Lost My Interest in sex...HELP!!!

I definitely understand what you are going through. I have 3 children, 61/2, 5, and 22 months. I haven’t been interested in sex or anything else that goes with it for a long time. My bf can’t understand what is wrong because when we do have sex it is grate. I wish I new what to do. I talked to my OB about it once. He said that I have 2 young children and a new born to deal with. I watch a lot of DR Phil, and he always tells husbands that if they helped there wives more around the house and with the children, that they might find that they are having more sex because there wives have more time and energy.

S.,

Are you taking birth control pills? I found that the pills I was given for birth control while breastfeeding made lose interest in sex and responding to the my baby's cries. I took it for a week and stopped when I realized that I was less sensitive to my baby's needs and not interested in sex. Good Luck!

I'm also interested in seeing what others say about this. I have had similar low sex drive on pretty much since i became a mother.

I think sometimes after we have a baby, we are so consumed with taking care of baby/family that we just don't think about making love as much or we feel tired to. And sometimes when we are breastfeeding the physical sensations are not the same in our breasts. Our breasts are seen by us as more functional rather than sexual. I think it helps to just make myself be in the mood...I pray about it and ask God to help me please my husband and to serve him this way, I take a shower, put on a great smelling lotion, or put on a favorite outfit. Oh...I also communicate with my husband that I want him to change my mood and to be patient with me, but I am always willing, I just need help. I guess what I'm saying is, I make myself be in the mood, and wait for my feelings to follow. Hang in there, and keep trying!

J.
"Helping Moms Work From Home"
MyKiddosCome1st.com

You are not alone, and it very normal. Stop and think for a second, you have given birth, and are raising a new born, who demands your attention 24 hours a day, and rightly so, he deserves it. So when there is finally a chance to sit down and take a break, the last thing you want is anybody "hanging" on you, even you BF. But here is the good news....it does get better, for me it usually takes a year before sex becomes something I look forward to, I don't really like to cuddle but I have always been that way, but I would assume that comes back in time also.

Start slow, and get your BF on board. If you don't feel as if sex is expected it doesn't become such a chore, set up date nights where nothing more then spending time togather is expected of either one you.( using that word a lot :) ). Even if it is an hour every Friday after the baby is asleep, you don't have to leave the house to have a date night, be creative, a late dinner, a picnic on the floor, a movie and some popcorn, some strawberries and whip cream.

If your Bf takes the pressure off, you will be more willing, it is hard being with children 24 hours a day it is the job that never has an end and there are no vacatins that go with it, so let yourself know that it is ok to feel this way, and things do get better, but it takes time and understanding from your partner, otherwise you will end up feeling resentment. Good luck!

As a side note I have 7 kids, Ages 16 -18 months, there are periods where I always feel like what you explained, but the fact that their are 7 kids should let you know it gets better!

You just had a baby, of course sex is the least interesting thing! Don't worry, give yourself time. My son is 14 months old and I didn't feel "normal" about sex until he was almost one year old. Don't let your mate pressure you either. Just tell him you need more time. However, because you love him you8 may want to "show" him some affection so he doesn't think otherwise. Men are simple that way! Good luck, and yes it will be fun to have sex again.

This is totally normal. It happens a lot expecially when you are breast feeding and tending to a new baby. The demand on your body from the breastfeeding and the stress of taking care of a new baby is demand enough and then to top it all off your husband is in need of sex and you are physically overloaded. Healing from the birth is hard on a womens body as well and the rapid drop in progesterone after the birth causes this to happen as well. I know that for women it takes a lot of cognitive mental coaxing deep within yourself and you have to literally imagine you love sex and make yourslf do the initiating just like the other post was talking about. When your mind creates it, the body follows. It might not happen in one try, but I know the body just needs a little reminding and you can picture what it use to feel like and literally have your body feel the sensations. Then, make the effort(though it be difficult) upon the imagery you created and the memory of how good it has felt and tell yourself you can feel this again. IT just needs a little reminding and it will come back. Remember: for women, sex desire is created in the brain and lots if imagery for coaxing, especially after having a baby. I understand that it is a need for men and thus makes a relationship happy and healthy so with that in mind like when you get in the shower, deeply think about all the sensations and how wonderful they can be or were and that it would be wonderful to feel that again. You almost have to make yourself do it and then go to your mate and make yourself initiate with those wonderful memories of how sex use to feel and tell yourself that your going to think nothing but positive thoughts about it while the act is done. THis really works. I was abused as a baby and have had sexual issues all my life and the only thing that has helped is this imagery therapy. IT works! It works! It works! Good luck.

