Losing My Mind Trying to Get Baby to Sleep and Nap Without Holding Her Hand!

Hey R.,

I hear you. I'm 8 months pregnant and have a 14 month old. I"m lucky that Ihave never had trouble putting my son to bed, at 4 months he was in his own room in his crib and before that he was in a bassinet in my room but never really in the bed with me. The only thing that I would strongly recommend is making sure you have a good bedtime routine. We do a bath and story time while he drinks a bottle then put on some soothing music. Sometimes he does not go to sleep right away and we here him talking and singing over the monitor but heis calm and so we leave him be. I think you may have to keep doing what you are doing and slightly increasing the time in which you return to your daughters side. If you go in there every 2 mins then it is worth her crying to wait for 2 more min. But if you slowly expand that she may wear herself out and fall asleep. It is hard to see them cry but when baby #2 comes you will not have the time to hold her hand all night so you might as well break the habit now. Hope this helps and good luck.

Number one: you need your sleep.

Number two: Don't think of this as "traumatizing" your child or depriving her of something; think of it as an assignment: you are going to teach her how to comfort and settle herself. It's a skill we all need. There are plenty of websites out there with how-to's and methods.

Three: enlist your husband/partner/friend--somebody--to help you with this for maybe three or four nights. Hearing a baby scream is not fun, and when you're the mom it's physiologically stressful. When we were doing this with my oldest, I just went into the back of the house, put in earplugs and played computer solitaire. I knew it needed to happen but I couldn't deal with the wails; my husband could. It's well worth three or four nights of hassle. And as for "what's wrong with giving her comfort?"--the answer is: lack of sleep is physically bad for anybody. For a pregnant woman, especially in the first trimester when your body is building that placenta, it'll just knock you flat. And then where will your child be?

Have you tried taking the shirt you wore for awhile off and place it with her in the crib? I used to have a problem with my youngest not sleeping in even the bassinette next to the bed at an early age. I would take the shirt I had been wearing that day and place flat like a sheet in her bassinette or crib and she would sleep better. She liked the smell of mommy. She eventually was able to sleep without it by the time she was about a year old. It is amazing what connections that our children have with us mothers.

Hey R., You may want to get the book 'Good Night, Sleep Tight' by Kim West (The Sleep Lady). In it she talks about doing the sleep lady shuffle. You start off putting the baby down when she is sleepy. You (for the first three nights)sit right by her, stroke her, pretty much what ever it takes minus picking her up. Then after the first three nights, you move a little further away. And so on. Until after 14 days you are out of the room ( you do the same at nap time). It worked for me with my at the time 6 month old in about 4 days. It also, worked with my at the time 2 year old....that took the whole 14 days plus a few relapes. I did tweek it a bit to do what felt right to me. It also, talks about cosleeping (which I did not do). I hope this or for that matter, ANYTHING works for you. Good luck!

R.,
omg!! 2 babies in 2 years!!! wow! you are a brave woman!
anyways, i was a single mom when my 4yr old was born so i understand the sleepless nights and not really knowing what to do in order for my son to go to sleep at night. now, i am going through it with my 8mo old son. what i have found that worked with both of them is having a strict bedtime routine (i.e. dinner, bath, bottle, bed) every night around the same time. after eveything is done, i take him and lay him down in his crib give him a kiss, tell him it is time to go night-night, turn out all lights, walk out and close the door. when he fusses, i let him cry for 15 min. if he sounds like he is slowing and calming down i stay out, but if he is still going at mach speed i go in pick him up and bring him out to the living room to try to calm him down.(lol, i went through this tonight) after about 15 or 30 minutes i try to put him back in bed, which usually works. if the same thing happens again just keep repeating the process while lengthening the time you allow her to cry. it has been a little bit harder lately because he is teething so if he is really upset i get the baby orajel and soak his gums with it and that generally helps as well.
i wish you the best of luck with this one and the new baby coming!

