Mad Wife!!!

My husband was spendy even though he didn't make diddly poo. Drove me crazy. What I did was compliment and sucker punch. "That's a super cool shirt.....did you forget little johnny needs shoes? and a haircut? and the water bill is due? You can take care of all that tomorrow, right?" He finally got to where he wouldn't buy himself something (most of the time) unless he knew his bills were covered and he bought something for the kids too.

Ask him to start SELLING stuff on ebay instead of BUYING stuff. Good luck. That situation would drive me crazy!

I would say "I didn't realize you were going to buy your own birthday present this year. That does take some stress off me, thanks! Let me see your new birthday boots". If he says that wasn't his birthday present, I would say "It is now". If this isn't the first time and you have discussed this with him, perhaps it is time to get separate checking accounts.

However, it doesn't matter who makes the most money. Maybe he is stressed with two babies in a couple of years and he is freaking out. Regardless, he is not being responsibile. You need to have a frank conversation with him.

You were complaining about your husband for an entirely different reason July 23rd. Things don't sound great on the home front. Your living with a selfish person. No way in hell he gets that gun, if you buy it for him... y'all deserve each other.
Budget in some birth control... just saying.

There's nothing wrong with getting separate bank accounts. Relationships have enough problems without money problems. Let him spend his money however he chooses, and you take care of what you need to take care of with your money. Two is better than one, and if you end up leaving him because you're always fighting over money... then you will only have your income anyway. Trust me, coming from a single mom, it would be really helpful to have someone to just take the trash out every so often. It would be nice to have help getting the children in and out of the car, help grocery shopping and unloading-- including screaming children, etc.

Okay, I had a TERRIBLE marriage, but one thing we got right was money. Eventually.

ALL money was joint money. (hear me out)
We had several linked bank accounts

1 acct was 'money in' (period. All incoming money went into that acct. it was never spent out of. Also helped protect us from fraud, as a side benefit)

1 acct was bills (mortgage, utilities, etc. NO 'personal' bills, like subscriptions and memberships)

1 acct was 'his'

1 acct was 'mine'

1 acct was kiddo's (ALL child related expenses; clothes, tuition, camps, daycare, medical... EVERYTHING.)

Then we also had 4 savings accounts. 2 personal. 1 joint (for vacations, dates, etc.), one for "OSF" (oh shoot! Fund... To cover the stuff that came up every durn month: car repairs, broken this, emergency that).

How 'it' worked was like this:

All money came into the joint account. Out of that we 'paid ourselves'... A SET amount, and completely equal. For us it was 100 every paycheck. For others they'll do 50-5000. Don't matter the total AS LONG AS ITS EQUAL. That goes into our personal accounts. No questions asked. Save, spend, whatever. Manage how you please. Buy whatever. ALL personal expenses (hair, clothing, work lunches, hobbies, magazines, memberships came out of our PERSONAL accounts).

Our bill money went into the bill account. A set amount went into our son's account.

Didn't leave a lot left over, and what was ALL went into OSF savings. (At the end of the month, OSF savings then went into joint savings, with a set amount left in.

------

This took us a few years (of my husband spending THOUSANDS and running us into the ground, and me not ever having $20) to work this system out. He had a HARD time adjusting. He blew all of his money the first week in lunches.

But he adjusted. And it made everything fair. Joint expenses jointly. Personal expenses out of an 'even' fund... With no strings attached.

No credit cards.

No gun. That is a want... not a need. He got his birthday present, clothes. If he wants that gun, he can get a second job. Put your foot down and make a budget. Baby comes first.... you still have medical bills to pay for that haven't even arrived yet.

In my house, I control the spending... I give my husband an allowance. I get the bills paid, the shopping done...

Since he has an online buying habit, than take away his cards and make sure he doesn't have them saved on his account. Change his paypal password for the time being. Let him know he doesn't get his spending privileges back until the needs are taken care of.

Serious question, is he ADHD? Just cause when we are stressed we spend money and don't really work out the fact we can't afford it. Then when we are jumped on we guilt spend.

Anyway if that is the case just ask him what he needs from you do get this straight. Also if this is the case then he isn't being selfish and god that insult hurts.

Oh and if it isn't obvious, don't hit him with the shovel.

I second the budget allowance idea. If you don't have a written budget already, I highly recommend doing that, too. Else how will you know how much you can afford for the allowance?

