I have posted a few times about my son's classmate who very sadly passed away. My son is 6 and he also has an Autism Spectrum diagnosis (PDDNOS). He is very matter of fact and had lots of questions about the funeral process, why we die, etc. I answer them truthfully and honestly. He did not go to the funeral or anything like that, but we did release a balloon for her.
Anyway, in the after math he is fixating on death, funerals, etc. He has a personality where it is not odd for him to fixate on a topic, so I'm not surprised. All of his pictures are related to it and his pretend play has involved funerals, burials, funeral homes, etc. Normally when he fixates on something I redirect him. This one is tricky to me b/c I realize he's not just fixating, but I think he's also trying to process it. I always told him people die when they are 100 in the past, so it's a lot to take in someone his age has passed away. I don't want to tell him it's not okay to talk about it. I remember when I was a kid and my Grandpa died it felt like it wasn't okay to talk about around the adults. I want him to express what he's feeling, but of course but I don't want him to over fixate.
I emailed his teacher to get a feel for what he is doing at school and after I have that information I plan to call his behavioral psychologist and ask her what she thinks. As I've said, I want him to be able to communicate his thoughts and feelings about it, but not to an unhealthy level. I am making the proper steps, but I always appreciate hearing from you ladies. You all come from different experiences and different walks of life, so I'm open to anything you have to say. 2 heads is better than one! So... what do you think Mamas? :-)
awesome advice mamas! You are on the same page as my son's therapist. She said to direct him to remember the girl and not fixate so much on the death/funeral part but the life celebration part. She was glad that he did not attend any funeral functions and (not that I was planning to) but told me that I should not take him to the grave site. His teacher said that he has been very withdrawn at school and so I hope he will open back up. She said to understand that he is grieving and trying to understand this. :-)
I think it's normal--your child is experiencing death for the first time on a personal level. You're smart to check in with the teacher and his psychologist! Take their advice.
My son has the same PDDNOS dianosis and has 'special' fixations like your son does. (One time, for a short time, it was outhouses!!!) When he has a fixation that I'm not fond of, or I think is more unhealthy than healthy, I will give him a time frame in which to have his thoughts/ideas/actions and then we redirect to something else. I hope your son is able to process this tragedy in a healthy way and move on to thinking about something else really soon! (Our current fixation is Angry Birds--we've had a lot of fun with this one!)
My children and many nieces and nephews had to deal with death at a young age also when my mother died 5 years ago. My sister is a teacher and came up with wonderful ways for the children to focus on my mother's life instead of the memories of the death and funeral. She had the kids do art projects such as drawing a picture of a good memory the child had of Grandma and then they explained the picture. Remembering fun times while she was alive and sharing stories of her. Reading books that she liked to read to them then talking about why they liked it or why they thought she liked it. Making a picture frame to frame a picture of the child and Grandma together. Focusing more on her life and letting them know that even though now she is gone and that is sad, there was a time when she was alive and that was fun and that is what she would want us to remember and cherish. Maybe you could get your son to remember good times he had with his friend and with any luck it would take his focus off of death and the funeral. Good Luck!
I would not want him to fixate on it either. Perhaps give him 10 minutes to talk about it when he starts playing funeral but then redirected him to something else when his time is up. Good luck:)
How does he process books on a subject he is interested in?
I know our daughter would have at least 5 to 6 books on a subject I was wanting to discuss with her, so we had some choices. She could then every once in a while ask them to be read or she would read them even when we were not dealing with that subject at that moment.
Death and funerals are just part of our culture. Our daughter was only a few weeks old when one of her great grandmothers passed away and she was there. The first funeral she really understood what was going on, was for the mother of one of her day care friends, our daughter was 4. There were other children there and the classmate.
She saw the sadness and then she saw the community come together to support the family and then she saw that her friend could be sad, but some days he felt fine enough to play and laugh. I answered all of her concerns and questions truthfully and age appropriate.
I am not sure how or when your son will focus on another subject, unless you can come up with a new and interesting subject that catches his attention.
Also hard to know what the exact part of the subject he has not gotten past.. With our daughter it was "how was this little boy going to get to the grocery store?" I told her he was living with is grandparents so they would take him.. She asked "what if they die too?" I told her, "I would take him. " She answered. "That is a good plan." And that was the end of her worries on that subject.
Do speak with is psychologist for suggestions. They know your son way better than we do.
Again I am sorry about the death of the little boy. It is so heartbreaking for everyone in the community.
I lost my youngest son last summer in a auto accident and his daughter was 3 at the time. We explained how souls go to heaven and the body stays here and that is what we bury. Since then she has had many funerals of family friends and relatives that she has gone too. It is so bad that she has been to more funerals in her 4 years then weddings. She, of course, is obessed with death too. She tells me she wants to go be with daddy in heaven, she worries about something happening to her mom or to one of us grandma's. She talks about where she wants to be buried and she told me the other day that when she dies, I can cut some of her hair to keep if I would like. I told her that she will probably live longer then I will and I plan on sticking around to see her as a mommy and possibly a grandma too. I encourage her to think about the future. I tell her that my hope is that she will grow up and have a beautiful granddaughter to make wonderful memories with, just as she and I do. I listen to her concerns and thoughts on it and try to keep things as positive as can be, which is hard when a little girl misses her daddy so much. I think you are right talking with his teacher and behavioral psycholgist for suggestions. Emma had lost her grandfather, great great grandmother, great grandfather, step great grandmother, a few great aunts and uncles and her dad in just 2 years so her knowledge of death is much stronger then most her age, or even my age.
