter is exposed to this she may start acting like it too! It is not ACCEPTABLE behavior by our standards at all. (May be normal for some families but it is a matter of opinion on what you expect.......)

Set up some play dates with different children. Or take her to the local library! Our daughter (who just turned 5) meets kids there all the time! They just start talking and playing together and she has a great time.

Whenever we come across behaviors we don't want our kids to pick up we just pack up and leave........ It just happened at the park this weekend as a matter of fact! But the kids didn't mind leaving. We just went to Grandpa and Grandma's house to play in their yard for awhile instead.

I understand many things happen on playgrounds and in social situations with children. The thing to remember is every child is learning how to intereact socially and learning both good and bad consequences to these actions.
Right now my daughter has a friend who is somewhat like the 5 year old you describe and my reaction is to talk to my daughter and tell her how I would act in the situation. I say: "when people treat me like that I don't want to be around them so I either find someone else to play with or I have fun playing alone". Perhaps you could let your daughter know that when her friend acts this way, then it is ok to say she wants to go home.
I am glad to advise my child, but in the end I realize it will ultimately be her decision in this case and in many others.

It may be typical, but by letting it go, you are saying that it's okay to treat people this way.
I think you might need to limit the playtime with this little girl.
If it happens at your house, you can stop the behavior yourself by telling her that we don't treat people this way. You can give her a choice - she can play nicely or she can go home.
YMMV
LBC

I would not let my daughter play with that child. No it is not normal on no level. Tell that little girl that she has to find someone else to boss around and being rude to. Tell your daughter that she deserves a better playmate than that. If you can't bring yourself to take your child out of that situation then you need to step in and step in hard and correct this bossy little girl on her behaviour. Good luck.

Kids don't really know what rude is until they have the behavior labeled for them.

I think the best thing you can do is model polite behavior and redirect the 5 year old- show her the right way. It is ok for her to feel like she needs a little space, especially if she's on her own turf. Kids that age often have a hard time sharing their toys or their room with someone else.

And all kids have strong feelings and need to learn how and when to express them. Give this girl the right words to use: "Hey, can we play something else for a while?" or "I need a few minutes of alone time and then I'll be back."

As to what to tell your daughter, she can say, "It hurts my feelings when you say that," or "I like playing with you. What else can we do?"

I also agree with the posters who have suggested she's just behaving the way she thinks the older child in a group should behave - this is her stab at leadership and it's also maybe her only chance to be in charge and make the decisions.

My son adores playing with the year-older girl next door, and we've had not exactly that, but something similar. Bottom line: she has learned, through school, that she is older and therefore is higher up on the playground hierarchy. If the girl next door is in school or goes to daycare, perhaps she has been "put in her place" in those places, and is simply doing the same to your daughter. That said, it still isn't nice behavior, and your daughter should be empowered to speak her piece, as well. I'm working on teaching my son to tell the neighbor that he doesn't like her behavior (and he's no angel to her, either, but in different ways, so it's fairly "even" between them) and that "I feel...when you do this..." kind of words. I also think it's 100% ok to say "this is not good behavior, and we don't do this. It's not nice" while also teaching your child to be forgiving of others' bad behavior--because, of course, I'm guessing your daughter has also misbehaved once? :) That worked well for us with a really naughty neighbor...and it's allowed my son to see clearly that T's behavior is NOT acceptable and he does NOT have to stand for it, while also not condemning him as a bad person forever. I don't think it's inappropriate for you to step in and point out to the girl that, just minutes ago, she WANTED your daughter to follow her and copy her, and that by doing a complete 180, she's not being a good friend...but if mom's there, condoning her behavior, that's hard. Depending on your relationship, you could still step in...it probably depends a lot on how much it matters to you. I would use your daughter's feelings on it to gauge how much it matters to you; kids are much better at glossing over things and not letting them matter than we think they are. It was hard for me to watch my sweet kindergartner "learn" that he was at the bottom of the playground hierarchy, but we also used that to teach him to be NICE to the kids coming up next year. Hopefully it works!

