M-in-Law Needs to Know When and How to STEP In

Well my first response is not very nice- but in the end he(as you already know) he needs to GROW UP! What do his parents/friends say when he is out all night? They accept this behavior? That in and of itself is not right.

If he was to move back to his parents and she doesn't go with him, how is that different than what is happening now? Is she worried about losing the financial support? Is she worried about losing him? She needs him to start worrying about losing her- not texting him all night to let him know she is waiting for him. She needs to be the one to set this situation straight- and you are her support. Being careful not to make her feel terrible about being with this person but letting her know that you have her back and that you will help her and this baby get through this.

Me and my husband are young 21/19 and We have 2 kids and take care of ourselves with no ones help. I work full time and go to college full time. My husband works full time and is waiting for me to finish college so he can go! I had to throw this up bc what I feel is he needs to grow up and be a father and husband. They should not be living at your house unless it is for a sever reason and the sleep thing is not. I get no sleep taking care of 2 and can still go to school and work. Either they were trying for a baby or a blessing happened either way they are responsible. You are GRANDMA not mama to that baby. I am sorry, but this is not how all youth behave! Talk to his parents and see if you guys can come to a medium where they wont let him move back in and that forces him to get a place for him and his wife. I am sorry your going through this but ALL of you need to have a little meeting and things need to be discussed!

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to be living in your house and avoids being there as much as possible. It also sounds like he needs to grow up. Here comes the part you probably won't like: your daughter needs to grow up as well. She is a woman with a child and a husband. She shouldn't be living with you simply so she "can get some sleep, have some kind of structure." Welcome to motherhood. You don't get a lot of sleep when you have a wee one and she should be the one making the structure for her child. A lot of young people find it hard to grow up because a lot of parents make it easy for them not to. Your daughter and her husband can make it on their own if they have the chance (or she can make it on her own if she decides she doesn't want him in the picture). My husband and I had careers, education, a mortgage and a baby at 23. Would it have been easier to live with parents and have them take care of us? Yes. Would it have been responsible and the correct thing to do? No.

He is doing it because he can. I do not care how tired your daughter is, they should not be living with you. If he has a job and she has a job then they need to get their own place. If you were not taking up all the slack and being so "helpful" then maybe he would see that he is needed.
I know your daughter is young but she chose to get married and have a baby so it is time for her to grow up and deal with it like the rest of us did.
My daughter lives six hours away and has a 5 month old baby. She deals with it and is making it work. Men will not compete with mother in laws. If the MIL is doing it all then they will just back off which is what he is doing.
It is not good for their marriage to be living with you.
The marriage may still not make it but your daughter and her husband need to give it their best shot on their own.

Sounds to me like it's time for BOTH of them to grow up, and uh, MOVE out on their OWN, and conduct their OWN grown-up marriage, and their OWN parenting in their OWN way...they may struggle, but who among us hasn't!

I guess the thing that struck me the oddest was your comment that he would 'demand she go with him' Seriously? Does he have that kind of control over her or is he just popping off at the mouth? If he does have that kind of control then I see that as a bigger problem. I don't think you have any right to stick your nose into their relationship. They are adults, they picked each other, they had a baby, they need to move out and figure this out on their own. You could still babysit, if needed, to lend your support. He's probably not happy and comfortable at your house and feels that your daughter is running to mommy about everything. You can be there to lend an ear but you can't solve their problems for them. If my MIL or mother were to stick her nose into 'any' of business, marital or not I would slap it off (not literally). My mom is there for me to vent to on occassion and may give me her opinion from time to time if I ask but realizes I'm an adult and it's best left for me to figure out and handle on my own. Keep praying and biting your tongue ;)

As long as you're there to pick up the pieces....take care of the baby, let your daughter sleep, etc.....nothing will change. Them being in your house is enabling his behavior. They, your daughter and SIL, need to find a place to live on their own. If he actually had to support his family, it would either work or it wouldn't. He can't 'make' her leave, but they need to live as a family of their own. I doubt his family would take them in. If they had to support themselves, he wouldn't have time to play video games all night....he'd have to sleep so he could work. If things are bad, they'll make it work or they won't. They are not taking responsibility for themselves.

