Kids Safety Is an Issue in Marriage

Do what I did. Don't let him be alone with them until he can learn and PROVE that he can be responsible enough to have them alone. Test him, over a period of time. Once he passes and proves he can do it, then he can have them alone.
My hubby didn't have responsible parents, so he had NO CLUE!

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My friend's two year old died by drowning in the bathtub while her dad walked out of the tub portion bathroom for a moment to use the toilet. It can happen that fast, even with two year olds who can bump their heads or even fall asleep in the tub and sink below the water. How does he fall asleep while giving a bath, that is beyond excuse.

When my husband's driving was worrying me, I told him he would no longer be allowed to drive with me or the children in the car. I did this for about 3 weeks... my husband got tired of having car sickness and decided to take things more seriously, and he even took a drivers ed course again. Perhaps your husband needs to go and take a CPR class since drowning and safety are such issues.

One thing you can do though, is get a pool alarm. Or an alarm on the door that chirps if someone opens the door. Make sure the back doors lock at all times.

If they don't perk up with such serious safety concerns, then you have to withhold them from doing those activities.

Are you having adult conversations with your husband about safety issues or are you lecturing him like he's a child? Our tone of voice and the way we say things makes a big difference in how they're heard and thus reacted to. Responsible is a good word. I suggest that it might be difficult for him to hear and a word that is less emotionally laden would be careful. Tell him you know he's responsible; that you're asking him to be more careful.

I suggest reading up on Non-violent Communication. There is a web site that summarizes how to have successful communication.

I also suggest that you get some counseling or take a parenting class together. Perhaps if another adult talked with him about safety he'd realize the importance of doing or not doing some things.

I'm wondering if your husband is just one of those men who doesn't understand preschoolers. He just doesn't get it now but will be a great Dad when they're older. If that's the case and he's not willing or able to change then don't leave the kids alone with him. Plenty of single parents don't have another parent's help.

I'd only consider leaving him if you have other unresolvable issues in your marriage. Once you've left you not only don't have him to watch the kids alone you don't have him for a variety of other activities. It's pretty lonely as a single parent.

Look for the good things about him and give him praise every chance you get. Perhaps he's discouraged and feeling like he's no good watching the kids and thus feeling like he's no good. Depression makes everything worse.

Leave??? Of course not. Just don't let him take care of the kids by himself. A husband who leaves pool gates open should NOT be taking care of two year olds by himself.

Do not let your husband watch your children. I always had my eye on the kids when they were little. The one time I ever assumed my husband was watching them and let down my guard, my then 1 and 2 year olds ended up playing out in the street in a construction zone in the dark. (I've never let him forget that one.)

**SHOW your Husband... all the responses you get to your Post.

he sure is not careful is he?

Do not leave your kids alone with him.

Does he have other issues? I don't see how a person could fall asleep while the kids are taking a bath. ON their own????
Where is he?

It only takes.... 1.18 Inches of water... for a child or person to DROWN, face down.

Your going to leave your husband for teaching your child to cook, and for forgetting to close a gate? Sounds like you may have other issues that you need to address.

Hi Maria,

Well, unfortunately if you leave your husband that means he will have your kids when it is his parenting time - only you won't be around.

This is a very sad situation and I feel for you. Keep talking to your husband, but maybe instead of telling him what she should be doing ASK his opinion on what HE thinks should be done in order to keep the kids safe.
Uusually men and women tend to view safety issues differently, with guys being much more laid back.

I am sorry you are going through this.

B.

Dads are different than moms for sure. If you know that your husband has issues, dont leave your kids alone with him.... If you really think he's incapable of keeping them alive for a few hours or a weekend while you are gone, then don't leave your kids alone with him. If he's a good dad even though he doesnt "get some of the rules" is it worth divorcing him over? That would be your decision. If you really think your kids would die in his care, then maybe divorce is your answer. It comes with lots of compromises tho... like you having to give him the kids every other week and hope they don't die in his care.

I don't understand why you would leave your husband over this. I understand that he is not being careful but some of these things sound like things you can fix by going to Lowe's or another hardware store. I would even enlist your husband into doing the fixing. You both need to make sure that some device is installed on both gates for the pool and the backyard that makes the doors close by themselves once through. The stove is just stupidity but at Babies R Us they make a clear divide that you can put infront of your stove. I would remind your husband every time he is cooking, 'Be careful, remember when so and so burnt his hand last time?'

Are these also his kids? If you leave him and they are his, he will have visitation rights and then you won't be there to supervise the safety. Also I assume you are married or had kids with him because you love him, don't you still?

In this case, I think you just need to keep harping on him and give him ideas about how he can do things safely with the kids.

I don't know that what you've described is reason to leave. That would depend on a lot of other issues. Does he fall asleep or forget because he's drinking or doing drugs? or does he just not understand the dangers?

Talk with him. Talk about what you are afraid of. Talk about what 2 year-olds are capable of and not capable of. If he's willing to listen and agree to some small but important changes, then fine. If he is not, then you will have to re-evaluate. Keep in mind that if you leave, he will likely have lots more time with your kids when you are not there to even supervise...

I found that I had to be the one that supervised our daughter, the vast majority of time, until she was older. My ex suffers from chronic depression and was also abusing drugs, which made him likely to fall asleep or be inatentive. He has since gotten treatment for both.

Find out if there is a child safety class or something. Some people are cautious, some people are clueless. It sounds like he doesn't think you're crazy, he's just not "getting it". Maybe there's some sort of safety "scared straight" thing. He may come from a family where they weren't safety conscious enough and it doesn't worry him as much as it worries you. Honestly, this isn't something to leave over, cause something really bad can happen even if you take all the precautions in the world. My son burned his finger and he was 4 feet away from the stove but decided to point at it, moved fast, and touched the still hot burner. I was standing RIGHT THERE and it didn't matter.