I co-sleep with my son - and have since birth. He is now almost 2 and mostly in his own bed. I do not believe in letting children cry it out as their cries are valid responses to feeling insecure and afraid. My son refused to sleep in a crib for nap from about nine months old on. I bought some extra long bed rails from One Step Ahead (Smart Guard Ultra II Bed Rail)and put his mattress on the floor, and he started taking naps on his own right away knowing that he could get up and wasn't trapped. I always stayed with him until he fell asleep and was right there for him when he woke after about an hour or so. I also gave him a small teddy bear to hold, but he has never taken to it. At 18 months he started to go to sleep in his own bed while I knit or read a book next to him. It takes up to 45 minutes. Then he will wake anywhere between midnight and 7 in the morning and want to come into bed with me, and I always let him. This has been a slow process, but I love him so much and know that if he feels secure, loved, and cared for now he will be such a healthy boy as he grows up. Of course I always tell him what a big boy he is when he stays the whole night in his own bed. I don't want him to sleep with me forever after all and hope he is in his own bed all night by the age of 3. Enjoy the closeness to your daughter now, because she will grow so quickly. Remember, she just really loves you and you make her feel safe, so you're being a good mom, if not a little tired like all of us trying to do the right thing for our children and still find time for ourselves. I won't let a book tell me it's better to let small kids cry it out. There are many books, that will argue the opposite, including Dr. Sears and Dr. Brazelton.

Dear R.,

I understand what you are going thru, because my husband and I did the same sleeping method: co-sleeping. We found out the hard way, in the beginning, that this sleep method did not work out at all, for all of us, although it kept our son from fussing and crying, in the early stages of his life. But, it was working out between my husband and I, cause I was getting upset with my son sleeping in the bed with me. He kepted moving around and hogging up the bed. I told my husband this, whom was happliy sleeping on the couch, cause he was getting his sound sleep, when we did this. But I wasn't. So when I told him, he got upset and thought I was trying to make things hard on all of us. I explained to him that this co-sleeping method does not seem like the right thing to do for our son, because I began to realize . .that he may get used to sleeping in the bed with me, as he gets older. My sister did this with her son, and she had a hard time getting him to sleep in his own bed, as he got older. I did not want that to happen to my son, so I told my husband we must stop the co-sleeping method, cause of that and also because of my bed situation with our son. Although it may sound cold and cruel, sometimes we have to be firm with our children's demands. But, it can be done in a loving and understanding way, without us looking like the bad guy. We have to teach our children that they can't get their way, but discipline them to grow up . .and help them understand that they should learn to honor their parents, by listening to their instructions, to discipline in the household.
I told my husband that I believe its best that we take charage of the situation, as his parents and discipline him to learn to accept sleeping on his own. By teaching him what we expect, for bedtime and nap time, he will grow tp respect us, cause we show we are in charge, and not him. Children will only learn to listen and obey their parents, when parents teach them to respect and honor their parent's discipline within their household. And, parents must be consistant and prompted to discipline, when something goes wrong . .so that there is peace within the family household. When parents discipline their children, in a proper manner, whenever necessary, this proves to not only the public, but to your own children, that you love them ..cause you care enough to do what is best for them, as a parent ..who is there to help guide them in life by being a good example for them to see and follow by.
My advice, with your daughter's situation is to teach her to comfort herself (let her cry it out, when she fusses and crys, cause she is only doing this, just to get her way and you give in to her demands) and teach her to fall asleep on her own. With time and patience, she will give up and accept it . .cause if you dont give her a choice (by letting her sleep with you and be there to hold her hand for comfort, then she's got no choice, but to. If you keep doing what she demands from you, you basically are allowing your own little daughter be in charge of an adult, when instead .you should be the one in charge of the situation. She is won't listen, by still fussing and crying ..because you need to prove to her that she needs to respect and learn to accept your authority, as an adult parent. I know that letting her cry it out in her crib, sounds harsh and cruel, but believe me, allowing babies and children to cry and learn to go to sleep on their own ..is a good way for them to learn how to comfort themselves (crying is form of comfort for all human-being, at any age. Its not a sign or weakness, as many assume .but its not. Its a sign to help a person learn to endure the hard times and be strong) and learn that they need to grow up, by sleeping in their own bed, and not Mommy and Daddy's bed. If I were you, I would let her cry it out, at bedtime and make her learn to fall sleep in her own crib. Make sure you set a time, every night . .as her bedtime. You could make bedtime a good time (instead of saying to her, okay, bedtime right of the bat), by giving her a nice warm bath, have her play with her toys, and after the bath, before she goes to bed. Children become more cooperative when their they have a set routine, cause they know what to expect. Most kids dont like their routine interruped with other events that will disturb their social interactions between the two of you. Also, at bedtime, could choose something that is best for the both of you. Find out what other method will help her fall sleep, besides holding onto her hand, all night, lol. Will she fall sleep if you read a bedtime book to her, or play some soft, bedtime music for her to sleep to? As for my son, I let him know when its bedtime, by seeing that he goes to bed at a certain time (9pm) every night. I will give him a hug and kiss good-night and play some soft, Christian music for him to listen and fall asleep to. I did this bedtime routine every night, and he soon knows what to expect. Each and everyday, he fusses and cries less and less. Now, he only cries for about 5 minutes (he's 19 months) and goes right to sleep. . .cause he's got no choice to. A few times, he would get out of his bed to come by us, but we tell him: "Go back to your bed, its bedtime." He understand the word, "bed and bedtime", cause he will cry and fuss alittle, trying to get his way. But, we don't let him get his way, but have him learn to listen to us, as his parents. It works. Things are better now, and we dont have problem with him like we used to. He falls asleep when we tell him its bedtime.
As for napping, our son napped 2 times (about 45 min each; no longer, or else he would be up later at night when he let him a few times) during the day when he was young like your daugther. Once he got older, like around a yr old, he started to be more active and stayed up longer .with only wanting to nap once during the day. We had him nap about 45 min to 1 hr, and then have him be up, so that he will not sleep too long. Otherwise, he will be alert longer at night, and won't sleep by 9pm. (He gets up at 5:30am, so I am up by 5am each morning with him) But, when it comes to napping, I found it too hard to force him to nap a certain time during the day, so I let him nap once whenever he gets tired. He usually naps around the same time, every day . .between 12 and 3, for about 1 hr . .and we have no problem getting him to bed by 9pm.
Note: When my son was younger, like around your daughter's age, because he still did not sleep thru the night (you will face this for awhile, until she gets older), with his naps . .I mostly ended up napping right along with him, because I was kinda tired during the day, due to interrupted sleep at night with him. So, I decided to cuddle up with him, and nap with him when he napped, lol. It worked well for both of us. He feel right alseep, at nap time. But, now ..he naps only once, and I will cuddle with him, but pretend to nap with him. Until he fall asleep, when its naptime, I slowy and gently get up and place him down on the couch (he naps on the couch during the day), and sleeps in his bed at night). Sometimes, I will put him in his bed, during naptime, when he's asleep . if its not too bright in his room at that time of day. If you wish to, you could just teach your daugther to nap and sleep in her crib only, cause she is still young to sleep on a couch . . . for safty reasons. Wish you luck!