S. - I totally understand what you're going through! I have a 4 month old, and have had ZERO interest in physical, romantic contact with my hubby. For me, I think a lot of it has to do with hormones & breastfeeding - I feel like I'm more functional than sexual right now!! I know my husband has been anxious for us to get back to "normal" in this area - so I've been making an effort to give him some attention. One thing we did during Valentine's week that helped me to feel more romantic: we sent each other emails couting down our Top Ten Moments as a couple. They were fun memories that I hadn't thought of in a long time - our first kiss, our first date, vacations we've taken, etc. It might be something fun to try with your man - but in the end, you'll just have to give it some time. You'll feel like yourself soon, but in the meantime be honest with your honey until your body and mind are ready.

sounds pretty normal to me. you just had a baby not that long ago and your body is still recovering. I don't think we realize what our bodies have gone through and how long it really takes to recover from pregnancy and childbirth. you are probably really tired and busy. one thing you could try is that after the kids are down for the night, take some time to yourself by taking a bubble bath. put some lotion on and if you have anything that makes you feel sexy or even a desirable woman;), and think about what a good time you really will have with your bf. by the way, the horomones during pregnacy increase sex drive, especially being preggers with a boy. afterwards, sometimes, we just need to convince our brains what it used to be like and that we can still enjoy ourselves.I feel like I'm rambling, but I hope this helps in some small way. don't give up! and good luck!

S. - I have been through this before. Let me assure you it is totally normal. Awhile back I thought I was weird when I lost interest, but then I read a book that interviewed a lot of women and guess what? They've been through it too. Trust me, it gets better, it just takes time. I hope your partner can understand, take it in stride and not take it personal.

I'm sorry to hear this. Have you discussed this with your doctor?

Also, I'm not as motivated as before due to exhaustion.

I suspect that some reasons may be related to stress. Also, don't rule out some lingering post-partum depression. I suffer from depression regularly and I know how that affects me. As for the stress, I think that women internalize stress. It affects them in invisible ways, so you don't even realize that you are stressed. I imagine that going back to work, leaving Keifer and having a real life change (going fully to 'birth mom') can toy with your insides in ways you may not realize. Also...how much down time do you really have now. I was a single mom for years and it was a constant marathon to juggle work, motherhood, household stuff, etc. I would suggest carving out time just for YOU in any way possible. Whether it is working out, reading, etc. Whatever makes you happy (outside of the house time is preferable). Also, carving out time for you and your husband to be without kids and able to act silly and sweet can rekindle a lot. The daily grind can really hurt your sex drive. It is hard to rediscover yourself after you become a mom and start juggling. Talking to your doctor about it is never a bad idea either. Good luck S.!

What cured me is the book, "THE ACT OF MARRIAGE" the beauty of Sexual Love by Tim & Beverly LaHaye. Let me tell you every night I read it I was jumping on my husband to get him into bed and on top of that the sex has NEVER been BETTER! I highly recommend this book to anyone!

S.,

This happened to me too and it lasted until my little girl was about 7 months. It actually stopped when I made a decision that I was tired of turning down my husband. I read an article in parenting magazine about sex after kids and it made all the difference. It took a little while but now I am the one doing all the initating and my husband loves it! Good luck and give it time, it will get better. You can also ask your doctor for some advice and see if they have anything to say about it! Good luck to you and your boyfriend!

It is totaly normal. Your body is going through changes. It will come back. Its really bad when you are nursing. I did the same thing. My baby is 7 months and im just startin to get my drive back.