If they are step-kids and if he didn't grow up with them, doesn't have experience with little ones, then you are expecting him to act a certain way. He needs to be trained, and if he's open to that, find a way.

I think you need to have another heart to heart with him. Bring news articles if you need to, talk to the pediatrician with him there, whatever it takes. Maybe he no longer gives the kids a bath (kids slip and can drown in so little water!). Only you can decide if it's time to go or not, or maybe just time to re-evaluate his alone time with them til they are older.

Also, with things like the burn, it could have been so much worse and it could also become a problem if someone starts to think the children are abused or neglected. If you are reported, what then?

What does he say when you talk to him? Do you discuss alternatives?

If these issues become something you cannot remedy alone, consider parenting classes and/or therapy.

I haven't read through all the responses, but I can tell you my husband was exactly the same with my kids. Turns out he was in the end stages of renal failure, and we didn't realize it. We knew he had kidney disease, just didn't know it had progressed so much, and it really effected his ability to see rationally.

I would agree about having him get checked (if he is willing). Until things change, I would simply not leave him alone with the kids. You need to talk to him when you are alone, and tell him that he cannot watch the kids anymore. I know this is a huge inconvenience to you, but better than an accident happening.

I did this with my husband. He was not happy about it, but he agreed because I became so anxious, and he didn't want me to be super anxious. Either sitters watched the kids, or I did. He was never alone with him. Once he had a transplant and improved, then he began to change back to being rational. Now he is aware of what is and is not safe, so slowly I've allowed him to watch them on his own. So far so good.

I hope this helps,
B.

I'm with many of the posters here. All I have to add is to have a self-closing device put onto the gate that locks. Call around to your hardware/window and door shops, if you must, to get a name and have someone do this on all of your gates. If your children are at risk, other people's children might well be also.

Its too bad you have to go through this. I can definitely relate to the "irresposible" husband when it comes to safety issues. Leaving doors open, walking in front of the kids with at least 2 people spaces between the 1 and 2 year old and not holding their hand or constantly making sure they were following, etc. I honestly do not allow my youngest children (my 1 year old and 5 month old) to be alone with him because I am afraid of what will happen. His actions are however highly due to depression and anxiety (diagnosed and admitted to a hospital last year). Because of this, he is 'unaware' of a lot of things going on around him because he is so "him" focused. All I can say is try to talk to him about these issues, however realize you will have to be around watching like a hawk and not letting the kids alone with him. I also like to talk to my husband's mom. Sometimes he listens to her more then he listens to me!

Sounds like he has a more hard knocks parenting style. The water issues are big. It would immediately get the kids enrolled in baby swimming lessons that teach the child to roll onto their back and float while crying for help. Showers work if isn't going to be watching them actively. The stove I would be ok with. Kids at 2 get into things even when watching like a hawk. I know my 2 yo burned his finger with me right next to him.

I would keep trying to talk to him and really express you concerns w/ him. Someone below mentioned telling him what a 2 yr. old can and can't do... Print this info out and let him read it so he doesn't think it's just your opinion. I would also TELL him that the children are going to daycare. Don't ask... just tell him. He won't like that financially but he may take you seriously. If you can't do daycare... another family member that can watch for awhile? Good luck and please keep us posted!!!

Talk to him about this-his sole purpose in life with respect to you and especially the children-is to lead and protect. If the children don't know how to swim-this is the time. Maybe all the responsibility falls on you-and your priority is to not leave the children alone with their dad. It puts them at risk and you have knowledge of that.

I would look into having him evaluated for adult ADD or ADHD depending on his symptoms. There is a free checklist you can do online first to see if he should go. This will continue to be a problem not just for you and your children but for himself as well until he seeks help. Good luck!

Is this a new problem or has he always been this way? Does he acknowledge the behaviors as risky?

Can you have locks/hinges installed on the gates that automatically snap the the gates shut? That would solve at least one problem.

Make cooking a family affair and have the little ones help with tasks that don't involve the stove - tearing up lettuce for salad, etc.

Bath time - I would just take that one over - I have a thing about kids and tubs.

Keep talking to him in a calm and gentle, non-accusatory way. He doesn't love the children any less than do - he just has different methods. Men, I think, are greater risk takers than we are with children. Its that Venus and Mars thing.

Communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Go with your gut. If you're feeling scared, then that's your answer - go. Or get rid of him. Your children are your number one priority and if he doesn't care enough to be more safe around them or even care to try or honor your requests, then he needs to go!

If you leave he will be alone with them!!!!!!! If he isn't abusive then you need to stay.

What are you waiting for?
best, k

This is serious. It's not like he simply let the kids color with permanent markers and now your table's a wreck. This is life and death. Perhaps you should show him the very real tragedies of a father in Pittsburgh who fell asleep with his 18-month old on his chest only for that child to wake up, wander out of the house (opened a door) and end up dead in a pond. And that father wasn't even being as irresponsible as your husband. Your husband's actions are beyond neglectful ignorance. He sounds as if he really doesn't care. Does he not understand that his role as a dad is to protect his child? This is huge and you are right to be concerned. Share the articles of tragedy. Take him to some sort of parenting safety class. And get your kids survival swimming lessons immediately (you do live in Florida and lakes/pools/water is absolutely everywhere)...don't let them or yourself be the victims. Congratulations to you for recognizing this as being so serious. The implications of you being wrong mean extra safety locks and some extra hassle. The implications of your husband being wrong...mean the harm or even death of one of your kids and likely divorce b/c I can't believe you'd ever be able to remain with him and forgive him. Take action...and more power to you!