ok, I am very sorry if this is long winded. I am looking for advice from someone who definately knows what they are talking about, or someone who knows where I can find the correct answer to my problem:
My step daughter is 9 years old, and her mother is my husband's ex-wife. Her mother has Narcisistic Personality Disorder, as well as a host of other psychological issues that are, as far as we know, undiagnosed. Two weeks ago we had a birthday party for my step daughter and I gave her and her friends homemade popsicles. At the end of the party I was only able to find the plastic stick to one of the popsicles (they are the ones you make in the little plastic trays). I asked her if she remembered at all where they might have left the other ones and she didn't know. I told her it was no big deal, we could get more but I didn't want to litter on our neighbor's lawn, so if she ever remembered seeing them to just let me know. - so this past weekend she tells me that she remembers where they put them- that they gave them to her friend Suzy's mom. Now- Suzy's mom dropped her off 4 hours earlier that day on her way to the shore for the weekend, so she obviously was not at the party. I told my step daughter this, and that she must be mistaken because Suzy's mom was not there. SHe got very upset, insisting that she gave them to her, and that she was there, and couldn't understand why we didn't believe her. She repeated herself over and over, almost like she was a tape recorder. Very bizarre.
Now- the reason this concerns me is that my husband has told me several times that his ex wife used to do this exact thing when her mental health started to deteriorate. She would recite stories to him, of things of little importance, that were extremely far from what actually happened, and would repeat them over and over again- almost like she was trying to convince herself- like she made up this story and believed if she said it out loud enough times it would become true. He would try to reason with her and tell her that her story did not happen, that he was there, and repeating it over and over would not make it true, and she would look at him like she didn't understand him.
I had a psychology major in college, but ran out of money about half way through so I was never able to finish my degree. I am hoping someone out there has finished and can tell me if chronic memory confabulation is something I need to be worried about. Please help!
my husband is a psychologist and may be able to help you. You may reach him at ###-###-#### .He also has a website - www.abingtonpsychology.com. I know this must be very hard for you. My thoughts are with you. I see you are from west chester. If it is too hard to see Dr. Bank, he also does some therapy over the phone depending on the situation.
I don't have a psychology degree but would do one of three things - 1) talk to her pediatrician for advice and/or ask for a referral to a child psychologist, 2) talk to the school counselor and ask for the same referral, 3) if your insurance allows you, seek out a child psychologist on your own. Though I understand your concern, is it possible she is simply mimicing her mother's behaviors? That, too, would be concerning, but on a different level. Best wishes to you.
Hi T.,
I am a psychologist and I specialize in children. It is very difficult from your description to figure out what (if anything) might be happening with your stepdaughter. She is only 9 years of age and her response to your inquiries might have simply been her reaction when she realized that whatever she had in fact done with the items was not appropriate (threw them away or other). If there have been other incidents and/or you and her father are worried about her then take her to be seen. If you are close to Philly she can be seen at CHOP for an evaluation. If you are in the Western part of the state you should take her to WPIC. Good luck.
Maybe it would be helpful for you to read up on the impact of NPD on children. I also reccomend the book Emotional Vampires. All can be found used on Amazon. At the bottom are some other titles on the subject.
It is very tricky to try and be accepting and loving towards your step daughter while not reinforcing the stories. In her world with her mother this is most likely how she gets her mothers approval.
I think the others advice to get some counselling services for your family to try to come together with a plan how to deal with this issue(this is not just her issue). I think it is important, if he already isnt, for your husband to also read these books... him starting to see his own daughter take on the traits of his ex could make him want to move away from her emotionally and that is not what she needs.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
hi T.,
I read all of your respones.
good to see peoples helped you w/ dr.'s and great advice .
I am ' just a mommy , grammy' I diagree w/some things .
[ my views] your husband seems to be ' numb' to the r-e-d- f-l-a-g-s= . he simply stated,' this is how my ex acted w/ illness was amiss' ........he should not accept this for his 9 year old lovely child .
seek proff. help now before puberty kicks in ..
I am not going w/ the mimick theary . by age 9 children outgrow mimick'n adults .[ age three they love to mimick mommy / daddy / the waitress/ the cashier etc]
tons and tons of help for 9yr old out their.. so what if you are wrong ... you got her a one on one evaluation ...
if you are correct ; you saved her from a life of
misery , out of control, etc...
daddy has rights ... if you have to go through the school to prevent 'mommy' from the denial of her child 's illnes... go that route ...
having partial custody and age 9 creates dr. issues .
good luck
you have some great answers to see you through ...
* yes ... keep notes ...[ even if simply code on a calender to remind you of dates and episodes ... will help in evaluation]
a grammy
I would seek advice from a professional.
I didn't study abnormal psych, but family systems. . . . Is there the possibility that this is a learned behavior, copying her mom, or does she always live with you two? There is the possibility that this is a defense mechanism in action -- you asked a question, she worried she would get in trouble so she created a story in which someone else was to blame so you wouldn't get mad at her. I would keep my eyes and ears open, and perhaps make a journal, so you not when this happens, the dates, the setting, and what she said, then what the reality really is. It's not "chronic" unless it happens regularly.
I don't think it's unusual for kids to protect themselves and pass the blame. My brother used to have an imaginary friend who did some of the things he shouldn't have been doing. My mom took it in stride, telling him that he should tell Peter not to do it again. He's a perfectly sane adult, so it worked. Rather than correcting her perception of reality, what happens if you (for example, in this situation) have her give a message to Suzy. Ask your daughter to tell Suzy that you aren't angry, but that you won't be able to make homemade popsicles anymore because she took all the popsicle sticks home with her. It's quite possible with a group of children, that they all landed in the trash, and it's very frustrating to lose the whole set, but I would be very gentle when reprimanding her in the future -- try to make it so your frustration isn't aimed at her, and see if that helps to ease the situation.
But do keep a journal, so if it is a chronic behavior pattern, and you want to get help, you have more info than just your memory to work with.
Good luck.
barb
Mental illness runs in families. Please take her to get checked. There is something wrong and with the medications the dr's have there is something to help her.
take care
T.
Hi T., I understand your concern, I don't have a psychology background, but I do come from a family riddled with mental health issues. I suggest if you and your husband are concerned you get your daughter evaluated by a professional. Talk to the counslor at school or your daughter's Doctor to get recommendations. Don't make a big issue about the appointment the more relaxed she is the better and more accurate the results will be. Her attitude going into such an exame is critical. Also don't look for problems or over-analize either you have enough of an educational back ground to be over sensitive too. Best wishes and good luck!