Welcome to motherhood. I have gone through exactly what you are experiencing and to be honest I'm sure other women have too. Look at it this way, life is extra busy right now for you and your mind and body is being stretched to handle too many things. Most women's bodies (not all) going through an adjustment time after having a baby. Some last longer than others. If you are breast feeding this can definitely increase your lack of desire for intimacy with your bf.
Here is my recommendation. First speak with your bf about this and note it has nothing to do with him, but rather an adjustment your body and mind are going through. Possibly set your body and mind to "serve" him a few times a week while you adjust to a new baby in your home. Put extra care to setting up the scene for intimacy when you can and lastly relax, take the pressure off yourself and give yourself time to adjust to all that is happening to you. I tell other mothers to plan on six months transition. Another important reason to communicate with your bf and discuss alternative ways to please one another until your desire returns - and it will return.

As everyone else has said, this is totally normal. As for how much time it takes to get back to the way things were, it is different for everyone. Hormone levels are the biggest culprit. However, women think a lot during sex, and it is hard to get your mind and body in the mood when you are thinking: is baby okay
I hate this extra weight on my body
I just want to sleep
what if baby wakes up
I need to do laundry
I need to wash bottles
shhh...the baby
my breasts hurt
etc...
You can explain these things to your partner, but he is not experiencing baby in the same way as you. Getting time for yourself helps--such as a massage, as others have suggested. It also helps if you take the reigns for the sex. Talk to your partner about the specific things that turn you off immediately (like touching breasts if you are nursing). Plan ahead in your mind about how you are going to seduce HIM. Do things that will help put you in a better place--candles, music, lighting,...let your mind wander. This will not make everything better, but it helps.

I was having trouble normalizing my period after my second child. I tried three different pills and then was put on a high estrogen pill. Then tried one more other pill. This went on for about a year after I stopped nursing. My OBGYN finally said that maybe we should try some tests (fibroids has already been ruled out). Before the tests I wanted to try one more thing--to stop taking any kind of pill. Low and behold my period normalized on its own! The other thing that happened is that I started having a libido again. The pills were actually suppressing my libido. So...do not take for granted how much of an impact hormone levels can have an effect on your body. Normalized hormones will help your libido, but in the meantime play some mind games with yourself to get through.

I hope this helped.

First...I had to make a conscious decision to see the two sides of my body...the sexual (breasts nd body for my husbands pleasure) and necessity (my breasts as nutrition for my son). Once I felt comfortable with that difference, I didn't mind my husband touching my breasts and then we could just laugh at the flow of milk soaking the bed.

Also, I found that if I made the effot to feel sexy (get up, shower and smell purdy, put thing out so they were ready so that once the baby was asleep we didn't waste time looking for lube or condoms or whatever, get music ready) it helped and my husband responded wonderfully to it and that helped the mood. Also, sex really hurt the first few times, so make sure you have lots of lubercant and a side lying position helps...esp if you had a c-sect and your incision/muscles are still sore. On a high note, I found that my pleasure actually increased since having a baby loosened things up down there. I think this is a very common problem, so don't let frustrations/regrets/guilt make it even more difficult for you. And if you get in the mood and it doesn't work, don't get discuraged and try, try, try again. All else fails, start dating again, but make sure not to ignore your husband/sig other!!!!

I'm on baby number 2, and I know how you feel! I was dreading this part when I was pregnant, because I knew it would come. One thing that has really helped this time, is actually taking an active approach and trying something different. I would recommend any of Laura Corn's books (like 101 Nights of Romance). Basically they have a one page list of to-do's to create a fun and romantic experience. Some pages are for the man, some are for the woman. So you are planning and preparing for each other. They are SO wonderful. It's nothing pornographic or anything, just ideas and suggestions. For example, one day I was SO tired. I knew my hubby wanted to be intimate that night, but I almost couldn't bear the thought. He followed the steps on one of the pages, and made me a beautiful candelight bath, followed up with a massage. It was exactly what I needed, and ended up being such a wonderful night.