It's great that you want to help your daughter out by letting them stay with you so she can rest. Sadly it is also an enabeler to the husband. He doen't have to be responsible or even be around as you are there to help out and your daughter is in no danger in your house. He has literally NOTHING to do. So he hangs out with friends at his parents house and elsewhere. Now obviously his parents should tell him to go home to his wife but that isn't happening. They need to be living on their own. Where he and your daughter can be responsible for their child and marrigae. It's not TOUGH LOVE, but what marriage and having a family is. I so get how you want to be there for your daughter as her husband is not. But would that be a problem if they were on their own? You said before they married and dated for so long he was timely and responsible, so he has it in him but possibly feels he isn't needed to take the role of responsible spouse and parent because you and your hubs are there? It's a tough situation all around but in the end you can only speak to your daughter about your concerns and she needs to deal with her husband.

Is he cheating? Does your daughter love him? Is he feeling like an interloper in your home?
When my boys (single) are home, they stay out late like this. Sometimes their married guy buddies hang out late too. Maybe the solution is for them to grow up & move out & have to support themselves. Perhaps when he feels like the man in the house, he'll "man up" and be a dad & a grownup. Be it ever so humble, if it's their home, they aren't just playing house. Good luck!

This is tough. I think it's time that you & hubby (b/c it IS your house) set up a few rules. Doors can be locked from 10 p.m. til 6: a.m. for example. He cannot just then roll home when he feels like it. No phone calls to the home phone after 11 (daughter can answer her cell anytime IF she wants to)
I think it's up to your daughter to deal with his behavior but as the "landlords" you can set some rules.
Maybe get some counseling for your daughter (start with a pastor) so her revelations are not coming from you guys, they'll be coming from her...no hard feelings from SIL down the road about that.
Good luck!

She has to stand up for herself, and you need to simply support her and stay out of her marriage. You can not be the one to stand up to sil, it has to be her. If I were her I would tell him to go to his parents, and that I was staying were I was with the baby, and that when he was ready to act like a father, husband, and grown man, I would consider letting him back in our lives. She is afraid of losing him, and he is using this against her, to control her. She needs to learn to depend on herself. Maybe seeing a therapist could help her?

I completely agree with Theresa N.

If it were me I would step back and let my daughter handle the entire situation. I would not fight these battles for her. I *would* pray fervently for her and her family.

As a very caring mom that is difficult to do, but in the long run it will probably be for the best.

Good luck.

the strongest feeling i am left with after reading your post is - HE'S GOING TO DEMAND SHE GOES WITH HIM TO HIS FAMILY??? really? you know, i can't help but wonder WHY that kind of a threat is holding power over your daughter. maybe she needs to put her foot down and say, "know what? you DO need to go to your family, and guess what? i'm NOT going with you." or at least make him know that if he doesn't clean up his act, the alternative is NOT moving back in with his family (all three of them). that the alternative is ACTUALLY, him being single again and moving back in with his family by his little lonesome. not even sure where he thinks he gets the right to demand anything, considering it sounds like she is the one holding their little "family" together.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)

It is not your place to step in. It is not his parents place to step in. They really need to be living on there own and building there marriage together. I am not saying its going to be easy at all for anyone.

His behavior sounds typical for a 20 something guy who is working and/or going to college BUT does not have a wife and child. This was how most guys I knew in college behaved and some girls too, but we were all young single and the only responsibilities we had were going to class and getting to our job to have spending money.

Everything changes when you get married and especially when you have a baby. My husband and I married at 23 and 24...we still were in college, graduate school. We had friends over and went out occasionally but were home together by 10 school nights or midnight on the weekends. Because between classes, our jobs and studying there just wasn't enough hours in the day to go hang out with friends very much...there was too much responsibility we had riding on our shoulders. Finishing school and making enough money to pay the rent and buy groceries. (We ate a lot of ramen noodles. I learned how to make hamburger helper with only a1/4 pound of ground meat. Also if you bought cans that lost their labels they were only 25 cents and we ate mystery veggies and fruit, a lot). I can't even imagine if we had had a baby too.

