Let Friendship Die Slow Death, Intervene in Attempt to save It, or Stop It Now?

Let it go. I would un friend her on Facebook and then if she calls they can get together if not no biggie but she won't see mean posts. Kids can be cruel.

Talk with your daughter about seasonal friends. This girl was a friend to your daughter for a season and that season has begun to end.

Encourage her to make more new friends in her new school. If she should spend time with the old friend, just be casual and polite about it. No need to force something that is not going to continue at this time.

Maybe they will rekindle their friendship in the future. Until then let it go and learn from this experience. It will hurt but it will get better. Better to learn this young than older.

Let her enjoy her time as a tomboy. She may come out ahead of the game when she has friends with the same interests and goals.

the other S.

Let it die slowly and naturally.. I've come to discover in life that things like this can't be forced.. If the friendship is meant to be and on honest terms, then it will survive... I look back and wished to no end that I had let certain friendships go.. but I was needy back then and very co-dependent... so I clung to friendships that were not very healthy for me.... Basically, I set myself up to be a doormat.. Much wiser now... I can see the error in my ways..
Your daughter already seems to be moving on... These kids are young, friendships come and go... keep it positive but definitely keep moving forward...

Let your daughter figure things out. Sounds like she has moved on and found a new friend.

Be very careful the advice you give her so it doesn't become your "fault" in her eyes that she is or isn't friends. She needs to figure this out and make that decision. It sounds like it will die off eventually due to changes in lives, but maybe they'll keep their bond as someone to vent to without it becoming front page news.

My daughter and I just talked about how her friends change during the year - the volleyball friends in the fall, youth group friends, softball friends, etc. As long as she's not doing drugs or anything really negative with that girl, let her figure it out.

I'm an introvert.

Friendships come and friendships go. The deal is you get to choose your friends. Why would you want your daughter to continue to be freinds with someone who doesn't have her back, someone who could turn on her like that.

Simply, friendships are easier with people you have more things in common with than people you don't. Mutual respect is also important.

Empower your daughter by letting her know she gets to choose who will be her friend and who will not. What characteristics makes a good friend verses a great friend? Does loyalty count for anything?

Introverts do have friends we just pick and choose and limit our exposure to the outside world which can be draining to us. It doesn't mean we can't be warm, friendly, and/or personable but we prefer the company of a few over the many. Many people guess wrong that I'm an extrovert because I'm not shy and can command a room but it's a learned thing. I still prefer a good book or a great movie over a room full of people.

As for your precious soon to be 6th grader, she is already moving on. Ask her questions about how she is feeling and processing this situation and help her come into a sense of who she wants as a friend and how she expects her friends to treat her. That to me would be the most valuable lesson because very soon she will be in highschool, the college or the real adult world. We all get to pick our friends. Choose wisely.

B., let your daughter decide what to do. she will run into such situations more often than not, better let her find her way, unless she is being physically or mentally harmed, otherwise, it's part of life.

I'd let this friendship die a natural death, for now.

BUT, try representing it to your daughter as an active choice rather than a passive withdrawal. As in, "Since 'Jenny' has been spending all this time with 'Heather,'* maybe it makes sense to focus on new friends for a while. Jenny might get tired of all Heather's business and look you up, but you can still have a lot of fun in the meantime."

In general, mama, that applies for you too. The most powerful, effective thing you can do when it comes to girl-drama is to set an example by NOT getting sucked into it yourself. It's great to be a mama bear when it's really needed, but this might be a good place to step back and let your daughter develop the ability to fight her own battles.

* Pseudonyms courtesy of the 80s movie, and the 80s @ large ;)

I usually would say "stick with just taking care of your own family", but it sounds as though you do need to share some of what's going on with your daughter's friend's parents. If that mother had asked about "what's going on", I would take a subtle moment to suggest that you think there's more going on than just differences in interest, and that you do understand if her girl is pursuing different interests and new friends. You are okay with that. AND you are genuinely concerned for her daughter's well being because of the Facebook stuff (show her, have this conversation in person and in private).

EVEN IF your girls grow apart, let this mom know that you do care about her daughter and show her the Facebook posts you described. Let her know that you aren't upset with her daughter, but you are concerned that her daughter's new friend may also hurt her as well. Mean girls generally cycle through friends pretty quickly and believe me, I've lived through this as a teen. I wish someone had warned me "I know you think that Miss Thing is really cool and she sure makes your friend right now sound pretty bad, but who does that? A friend wouldn't break up your other friendships on purpose, right? She'd let you choose who your own friends are."

If you speak to this mother out of care for your daughter's friend, she will be more likely to hear you. Then it's in her hands as to what to do about the new 'mean girl' friend.

So, acknowledge the differences in your daughters interests and come at the conversation with a legitimate concern for her daughter's future happiness. Kids do have to learn that friendships aren't forever, and that's tough, but it sounds like your daughter is staying healthy about it and continuing to make friends. I would encourage your girl to do as you suggested and stop extending herself too much. If she hears from her friend, great, if not, that's okay too.

Let the friendship ebb away. She's not a great friend if she can't stand up to a mean girl, but sometimes meeker kids need help. In fact, mean girls (and boys) choose "followers" rather than "leaders" because they want malleable people who make up a good "posse." I'd consider musing to the friend's mother that you wonder if the mean girl's mom knows what her kid is putting on Facebook and that you'd be furious if your child put something up there and no one told you. Maybe the friend's mom will alert the mean girl's mom.

You're right to let your daughter hang with friends who have similar interests. Yes, friends grow and change and that's normal/natural. Encourage her to branch out and make lots of new friends rather than focus on just one best friend.