S.,
After having 6 children, I can tell you from experience that this is normal... but something I always work on improving! Massage can really be helpful as Tammie J mentioned and the massage therapist, Pam that she gave you the number for is really good and who I use as well. I have found many health benefits from massage as well as the pure relaxation that we as mom's sometimes don't pamper ourselves enough with. If the good advice given by others posting as well does not seem to help then I would recommend you see your O.B. Dr. They hear the same thing from so many of their patients and probably have some help for you. In the meantime, take time out for yourself too. Enjoy time your partner and find some common ground together. In our busy lifestyles, sometimes all it takes is slowing down.
Wishing you the best,
A.

Perfectly normal! You might feel like this for awhile, b/c of the massive hormone changes, lack of sleep and huge lifestyle change. Give yourself some time and be really honest with your bf so he can understand it isn't him. If possible, talk to your doctor and see if she has any recommendations for "in the meanwhile". But most of all, know you are normal (as normal as any of us :0) ) and get some sleep and help from friends or relatives. try building up your sexual relationship gradually, by dating again. Good luck. S

I think it is very normal to feel that way. I have had 2 kids already and went through the same thing after both. For the most part I think I was afraid of getting pregnant again. I didn't want to have any of my kids closer than 2 years apart. So yeah along with all those other things that you hear, like the demands of a baby, and such, and plus, your a mom, and you probably worry tons about everything. My poor husband was shunned for a good while after I had my kids, poor guy. anyway I hope everything works out for.

I know exactly how you feel and it wasn't until I had my third child before I finally figured out exactly what was going on. I had heard all of the explanations previously listed, but I finally realized that they didn't really explain what was going on with me. Having a baby and raising children is emotionally and physically draining. Being intimate with your spouse, although enjoyable, also requires a physical and emotional effort. When my husband wanted to get intimate, or even acted like he wanted to get intimate I already felt so drained physically and emotionally that the thought of giving a little bit more was frustrating to me. Even the littler things like ear nibbling and kissing would be frustrating because I felt like another demand was being placed on me. I eventually realized that my emotional needs had changed because of the baby. I needed to feel like he was putting effort into my needs. I don't just mean helping out with the baby and around the house, although that is very important too. What I mean is that we had limited time together and I needed him to take some of that time and just want to spend it with me, no strings attached. If I felt like everything was leading to sex all of the time I would get frustrated. I needed him to just spend time with me without trying to take things in an intimate direction. I was so emotionally drained from the kids (I have some pretty high maintenance kids) I needed a lot of emotional support from my spouse before I felt like being intimate. Once I figured that out and addressed it with my husband things were great in all respects.

S.,
Sometimes you are to tired to be interested. You might have your hormone levels checked. You might be low on progesterone. At Vitamine Cottage they have herb enhancement supplements that help. I would try one of those before you spend a fortune at the Dr. You need to take some of these for a while to let them build up in your system.
C. B

I have had this problem, although i never gave birth. I would say talk to you doctor maybe your hormones are not right and that will cause this.

You might have a little post pardom going on.. I was the same way after I had my son. I started exercising and taking a good multi vitamin increased my vitamin B and a few months later I was feeling alot better..

Hi S., I am like Amy a Romance Enhancement Specialist with Slumber Parties, and I would definately invite you to host a Slumber Party with a group of your girlfriends where you can let loose and laugh and be able to talk freely and openly. It is a great girls night out, if you would be interested please feel free to contact me. What you are going through is normal though.

J.
###-###-####

It could be your progesterone levels are low. They tend to plument after giving birth. A transdermal, bioidentical, natural progeterone cream may make a world of difference. A good book to read is Hormone Balance: Your Life and Health by Kristine Klitzke is an excellent source! Good luck!

Sometimes I have the same problem. Not because I don't feel like it, but because I have an extra 15 pounds hanging around after I had my now 14mo old, it's been hard to feel good about my body while in the bedroom. I am again expacting another child and am 4mo's along. I can only hope to get my body back after this baby. I really think that might help.

I also get tired a lot sooner in the PM after having a baby. I would rather sleep once the baby has gone to sleep then have sex with my husband.

Everyone says it kind of changes once you have kids, and I never thought much about it. I think I need to work a little harder now!!!!!

