Lost My Identity

I hear ya!

I am a creative person and let me just say that even my son's baby book has suffered. He's five now and it only goes to 7 months! I started taking zoloft when he was 1.5 to keep from being angry and resentful over the fact that I have no time to do the things I love. I love being a mother and am pregnant with no. 2 now. I know that life is going to become crazier once this one pops out, but it's what I've sighed up for. It's finding a balance that's difficult. Hang in there and just know that prescription drugs do help!
All my best,
T.

Totally feel you. I decided that I was going to do something for myself. I found a mommy photography class and was so excited. I went to register for it, and it was cancelled!!! I was so disappointed. I know that I need to find something similar for myself, but I feel so guilty because I get such a small amount of time with my kids and husband as it is. My husband doesn't have this guilt, so I have to just keep trying.

I think we all go through this at one time or another. For me, it tends to go in cycles. Right now I'm in a down spot. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and there's nothing left! I want to just have 20 minutes to do a quick workout and I rarely, if ever, get it. Yet, if my husband wants to work out,the entire world has to stop for an hour. As mothers we have SO much responsibility. I take care of the kids, the house, the bills, the cars, the doctors appointments, and so on and so forth. It's draining.
It's hard, but you have to take a little time just for you. Try to find a 10 or 15 minute window of time, if you can. It might take some juggling to find that 10 minutes, but it's well worth it! I have a Mommy confession. Sometimes I pretend like I have an upset stomach. I sit in the bathroom and read a magazine. Nobody wants to bother me cause they all think I'm ill. Heehee....It's not the best solution, I know, but a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.

You are totally overwhelmed. You need to carve out a few minutes each day for you.
Even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes you need to find it. Get up each day 10 minutes earlier and open your Bible or take a long shower or whatever moves you. Set the timer if you need to.
It takes 2 to tango and he helped create your children, so he can absolutely help care for them. Yes, his schedule is crazy. Whose isn't?
One night when he is home, just decide that you are going for a walk or to the store or whatever. Just do it. Don't ask him if he minds. Just go. He can do bath and bedtime.
Is there another teacher from your school who lives close by who has children. I bet she is feeling the same way. Trade off taking the kids. Go to dinner with your spouse and reconnect. Or better still, leave the kids with your respective spouses and go have dinner.
It will get better.
As the kids get older, there will be more time as they become more independent - of course the worries are larger and the gray hairs more prominent.
My advice - start small - find 10 minutes.
You'll be glad you did.
LBC

You are not alone!! I have to fight for my time and then, if I get it, I feel guilty because I am not doing something with my family. We are mom's we never win. After the Holiday madness passes you should start to feel better. There is something about this time of your that makes us even crazier.

I realized that reading the bible is what keeps me on my path. I keep a journal and a bible in the bathroom, my prayer book on my treadmill and when at work i listen to Joyce Meyer on the web, I have found out that I have to press in to make time for the who knows better than me. I am not sure how old the children are but I have found that we as mother's have to make them responsible for chores that are age appropriate and that has given me some free up time. Be patient with yourself and conquer one thing at a time and sit alone in silence once a day even if it is on the bathroom floor or in the bathroom at work or in the car on your lunch.

There are times when it seems like every one else s needs come first.
It changes as kids get older, and then suddenly they are off to collage and it's sometimes a shock when you can do what ever you want once your nest is empty.
The trick right now is to remember it won't always be like this.
Hang in there!

Hi K.C.

As I walk into my house from dropping my 5 year old off to school....after a draining morning of battles over what to wear, what to eat, everything....I am crying hysterically, thinking I need to call to get in with some family therapist. So, I log on here to see if someone can recommend a good professional to see. The first post I read is yours. I want you to know that you are NOT alone! I feel like an empty shell of a person without anything for myself. My family takes and takes, my husband doesn't seem to get it, either. Always reminding me that this is what I wanted, too. I've felt completely alone and almost like I want to be put away somewhere just to refuel or simply sit in silence. You are not alone. I'm sorry that you (that we) feel this way. It's not fair.

Hugs to you..........
M.

