Long Story - Am I Being Paranoid?

Based on all of that, minus the smoking, my husband ought to assume I'm not only cheating on him with ALL THREE of his sisters' husbands, but both of my brothers' wives too. I'm such a skank.

Well, I am starting to dislike your husband.

But yes, I think you're paranoid.

On the other hand, if your sister and your husband are in the next room together and you hear farting, yeah, you better go take a look.

:(

why would you ever mistrust your sister?

all of the sittuations you describe are so tiny most wouldn't even pick up on it. i get it though. kind of. if its not trust and jealousy that he's being sweet to her. i think i get it.
my boyfriend left a note on his aunts car telling her he missed her loved her, and hoped her day was well.
obviously, it's not romantic. It's his aunt. she parks in the same parking lot that i do. it kind of bummed M. out that he didnt take the time and intiative to be sweet to M.. Obviously you're supposed to go further for the one you love more than others. he does in a zillion other ways. i mean i see him every night, he reads stories to my daughter....yet i was jealous over this tiny thing? For him it wasnt sweet to tell her it was J. a hey, miss you, kind of note you'd write your mom...
i explained yes i get that it's not sweet in a romantic sense to write that note to her but it would've been to write it to M., and it kind of bummed M. out to know he was capable of such gestures but didn;t do them. prior to that i had J. accepted he wasn't one of those guys....
so i guess in a way i can see how him doing tiny gestures for her sets off an alarm. i mean if my boyfriend never opened my car door and did for his mom, i wouldnt be thinking he's going to sleep with his mom but i';d be kind of bummed he doesnt do those gestures for M. if he does for someone else.
although the gestures you mention aren't even sweet gestures. he's J. merely interacting with her it seems so i'm left confused.

i think you're overreacting ALOT. I think i overreacted to get bummed in the slightest sense over the note. we all have flaws and things to work on. communicate to him what you need to make you feel safe. obviously you should enjoy the fact he loves your family so you need to deal with those issues on your own, but perhaps there are things he isnt doing that make you quick to question?

You are being paranoid.
I realize you have trust issues, and if in fact you do not trust him, and actually feel he would cheat on you with your sister, why are you with him?
If hes a good man, treats you well, and have no other reason than what you stated to not trust him, yeah, I think its time to get some help.

Yes, I think you are being paranoid. Every single one of those scenarios can be innocently explained. Even as a package they just point to the fact that he is being polite to her, and feels comfortable with her as his sister in law. You are projecting others actions on to him. I think you need to talk to your counselor about how to handle it.

If you keep looking for reasons to believe he is cheating you are going to drive him away. Nothing in this is a reason to suspect cheating, especially with your own sister. Think about it, you are so paranoid that you are not only suspecting your husband but your own sister!

Whoa. You are essentially accusing your husband of having an affair with your sister. I hope that you recognize that if you EVER verbalize this without actual proof, you will alienate them both and other members of your family.

Having said that, it sounds like you are looking for things to worry about. Seek out counseling immediately and don't breathe a word of this fabrication to anyone!

Okay, well, taking into account your issues, let's hash it out. Are there other instances you can recall that he put you first, helped you with something, etc. If so, then maybe you are nit picking some of this other stuff. Maybe you are looking for instances in which to be concerned. Think about times your sister is around and times she isn't around and consider the whole scenario with your husband.

That being said, just from this explanation, I think there are some red flags. Does it mean he's cheating, not necessarily, but it seems like he's making an effort to always be near your sister, which is a red flag. Now, maybe you've written it like that because you're paranoid, or maybe it's true. Refer back to paragraph number 1. ;)

Does your sister act this way with others? Does she bake or make specific things for other people in the family on their birthdays or whatever? Is she generally a flirt? Is your husband generally a flirt? I mean there are so many questions to consider. Had you not prefaced this with your trust issues, I would probably not think you are being too paranoid. I would talk to your therapist about it for sure.

normally i think people should pay attention to their gut feelings, but also verify because we are fantastic at fooling ourselves at times.
and i have to say, it really sounds as if you're looking awfully hard for things to worry about. almost to the point of obsessing.
it's certainly not your fault. if you get burned the same way multiple times, you'd be stupid not to be wary. but you must also understand that if you are intently focused on a scenario, at some point you're going to create the exact scenario you're so carefully constructing. anyone who lives long enough under a toxic cloud of suspicion will eventually either leave, or comply with your subconscious prompting to make it happen.
ever read anna karenina?
you need to deal with your issues, and not find reasons to suspect every move your loved ones make. much easier said than done, i know.
i wish you the best of luck. let us know how it goes.
khairete
S.

I get that you have trust issues, but if you put every little thing under the microscope, you are going to make yourself crazy and run your hubby off.

I don't see anything in your post to worry about. Stay in counseling.

Hi A.,

I had a long response written out but then I changed my mind. I also read your other question (about farting and kissing) and so I wanted to sort of address BOTH questions in one space.

I feel like your husband is disrespectful. He is disrespectful to you as a woman, as a partner and as his wife. I don't think, individually, that any of the issues above necessarily point to cheating or are, in and of themselves, *severe* issues within a relationship (But I definitely see why you would reach that conclusion). However, when you add ALL of them together they certainly point to a man who (at the very least) takes you for granted and (at the most) does not respect your relationship or the boundaries of what a good husband/man should respect.

I do believe that counseling will help you sort through your feelings. I would also work with a counselor on discovering what your expectations are for your marital relationship.... what do you expect of your husband and of yourself?

You have to get YOUR house in order first. Figure yourself out. Because, at the very least, you have established a pattern of choosing at least 2 disrespectful men (your ex-husband cheated on you, which is, on a very base level, disrespect of your wedding vows). So, figure out why that is..... is it bad luck? Is it poor choices? Is it low self-esteem? These are questions that a therapist can help you address.

I also know that a cheating partner can leave lasting wounds. These wounds are exacerbated when your current partner either doesn't work to try and earn your trust or engages in some of the base personality traits of someone who has cheated (poor boundaries / treating you differently than other women etc). It's a cycle, really. And it's a hard one to break. Because many times we focus on the other person, instead of on the person over whom we have control.... ourselves.

I am sorry that you feel this way in your marriage. I have felt that feeling... way down deep in my gut and it's a HORRIBLE feeling. It eats you alive from the inside out. I wish you luck with finding a therapist with which you can do good work. I wish you peace in your journey.

My ex cheated so I do understand where you're coming from, but it seems like you're looking for things. If you're always looking for something, you are going to push him away. This is your issue that you need to work through.

I think you probably should've healed yourself before getting married again.

If he isn't already cheating, your insecurities & distrust of him will push him away.