And, have you considered that he really hasn't quite adjusted to the mental aspects of fatherhood? The responsibility of it all? What he is doing (and the whole idea of such expensive "toys" for a 30 year old with 2 babies) sounds very immature. If you can easily afford it and you both make fabulous money, then great. But it doesn't sound like that is the case, and for any of the rest of us who actually live on a budget, it is immature. That is how single, childless people spend their money.

I know this is frustrating, and I'm sorry. But, seriously... re-read what you wrote. You sound like you're talking about your child, and not your spouse. You don't get to change your spouse's passwords, or "punish" your husband. That's so silly. No matter how frustrating he is, he is a grown man who can and should make his own decisions. Further, income doesn't even factor into this, I hope you don't throw that into his face. Few things are more insulting to a man's ego.

If it were MY marriage, I would agree that this is a problem. But maybe your husband doesn't. Maybe he doesn't see the problem in spending a bit of money. I have no idea how much you two make. The point is, you're not his mother. You don't get to "allow" him to do anything. You two should decide, together, how much per month you agree to spend every month on shopping and that sort of thing, he gets his share, and you get yours, and stick to it. Then, if he doesn't, you've got a real complaint. But you don't get to make declarations and then force him to stick to it. It's his money also.

Going to change his passwords a SECOND time???

Isn't that doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result?

I recommend marriage counseling - you can get this all off your chest in a safe environment and get a plan to stick to to heal your marriage.

That just sounds disrespectful, *especially* because you've already expressed your concerns. I would approach him again, calmly, and tell him how stressed out you are getting about money. Don't make it about HIM spending YOUR money, but about the BOTH of you taking care of your home and children FIRST.

Maybe assign yourselves an allowance to spend however you choose. If you can affort $100 per month (or whatever ammount you decide on) then just count that money as gone and he can do whatever he wants with it.

If he STILL cannot control his spending, then you may have to look into separate accounts. Though I think all that will do is cause more problems than it would solve.

Start selling things on e-Bay. ]:-)

I'm sorry you are going through this while being pregnant. However....this is who he is. You changed his passwords last year, not his behavior, and yet you made another baby with him. This is who he is. I'm betting he was like this when you were dating and before you had kids and you assumed he would change when you needed him to.

And I'm sorry but no matter who makes what for income, the bigger bread winner doesn't get to dictate to the other how much can be spent. That's a joint decision.

I didn't read the responses so this might have already been said, but....

you don't have a money problem, you have a MATURITY problem!! Sounds like your husband really needs to grow up and realize his priorities are out of whack!!! Big time!!!

It sounds like you both have issues to work on - you mention giving him an "allowance" - seriously? That just rubs me the wrong way - I don't care who makes more money!!!

My husband has always made more than me and we've always had joint accounts with no problems because we knew what our goals and priorities were. But then, I'm very tight with money, he's a little more relaxed but still not a problem - I guess it has a lot to do with how we were raised; i.e., to be very responsible.

Also, when we got married, we agreed to discuss any "frivolous" purchases that were more than $50. It's always worked for us.

If your husband is not going to change, you might just have to have separate accounts and make him responsible for what he spends. If the money isn't there, maybe he'll realize something has to change.

Good luck!!!

Are you the one who writes the checks to pay all the bills? I am. Hubby knows we have those bills, but he never SEES them...

SO, write up a budget. I used Excel so it would calculate things for me. Make a list of regular monthly bills (rent/mortgage, car payments, car insurance, cell phone, Netflix, electricity & water (estimates based on recent months), anything else you know you have to pay monthly. Add in what day of the month they are due too. You can also add in an estimate of grocery & other needs.

Total all of this up. This is what you need each month to handle these bills.

Subtract this total from your combined household take-home income. SHOW these numbers to your husband. My husband said even though I physically write the checks (or go online) to pay the bills, he still should know how much the bills are, otherwise he has no clue! He doesn't think about it, so there's no problem for him!

We are still working on our budget. Hopefully I will get my hubby to stop these "I want" purchases too! He thinks he NEEDS anything he wants :/ While I am like you, trying to save money any way I can!!! I have replaced my shampoo, conditioner, body wash, laundry detergent, fabric softener, next is dishwasher detergent!! All with MUCH cheaper DIY options, just so I can save money. And he's off buying computer items or clothes. Bah. They need to grow up :)

[FYI - my hubby is 31, and he says he has pretty much always had someone else handle the bills for him. Actually, my sister's husband used to leave things on and waste electricity. So my sister had HIM start physically handling the electricity bill. Once he had to see the amount every month, he started turning lights & things off!]

