Looking for Advice About My Thirteen Year Old.

Don't you just want to shake teenagers and say, "Trust me, I know what I am talking about!"?

Do what you can to help her build her self-esteem.

I don't know what is going on with your daughter, but I will tell you what went on with me at her age. I had sex at 13 (booo!!). I was very insecure, had low self-esteem, and was just a people-pleaser. I had sex because I thought everyone else was doing it, and I wanted the boy to like me. So sad. My dad worked A LOT and was not home much, and when he was, he didn't act super-interested in us kids. My parents never helped me understand that sex was giving your self away to some boy--I was simply told, "You don't have sex until you are married." I couldn't talk to my mom about sex. The bottom line with me was, I didn't VALUE myself enough to not give myself away. I think so much of it stemmed from not getting enough attention from my Dad. Does that make sense?

I would have truly benefitted from counseling back then. I ended up in years of therapy later from the issues I had that led me to be sexually active, depressed, and to struggle with eating disorders.

In no way am I saying your daughter is heading down a path like the one I chose. However, if you do recognize she has low-self esteem, I think counseling would be WONDERFUL!!

Whew. Haven't shared that deep stuff about myself on here ever.

Good luck to you!!!

She is seeking male attention.
Has your husband been "her man" since she was born. Can she go to Daddy for anything?
He needs to step up big time. He needs to be the one that takes her everywhere, goes to her ball games, dance recitals, whatever. He needs to go with you when you shop for clothes and say yes or no to the things he likes.
He needs to lavish attention on her.
Right now her hormones are surging through her body. She doent need mom's as much as she needs Dad's approval. That is big. Why should she go to another boy if Daddy took care of all her needs? I do not mean this inapprpriately.
Have him take her to the grocery store for something you forgot, sour cream
Have him help with her homework
Have him teach her to jump the cars
Have him drive her everywhere
Anything he can do to hang out with her.

If dad can't do it, can Grandpa, an uncle?

Encourage him to do these things. It should make a difference.

Her hormones are in FULL effect, so instead of making everything around it bad, just discuss things with her - matter of factly. Have her read and understand ovulation, ejaculation, fertilization WITH THOSE TERMS. Take the nastiness of "sex" out of human reproduction. Have her understand all of the STDs and their symptoms and lasting effects. Show pictures of clamydia and genital warts, etc....just as part of the sex ed you are giving her. Literally, give her EVERYTHING, so there is NO interest in something so matter of fact.

Get her involved in sports or something she REALLY wants to do. Keep her busy.

Your daughter is mentally getting prepared for the act of sex, and thank goodness you are a diligent parent and have caught her before she makes decisions that she is not 1) old enough to make and 2) could very well compromise her health.

As we get older, we should not forget what the surge of hormones can do and the lack of irrationality that it produces. This is the hard part for you as a mother: now that you are aware of what is going on and what she is mentally engaging (all actions are produced prior as thoughts), you have two extremes:

1) Do I put her on lockdown, take away her privileges and watch her like a hawk?

OR

2) Do I talk to her, hoping she will understand and try to guide her to the right path, while allowing her to control some decisions without extreme supervision?

The only one who can determine which option to take (or a middle approach) is you as the parent, because you know your child and love your child. I have a wonderful mother and could only hope to be half as great as she. My mother applied Option 1) with me, and I was horrible to her because of it (although I deserved it fully, but at the time I did not understand that I did).

I did not understand what was going on with my own body and was putting myself in situations that now (at 27 and with three step-children) am so grateful that she took the countless energy to make sure that I did not. Bottom line, however, was that I was that child that needed Option 1 and if you gave me an inch, I would take a mile. My mother knew that and was very strict. I remember her telling me once when I got grounded: "I do not like grounding you, S.. Never forget, when you are grounded, your father and I are grounded too. I assure you, it is easier to let you do what you want and not ground you. But I love you and you are grounded because I can not allow you to hurt yourself. You will understand someday." Of course, I would walk off in a hoot saying she was wrong, I would never understand, but when I reached the age of 24 I understood and I was grateful and I apologized. It took 11 years to appreciate and understand, but I did and my mother and I are very close now.

I believe, as a mother, the right approach is within you. You know your children better than they understand themselves, especially with hormones and everything altering their brains. The first thing to do is
1) decide which option or middle approach that you are going to tackle, and commit to it.

2) If signs of progress or worsening behaviors persist, alter your plan. With kids, everything changes as their hormones increase or decrease - what works today may not in a year from now-if your child shows signs up progress, reward it and vice versa. No one said a parenting plan does not have to change.

3) Be the parent. Giving the child what they WANT is not giving the child what they NEED. Remember, winning the WAR is the goal; not just the battle. Don't surrender and do everything with love. The child will most likely always fight, but that is why they are the child. It is the parent who makes the child become a successful adult who is able to have children of their own. As hard as it is and as mean as children can be when they are restricted, the more they appreciate it at the end. I am a living example and my mother is my hero.

1st, let me tell you this, you really DON'T know if she is having sex or not! I am sorry if that sounds harsh but the reality is, if she is posting nude pics, she is sharing her body, sharing your body is a form of sex even if she isn't having intercourse!

You need to figure out your best course of action here, if her friend isn't allowed to, 'hang out' with her anymore then something else is going on in her life that you don't seem to be aware of. If you can't get her to open up to you then you DO need a counselor because she is headed down a road that she thinks she is ready for but at 13 she isn't!

You can shut down her FB but if she is defiant & smart she will simply open up another one that you won't know about!

I don't think she is, 'people pleasing' I think she is pleasing herself & indulging in behavior that you, she & her family aren't going to be able to control in the very near future...You are her home life, so you need to get it figured out, be intense about this one, she is going to need structure, unconditional love & some down time at home...again, if you feel the need get her a counselor.

Best!

ah I bet she is into a boy or something and looking for the attention. You need to try and refocus her energies into an outside activity. This is why my daughter does gymnastics, ice skating, acting, etc. She has a face book which I'm her friend and I know the password. Will she talk to you? If not find soemone she feels secure talking to if you can. Just start making surprise visits to school during lunch time see who she is hanging out with and if she is making all her classes.

If she's had her FB account for a while, you don't have to erase it. Simply tell her that you will be monitoring it by linking it to yours with a parental guard. Everything goes to your account! It may help a little so she doesn't feel like she's out of the social loop. I'm not a huge fan of FB at all, but it would be wise to let her keep it while you monitor it closely. This way you will know what is going on.
If she continues the behavior mentioned, the punishment should fit the crime. Suspend her from using anything she uses to send inappropriate pictures, i.e. cell phone, ipad, computer. Then contact whomever she's sending that stuff to and talk to their parents.
Over all things, talk to her about what's appropriate and what's not. Let her know that she is loved and can talk to you and her dad. Remind her that what others her age think is "in" is really not healthy and can harm her, that you expect her to be responsible and use good judgement.
Good luck to you!