Little Girl Lost Her Mommy

I have no experience with this, so feel free to ignore me, but reading this broke my heart, and I had to respond with what my gut is saying.

She is 10, and doesn't remember much of her mom. I think that makes her sad, and she is making up stories to feel included. But, she is also of an age to have an opinion. I think you need to sit and have a conversation with her. Ask her why she is changing the subject. Would she rather you not talk about her mom? If so, let her know it is okay to not want to talk about her, that it is okay to not want to listen to her tapes yet. Give her a safe place to keep them for when she is ready. And then let her know that you will respect her wishes, although other friends may still mention her. Let her come to you and ask about her mom, let her know that she can ask/tell you anything. And how much you love her. I think this is a difficult topic for her, and it is being a bit pushed upon her.

I think the girls memories of her mom are fading., which is normal.She may not know what to do about a women she hardly remembers and doesn't know what to do, so she acts silly. But I would imagine the frequent bring up of her Mommy did x really reminders her she is not your daughter and the other girls are. She probably wants you as the Mom. I would not bring anything up unless she brings something up. I would not verbally compare her to the other girls and say I love you just as much ...Just love her just as much. Actions speak louder than words. I would keep those tapes in a safe place for the future. Good Luck

K., I wrote a long answer to your question, and then when I went to post it Mamapedia went offline, so I lost it.

So, if you want further details, message me, but in essence all I want to say is that #1 - you are awesome and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you, #2 - you are doing everything exactly right, don't change a thing, and #3 - it's not harmful for your daughter to have these fantasies, and 4 - you will never be able to take away your daughter's pain, it is a sad part of life, but now she has YOU.

She will listen to the tapes and talk to you about the mom when she is ready. No worries.

Keep up the great work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, you are doing a GREAT job with her! As a stepmom I know how hard it can be sometimes. And that you can love your stepchildren so VERY much. So again, good job. =)
Don't forget that she is still young and still trying to process how she feels. Try to think about it from her point of view...
Mom died a long time ago, I kinda remember her...it's weird. I love her, miss her but I really don't know her.
Everyone says I look like her, but I am ME. Everyone wants me to listen to her but sometimes it doesn't mean anything...is that bad? She is kind of a stranger, ya know?
I love my REAL mom, my stepmom. She has been there for me, she cares for me, I love her. Daddy is happy, I am happy, Stepmom is happy...why does everyone want me to think about someone that makes me feel sad? Sometimes I wish mom would just go away so I can be me and be with my family! But I am not supposed to.... And doesn't this mean that everyone else is going away too? That is scary.....

Does any of that make sense? ASK her. Does it bother her to talk about her mom? Does she understand that you love her and Dad loves her? Give her some of the control. Tell her that the tapes are there for whenever she wants to listen to them but don't make her listen to them just because her mother wanted her to at a certain time. Write things down in a book and give it to her. If she wants to know mom's favorite color or flower she can go look for herself. You have done a great job of incorporating this woman's memory into YOUR life...that is incredibly admirable and sensitive. But try and remember that she is no longer there. This family you have is yours now. Your husband, your child. Your daughter won't feel empty, she has the love of parents that love each other and love her. =)
Here is a thought....why not adopt her? Did you ever think that maybe by bringing the mom up all the time your daughter may not feel like you want her as your daughter? If you adopt her there will never be a doubt in her mind.

It's nice that you want to help her remember her mom. She will always have a spot for the things that mom did but they will fade as she gets old into distant memories. There may not be any words that she can use to express how she is feeling or what would mom have thought about this? Spend time with her and bond really good with her. As for the tapes that have certain times or ages, make a special place in the home and have her sit quietly and listen to them, there may be a lot of info in there that will help her go through the changes in life. Be near by for her to come to you for help and guidance as well. I wish my mom had was able to leave taped messages behind for me but that was a long time ago before all of the technology. Also there will always be a empty spot that no one can fill but a mom no matter how much people try sometimes it's just a far away feeling you get that can't be explained. Love her and enjoy her as best you can and be a friend and make your own memories together. The other S.