They are married and they should if at all possible be living on their own and responsible for their own lives. THEY made the choices to get married and have a baby at such a young age and not experience single life and married life with out children and THEY need to get on with living that life THEY chose. It sounds like you and your husband are filling the role your SIL should be filling, helping your daughter get some sleep and helping with the baby.

My advice meet with his parents and together decide that neither of your houses is a place for a young married couple to live...get a plan in place to help them get out on their own...they have to be on their own and responsible...it sounds like your daughter is trying to hold up to her end and her husbands needs to get it together and hold up his. Work it out in advance with his parents that they don't just move this situation to their house. Good luck.

When you have a child of your own - your childhood is over. Mom's come up against this right away, and Dad's should, but don't always. His parents are upset (really?) but nothing has changed? Gee, how upset are they if they keep hosting all night gaming sessions (or maybe they are upset about the thought of putting an end to it)? Do they keep doing it because if they don't he'll find somewhere else to go play? It sounds like they want to keep their baby boy and he's more than happy to not grow up. There is such a thing as video game addiction, but he's going to have to admit he has a problem and want to stop before he does anything about it. That leaves you with your daughter and grandchild hoping her husband will man up. He might, someday, or he might not. She's got a hard road to walk figuring out how long to stay in a one sided marriage.

It makes it a little bit more complicated and maybe...MAYBE gives you the right to speak up since they live with you. Personally, my first impression is that the actions of the husband may be because he is not happy or comfortable, living with his inlaws. (Don't take that pesonally, most young husbands would feel this way!!!). If he is coming home at all hours of the night and disturbing the rest of the household, then you have the right to ask him to either come in at an earlier hour or to come in more quietly so he isn't disturbing everyone's sleep.
Other than that...all you can do is be there as a loving source of emotional support for your daughter. I take it that they are young...your daughter is about 22 according to your letter...and he is probably the same age. They both have a lot of growing and maturing to do and unfortunately they have a lot of things on their plate...jobs...school...home situation, a child, etc. It sounds to me like this young man is being flooded with complaints from his wife, his inlaws and his parents...no wonder he is unhappy. Now I am not saying that the way he is acting is right...it isn't, I am just saying that he is probably on the defensive most of the time and that isn't helping anything at all.
I am the mother of 3 adult daughters, so I understand what you are dealing with. Our hearts break as we watch our children go through things that are painful or hard but this is how they grow and learn. We can't live their lives for them, no matter how badly we want to. As I said at the beginning...our job is to let them know that we are always there for them but encourage them to be independent, smart and full of self-respect. I had to learn the hard way that I was "enabling" my daughters by being TOO helpful....we learn through our mistakes...and so must they!!!
Good luck..if you need to talk..just message me...I am more than happy to be a shoulder to lean on.

Wow, before I read your complete post, I have to admit that I was about to (kindly) tell you to stay out of it. But clearly, some kind of invervention is called for. Have you thought about having your husband talk to him? You mentioned God enough that I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you're a believer, so perhaps he can approach your son-in-law from that angle. Maybe share his testimony and experiences of becoming a godly husband/father. And you should probably have a talk with your daughter. She loves her husband and is (of course) committed to this marraige, but she should never feel "forced" into doing anything. Perhaps you could suggest they seek some marraige counseling from their pastor (assuming they attend church) or go to some sort of marraige enrichment classes if they're offered.

If that fails (or is not an option), there are always books you could buy that would help your daughter, even if her husband refuses to read it. "Why Should I Be the First to Change" by Chuck and Nancy Missler is an excellent start and one that I highly recommend. Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Should-Be-First-Change/dp/09753...

Otherwise, keep praying hard that God changes his heart because that's ultimately what it's going to take.

Love in Christ,

-S.