I have a devotional sent to my email box every morning... like you I find myself not having the gumption to open my bible daily. Basically when times get rough we fall further and further from the creator and begin to lose contact. Staying in touch by prayer and meditation makes all the "little things" much easier to tolerate. It's easy to say we don't have time, when in all reality we do have it, we just choose NOT to do whatever it is the little voice is telling us to do.
Make a list of the priorities and knock them off one by one. We can only do so much in a day. Don't pressure yourself, we cant do everything or be everything to everyone all of the time, but we can some of the time.
Mom's feel like theyve lost their identity, but guess what... your identity is just "changing", change is what freaks us out. You are still yourself KC, your life is just evolving. Sweet memories of simpler times can be enjoyed in a photo album and long phone chats with good old friends, but you cant go back so don't TRY to. You free yourself when you realize that as fact ;)

Whill my Husband dose not pull the "you wantded kids card", he some times dosnt get it eather. His job in hte air force is always chaining, and I have had to change plains, move stuff around, and do thing all by my self (things that where oftin his idea to do) with the kids.
I am a stay at home mom, and he dose not understand that my job is 24/7 all year round. I dont get to "leave work and go home" and I dont get weekends off. I got to feeling jsut this way at the end of the summer. I tolled my DH that I need some time for me, and that I was thinking about going away for the weekend all by my self. He bocked at this a bit. But I pointed out to him that I hadnt had truly any time to my slef in about 4 year, and that asking for 2 days ever 4 years was not asking to much. Whill he was not overjoyed about me going away for a weekend by my self I stuck to my guns and he gave in. I went to a spa for the weekend, and let me tell you by sunday I was ready to get back to my crazy life, feeling much better and refreshed.
Whill you may have been the one that started talking about having the kids, that dosnt make them any the less his (because I am pretty sure he was there to help make them). I would tell him as his wife and partener you need some time to refresh yourslef. Even if its not a weekend away, maybe he could put the kids to bed so you could read for an hour, or do the dishes so you could have a long hot bubble bath.
Also, I think sometimes mothers vew there own needs as less important than everything else. If you dont fold the clothing befor bed so you can have a little you time ITS OK!!! The house wont come crashing down because it waits till tomorrw. Rember you are a better wife and mother to your kids if you take some time for your slef to recharge, I hope you can find somthing that works for you and your family

Blessings

Sounds like me!!! Here lately I am sooooooo tired and just feel all out of sorts. It sounds like your hubby doesn't have a solution so he is just passing the buck. Men don't handle it well when they can't solve a problem, in my experience. I have actually been wondering if the weather change is affecting me. I know I really need to get back into the Word. I do exercise, but somehow just a few quick verses can just lift my heart up. So I would say that is what I am going to do. Actually reading your post made me encourage myself! I am going to start today and read my Bible even for 10 minutes. Maybe you could read a little on lunch break?? Hang in there, you are not the only one for sure! Oh and I don't think we have lost our identities, I think fatigue is a big blocker, but we are still there. I know the minute I get rest, spend time with a girlfriend, I remember that I am still myself. Hang in there today, praying for you!

Here is a solution to SOME of your problems....MAKE time for things that really count. MAKE time for bible reading, the less you read it, study it, spend daily time with God the more lost you will be....even if it's JUST a verse a day, give him SOMETHING. You will never GET the time for the things you want to do, you will need to make it.

Maybe you should try repriortising your habits....maybe make a weekly devotional that on 2 out of 7 day's you'll spend at least 1 hour reading the bible, even if in 15 min increments.

or you'll spend 3 hours a week for YOU whether it's soaking in a bubble bath for 30 min or alone in your room reading a book for 30 min or out taking a walk by yourself. your husband needs to pitch in and do the same busy work so that he can be that father that he chose to be. Your husband cannot rightfully say that YOU wanted the kids because HE too contributed so therefore YOU BOTH wanted them and he needs to quit putting all that responsibility on you.

my kids and husband have learned when i go to my room, or the bathroom and close the door DO NOT bother me..that is ME time and i will NOT answer unless an immediate emergency

shaun i play the sick card probably more often than i need, but when i AM sick or have a headache, the world stops, my husband waits on me hand and foot and makes the kids do the same, my youngest (only of MINE) will come cuddle and give me (her name) medicine...love it....but when i am "sick" i don't milk it, i just take my moment i need.