What a testiment of your inner beauty and special spirit, the way you have embraced your daughter while maintaining and supporting healthful memories of her mother.

It appears that up until now, any memory of her mother that is shared with her by the adults in her life is also supported by some fantasy that she needs to have in order to make their relationship real, i.e., daily presents and no discipline. However, as mom's we know the latter isn't quite true, lol. But it's okay, it's a coping mechanism. It's also okay to gently counter with, "Every mother who loves her daughter needs to apply a little discipline and I know without a doubt that one as special as you, blessed with two mommies who love you dearly wouldn't hesitate to give a little time out when needed!" and close it with a wink, a smile and a hug.

The tapes aren't something I would ever expect her to listen to on her own, not at 10 years old or any age that she doesn't request personal listening time to hear. That's just too much to ask of a child; way too emotional a task. In fact, I would only encourage her to listen with the promise that I would be there with her, holding her the entire time. Double fact, I would probably listen before I shared them with her, to be honest; your first job is to protect your daughter (it sounds as if in your heart there are no "steps" in this great family of yours).

I also don't think it is so important that you continue to mention things about her mom, it may imply to her that you have yet to completely embrace her, remember she's 10 and living in a home with two sisters whose biological mother you are. You are doing a great job with keeping her mother's memory alive, but it's not necessary to keep pointing out things, it becomes somewhat unnatural, maybe even uncomfortable, especially in public places where she may only wish to be seen as your daughter, not your step-daughter or the daughter of a deceased parent-she's 10 years old, they think differently, as you know. Allow her to come and inquire about things on her own, and in the interim, just be the mom of three fantastic girls.

You are quite a woman!

The situation you have described sounds ideal--as good as it could possibly be--for a little girl who's mom is gone.
Maybe she was too young to really "grieve" her mom and she feels uncomfortable expressing emotion about it because of that. Many hospitals have a kids grief center that could help her (through art, poetry) deal with the feelings she is having. You could look into that.
I would just keep things pretty much the same. When someone says how much she looks like her mom, say "She sure does! Mary was a beautiful lady inside and out."
Perhaps relate to her that although you, personally, did not know here mom, you feel like you do b/c of what you've heard about her and so on....maybe that will open the door. Truth is, there's probably little she does remember. Does she have pictures in a special treasure box? That might be a nice idea.

Oh, how heartbreaking. I, too, was diagnosed with cancer when my kids were VERY young. It was almost 2 years ago, the day before my son's second birthday and w days before my daughter was 11 weeks old.

All the things her mother did for her are things that I thought I would need to do if my prognosis turned for the worst. I've been lucky so far that my treatment has been successful.

It's hard for me to understand why her mother would want those tapes to be for her daughter only. It makes you wonder what a dying mother wouldn't want the rest of the world to know about the amazing love she has for her child/husband.

The fact that her friends have welcomed you so warmly is a testament to the kind of person she is, how they feel about your husband and your SD. Have you considered having the SD become part of the conversation at times about her mother so she can hear from her dearest friends exactly who she was?

One of my only wishes was that I would survive long enough for my kids to have their own memories of me. My daughter will be 2 tomorrow, my son will be 4 in June. if something were to happen to me, we would have to rely on writings, video, pictures as their memories would be limited, and I'm sure they'd create some to fill the gaps.

Have you also considered therapy to see if that might be cathartic to your SD? She's at an age where she's beginning to change so dramatically, and I'm guessing she's beginning to have emotions surface accordingly.

She's lucky to have you - I hope you'll find a way to help her remember her mother and process the emotions associated with it.

I think she probably hasn't grieved for her mom as she was too young to understand. I think it would be good for her & her dad to sit down & make a scrapbook in memory of her mom (photos of her mom & her). Also talk to your husband & look into a child therapist or a family therapist. She probably doesn't know how to respond when others talk about her mom or even how to talk about her mom.