Hope this helps,
A.
from VA, a mother of 1 son, Chance (19 months now)

Dear R.,

Try to calm down, what you're going through is what we all went through at some point in terms of not getting a lot of sleep. You probably won't get a good nights rest until your baby is about 10 to 12 mnths. Concetrate on taking care of yourself. Eat right, take vitamins, and nap when your baby naps. Sometimes you may have to sacrifice house work for sleep. When my baby was that age, I survived off of naps. I also had a co-sleeping arrangement with my 16 mnth old. She never went to sleep without my being in close physical contact with her. The key to weaning her into her crib is to be very consistent. But her wanting you to hold her hand is perfectly normal and very sweet. Babies love thier mother's to touch them , they are in love with our scents,our voices, and our skin. It's one of the greatest compliments to being a MOM. Just keep up the good work and enjoy her, know that THIS TOO SHALL PASS! When she's a little older, she'll be soo busy running around that you'll have to steal a hug from her. Good Luck! And you may want to train the new baby to sleep in the crib from the start, I know I will with my next.

Oh, and about the "crying it out method", I tried this with my baby for many different issues. She cried many times until she threw up. I decided that nothing was worth making her this upset. So decide for yourself if this is the method you want to use. Does she cry for a while, then eventually stop? Or does she appear to be extremly upset and scared? If she is extremly upset , then she may not be ready yet and you may want to choose another method.