love doing that

I can't remember what I like to do for myself anymore! I'm with you - when I do schedule "me" time - I rush through it and feel guilty, torn between wanting to be with my family and wanting to recharge my batteries. I'm getting better at taking care of me - but my kids are 9 and 11 now so it's easier to leave them be. I set a goal this year to read at least one book a month (I used to whiz through them quickly) - and that has helped. I usually find one and get obsessed for 3 days until I finish it, but it makes me happy when I've done it. Hang in there - it's cliche, but the day will soon come when they don't depend on you and you'll miss it.

Find 20 minutes a day for yourself and do what YOU want. I found myself in a similar spot when my son was just over a year old. I loved my career, but it wasn't challenging anymore; loved being a mommy, but not loving the weight I was still carrying; loved my husband, but felt like we weren't contributing equally and he was managing to find 30-45 minutes a night for himself.

I sat down and had a real conversation with him one night. I didn't whine or complain, just told him that I didn't feel like myself and that I wanted 30 minutes to myself each night to work out and "reset" my brain after running like a crazy person all day. His response- "okay, so what's stopping you?" My response... a list of "stuff" that needed to get done and an added mention of his "internet time" to catch up on the news- really does read the paper online each night.

He didn't realize that I needed help and time b/c I had alluded to it, but never came out and said it. Now, he gets "his time" right after dinner and that's my "mommy time" alone with our son. Then we switch and it's great! Most nights, I hop on the treadmill, but some nights I grab a magazine and go take a really long bath. Doesn't matter- it's "my time" and 20-30 uniterrupted minutes is all it takes!

I understand where you are coming from. I hope your hubby wanted kids to. It takes a mother and father for that :) I know you may feel overwhelmed but truly because your life has changed with kids you have to plan. I have three little ones 5 and under and I am working fulltime. I've learned that I have to be organized and whether you like it or not you do need to plan and carve out time for yourself :) We have hired someone to come and clean house every two weeks and perodically hire highschool/college kids to help our with less than inspiring chores like hang outside Christmas lights. There simply isn't time for me to do it all...If it is doing dishes or having an agreeable hubby watching kids so I can have a girls night out then I take that opportunity and run with it. Nothing beats getting a break to feel human and like an adult. Give you and your hubby grace...Take small steps in changing your routine a bit. Plan one thing like work out 2X a week from X time to X time and see how that goes...etc. It will only get better.

Hi K.C.!

You HAVE to pamper yourself! If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. Plus, if you "fall down" everything will go down with you (and we know it right?!?)

Start with a $20 Pedicure/Massage at one of the numerous nail salons. The warmth of the bubbly water, the healing feeling of TOUCH will renew your inner self. PLUS it's almost like a medical treatment, they clean your nails just like you would get your teeth cleaned. And go by YOURSELF, relax, shut your eyes, it's all about YOU.

Take care girlfriend!!!!!

~A.

I was asking myself this same thing this week. The other day I was thinking Who Am I? The only answer was Mommy. Huh? What happened? I have become extremely frustrated over work and home. Sometimes I really wish there was a hill or padded room where I could go to just scream as loud as I possibly can. I work full time, go home and work some more. I have 4 kids and my husband works nights so he is not there to help me or help make me-time. Also he works weekends so that is also out. When I get home I have to once again get on my older kids about thier chores. They are either done poorly just so they can say they did them or not done at all. We are in a really small space (older kids share a room and youngest is in my room) no there is no room to spread out and a lot of screaming to be heard over everyone else. Sometimes just to get some sanity the TV is disconnected. We have an old one so it will not work without the satellite setup. My husband does try to do stuff around the house but he has a back injury so is limited. And since I took care of EVERYTHING when he was down, it seems like everyone expects that to continue. I told him last weekend that if something does not change I am going to have a nervous breakdown or blow up, looks more toward blowup if you ask me. At this point I am glad to remember to breathe, which I have been doing a lot more lately (1, 2, 3...)