God bless!

You are doing a great job raising and loving your little girl. She will not grow up empty with you and her dad loving her so much. I think you should back off pushing her "mommy" on her. When she asks questions, answer them honestly and when she is happy with the answer, move on. When she is ready she will ask to see the tapes. Right now she just wants to be a normal little girl with a mommy and daddy. She will never forget her real mom but she does not need to be reminded so often that she isn't here anymore. Let her enjoy her time with you and let her be the judge of when she is ready. No one should keep reminding her of her loss. She wants to be happy, let her forget and move on. She doesn't have to be reminded , she knows her mommy has died. So move on, you aren't being disrespectful to anyone by not bringing the subject up. LIve for today and let her do the same. Good luck, she is very lucky to have you in her life. By the way, acting silly is a way to tell you or anyone else she isn't ready to talk about that now. Let it go, it will come when she is older, maybe not till she is 12 or so. love her, and keep on doing the great job you seem to be doing. Just let her be a kid.

She sounds like she is growing up and realizing that her life experience is different than most of her friends.
She is probably conflicted about what she feels about her mother. Should she miss her? Should she be sad? Should she remember more? Is she a bad daughter for not remembering or really missing her?

It may be time for her to see a therapist, just so it is someone that is only for her. She can be honest about all of her confusion, worries, anger or just be able to figure out what she is feeling. It may be that she is protecting all of the adults who seem to have REALLY known her mom. It is a huge burden to have your own feelings, but not be able to be truthful to the adults who seem to have more invested in their memories.

Do not force her or over encourage her to listen to the tapes. She may be frightened by what is going to be said and she may be really afraid of how she is going to feel when she hears her moms voice and her stories.

She will know when she is ready and it sounds like you and your husband are VERY loving and only want what is best for her. Let her get through this in her own way, but do consider a therapist, so she can learn the tools about this very unusual situation.

You are doing great!! Keep up what you are doing, you never know she may just be putting these tapes on when she is in her room- or - she might just think she is away on "vacation" and her mom will be back soon. Sometimes, kids don't understand where "heaven" is- they think heaven is the name of a store or a place she went to visit and will be back.
Has she ever rec'd counseling? Have you? There are so many things you may not be seeing with her and what is happening in her head. Talk to her pediatrician, it may be nothing or it may something that she is just not ready to open up to.
Good luck- I don't think pressuring her in any one direction is the way to go. I think what you are doing is awesome!! I think the question you have asked needs to be directed to her father and to her doctor who can and will be able to help you. I think you are doing the right thing by her.

Wow, that is a lot for a little girl to go through. I was just wondering if you have ever said to her that you've noticed when you bring things up about her mom that she seems to change the subject or be uncomfortable and just ask her why... is it because it hurts too much to talk about etc... Then if she wants to talk and open up she can and if she doesn't want to then you can respect that but at least she knows that you care and are open to discussing it. Sometimes it seems so obvious to us how we feel that we assume they know but maybe she needs you to just come out and ask. Not sure, just an idea.

HOw touching. She is probably in denial and has not learned how to deal with the grief. Watching the tapes would probably be too emotional and conflicting for her right now. Poor baby. Give her lots of hugs and kisses...Keep talking to her, and hopefully in time she will come around. You seem to be a great step M.!

She is 10 and still a little girl.
Would it be all that terrible for her to watch the tapes with your husband? Put one in so it is on the tv and let it be on while she is in the room.
I think she will come around sooner or later. Right now you are her "mom". YOu are the one giving her love and support and the motherly touches she so needs. From your post she obviously loves you and needs that from you.
When she is older and starts to think about it she will view the tapes. She will ask questions and she will put up pictures. Right now that lady is a diastant memory and you have filled her shoes and done a good job at it.
I don't think she is growing up empty.