This is actually a very common problem. Physically your hormone levels continued to rise until you gave birth and then they BOTTOMED OUT. This can cause many things... lack of desire and depression being some of the most common. If you had a tramatic pregnancy or birthing experience you could be reactiong to fear. Affection = baby... afraid of anohter baby. Therefore, affraid of affection.

Many women are just flat out affraid to get pregnant again. I am not sure exactly what your situation is, but if it were me I would go to the doctor and get my hormone levels checked as well as my seritnonin... to see if I need help getting back in balance.

there are many things you can do.
Go talk to your doctor
Self explore and see if anythign feels good wtih out the pressures of pregnancy
go get a massgae...
I know that sounds kinda of crazy but massages help "realease" toxins, fears, emotions that are held in our muscles. I would recomend a female massage therapist ... I personally like a girl named PAM... I had never had a massage before I had trust issues with people touching me and she is awesome. Her number is ###-###-####.
I would also recomend you call Miss Anisa... you maybe just "out of whack" she is a mom of six kids ... her number is ###-###-#### if you are not getting the nutireints you need your body will not respond appropriatly. I hope this information helps... if you want a more personal "profile" if you will call me. my cell is ###-###-#### I have a degree in biology and am a "For Your Pleaure" Romance enhancement specialist.

Quite normal, sister...Hormones all going for the baby, also sounds like maybe a case of baby blues. Hook up to some mom/baby groups and you'll find you're not alone...
Parenting Place in Boulder is a good start for groups, I'm sure there's more...

No, you're not alone. Every mother I know went through this at one time or another. For me, I found that if we planned time together, as unromantic as it sounds, I could be more relaxed and actually had some interest in touching, cuddling, sex. I also told my husband that if we planned something earlier in the evening, not at bedtime, I wasn't as tired, and that also helped. If you're breastfeeding though, it seems to just suck the interest right out of you (pun intended). I found that the last place I wanted to be touched was my breasts, so I just told my husband that they were off-limits to him and he was okay with that. After I stopped breastfeeding, things got a lot better and now that our kids are older (3 and 5) things are pretty much back to the way there were before we had kids.

It will pass. Just give yourself time. You're busy now with an infant and returning to work. Stress does nothing for your sex life. Be patient and try your hardest to make an effort. You might find that even if you don't think you're in the mood, if you just try that you will be within several minutes. ;-) Best wishes.

S.,
I think this is an age old song. It could be hormonal, or the distraction of what must be the new love of your life (your new son), but my advice is to fight for the intimacy. Touching is as important to your husband as it is to your newborn son. In this age of couples staying together because of want too, and not have too, we cannot forget that the foundation of the family must be upkept. when he comes toward you to nibble on your ear, before you cringe, close your eyes and remember how important that gesture was not so long ago. And think about how tragic it will be if he stops coming towards you, for fear of rejection. besides..how long can it really take to "put your husband to sleep"? Finally I would say seek a medical conclusion. peace and blessings

S.- I too lost all interest in sex after my babies were born. I thought it would come back but, not to scare you but, my oldest is 7 and my youngest is 4....My husband and I have sex maybe twice a year. Not that I don't love him or even feel attracted to him...I just never think about sex....never have time for sex...and can always think of something else to do. My husband hates it but, understands it's better than feeling forced.
Good luck to you. Maybe you're just in a rut? Could you get away with out baby? Maybe that would jump start it!
Best-H.

I would have your hormones checked to see if they are all balanced a dip in any of them will affect many different areas in your life....after babies esp!!

just a thought M. Weidner

Yes, tons of us have gone through this loss of interest in sex, and it is totally appropriate to talk to us and your doctor about it. Pregnancy & birth have a enormous effect on your endocrine system and the doctor can determine if that is contributing.

Wishing you luck, some good sleep and a responsive physician.

S.,
What you are experiencing is quite normal for new mothers. That it is a concern to you is wonderful. As I have referred to others in your situation read the book "When Partners become Parents". It will assist you in realize why you are feeling the way you do.
There is a shift that occurs in new mothers for the time that the baby is in need of your constant care. It is natures way of assuring that the infant will be protected and loved. I believe just being aware that this is a normal stage will assist you to get back to "normal" in a healthy, loving way.