I wouldn't reach out much to the friend - she's kind of made her decision. If she reaches out, you can have her over to your house and see how it goes. But if she's encouraging your daughter to do stuff she's not ready for, then I'd suggest things go in their separate directions.

Use this an an example to your daughter of how good people can be very different, and how a former friendship can still be a good memory.

I think of a good piece of advice we often give someone coming out of a bad break up. Fill the void with someone else or something else.

She needs to be as active as possible with her new group and she needs to be doing hobbies and anything else you can find for her to do. She needs to be so busy she won't miss her friend except when she's in bed at night and just dozing off.

As hard as it is we grow apart. I have friends that I thought I'd grow old with that I don't even know where they live or if they're alive any more. That's sad but part of life.

We don't always live in our home town with all the people that we grew up with. When we become adults we change, grow up, find new things to hold our interests. Like cheerleaders that were inseparable in high school, well, once they grow up and aren't spending hours and hours together every day and on sports event nights we don't see each other as much. So we grow apart.

I'd tell the mom that your child is hurting and you want to know what she thinks about her daughter being friends with this mean girl. Perhaps she doesn't like her either and wants her daughter to be a better friend. As sad as it is though she can't make her daughter treat your daughter with respect and kindness.

I say it's a natural time for them to start growing apart and finding new friends.

Think it's time to show the other mom her child's Facebook posts...

I'd do it kindly, with a "hey, thought you might want to know what Chloe is putting on FB. I know our daughters are not as close as they used to be, but I would appreciate you talking to her about how the things she is posting has upset my daughter."

If the mom is a nice, decent person, she'll respond positively, and you'll know if the friendship is able to be saved. If she's not, then she'll get defensive, and you will know immediately that the friendship is over.

Personally, I would WANT another mom to tell me if my kid was posting mean things, and I can tell you this, if my kid has a facebook page, I have the password and check it ALL THE TIME. If I find out they have facebook without permission, well let's just say, they will live a very boring, non-electronic life for a long time. Shame on this kid's mom for not being in the loop.

In the meantime, your daughter does need to branch out with friends.

Good luck!

It takes two to save a relationship, even if it is just a friendship. If this other girl is making no effort then there is little your daughter can do. I would recommend she focus on her new friendships and just wait and see what happens with this other girl naturally.

I think this has to be your daughter's decision. Let her make the choice of what she wants to do and you just be there to support her no matter what. Catch her if she falls, celebrate with her if she succeeds.

It's hard to do, but I've found it works better in the end if you let them make their own choices.

Sometimes the best thing we can do as moms is to help our children make their own decisions. Leave it to your daughter to decide how she wants to move forward with this girl. Children have friends based on location and activities but as they grow older they base their friendships on personality and common interests. Just sit back and let your daughter take the lead on this one.

You cannot force friendships. It's that simple.

DO NOT intervene. Ask your daughter what she needs from you.

her "friend" has succumbed to peer pressure. This is life. It happens. maybe one day the "friend" will realize what she lost in her life in regards to your daughter's friendship.

Just tell your daughter you are here for her. Don't tell her what to do. If she asks what YOU would do - tell her - "If this were me? I would ....." but the decision is NOT yours to make.

Good luck!

Personally, I'd stop it now. Focus on relationships that will grow over the next few years.

As one of the posts below says, this friend may have been in your daughter's life for a "season".

The saying is: "friends come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".

Maybe the girl will come around, and develop into a lifelong friend. But for now, probably best to focus on developing other friendships.

This is entirely up to your daughter in my opinion. It would be great if she keeps you posted or asks for advice but otherwise stay out of it.

We talk a lot about friendship in generaI, when they're having issues and when things are going well. I tell my girls to think about how they want to be treated when choosing friends. We talk about people "showing you who they are" and whether or not they want to be associated with people who do and say things they think are wrong. After that it's up to them who they spend time with.

If the other girl wants to be friends, she will have to decide who or what is more important to her - your daughter or the "mean girl." But I am against ultimatums. I always heard that the person who issues the ultimatum is the one you don't pick. The friend will have to come to the conclusion on her own.

I don't know that you have to formally end it - they probably don't need to have a "breakup" talk or anything. But I would go along with your idea, and stop reaching out to save this friendship.

listen to your daughter. help her figure out her own coping techniques. let this be a growth opportunity for the future.
you should not be the one deciding whether to call or invite. let your daughter bounce ideas off you and role play, and then let the decision be hers.
you should not intervene by talking to the other girls or their parents.
your daughter, and the lessons she takes forward from this, are your only concern.
khairete
S.

Your daughter asked you if there is anything she can do to save the friendship. Someone mentioned it takes both people to want a friendship to work, and that is so true. Sounds like the other girl is trying on a new kind of best friend right now. Your daughter should just give her that space. Don't encourage her to chase her around in attempt to save the friendship, but don't advise burning bridges either. You never know just how things may change from one year to the next. Just tell DD to continue to be kind at all times, and stay busy having fun with new friends that share common interests. Keep the door open for her old friend, but don't chase her around or be a doormat either.

I would spend time listening to your daughter, and seeing what she wants to do. If she doesn't know what she wants, then you just need to help her think it through. She does need to come to a conclusion on her own about what to do with teh friendship, and I don't think it's fair for you to end the friendship for her because her friend is now friends with a "mean girl." This is one of those things that all of the girls need to figure out. Yes, with guidance but you can't do it for her.

By the way, some of my best friends are people that have some very different interests. Good friends don't have to be exactly alike or even mostly alike. Again, that's something for friends to negotiate as long as you can say that you share morals and ethics.