I kind of like the idea of intervention, but not the whole family. What about having just the men do it? Both fathers? Maybe you and your husband (and daughter of course) should meet with his parents to get a sense of what they are feeling about this. And if everyone is on the same page, let the dads talk to this kid, maybe have a guys night or out to dinner or something. Just another idea...

Your job is to emotionally support your daughter and your grandson. You are not your sil's mom and you have no right to voice an opinion or step in.

P.,

This may not be the answer you want to hear, but this shouldn't be your concern. These young adult-now-parents need to get a life of their own and move out of your house. You say they are living with you so that she can sleep, have some kind of structure, and you can help with your grandson when you get home from work. You are enabling your daughter. He is staying away because he hasn't a home. I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to go "home" to the normal strains being a parent can put on a marriage when it's further complicated b my in-laws being right there.

I think in this case you should help them strategize, figuring out a way to get them into their own environment (home or apartment) and let them figure out how to be a family together. I think giving him the responsibility of providing for his family on his own will be the token needed to make him a proud husband and father.

Internet gaming is highly addictive. It can ruin lives just like drugs and alcohol. There are many churches that offer free counseling for addictions including gaming. Of course he needs to admit he has a problem first. There are also other issues going on in the marriage I'm sure. Counseling is a good idea, but you need to address these concerns with you daughter and maybe even his mother. One of them might have a better shot at convincing him. If he refuses counseling then you know the problem is only going to get worse.

If he threatens to move back to his mother's house then your daughter needs to let him Without her. Maybe that's where he needs to be; he is acting like a Child anyway. The fact that he is making demands on his wife scares me. That is not how you treat your partner in life. He sounds like a first class jerk!

Support your daughter. Help her as she gets her life back together with or without him. She needs to go back to school and leave her loser husband until he starts acting like a responsible husband and father (or for good). CHIP/WIC/ Medicare will take care of insurance for the baby while she finishes school. After that she can get a good job with insurance. If she decides to become single she can qualify for grants. Also if she's under 25 and living with you as a single mother she can usually get on your insurance.

Sounds like she got prego and then decided the "right" thing to do was to marry this loser. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Hang in there. She needs your support and love and strength.

Obviously, she new how he was when she married him. The fact that he did this all the time before hand didn't warn her about how he is? Why are they living with you and not on their own? Why did they get married so young?

First of all, I don't believe you have to stay out of it. Yes, I know that the bible tells children to leave and to cleave and that all the great preachers would tell us to stay out of our children's lives. But that's already out the window since the kids are living at home and apparently unable to take care of themselves.

Why does your daughter need help now that she dropped out of school? My daughter is living at home, working and going to school with a baby here. I love my grandson and HATE the idea of him EVER going anywhere else. But I know that someday she'll be ready to leave. In the meantime, no way in heck would she EVER move some young man in here without me setting the rules and the CURFEW.

I know of some great Christian run programs that are designed to help people get back on their feet when they are homeless. These programs have curfews and so should you. It's sad that you need to set one. It would be great if he was all grown up before he married your daughter. But apparently he isn't.

Since his parents don't like this either, it seems like a big family meeting is needed. Treat him like an addict and get an intervention going. They can BOTH get it straight or they can leave and find a way to live on their own.

As the wife of an AVID gamer, there really is nothing you can do. I have had these conversations with my husband many times. BUT- we had the agreement before we had kids, that after 10pm, the baby was his. If he was going to be up late, there was no reason for me to be as well.
This should change with maturity.
You can say something, but it will piss everyone off. He does need to go to only one night a week, but he and your daughter need to come to that agreement and you need to stay out of it.

Quoting you:

His home always had friends all hours of the night playing video and now internet games and other fun guy stuff.

>>>>>>This continues TODAY!!!......<<<<<

He sounds extremely immature and uncommitted. It's your place to speak to your daughter and tell her to stop complaining and set some boundaries. But, I can tell you this, I have a friend and her husband was a carbon copy. They argued and fussed around the kids alllll the time about it and created an unhealthy stressed environment.

