so for 5 years i had this best friend. we worked together, were room mates, she even went to the school i taught at. we were like sisters. like any relationships we would have our battles, but we always got over it. after i moved out of our house i got pregnant and since then have had my baby. but my friend and i haven't spoken since the day my daughter was born. long story short- my fiance HATES her. he says he can see right through her and that she takes advantage of me and he's protective and wants to make sure i don't get hurt. to his defence hes totally right. iwould pay for dinners for her and her fiance all the time. i would buy her maternity clothes or whatever it was she needed. she left the house we rented a complete disaster and i had to deal with the land lord and clean up her mess. we had bills in my name and she didn't give me her part of the money she owed towards the bills so now i have collectors calling me. she screwed me big time. shes awlways kinda let me do that though. i realize that i am the one who layed down so she could walk all over me. the day my daughter was born she came to suprise visit us at the hopsital and while i was getting ready she overheard my fiance tell someone we had "uninvited guests' and she left without even saying hi. my fiance realized what he had done wrong and called to make it right with her and she was rude to him (understandably) but for once in our relationship this was something about me and she turned it into something about her. my fiance tried to appologize for what he did and she didn't want anything to do with it. she approaches me about it like "make a choice" and obviously i chose my fiance! even though this was 6 months ago i still feel so torn and hurt. i want to move on but feel like this bad break up is occupying more of my mind's time then it should. what should i do?
thank you all so much- i got some wonderful advise. sometimes it feels good to hear the same thing over and over again reassuring my heart is in the right spot. im totally ok with letting this freindship go. it's just not the right time to be friends with her. maybe later in life when things are different we could work it out- but honestly- i don't want to! thank you so much ladies i really appreciate it!
I have a mantra for you:
Good friends do not walk on you even if you have bad boundaries.
I wish you good luck with this and send a hug...
Well unfortunately she overheard a comment your fiance made to someone else about her. However, he didn't say it to her face. I'm sure he didn't say it in hopes for her to overhear. We've all in confidence related our feelings about someone, good or bad, to a friend or family member. He was expressing how he felt in what he thought was a safe conversation.
If you ask me he was the bigger person to actually call and apologize. If I had been her I would have been hurt but gone straight to YOU and told you what he said and how it made me feel, but that's just my maturity level. From what you've said about her in terms of money and roommate situatoin, she sounds a bit immature. Her actions do not surprise me.
I don't know many men that would call a person, they have made it clear they have no respect for, to apologize about a comment he made that was not meant for her to hear.
If he truly wanted to hurt her he would have said it to her face.
Now about your friendship. YOU are working WAY TOO HARD to keep this friendship alive. I know you have been friends for 5 years but do you really want to continue being friends with someone who has been disrespectful to you, taken advantage of you and has obviously taken you for granted.
It has been 6 months. Concentrate your energy on your baby and your fiance. If you feel a need to make amends and seek closure maybe you can call her and let her know that you have been thinking about her. Tell her how sorry you are that she overheard your fiances comment but that he was really just meaning for this other person to hear it and didn't mean to hurt her feelings in the least. You can also add that he was speaking for himself and not for you. He has a right to feel the way he feels and in confidence express his feelings. He can apologize that she overheard but he doesn't need to apologize for how he feels about her. His reasons are valid if you ask me.
.
Honestly, I still feel a little haunted by some of these kinds of friendships I had in my 20s and I am almost 40! It's hard to learn how to be treated well by friends, especially when you have a positive history together. But a true friend would NEVER demand you make a choice, so just in her asking you to do so she declared herself unworthy. She's not worth it. Just repeat it to yourself. And be easy on yourself, in that you think about her and feel bad, that's normal and OK, it shows you are a sensitive person. remember that you have a lot of friendships in your future, get out to the park with your baby and start chatting up local moms. hug your fiance, thank him for his support, and realize that the drama will die down. It'll be OK.
Time to move on from this friendship as sadly, she sounds like a user. Your fiance, not being that close to the situation, can see exactly what is going on and your old friend knows that he's on to her. What should you do? Why, make new friends, of course! Good luck :)
C.-you really need to let her go...you Know that...I know you know that. Just do it-she is NOT your friend, she is a user. Your fiance is right. You have changed now-you are a mom and soon to be married woman. You need to do what you can to keep this kind of person away. Nowis the perfect time to let go.
You just had a baby, I'm sure that will take all of your time from now on and she knows that. You are in different places in your lives right now. She can't use you anymore and you can't afford her now because you have a baby and soon to be married.
If you have been friends for a long time, just give it some time.... maybe even a year or more, and she will probably be in a better place by then and maybe your husband will be more apt to enjoy her company after she grows up.
Good friends, even when you have crummy things happen like this, always manage to work these things out. Don't stress on it, this is one that needs to fix itself... and it will in time. She's needy and self centered and you now have a family... your choice is your family.
no brainer. dump the girl. you don't need people in your life that take complete advantage of you. i'd go to counseling to figure out why you feel like you do.
I think YOU need to apologize to her for your fiances comment (and that WAS very rude!). I'm sure it really hurt her feelings. She was coming to see you & your new baby & then hears THAT?
I don't think you can view that incident as O. that "was about you & she turned it into something about her" at all. She was treated badly!
You don't need to chose and, guess what? Your fiance doesn't get to "veto" your friends. You are entitled to have friends he doesn't care for.
I hope you guys work it out O. way or another and try not to make this "about him"!
I am sorry to say this, but yes, life can be this dramatic after 18. I am almost 40 and I still have those in my life that love to cause drama and problems. Their ages range from younger to older than me. I do my best to stay away from that type of person. Maturity can be in any age. Those who are mature are the best people to hang out with. Less drama and better friendships.
My suggestion is to let that friendship go. Maybe in time she will mature and you can restart a new friendship with her. Until then, surround yourself with those you enjoy being around and who won't take advantage of you. Good luck.
I agree let it go! A true friend would not have given you an ultimatum, or would never have stiffed you on her bills without an explanation or without trying to make it up to you. It's hard to realize that not everyone is as loving and giving as yourself and that there are people out there that take advantage of people like you (and myself! been there done that!)
If you feel like it, some day maybe you could write her a letter letting her know how much your friendship meant and how the things she has done have hurt you. This may give you some closure, but don't expect a reply. I've found that people like her don't really think they've done anything wrong and will continue to blame everyone else for their problems.
Hang in there, it's tough letting a friendship go, but honestly you don't deserve to be treated that way I'm sure there are other people in your life that better deserve your tim and attention!
Like Kate B said, I am also haunted by these types of friendships in my 20s and 30s! It's hard to lose a friend..trust me, I have let a few go because of the same type of treatment you are getting now. You know in your heart that what your fiance says is true...but you find it hard to let go because????...you don't want to be alone??? I know how you are feeling. I am 40 and it took a long time to be comfortable with just myself...I have very very few friends, but the ones I do have are TRUE friends. They have been there..they stick with me no matter what. This girl wants to break up your friendship because of a comment someone else said about her..not you. She's not worth all the effort you are giving this.
If you feel you must try one more time, then do it for yourself. Know that if it works out ok, you will deal with this kind of drama ALL THE TIME. If she can't move past this, then it is her loss not yours. At least you know you tried....
Well you sound like a mature young lady taking care of your baby and your life. Yeah, I totally agree, let her go. As you say, maybe later things will work out. It's too hot right now and too much drama. A few years from now you may both see that you miss each other and want to just move on and be friends. That has happened to me and several of my girl friends. Take care!!