I would highly recommend The Sleep Book or the sleep chapters from The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. She's only nine months old and has been co sleeping. What you are describing sounds like what I'd expect from a 9 month old. You have to do what feels right for you and your family. If leaving her screaming with tears makes you feel awful, it may not be what's right for your child right now. What's wrong with holding your baby's hand? She is comforted by you. That's a positive thing. Good luck.

I basically agree with Sunny, her system sounds like a good idea. You have trained your daughter that she cannot go to sleep unless you are holding her hand, now you have to untrain her. It will be hard, but you have to do this, she can't change her sleep routine on her own. And when the new baby comes, I hope you realize that it will be better for you and for the baby if you set up a sleep routine that does not require your physical presence and allows the baby to get to sleep on his/her own. Learning that it's OK to sleep alone is a very important part of our personality and will foster a sense of security and self-reliance on a child.

I'll agree, that's a nasty habit you started. I remember when my daughter was 2 months old and still wanting to nurse every 1 1/2 hours. I was running on NO sleep and deeply depressed. My sister gave me a book called Baby Wise. I took the main concept from that book (which was do not nurse to sleep) and ran with it. I made sure that she was wide awake when I put her down for a nap, or at night. She got used to going to sleep by herself, and now she's almost 6 and doing just fine. I did the same thing with my son (27 months old now). Both of my kids went down for a nap (without fighting me), were asleep within minutes, and have not fought me for bedtime yet either. When they get used to a "crutch" for sleeping, it's hard to break. I know what you mean about the lack of sleep though. And I can't imagine having two within a year of each other. I'll be praying for you!!

I have a 2 year old and from the time she was about 4 months old I would try to let her "cry it out" so that she can learn to sooth herself to sleep. It is one of the hardest things you can do as parent, listening to your child cry, but I can tell you from experience that it works! My child now has no problem getting to sleep on her own for naps or at night. My advice would be to do whatever nap and evening routine you normally do, put her down, tell you love her, and leave the room. After 5 minutes, if she's still crying, go in, pick her up, kiss her, and put her right back down. Now wait 10 minutes before going back in; do the same as before and repeat as necessary. It'll un-nerve you, but in the end, she'll learn. It'll take a few days, but if you're consistent and stick it out, I really believe she'll sleep on her own. It's better to do this now than when your new baby comes. In the end, I think she'll end crying it out anyway when the new baby comes, because realistically, you won't be able to tend to both of them at once. Good luck!

Have you tried playing a cd to soothe her to sleep. I received a lullabies(heart beats, soft piano playing, raining ect) for a baby shower gift and it was one of my best gifts. My daughter is turning 4 next month and I have been playing that same cd since birth EVERY time I lay her down to go to sleep. Not once have I ever had a problem with her going to sleep. But from day one she has been sleeping in her own bed. I would kiss her goodnight tell her I love her, put her night light on and push play on the cd and I am out of there. There is nothing extra I just do that in the same order every day (at nap time and night time) for the past 4 years.

I cannot believe she has not gotten tired of it yet can you imagine listening to the same cd every day for four years of your life it probably would drive me bonkers but she doesn't mind because she is used to it.. I will buy more cd's soon for her to go to sleep with...She had a problem for the first time yesterday during nap time she just would not go to sleep and that also was the first time that I could not get her cd player working...

R.,
I was against the crying out method originally because it broke my heart and I couldn't take it. I have three kids and both of my boys reduced me to the crying it out method. How did it come to that? Well... I tried staying in the room and talking to them (they wanted their backs rubbed). I realized that they freaked out more when I was there not touching them than if I left the room. Yes, they screamed and cried when I left the room, but not nearly as long as they had when I was in sight. I thought it would have been more comforting to them to have me talk to them, but instead, it seemed to give them false hope that I might pick them up. The first nights were horrible, but eventually, they both got over it. My youngest is 20 months and still wakes in the night. I hear him, but never go in. He fusses a little, but always goes back to sleep on his own.
Good Luck! and don't beat yourself up over leaving your daughter in there crying. It will only be harder when the new baby arrives. The last thing you want is for her to associate not getting attention at bedtime with the arrival of her sibling.
K.