How much input / control does he have over the budget? Does he see the income / outgo #s each paycheck? Are you guys on the same page with your financial goals?

I'd rather be in a marriage where my husband understands there isn't any money and makes decisions on his own rather than me having to police his every move. Does he get it? is he being selfish? Does he understand your whole financial picture?

Do you have budget? And do each of you have "funny money"? You should. Even if you are the mom - sacrificing not getting your haircut for 6 months doesn't make you a better mom. It makes you bitter and jumpy when he wants a shirt.

Do a budget. That you BOTH sign off on...... line by line. Here is how much comes in .... here is what it is spent on. THEN each of you get x amount of money each month for whatever you want. If you don't want to spend yours....fine, put it in savings.... or in an envelope under the mattress. but don't just slide it over into the family budget. Make sure you know YOU have some extra too, even if you don't spend it. Then he CAN'T overspend, because he doesn't have anything to spend once he has "used" all his money.

And finally - does he have insurance you can cash in on if you hit him with the shovel...? lol

Before my husband and I got married, we both knew we had different spending habits. We split our finances to avoid any conflicts. We both have a checking and savings account and then we have one joint checking account. We both put the same amount of money into the joint account each month and that is what pays our house payment, utilities, insurance, etc. Each of us is responsible for our own car payments, student loans, credit cards, etc. My husband pays for all food and entertainment type expenses and I pay for childcare. It has worked out great for us. Any big purchases, we discuss first and decide how it should be paid for. Usually, it is something new my husband wants that I don't feel is beneficial to the entire family so he has to figure out how to pay for it. However, new washer and dryer or furniture, we both pay for. Just a side note, I make about $20k more than he does each year.

Decide on a weekly amount of 'splurge' money for each of you. Could be $10 or could be $100 dollars. All depends on your budget. If he's bad about using the debit card, give him his money in cash and have him open his own checking account for his stuff. Clothing (in my opinion) is something we buy WITH the budget, but in our house, we both discuss before one person just goes off and does it. This is what he needs to do with you. You could have said "We don't have X money right now. IF you really want it, save your money and buy it in a few weeks." We do this (we each get around $100 a month for eating out, buying beer, going out with friends, going to the movies, etc). He saves it until he has several hundred and buys something new for his car or computer. I spend mine weekly on lunches out with my mom and friends :)

Um. I would not recommend separate accounts. You could give him an account that is sort of his own spending money. But I am a firm joint account believer.

I would recommend treating yourself a little more. Be a little more selfish. Not crazy. Just a little.

And somehow just keep it going as far as educating him on a budget. Maybe try giving him more responsibility. Treat him like an adult even if he acts like your other kid. I feel your pain.

We are total opposites!! lol! I usually love to spend money on myself. Im about to get married so Im learning how to share with my fiancee. lol I lived with just me and my daughter for 9 years so I kind of gotten used to it! But I think you guys talk about the situation and how you need to save money for the babies. Im doing the same thing! Im 7 months though. But you guys need to talk it out, explain to him that you should communicate before buying things. My fiancee and I share a bank account and marriage is all mostly sharing? (Correct me if Im wrong, Im new at it! lol) So communicate, I know your angry I would be too!

I'd keep the joint account for where you each deposit the amount of money needed to run your family. That should include savings. And I don't just mean "savings for a rainy day" savings but use the "accrual method" of savings. You'll need a new car in x years that will cost y dollars. $y/x/12 should go into your account every month for that car. Or for your annual vacation, the new roof you'll eventually need, hot water heater, as well as furniture etc. Each you should contribute half of your earnings or maybe 60/40 if you agree. No one can touch that money for "fun" stuff. Then whatever is leftover stays in separate accounts and he can buy $65 shirts. I also make substantially more money than my husband and while we don't have to be on a strict budget at all, I know how you feel about these spending sprees of his. My husband felt like he had so much money but it's bc I was covering most of our bills. Now I have automatic payments for enough to cover about half of our monthly expenses coming from his account. Still not perfect bc it doesn't cover the savings items I mentioned but when it comes time to buy a car, he'd better have half the money - especially given his high end taste in cars... And at least his bank account isnt' growing so much bc I'm covering most bills. If you do this, your husband will see exactly how much he has left every month. If it's only $65 bc now he's paying his fair share of the family costs, maybe the shirt won't seem worth it.