I had a baby 1/2 sister (same mom, diff. dad) who was killed when she was 18 months old. Her father shot her, and killed himself as well about 6 months after my mom left him. This all happened when I was about 4-5 years old and living with my dad. (I only met her once or twice...)
It just so happens that my sister's dad is my paternal uncle's wife's brother. (if you can follow that... I could also call him my Dad's SIL's brother, if that's easier to follow...)
HIS family blames my mom for both of their deaths. They claim that she drove him to it by leaving him.
My sister was baby #5 for my mom. So she doesn't really have many pictures of her... maybe 25-30 total.
l recently found out that my aunt (Baby's father's sister) has an album full of pictures, plus a video recording of her first (and only) birthday party. My aunt is just spiteful enough that she will NOT allow my mom to have copies of any of the stuff. (My mom doesn't know that she has them though...)
Would I be completely out of line if I told my aunt that I want them for myself? If I ask, I know that she would give them to me. I honestly would like to have some for myself, but if I manage to get my hands on them I would make and give copies to my mom right away. I know it would mean the world to her to have more pictures, and that video would be priceless for her. It is my thinking that if (heaven forbid) I was in my mom's place, I would appreciate someone getting them for me. Also, I very rarely talk to this aunt. I have talked to them maybe once or twice in the last 4 years... so it's not like I am risking ruining a relationship here. Also, my mom and my aunt don't speak. EVER. So there is no way my aunt would ever know that my mom even has them. BUT... I have always prided myself on being a very honest person; however, I would be willing to lie to get these things for my mom. What would you do?
~The main problem is that I know for sure she does not want my mom to have them. That is the reason I never knew about them before... She expressly told her kids NOT to tell us about them so we wouldn't give them to my mom. (I found this out from her daughter last week...) The only reason I know now is because she knows my mom and I have had issues, so she thought it was 'safe' to let her daughter tell me. BUT she doesn't know that my mom and I have been working on our issues... so while we still aren't super mother/daughter close, we are at least friends now. I think I will go for it anyway... My sister's birthday is coming up next month, so I should be able to get them, and put them together nicely by then. She would have been 18 this year, so I'm sure it would make a nice gift.
I would do what I needed to get my hands on a copy. Not only did she loose her child in a violent and deplorable way...she has unfairly been blamed for her own child's death all these years. She's been through enough. She deserves those memories.
I wouldn't consider that a lie- you do want them for yourself. Who you choose to share them with is your own business.
I would personally get the pictures, even if I had to break and enter to do so. So morally, you're several steps above me.
I would tell her you would like copies - which is true - and then make copies for your mom. Your aunt doesn't need to know what you do with your copies. How needlessly cruel to withold something that may give comfort to the parent of a deceased child.
Oh- I would totally lie to get that for my mother-and I wouldn't feel a single bit bad about it. Unbelievable that they would blame her for the acts of a psycho person. I would tell them to please take a look throughout history at how many wronged people did not enact vengeance by killing a child and themselves. He was a psycho nutjob-end of story. Do what you have to do to get your mom the mementos of her murdered child.
I would lie too, if you can, go for. It must be the worst pain to lose a baby. I don't believe that it was your mothers fault at all.
It would be perfect if your aunt would let go some of that pain but if not, I would lie too. I am sorry for such a horrible thing to happen to your family.
I would ask to have them to make copies for myself and give back the originals (or not). Then I would make copies for my mom STRAIGHT AWAY. Your aunt doesn't need to know. No guilt here!
well, you're not really lying. you do want the pics and video. once they are yours you can do with them as you please! so you are still an honest person AND a very good daughter!
Do you have a scanner or know someone who does own a scanner? Ask the baby's Aunt if you could scan the pictures for yourself, that you'd love to have some copies. Once scanned, you have the copies for yourself which means you are free to do with them as you wish. Scan them at a higher resolution so you can get decent pictures from them. I might suggest making a photo book, not a scrap book, but a photo book like from an online company that makes them. Make one for yourself and one for your mom. I don't believe you are risking anything by asking for the pictures. The worst she can say is no, which would be very selfish of her if she did. Yes, and ask for the video and make a copy of it as well. You are not being dishonest by asking for the pictures for yourself. Once you have them, you are free to do with them as you wish. You would put yourself in a lying position if the baby's Aunt asked you NOT to share them with your mom and you agreed but did it anyway and said you didn't. But in my opinion, still, once you have the pictures, and you have copies for yourself, you are free to do with them as you wish.
I would ask her for a copy or to borrow them so you can have a copy. If she doesn't ask, you don't have to offer up that you would make an extra copy for your mom.
If she asks, you can answer that "I would like to also make a copy for mom". See how she reacts....but in your shoes, I would probably fib if I had to...this is pictures and videos of your mom's child so I would feel it was worth it.
By the way, I am so sorry your family experienced this tragedy. I can't believe they would blame you mother rather than your sister's father who actually took her life.
I would probably try. You know the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained", right. BUT don't be surprised of your aunt sees right through your motives. But might be worth a try.
Hopefully some day your aunt will realize that no O. can "make" someone do something. We all make our choices, and your half sister's father made his own choices. Sorry--how sad and tragic.
Do it, do it, do it.
I would definitely do it! Your aunt doesn't need to know why you want a copy.
It's not a lie if you get them to make copies for yourself. And then you make back up copies to store at your mom's house. She doesn't need to know this. She was your mom's baby not hers! Your mom needs them more than your aunt.- no matter how she gets them!!
geez, if I were you I would do anything to get that stuff and definately pass them to your mom. That is so sad. lie away, whatever it takes, what does it matter what the Aunt thinks, not her baby...
I would do it. I don't think it is a lie if you just never tell the aunt. And, if you never ask and she never tells you that your mom can't have copies, you are just speculating that she doesn't want your mom to have any copies. I would get them for yourself at any rate. And, I would give a copy as a gift to your mom. The aunt is in the wrong here.
Do it....absolutely.
If you really want them for yourself it is not a lie. There is a sin of omission and I guess that is what you are asking about. I personally would ask for them, hang onto them and maybe later if mom is around then you can show them to her. You know she'll ask for some. Then you decide....
M.
Yes, if there was ever the right reason for a lie - that would be it.
YES! That was her baby too! I would do what I had to do to get it for her. Good luck!
Ditto Riley.
:)