Ask your daughter about how this type of behavior makes her feel. Start to help her think through her relationships and help her to see alternative ways to interact in these situations. We have some neighbors that are rude and manipulative in different ways and we have had to really be careful to not say anything about them or to pull our kids out of the situation. By guiding our kids to think- they have actually pulled themselves away from these kids.

It's normal, because all kids have different personalities.

It is ok for you to parent the 5-year-old. Kids need to know that all grown-ups are watching and can and will step in if they misbehave.

If the tables were turned, wouldn't you want another mom to catch your daughter doing something naughty and take care of it right away?

I have the exact same situation, only with boys. I simply tell the 5-year-old, "When you tell Mike, 'I don't like you,' that's rude and mean. Take a time out." And then I put him in a time-out. Immediately. Simple.

This works best if you remember to praise children (yours and other peoples' kids) whenever you catch them being good! Doesn't have to be over the top. At ages 4 and 5, kids want grown-ups to notice them, and will want to copy each other's GOOD behavior, if it is getting attention from a grown-up.

What does this girl's mom say when she starts being rude? If she is there and ignores or minimizes it, I would make your excuses, and end the playtime. If you are the only parent present, I would step right in and tell the friend she isn't being kind. Once she knows you're paying attention, that may be all it takes for her to turn it around. If after you've spoken to her once and it continues, end the playtime, send her home. BTW, I think it is totally normal for some kids. I wouldn't totally burn bridges, because she will very likely grow out of it. Also, I agree that it is time to expose your daughter to more playdate friends.

It's normal for that little girl. Doesn't mean your daughter has to put up with it. I had a "friend" like that at that age and she turned into a a "normal" manipulative, controlling teenager. I stopped being her friend at about 15 years old. Couldn't take it anymore, and I wish I had left her alone sooner. Not everyone is meant to be friends. Take this time to teach your daughter that she doesn't have to deal with people that make her feel bad. My daughter is 5 and I monitor closely they types of personalities she interacts with. At this age, you have say - so do what you can to protect her. Sure she and her friends have the normal squabbles, but you have to know what's ok and what's not ok. How that little girl treats your daughter is very manipulative and not acceptable in my book.

Let us know how it goes.

I almost could have written this myself except the little 5 year old next door to us tells my daughter if she doesnt play what she wants she is going home (which she learned from her older sister). I heard her say it once and said ok, your going home and sent her on her way. My daughter is mad at me though because I sent her friend home and she just wants to play. I want her to learn how it feels to be treated right and wrong. I have kind of backed off and just listened in on their conversations. If I hear the little girl say that now I will go in and kind of coddle my daughter (and almost ignore the other girl) and say things like "I know that would really hurt my feelings if my friend only wanted to play what she wanted. I know you both have great ideas of what to play" and how great it is to take turns. Sometimes the girl gets it, sometimes she doesnt. I have asked the mom what she wants me to do and she said just send her home. I dont think she is getting it though and it just makes her hates coming over here because we just keep sending her home.
I have noticed my daughter picking up on her behavior too. I have tried to nip that in the bud by saying - remember how it makes you feel when somebody does that to you. I am hoping they eventually grow out of it.

My daughter 4 soon to be 5 is just like your daughter. Loves to play with everyone, include everyone and just likes to have fun. We had gone to the park recently where 2 other girls were playing. Sisters, the eldest said bluntly to my daughter, not much older than mine- "We want to play by ourselves, stay away." It was the sadest thing I'd have ever heard and the look on my daughters face almost put me in tears. Thank Gawd the mother over heard her say this to mine and immediatly pulled her to the side. Sad to say, this is just the start to what our children will be put through the rest of their lives: Jr high, high school..... To be honest, I would avoid contact with this little girl for awhile. As other moms have mentioned-you would not want your child carrying on the attitude the other girl has. As with my child, if she does sass, I talk to her instintly about the situation and the reason why her behavior is unacceptable. I would also say something to the little girl if she does say something to your child. Such as "we don't talk that way in our household". Good Luck

The neighbor could be behaving "normally" according to messages and modeling she hears from her parents. That doesn't make the behavior easy to take.

Check out the book Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. Your daughter may come up with a perfectly appropriate way to deal with the friend's quirky moods, and she'll feel more empowered to realize this wisdom is already inside of her.