It's your hormones. You go from 200 mg of Progesterone your third trimester to almost zero. There are a lot of Moms experiencing the same thing so don't worry. I started on Natural Progesterone Cream and boy did that help!

I tried all of the ones at health food stores but Arbonne's Prolief worked the best. I call it 'happy' cream. Feel free to email me with any questions or for more information. ____@____.com

I went through the same thing after my daughter was born. My doctor reassured me that it is very normal! She said that our bodies go through a lot of hormonal changes during and after having a child. My doctor also did blood tests, just to make sure nothing else was going on. She said that pregnancy hormones can affect and sometimes cause problems with your thyroid. That was my case and after taking care of my thyroid problem I am feeling more like myself! Visit with your doctor, just to make sure nothing else is going on! I have had to try harder at the intimate stuff but it is worth it. We can't forget our husbands, I think of it as saying thank you for giving me my daughter! :) Good Luck and be patient it will get better!!

I had the same problem. I don't know why but I think it's because our bodies tell us not to do the "deed" when we have a little one. LOL. I got over it about a year later when I stopped nursing. It was a total turn off to have my breasts leak while... you know. Good luck.

This is a really common problem that lots and lots of moms, including me, have had. I bet you have the blues, too, and maybe you're feeling a bit emotionally sensitive. Right? It's a shame that people do not talk more about this problem, but rest assured it is common. You will recover.

You can wait it out, but honestly it might take years to get back to where you were. If you take that route then just make intimacy part of your calendar. Make dates with the bf after baby is sleeping, etc. However, many mammas I have known have taken 2, 5 or 7 years to recover their libido after childbirth.

But don't despair. There is a classic homeopathic remedy that can help you pull yourself out of this state. You can pick up from the health food store. It is called Sepia. Buy it in a 30c potency. It will set you back maybe $8. It is specifically indicated for women in this state.

Take one (1) dose only, and then put it away in a drawer where you will not be tempted to take it again too soon. You might want to tell your BF you've done this, as it could help him feel less rejected and perhaps enhance his patience. The remedy is one that will act over the course of a month. You shouldn't have to take another dose until then, if at all.

Besides being a mom, I am a classical homeopath and can tell you that this is a remedy with a long, gorgeous history of success without side affects. However, use it only if it fits what's going on with you. Best of luck.

This is so ironic. I was just having this conversation with a close friend of mine. We were both talking about our lack of labido. I have a 8.5 month old son and she has a 4 yr old son! I seriously think this is a physiological issue and that many women are walking around feeling the same way. I don't have an answer for you, however I wanted to respond so you know you are not alone. My strategy will eventually be to visit with an integrative physician (naturopath/western med doc) to get some testing done of hormone levels, adrenal function, etc.

S.

This is really common with couples after childbirth. You are not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. Your sensual priorities have shifted to mothering which seem to oppose adult-adult erotica and is very satisfying on it's own. However, it can be problematic for your marriage should you become stuck here. Your husband, who has less access to the eros of mothering, needs you and needs to express his love, intimacy and lust for and with you. I'm not talking about submission on your part in any way, just the reclamation of your earlier connection and perhaps some innovations in creating a more space for an erotic marriage within family life. For more support around this I recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and Sexy Mamas by Winks and Semans.

Hi S.! I know exactly what you are going through. I am actually a Romance Enhancement Specialist and sell products of this nature. I have helped many women in your situation. I do have a couple of products that would be ideal for you. The actually help bring blood flow to the genital area and increase your libido. If you would like more info or just like to chat let me know. My number is ###-###-####. I would love to help!
Sincerely,
A. R.

Dear S.,
After 4 marriages,and a total of 9 step kids, and 3 sons of my own, I can tell you I relate.
Your tired number one, and trust me when I say, youwill get it back when you go back to school and get an identity of your own.
You didn't say how old you are.
But I am assuming that you are young.
Life has a way of leveling off.
Tell the BF to be patient and be romantic, it will help.
Good luck and don't panic.