He, on the other hand, should be respectful, but again, that comes with maturity and common sense. Sounds like he's lacking in both.

However, leave it up your daughter to manage the situation, otherwise if seeing your daughter mistreated and taken for granted, continues to irk you, then you will have to ask them to move out. BE Careful and GENTLE with the approach because lately men have been snapping and becoming increasingly violently towards their family and extended family.

Well, it's your house. Tell him while he lives with you there will be no more of this....or, find somewhere else to live. Tell him to man up, maybe find a decent job and take care of his family.

Your daughter also has to put on her big girl panties and tell him no more. She needs to understand that she and the baby deserve for him to treat them better. She may feel really trapped but you know you guys obviously love her and the baby very much....sometimes that is all a girl really needs, support.

It sounds like he is just a kid.

It's your house, your rules.
DH

God

The only way I would suggest you address it is with your daughter. Your main concern is her, and you can talk to her let her know you are there if she needs you to lend and ear and give some support. I would give advice but sparingly and in a gentle way. If she feels you are butting in too much she may just leave and move in with his parents. Maybe the 4 of you can sit down and discuss some long and short term goals such as what are they doing to plan for the future, a house or apartment etc?

It does sound like he's freaked out about being tied down but this is a phase that generally passes. Hopefully he will get it out of his system, but if it is bothering your daughter she needs to address it with him not you. Maybe they need counseling, they definitely need help with communication!

Hang in there hopefully he will grow up!

Well they did marry young and had a long pattern of dating life, which is soooooooooo different from married life! I read a few responses and am with the general consensus that you don't have a place to fix their marriage. They have to do that. But I will say that this is actually totally unfair to you!! Your daughter is married, she is his responsibility to care for now and of course he is hers. The fact you know so much, is a prob bc she is still leaning on you for support where she should be turning to him and her being there is allowing bad behavior to continue unresolved, just griping won't fix anything. So I think you ought to put your foot down and give them a date they have to go. Not him, them. She chose him and now she must work with him to make their marriage last. She may be hurt by this, but she is going to have to toughen up bc right now he is acting like a big old baby and getting away with it and nobody but his wife can straighten him out, maybe not even her. But it might be surprising what having some knock down drag out fights might do. She has to become his wife, not your daughter who married this guy..... I think your prayers are your most powerful weapon!!;) But do what you can to not take sides...it's hard...but she needs to be able to talk and feel like you still think something good about her man, after all they are one, whether or not he is acting right. He has to grow up, but nothing in his life is facilitating that right now, sure he probably feels guilty but because you are there to pick up the pieces he doesn't have to change, things aren't coming to the boiling point as they need to. I think them being out of your home is essential to their survival which is 1000 times more important than if she is exhausted right now. I am sorry that she is in such a tough spot and that he is acting like a spoiled teen, but this is resolvable. You mentioned church, perhaps who she needs to talk to right now is the pastor or a counselor and you could help by looking after the baby for an hour or so:) Stop being mom to your little girl and shift to being a loving mentor to a young wife. Your marriage is a testament to the fact that marriage works, teach her how to be a wife and you will be giving her the best gift ever:) Bless you!!!

I do agree that it is something that the couple need to work out on their own, but if you want to set up some rules of coming and going IN YOUR HOUSE then you are well within your boundaries... Having adult children who refuse to act like adults is always a rough call!

Good luck to all of you!

blessings,
Stacy

Seems he has not finished growing up and the romantic idea of a wife and child has clashed with reality. Have your daughter talk to his parents and together than can talk to him. That way it comes from them and not you?
If not, give him an ultimatum. It's your home. Tell him to man up and that his wife and children come first. If not, he can go back to his parents or get his own place. That way he can party all he wants, as long as he pays child support on time. Your daughter also has to grow up. She wanted to marry and have a baby. That means learning to work with little sleep and paying for child care. Maybe they should move out so they both learn to be responsible people. It seems to me they are both playing house without the full responsibilities.